[Ceridwen18]

I live with my partner and my 2 teenage sons. My partner works away for 2 weeks then is back for 1. When we met he was an advocate of open relationships and had many friends who were casual sex partners, he watched a lot of porn and paid to watch webcam girls. There was one very old friend that he had a real thing for. They had never been in a relationship in their 20 year friendship, but had been casual sex partners. I felt very threatened, especially as when I first started talking to him (online) he told me if she asked him, he would rush to be with her and marry her. Our online relationship progressed, we fell in love, and moved in together (monogamy was a condition, and I gave him the choice before he moved in), and have been living together 3 years. He has told me he doesn’t want her anymore, just me. I asked him to stop contact with this woman as it made me very uncomfortable (too many reasons to go into, but I felt justified). She has texted him during that time and he has hidden it from me. I felt something was off recently, so I asked him. He said nothing, all was fine. I asked him if he was talking to anyone that might upset me. He said no. So I snooped, didn’t I?
Yes, he’d been talking to her, and erased the messages, but the contact information was there. He’d also gone back to watching a lot of porn (I don’t mind this while he’s away, but he was home and I was at work, and there was so much of it!). I confronted him, and he tried to deny it, but couldn’t. He coldly informed me he was depressed about working away and needed someone to talk to. There was no remorse or apology. He said he didn’t tell me because I was “stressed enough” with work and kids. She understands him and he can talk to her. He wanted to talk it over with her rather than upset me. He justified his deceit by saying he needed it, and showed no care for hurting me or breaking my trust. His reaction knocked me for a six, and I lost it, drank too much and physically attacked him. I screamed and sobbed and demanded answers while he stonewalled me.
I told him to go, then as we calmed down we decided to stay together. Obviously, trust is gone. He’s gone back to work now, and my head is doing me in. I am partially financially dependent on him, as I work part time. I have a contract till December. I think he is waiting to see if I get a fulltime contract next year, then he will leave.
What’s the problem? I can’t stand this! I wish he would be honest and tell me what is really going on. I’ve had nervous bowel since it happened, and luckily I’m on holidays so I don’t have to cope at work (I’m a teacher). I can’t control my emotions or thoughts and I can’t go on like this.
Thanks for reading. It’s pretty pathetic.

[Bill3]

(((((Ceridwen18)))))

[Lost_in_the_woods]

(((HUGS))))
Knowing that things are wrong and need to change or end, then getting your feelings minimalized and the refusal to answer or make any clear commitment one way or the other, denial,silence, putting blame on you...It's the worst of the worst.. so hard to move past so hard to heal from. So sorry this is happening to you It's not your fault. You are good. He is driving you to insanity when it is unnecessary and at this point all you want is some word of well...Anything! I think we all at least deserve closure if nothing else. And it's so unfair when denied it.
What this says to me is that you are an amazing honest, loving, REAL person, who is kind and decent and brave enough to identify and own up to your own shortcomings. You value these characteristics about yourself and in others. Am I right? Or am I just projecting? Idk. But myself, I am very accepting of ppl for all that they are good and bad... and the kind of behavior you describe from him is one of very very few thing that no matter how I try to look at it...I can not understand it on any level. And I value myself on having exceptionally developed reasoning skills both abstract and logical. (Not trying to toot my own horn here, but I am proud...mostly because it is the only thing I still feel confident in my brain of being able to assess acurately and trust it is some sort of concrete gripe on the way thing work) is if that makes sense...but if you are like me in anyway stayed then what he is the worst thing imaginable to me.....and somehow I seem to always end up with at least one person in my life at all times that seems to either prey on this maliciously or just is that opposite kinda person and does it out of default. Sorry been a long day and lots of bull stampeding thru my head right now....having trouble being coherent and separating it all. Hope you find peace of mind

I'm terribly sorry that you are in this situation. You've been betrayed and are rightfully in very much pain.

I hope that you can find peace soon. Meanwhile, I think that you need to get tested for STDs. His being away for two-week periods regularly gives him ample opportunity to hook up with other women for sex. Based on his secretive contact with the woman you mention in your post, it's quite likely he's been having sex outside the marriage. Thinking of you.

