[anielica]

I just don't know what to do anymore. I just celebrated my 10 year anniversary, I should be excited, right? I have a husband who cooks most of the time, helps take care of our kids (who are 7 and 3 and ornery as all get out) and he just loves buying jewelry for me for any occasion. Sounds like a dream, I know. So why haven't I really smiled lately? I've thought long and hard lately to think and pinpoint what is going on. I just don't feel loved. I don't need jewelry and I don't care if the house is messy. I loved it when he used to play with my hair, but he stopped several years ago, because "I expected it." When we are intimate and he's done being intimate, he says "thanks honey" and leaves me for the shower while I'm left alone to decide whether to go to sleep or to finish being intimate by myself (this has always been the case). I have to beg and plead with him to go places and he usually doesn't end up going because he "hates crowds" or amusement parks, or staying at a distant relatives house or [insert excuse here]. Which leaves me either at home bummed or I go with the kids and have a miserable time trying to handle the kids by myself. There are so many more things like that I could go on forever. How am I supposed to love my husband when I feel so unloved? I've told him all of this before because he says he is not a mind reader and I'm supposed to give it to him straight. Well that apparently doesn't work either because here we are 10 years later and I feel zero happiness in my life. It's so emotionally draining to constantly wear a fake smile and to be honest, I feel it in my chest that there is a breaking point I'm about ready to cross. That scares me because I don't know what that looks like. I guess I'm asking for help because I just don't know what to do anymore.

[TishaBuv]

Your kids are still young and hard to handle by yourself, so leaving right now is probably not a good option. You have a lot to work through. Maybe start with communication with him, telling him exactly what you want.

I would not be able to stand the 'thanks honey' not even one time.

[anielica]

Leaving isn't an option anyway. I took a vow, I'm in it for the long haul. I'm afraid of what that will do to me though...

[TishaBuv]

Did you feel love in all the right ways in the past? Has he changed toward you or you to him?

[Michelea]

Reading this, it kinda sounds (to me) like a 'roommates with benefits' relationship instead of a marriage. Have you thought about going to counseling?

[anielica]

It was that way in the very beginning. I even feel bad complaining about it because people always tell me how lucky I am to have a husband like him. I've thought about counseling, I would have to go by myself, I know he wouldn't go and if I told him I were going, he would just get mad. Yes, roommates with benefits is exactly how it feels only he's getting all the benefit.

[Michelea]

Not sure how your thoughts on what other people think about your marriage has any bearing on your feelings. A lot of difficult marriages "look" great from the outside.

Unless he becomes dangerous when mad, go to counseling and let him get mad. lol, maybe he will decide to join you in counseling, to defend himself after he hears what the counselor tells you.

Go to counseling on your own, since he won't go, too. It can help you as an individual and you deserve happiness. Getting through my issues in therapy helped me a lot and I was able to improve my life, as well as having the confidence to make changes for myself. That was hard work but it led to happiness for me. Life isn't perfect but we can strive for happiness and believe in ourselves. Good luck.

[anielica]

Are there any good online counseling sites? With our busy schedule, I'm not sure I can commit to another scheduled thing.

[Crazy Hitch]

You need a bit of "vavoom" in your personal life.

Something that makes you happy, makes you smile.

And I mean something separate from your husband that you do that brings you joy, so that whilst you are working on areas that need improvement in your marriage, you have an "outlet" of sorts so that your energy isn't focused 24/7 on something that may take some time to fix.

Maybe try your hand at a completely different hobby that you've never done before. Joining an art class might help. That's a far out there suggestion but used to illustrate what I mean.

[PandorasAquarium]

It's easy to get into a lull in a marriage. I know my husband and I have, but I just keep trying to push through it as best I can. And it's slowly working. Mostly. I'm afraid at 9 years together ourselves, the spark and 'passion' has mostly simmered into warm glowing embers. I just refuse to believe this is it or that the fire will just die out completely until we're just ashes. Like you said, I'm in it for the long haul too. Which means work.

Unfortunately, a relationship requires both people to be equally involved and important. You can try everything in the world to reignite your romance and love, but if he's not willing to try as well, it won't do anything but break your spirit.

Councelling is a great idea, if you can get him to support you.

It sounds to me like your husband doesn't realize there is a problem. That's deadly to marital happiness. So if there's a way to communicate your unhappiness to him without making it sound like it's all his fault, that might be a good start. Also, take vocal responsibility for whatever part you may have played in the issues with your marriage, so he doesnt feel attacked. There's always something, however small. Relationships are always 50/50.

Men tend to be "fixers" by nature, as well as take a lot of pride in their prowess, manliness, ability to provide, etc. Maybe if you present your issues as a "I feel unloved, unappreciated, whatever, when you don't spend time at thw park with me and the kids (or in bed with me)" for example. Something pertinent to your specific situation, of course. If he's receptive to that, it might get the door open to where he recognizes there is a problem. Then, offer some clear solutions for him. Something that works for you, but that he won't just hate. Something he can do to "fix" things for you.

Also, try mixing things up. You didn't mention anything that he likes to do (or maybe I missed it), but for instance, my husband loves everything fishing, hunting, etc. I love kayaking, bicycling, and then a bunch of downright girly stuff too. I have made a concerted effort to learn to hunt, fish, and shoot. I've learned to fly fish from my kayak, because then we can both be happy. Freezing a tree stand on opening day of deer season is so not my idea of fun, but I do it every year because he adores it and loves the comraderie of having his woman there with him. Later I send him off with my blessing while I sleep in. Lol. Then, I ask him to go for a bike ride with me. It's not necessarily a quid pro quo thing. There's no expectation. Just a hope that by doing things for the other that we ourselves might not be so enthusiastic about, we build up our relationship. I've actually learned to really enjoy some of 'his' activiries too now.

