I can't even

TishaBuv · Jul 23, 2016, 07:13 AM

I think I'm in the final done stage of the relationship with my husband. I've experienced before the conflicted feelings stay/go state that eventually ended with go.

I am so triggered, knowing he is coming home today, and I am going to have to act like a family for my son's sake today.

I just can't stand my husband now. Everything he says is like nails on a chalkboard.

I went through the grieving process for my dying love and marriage all by myself, while he hopelessly hangs on to false hopes about miracles instead of learning to understand me and give me what I need.

The psychiatrist years ago told me I was grieving and that I did not have any MI, I just couldn't stand my husband and that I should leave him. She was right.

And when I told my h what she said, he went there and told her off. That was the only time he took it upon himself to get aggressive with someone. ONLY when it hurt HIM.

I'm going to have to leave, disappearing for the day, showing up just for dinner, letting him have the house and the kids because I am too triggered. I just can't even look at him.

I woke up crying.

Jul 23, 2016, 07:21 AM

It took me years to act. I realized I'd really made the decision years before doing so.

Have yourself a plan. Get your accomodations situated. Get your income needs in place. Make decisions on how you will accomplish even basic tasks. The more prepared the better. do what you can within your means.

Bill3 · Jul 23, 2016, 08:12 AM

Quote:

And when I told my h what she said, he went there and told her off. That was the only time he took it upon himself to get aggressive with someone. ONLY when it hurt HIM.

It sounds like you have a degree of admiration for him for asserting himself for once. Unfortunately though it sounds like he never bestirs or asserts himself on your behalf or for what you need.

TishaBuv · Jul 23, 2016, 11:09 AM

He never stood up for me. It would have meant so much to me if he did, my father never protected me and died when I was 12. I so much wanted a man to make me feel protected. Things happened where any other husband would have defended his wife, and mine didn't. Even when I asked him to, he just couldn't bring himself to be assertive on my behalf.

The last incident was when our neighbor and friend bolted across the street

Possible trigger:

to rape me

. There was a scuffle, I got him out of my house. A month later I told my h, begging him not to make a scene. He didn't. He did shy away from social situations with the guy. Recently we all went out again and acted like nothing happened.

Epicurus · Jul 23, 2016, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I think I'm in the final done stage of the relationship with my husband. I've experienced before the conflicted feelings stay/go state that eventually ended with go.

I am so triggered, knowing he is coming home today, and I am going to have to act like a family for my son's sake today.

I just can't stand my husband now. Everything he says is like nails on a chalkboard.

I went through the grieving process for my dying love and marriage all by myself, while he hopelessly hangs on to false hopes about miracles instead of learning to understand me and give me what I need.

The psychiatrist years ago told me I was grieving and that I did not have any MI, I just couldn't stand my husband and that I should leave him. She was right.

And when I told my h what she said, he went there and told her off. That was the only time he took it upon himself to get aggressive with someone. ONLY when it hurt HIM.

I'm going to have to leave, disappearing for the day, showing up just for dinner, letting him have the house and the kids because I am too triggered. I just can't even look at him.

I woke up crying.

You do sound tired, like this decision has been a long time coming; perhaps too long. I believe he made a crucial mistake choosing to yell at your psychiatrist rather than talking to you. I would guess that communication has been lacking where you both feel more like roommates. There's no pleasant way to go about this, there is however a decision and I wish you more than luck in an all too common painful experience.

Jul 23, 2016, 09:52 PM

I'm so sorry...

Some of us need assertive men. Anything less won't work.

In my case, I cannot stand a man I feel superior to...

Bill3 · Jul 23, 2016, 10:32 PM

If OP and/or sophiesmom would be willing to expand a bit on the importance to them of assertiveness in men, I for one would be really interested and grateful.

divine1966 · Jul 24, 2016, 07:03 AM

I don't particularly want to feel superior to anyone but assertiveness is low on my priority list. I grew up in a family of very assertive men and subsequently married one and had relationships only with very assertive men. It proved to be very stressful for me.

I am now married to a much less assertive, mild mannered man and it's much better for me as I am finally very content and don't have to worry about him blowing up at every perceived injustice

But saying that, most certainly going out and having good times with TRIGGER rapist isn't something my husband would even consider. I would expect any decent man to protect his wife but one does not need to be assertive to do so. It's just kind of common sense IMHO

I am sorry for your pain tisha

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TishaBuv · Jul 24, 2016, 09:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

If OP and/or sophiesmom would be willing to expand a bit on the importance to them of assertiveness in men, I for one would be really interested and grateful.