[Ceridwen18]

Thank you so much for your replies. Lost in The woods...thank you for your lovely words. I do try to reflect and evaluate myself and I am very honest with myself. That's one of the reasons this is so unbearable. If one person is honest in the relationship, and the other isn't.....and if they can't even look into themselves and be honest with themselves, what hope is there?
You make a good point Rainyday....before we got together, he was very promiscuous, but also always practiced safe sex, as the crowd he was with all were. But I will follow up.
Again, thanks for your words and support.

Thinking of you. Keep us posted on how you're doing. xo

[Ceridwen18]

Thank you. I went to see my T, described the woman concerned, the incident, and the behaviour of everyone, and she had a bit to say, all of which confirmed my darkest fears, including that my partner is leaving doors open to have f2f contact with this woman, and given their history, probably more.
All the stuff I know, but want to look past.
Because I have been so unwell, she suggested I use this to get closure, and that I tell him that I have to look after my own mental health and that he has to make a choice. The choice is entirely his to make, but it's either me, and we move forward, or his "friendship" with her and we end it right there.
I know that if he chooses me, he will resent me, as he already feels he has changed his life so much for me, but she says that is his problem and he needs to deal with it.
My partner is egocentric and a bit narcissistic, so he feels he is entitled, should be able to do what he wants, and he's a little above the rest of us mere mortals. He will not like this and it will attack his pride.
He has already given up a great deal to be with me, and I know the friendship with this woman is the ONE thing he doesn't want to let go.
I pick him up from the airport tomorrow. Wish me strength!

[divine1966]

Not to be too blunt but this dude doesn't strike me as "above the rest of us" with his sleeping around, watching porn and web cam girls. Strikes me as a bit of a promiscuous low class with loose morals. He lost his pride long time ago. Sure he is entitled. Entitled to his less than classy life style.

. I wouldn't ask him to choose as he would just lie better than before. You can do better than this. Just my opinion. No woman needs to live like this.

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[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Ceridwen18

I live with my partner and my 2 teenage sons. My partner works away for 2 weeks then is back for 1. When we met he was an advocate of open relationships and had many friends who were casual sex partners, he watched a lot of porn and paid to watch webcam girls. There was one very old friend that he had a real thing for. They had never been in a relationship in their 20 year friendship, but had been casual sex partners. I felt very threatened, especially as when I first started talking to him (online) he told me if she asked him, he would rush to be with her and marry her. Our online relationship progressed, we fell in love, and moved in together (monogamy was a condition, and I gave him the choice before he moved in), and have been living together 3 years. He has told me he doesn’t want her anymore, just me. I asked him to stop contact with this woman as it made me very uncomfortable (too many reasons to go into, but I felt justified). She has texted him during that time and he has hidden it from me. I felt something was off recently, so I asked him. He said nothing, all was fine. I asked him if he was talking to anyone that might upset me. He said no. So I snooped, didn’t I?
Yes, he’d been talking to her, and erased the messages, but the contact information was there. He’d also gone back to watching a lot of porn (I don’t mind this while he’s away, but he was home and I was at work, and there was so much of it!). I confronted him, and he tried to deny it, but couldn’t. He coldly informed me he was depressed about working away and needed someone to talk to. There was no remorse or apology. He said he didn’t tell me because I was “stressed enough” with work and kids. She understands him and he can talk to her. He wanted to talk it over with her rather than upset me. He justified his deceit by saying he needed it, and showed no care for hurting me or breaking my trust. His reaction knocked me for a six, and I lost it, drank too much and physically attacked him. I screamed and sobbed and demanded answers while he stonewalled me.
I told him to go, then as we calmed down we decided to stay together. Obviously, trust is gone. He’s gone back to work now, and my head is doing me in. I am partially financially dependent on him, as I work part time. I have a contract till December. I think he is waiting to see if I get a fulltime contract next year, then he will leave.
What’s the problem? I can’t stand this! I wish he would be honest and tell me what is really going on. I’ve had nervous bowel since it happened, and luckily I’m on holidays so I don’t have to cope at work (I’m a teacher). I can’t control my emotions or thoughts and I can’t go on like this.
Thanks for reading. It’s pretty pathetic.

