[ruesia]

My husband and I have been on rocky ground lately. We recently sold our house and moved, which is a lot for anyone. Add to that we barely see one another due to our opposite work shifts (I work days he works nights) and it is a challenge to say the least. As a result of all this hubbub, my stress levels are through the roof. I don't want to get up. I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to go to work. (ETA: I should note I still DO these things, but I certainly don't FEEL like it).

When I met my husband, I was in a better place mentally. I was very stable. So he has trouble understanding me and what I need right now. He keeps telling me "Well let's just go to sleep and we can start over in the morning." Except-- that won't work for me. I can't just sleep off depression. He told me I need to see a doctor to get "fixed". I have battled with depression (and as you know, I do mean BATTLED) since I was a teenager. I have always had these tugs of depression pull me down and I have to slowly crawl back out.

I know myself. I know how to cope and I know what I need. I have fine tuned my plan for recovery. However, he has not seen me go through this so he keeps telling me "See another doctor" and "Go see another therapist." By now, I have figured out what this looks like. I have accepted I will be very depressed for a few months at the very least. I know how to keep my head above water but it is tough and I have really bad days. No amount of drugs or counseling will change that. It is who I am and I have embraced that my 'normal' on days like this won't look the same as someone else's normal.

But how can I explain that to him? I asked him how many doctors I have to see and how many months I have to keep trying things he wants me to do until he gets it. In all honesty, I don't even feel I should have to jump through these hoops. I know my body and I know my mind. I am exhausted and I am overwhelmed but I also know how to recover and set myself up for good days. I journal and exercise and eat healthily and take supplements. It doesn't make me 100% better; not even by half. But I get through another day.

How do I explain this to him? Or, is there a way to explain it? Should I keep going to see more and more doctors? Is there a miracle cure out there? I know I am very unhappy right now but I am not in denial. I have dealt with this for decades now and know this will pass. I am not a danger to myself, although sometimes I do feel like not getting out of bed or not going to work. I know this worries him. But, instead of his pushing me making me feel better, it is making me feel worse. It is targeting me as abnormal. It is attacking me and telling me I need to do more. But I know myself. I know what I'm capable of. I can barely get up in the morning-- how can I possibly schedule doctors appointments and talk to person after person when I've done this all before. They help but ultimately the regiment I am on now works the best. We did see a counselor together and that was not productive because it became a battle of how my depression was impacting him. Trust me-- I know. But I can't help it. I try. And I feel a heck of a lot worse than I actually let on. But sometimes I want to come home and just be 'me' and sometimes, that 'me' is depressed.

Hi there, I am sorry you are so depressed. I have had major depression on more than one occasion. You and I both know how horrible it is.

You may not like my answer, but you asked. I absolutely think you should go see a doctor. I think you should go see a psychiatrist that specializes in mood disorders, specifically. You need a professional that is experienced in this area. Get a full mental health evaluation. Major depression can also occur in other illnesses, like bipolar disorder.

I also think you should reconsider medication. There are new medications out regularly and it is very possible there is one that will help you. It might take more than one medication. It may take trying a few different meds to find what works. It's not fun but it is worth it when the depression lifts. It's like having a new lease on life. Therapy as an adjunct to this can change your life profoundly- for the better.

This is just my opinion. I hope you consider it. I can't see a significant downside...what do you have to lose? Lose the depression, you need help doing that and you deserve happiness and health. You sound strong. I think you can do this. xo

[Ceridwen18]

Hi ruesia
I'm so sorry your husband doesn't understand.
I'm like you in that I have been depressed since my teens, and I still fall back down the black hole sometimes and have to claw my way out. I know how to do it, but it takes time. I up my meds, see my T more frequently, walk, and journal...similar to the strategies you use. I see my doctor and he hasn't suggested any different meds or any other approach, he seems to understand I need time, and keeps an eye on me. He is just a general practitioner with a lot of interest and experience, not a psychiatrist, though.
I think I would resent it if my partner expected things of me other than what I know works.
You don't say if you are on medication or seeing a T. I know without my meds I wouldn't have a hope. If you're not, is it because you have tried and not had success? Also, besides the T you saw with your husband, do you see a T, by yourself?
I think those things are worth persevering with until you find what works for you, because they can change your life for the better so drastically.
I can feel your frustration with your husband not understanding you, or trusting you to know what you need. But this is probably scary for him, he's worried about you and wants to help. He doesn't know what to do, so he keeps offering possible solutions (many men like to do that).
Our loved ones want us to be happy and well. To sit on their hands when we are not is a struggle. I hope you can reach an understanding with him, because you don't need more to worry about right now. Hugs

[Mid-Life-Larry]

Hi ruesia,
May I suggest; find your local NAMI (NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | NAMI: The National Alliance on Mental Illness) chapter. They often have (FREE) classes for family members. I just completed one of their courses and it was wonderful.
(My wife refuses to go; she is in denial that both her husband and daughter are struggling.... also believes "it's all in my head".. but that's another story).