Or, try something that neither one of you has ever tried. Go do something completely new and spontaneous together. A 'date night' might not hurt either, where you get the kids a sitter and just spend some time getting to know one another again.

Again, I don't know what your man enjoys and maybe you've already tried this, but maybe if you can spend time together, it would bolster your intimacy and rapport.

Biggest thing I've learned with my husband is that I have to always remember to let him know what I appreciate about him. Constantly. Then, I tell him as best I can what I need, why it's important to me, and what it means to me when he does it, whether it's simply taking out the garbage or some intimate fun that I really liked (then maybe stroke his ego about how good at it he was, so he'll do it again ). It's not foolproof, and bless the man's heart, sometimes he is so clueless, no matter how much I try to be clear, but he tries and that's all I really want.

Falling in love is an every day thing. It doesn't just happen once. I do it over and over again every day. It's so easy to just take one another for granted and get hung up on the things that make me crazy or let me down, but I consciously try to find the things about him that I admire too. And it works. I think he has to do the same with me. When I really need him to do something, even if it's just for my emotional happiness, I try to just flat out tell him, otherwise he blithely goes about his life ticking me off and letting me down, then gets befuddled when I snap at him.

I don't know if any of this even makes sense, but I hope so. Maybe it will help too. Maybe not. But if you're committed to your marriage and so is he, but you're unhappy - that's no way to live. Life's too short. Maybe you can kickstart things by trying a new approach.

Good luck and I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not so lonely. I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope he comes around and realizes what he's missing.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Also in it for the long haul and past my breaking point!

(((HUGS!!))))

" Men tend to be "fixers" by nature, as well as take a lot of pride in their prowess, manliness, ability to provide, etc. Maybe if you present your issues as a "I feel unloved, unappreciated, whatever, when you don't spend time at thw park with me and the kids (or in bed with me)" for example. Something pertinent to your specific situation, of course. If he's receptive to that, it might get the door open to where he recognizes there is a problem. Then, offer some clear solutions for him. Something that works for you, but that he won't just hate. Something he can do to "fix" things for you.

Also, try mixing things up. You didn't mention anything that he likes to do (or maybe I missed it), but for instance, my husband loves everything fishing, hunting, etc. I love kayaking, bicycling, and then a bunch of downright girly stuff too. I have made a concerted effort to learn to hunt, fish, and shoot. I've learned to fly fish from my kayak, because then we can both be happy. Freezing a tree stand on opening day of deer season is so not my idea of fun, but I do it every year because he adores it and loves the comraderie of having his woman there with him. Later I send him off with my blessing while I sleep in. Lol. Then, I ask him to go for a bike ride with me. It's not necessarily a quid pro quo thing. There's no expectation. Just a hope that by doing things for the other that we ourselves might not be so enthusiastic about, we build up our relationship. I've actually learned to really enjoy some of 'his' activiries too now

Biggest thing I've learned with my husband is that I have to always remember to let him know what I appreciate about him. Constantly. Then, I tell him as best I can what I need, why it's important to me, and what it means to me when he does it, whether it's simply taking out the garbage or some intimate fun that I really liked (then maybe stroke his ego about how good at it he was, so he'll do it again ). It's not foolproof, and bless the man's heart, sometimes he is so clueless, no matter how much I try to be clear, but he tries and that's all I really ..."

My apologies for the format...I don't know how to quote another's post. But THIS above is excellent advice, IMO.

I don't know of any online counseling sites. I think your marital problems are important enough to warrant making time to do counseling in person. If you can make time for hobbies and he has time to stay home...you can squeeze counseling in there. Not a criticism, just an observation.

Also, he may need an extra nudge that you really would like him to go out and do something with you. I'm an introvert and my partner is an extrovert. I'm content to stay at home and he loves to go out. It energizes him while it zaps my energy. I need to recharge at home.

However, we can and do meet in the middle. I can do an amusement park a couple of times a year and I do so. We also do both enjoy going out to eat and do that regularly. I like movies and I'm content to watch them at home. However, if he really wants to see one at the theater, I'll go with him or he will go with a friend.

Speaking of friends, how about going out with friends while he relaxes at home? My partner loves doing things with me but understands I'm not always up to going out. I never try to convince him to stay home with me. Instead, I encourage him to go out with friends, etc. He does that and he goes out on his own, too. Last week he went to the gardening store to pick up potting planters. He asked if I wanted to go and I said no, so he went on his own. When he arrived home, we gardened together and we were both happy.

Occasionally, he really wants me to do an outside activity with him. He communicates with me about it and I will get out of my comfort zone and go. It brings us closer and I find that it is healthy for me to get out of the house.

I hope these suggestions help you.

[anielica]

Thank you for such a beautifully thought out response and thank you to everyone who has shown an interest in me. I think I need to come back to this previous post and read it daily! It has almost been like a grieving process for me, this last few days. I haven't seen him in a week because I took our kids and my grandma on a vacation (he refused to go). When I first started this post, I was hurt and angry, now is not quite as strong and i really loved the last piece of advice. We'll see what happens when I get home tomorrow. We didn't talk much while we were gone and when I texted him, "Are we okay?" 20 minutes ago, I have yet to receive a response.

[anielica]

Well I'm home from my trip. I came back feeling refreshed and committed to make an effort to just be nicer. I suffer from PMDD so that's a challenge all in itself. With that said, he's still the same, but he notices when he's being a complete turd and actually apologizes, so that's something. I figure wherever we are at now took 10 years to get there so I shouldn't expect significant change in a matter of days.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by anielica

Are there any good online counseling sites? With our busy schedule, I'm not sure I can commit to another scheduled thing.

It's likely healing of the relationship will require setting the relationship (and any associated therapy/counseling) as a priority.


WC