He's not going to change this. the fact that he has no remorse over it, if that is the case as you say, then this is going to be something he keeps on doing and I don't think there is a desire in him to change. he is essentially a guy that doesn't want to be exclusive. He sees no problem with multiple partners in the first place, but then you knew this when you decided to move in. Asked him to make a choice but to be honest, he's just going back to his normal way.

Honestly your initial thought ot tell him to go was probably the better decision.

[Ceridwen18]

Thank you everyone, for your words and support. As far as I know he has honoured his promise and not been with anyone else since we got together, and I've never found evidence that he has. Internet stuff, yes, but not anything else, as far as I know.
It is hard to trust someone when they have lied to you at least once, and I'm not sure what to think about that.
Well, I did my little speech today and he immediately agreed with my terms that he can only have phone/internet chat with this woman and nothing else, because "that was all" he wanted in the first place, was to talk to an old friend for advice.
I'm not completely naive, but at this stage I will take him at his word (and honestly, part of that is the financial issues, and I know how bad that sounds, believe me), because he simply doesn't have the opportunity to cheat. He works in another state, and I drop him to and pick him up from the airport. He doesn't have access to a vehicle, either.
I know if he was determined, he could make it happen, and if it does, that will be it, even if I have to live in a cardboard box under a bridge.
Fingers crossed. I'll be putting some money aside for a contingency fund in the meantime.

I'm sorry for you. Try not to waste too much time in your life believing in a liar.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Originally Posted by Ceridwen18

Thank you everyone, for your words and support. As far as I know he has honoured his promise and not been with anyone else since we got together, and I've never found evidence that he has. Internet stuff, yes, but not anything else, as far as I know.
It is hard to trust someone when they have lied to you at least once, and I'm not sure what to think about that.
Well, I did my little speech today and he immediately agreed with my terms that he can only have phone/internet chat with this woman and nothing else, because "that was all" he wanted in the first place, was to talk to an old friend for advice.
I'm not completely naive, but at this stage I will take him at his word (and honestly, part of that is the financial issues, and I know how bad that sounds, believe me), because he simply doesn't have the opportunity to cheat. He works in another state, and I drop him to and pick him up from the airport. He doesn't have access to a vehicle, either.
I know if he was determined, he could make it happen, and if it does, that will be it, even if I have to live in a cardboard box under a bridge.
Fingers crossed. I'll be putting some money aside for a contingency fund in the meantime.

Are you certain that you are 100% OK with the boundaries yu agreed upon?.. I know you were the one who iniated the conversation, but are you actually fine with him talking to this woman or are you giving up ground on your side of the line for the sake of compromise/ temp. resolution of conflict? Cuz if you're not really OK then you maybe leading yourself into a trap of obsessive behaviours..ie...checking his phone logs/msgs, going down the blackhole of online/ social media investigating everyone and everyone they know..getting jumpy suspicious easedropping, how were you talking to...complete psycho paranoia..until u akw up one day and say who is this crazy woman? And how did I become her?? Just asking, Cuz the last thing you need right now is be driven even crazier than you already were! ..and then tell shame of knowing you did it yourself.. ick. Hope you are really fine with water you agreed to..would hate to see you prolonging your situation and causing urself further damage

[Ceridwen18]

Thank you, Lost in the Woods. I know exactly what you are saying. Part of the deal was transparency...no passwords or codes on phones, but having said that, I won't be snooping because it will feed my anxiety.
I am okay with non face to face contact, partially because I think it will be rare and that it will peter out eventually.
This isn't a temporary resolution of conflict, it's a final solution. If he breaks his word, I will find out eventually, and it will be over. Already putting money of my own aside just in case. But things are good.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Glad to hear you thought it thru zhope everything works out for the best

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Not to sound tacky, but it reminds me of fifty shades when he gets caught talking to the older woman he used to be in love with. But yea too many red flags and low class behavior. I would get tested and I wouldn't believe for one minute there wasn't any one else while he's away.

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