It can be difficult and I wish you the best.

[ruesia]

Thanks everyone. I do see a counselor for myself and I have been on many medications in the past. I do also see a doctor regularly that monitors me. I guess I am just frustrated. I have now been to about 7 doctors, 4 therapists, and even an alternative medicine 'healer'. In all honesty, I don't want to be on medication. It makes me feel awful. I am really sensitive to any chemicals/medication and most often have rather extreme reactions. I can't even take most cough medicine because it gives me hallucinations. So, trying medications is incredibly taxing on me.

I also am sick of seeing doctor-after-doctor. Because I present so well, they send me on wild goose chases to heal myself. That, or if I am honest with them, I've had one doctor commit me to inpatient treatment. Which, was totally not needed and I was released shortly after by the staff physician.

I realize there may be a medication out there to 'cure me' but how many do I go through and feel downright awful until enough is enough? How many doctors do I go to until I've seen enough? In all honesty, I have developed a great recovery plan for myself and can make it through the day. However, I will not be happy-go-lucky 24/7. I will never be that person. I will have good days but I will also have bad days. This can even be true for individuals on medication.

I have found a balance for myself but it keeps getting tipped because my husband tells me that I should be happy all the time. He tells me he doesn't want to worry about me. I don't know that I will ever be that person. I accept myself. I function this way. I go to grad school full-time, I work full-time, and I train horses as a second job/hobby. Most days, I am incredibly productive and go-go-go and have dinner on the table and everything scheduled out and its fine. But some days, I just want to stay in my pajamas and not do anything. Those are the exception. It seems like my husband wants me to be super woman 24/7 because that is what he sees all the time. But that is exhausting. Yknow?

I do have an appointment to see another doctor this month. I also recently saw a new therapist, but it went poorly very quickly. I told her I worked 8-5 and needed 6 pm appointments. At first she said that was fine, then at our first session told me she couldn't do 6 pm appointments long term but she'd try her best. So we scheduled our second session and when I called to confirm she told me we'd never scheduled that appointment, she would never schedule it for 6 pm.

I walk this emotional tight-rope having to explain myself to doctors and doctors and therapists and counselors. They question me, they scrutinize me, they tell me "Look, you're working, you're going to school-- you're just stressed, try breathing exercises".

At this point, I am coping with my current situation and don't think I am up to the task of going through trial after trial. The right answer COULD be around the corner, but each wrong turn is pushing me further and further inside myself. I just want my husband to be able to see me in my pajamas on a blue moon and instead of pointing out how abnormal I am, just say "Sorry honey, can I get you some ice cream?" Yknow, something like that. Those days are so infrequent, but its like I can't even be myself at home because I have to keep up the charade of being 'fine' all the time. Of always being okay. Of never having a bad day.

[Ceridwen18]

Oh my dear, that is so perfectly reasonable! As we know, even people without MIs aren't happy 24/7. This sounds like much more your husband's problem than yours. I wonder what his own family history is like, that this is what he expects from you?

[ruesia]

Thanks Ceridwen18. He has explained to me that he looks to me to be his rock and his life raft so the fact that I am now the one needing encouragement I think is bewildering to him. Also, his family is not at all the sensitive type. They are very matter-of-fact, get done what needs to be done, and that's-that type. I grew up in a very sensitive and gentle household where everyone took care of everyone else and went out of their way to help others. So, naturally-- I take care of my husband at my own expense and, based on his family history, he takes of himself at everyone else's expense. So, I am a giver and he is a taker. But, some days I want to be the taker.

Maybe that just isn't the dynamic we can have? Maybe I am expecting too much of him.

Fortunately, today is a good day. Writing on here and getting some frustrations out has helped me make sense of everything. I also talked to my mom last night about everything and she kind of just gave me perspective on where things stand. They aren't great but I have to try to make the most of it. Today I am here--- but someday I will have more time to have clarity.

[Ceridwen18]

That's interesting...that he is the taker and you the giver. And difficult that he looks to you to be his rock when at times that's just what you need, especially when you have to struggle with MI.
I don't know whether that dynamic can change for you...people can change the way they relate to each other, of course, but they both need to be open and willing.
Maybe when you're feeling in a better space, that's something to explore. In the meantime, I'd act like the taker! It's okay to fall apart and not cope...how he deals with that is his problem, and not your responsibility.
My partner has come to be my rock, the first one I've ever had in my life. It's taken a couple of years for him to learn what I need, and we don't always get it right, but he does his best.
I wish the same for you. xxx

[ruesia]

Originally Posted by Ceridwen18

That's interesting...that he is the taker and you the giver. And difficult that he looks to you to be his rock when at times that's just what you need, especially when you have to struggle with MI.
I don't know whether that dynamic can change for you...people can change the way they relate to each other, of course, but they both need to be open and willing.
Maybe when you're feeling in a better space, that's something to explore. In the meantime, I'd act like the taker! It's okay to fall apart and not cope...how he deals with that is his problem, and not your responsibility.
My partner has come to be my rock, the first one I've ever had in my life. It's taken a couple of years for him to learn what I need, and we don't always get it right, but he does his best.
I wish the same for you. xxx

Thank you. Its actually comforting to know that you and your partner were able to figure it out together. I am really hopeful my husband will be able to eventually understand what I need. The first year of our relationship I was very much emotionally stable, so I did fall in to the role of the giver for the most part. He is rather taken by surprise that I, the strong amazon-of-a-woman can fall apart.

Unfortunately, last night there was a tragedy in our area. My husband was indirectly involved, but it hit very close to home for him. I am having to throw my depression to the wind for the next few days to unconditionally support him in his time of need. Part of me has a twinge of bitterness-- to him, a tangible tragedy permits him to grieve but mental illness and very similar feelings are not as real and do not justify feelings of grief or depression. But, no, I can't think like that.

I appreciate the sentiment that my own feelings and actions can be just about me right now. I can't continue to shape my own emotions based on how it will impact others. My husband says he wants me to get better so HE can stop worrying. It upsets me when his motivations for me getting better are to alleviate his own impact from it instead of stopping to think "Wow, you are feeling really yucky right now. That must be awful." Sometimes I feel like he thinks I want to feel like this. No one chooses to be depressed or have MI. He tells me he just deals with stress better so he can't understand me. I wish I could just deal with stress better sometimes.

Sigh! But, its Friday and 5 o clock marks the weekend.

[Ceridwen18]

You have such a good handle on what's going on for you. Your clarity is amazing, but, as you know, just because we understand something, doesn't make it any better. We still may not want to accept it. Your husband does sound a little self-centred with his remarks. It doesn't sound like he has much understanding or acceptance of MI, and if I were you, I'd want that to change.
You say you are "having to throw my depression to the wind for the next few days to unconditionally support him in his time of need."
Let me ask you this: what would happen if you didn't? If you just quietly kept caring for yourself and left him to do the same? He is your partner, not your child, after all.
I am playing devil's advocate here, and I remember that your own family does care for each other like this, but that's not how he operates. Just a thought.

My recommendation is that you take your spouse along to a psychiatrist appointment.

Also, most communities have support/information meetings for friends and family members of those with mental illness. My own mood disorders support group encourages new attendees to bring along a support person to a meeting.

[ruesia]

Thank you. He has been with me before to appointments. We have also seen a therapist together to try to foster that communication. Unfortunately, they have been unsuccessful. He is not receptive to going to group because he thinks this isn't about his response but instead is my job to fix myself.

We had another argument yesterday where he blamed me for not telling him that I was "sick" when we met. In reality, I told him I have suffered with depression and was hospitalized once for self-harm. However, at that time I was also in a physically abusive relationship and I attribute a lot of my issues as circumstantial. I have never acted that way since then, however the depression remains and I still battle with the several years of abuse and how they still impact me. You don't just get over things, especially MI. It feels like he expects me to snap out of it. I go see therapists and feel great during the session but I have to come home and be reminded I am a freak and-- I don't know. What amount of therapy or medication can fix that?

I am feeling really low today. I feel like he doesn't understand and doesn't want to understand. He doesn't want to support me- he wants me to need no support. I was a very strong person when this relationship started. Now I feel incredibly weak and vulnerable. I don't blame him for that but I do feel that without his support, I am having a really tough time handling this by myself.

[Ceridwen18]

I'm sorry you're feeling low today. He doesn't seem to understand, nor want to, I agree. I don't understand why anyone would be in a relationship and think they do not need to give support. That's part of it, surely?
Also, even though your depression pre-dated the relationship, what if it didn't? What if it was post-natal, or the result of a head injury? What I'm saying is that I don't think that's of any importance, and as you say, you did tell him.
Of course you can't snap out of it, and my heart goes out to you that you feel that's what he wants you to do.
From what you've said, you are trying to "fix yourself" as much as you are able, not asking for him to fix you, just to offer support and understanding along the way.
That's not a big ask. I must add, I feel quite cross with him as I write this! Sorry