I just wanted him to kiss, touch, and initiate sex with me. That was the one deal-breaker I couldn't live with.

But, for example, someone on another thread said how they were thrown our of church, and I mentioned an incident that happened to me where my h did nothing and I was so hurt.

I was treated like crap, very obnoxiously and unjustly and was very upset and crying over it. From a religious institution, and to me that's especially a sore subject where my husband should have gotten involved. But he did nothing. He should have picked up the phone or gone in there and made sure I at least got an apology from somebody or had our family leave the membership. I feel like any other man would have done something. I even asked him to get involved, and he still wouldn't.

So, if he had the sexual thing down, and just was a totally lame duck in other areas, would that have caused me the distress that I had in this whole marriage? No. I think I would have been ok with being everything else.

It really was about the sex that made me not feel loved.

TishaBuv · Jul 24, 2016, 09:16 AM

[QUOTE=divine1966;5197651]I don't particularly want to feel superior to anyone but assertiveness is low on my priority list. I grew up in a family of very assertive men and subsequently married one and had relationships only with very assertive men. It proved to be very stressful for me.

I am now married to a much less assertive, mild mannered man and it's much better for me as I am finally very content and don't have to worry about him blowing up at every perceived injustice

But saying that, most certainly going out and having good times with TRIGGER rapist isn't something my husband would even consider. I would expect any decent man to protect his wife but one does not need to be assertive to do so. It's just kind of common sense IMHO

I am sorry for your pain tisha

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don't particularly want to feel superior to anyone but assertiveness is low on my priority list. I grew up in a family of very assertive men and subsequently married one and had relationships only with very assertive men. It proved to be very stressful for me.

I am now married to a much less assertive, mild mannered man and it's much better for me as I am finally very content and don't have to worry about him blowing up at every perceived injustice

But saying that, most certainly going out and having good times with TRIGGER rapist isn't something my husband would even consider. I would expect any decent man to protect his wife but one does not need to be assertive to do so. It's just kind of common sense IMHO

I am sorry for your pain tisha

The story with the neighbors is a loo loo that I have been afraid to get into here, but it's significant. His actions that day even triggered something worse -- a reconnection with a former bf who just happened to call just after I threw the neighbor out and started drinking shots before noon to calm my nerves.

Nothing happened physically with either of them. It ended as badly once again with the former bf as it did the first time.

Anyway, I am traumatized now. I am scared of myself, too.

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Jul 24, 2016, 10:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

If OP and/or sophiesmom would be willing to expand a bit on the importance to them of assertiveness in men, I for one would be really interested and grateful.

I wouldn't want to derail with a boring post about my personal preferences in men.

divine1966 · Jul 24, 2016, 11:33 AM

The situation with a neighbour is horrid Tisha. I am so sorry and it sounds he is still living by you. Ugh ugh

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TishaBuv · Jul 24, 2016, 11:46 AM

Believe it or not, it's not horrid, it's just weird. Keep in mind, I've mostly only known weird relationships. True of most all the people I know and where I was raised. I don't know if the strange dysfunction is true of the whole world, or if it's partly a product of the town. It's a resort, transient place.

I am weird.

We made friends with the neighbors since they first moved in several years ago. They are among our best friends.

They are swingers. He is a mover and shaker. She is a doll with a huge heart. We had lots of great, crazy times with them.

I teased. Nothing really ever happened, but we skirted around it all. My h was down for it, but I was the one who decided to not rather than.

But, by the time he bolted across the street like that and attacked me, it was totally unexpected, unprovoked, and un-called for. I think there was something else emotionally going on with him and he just freaked out and acted like an animal... Very, very strange.

divine1966 · Jul 24, 2016, 12:48 PM

Yeah I don't know but IMHO attacking ones neighbor is more than just weird. It's not the norm. I've lived in many different places and different countries and continents and have met plenty of weirdos. Still, No, this dysfunction isn't true for the whole world.

If you go forward with separating it might be better for you to move and he can stay put. Also nothing against swingers but it's kind of sad he isn't willing to initiate sex with you yet was willing to get it on with swingers. Don't want to bash the life style if you are into it but even suggesting it would be a deal breaker for me.

He rubs me the wrong way and I don't even know him. Good luck but IMHO you are better off

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TishaBuv · Jul 24, 2016, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Yeah I don't know but IMHO attacking ones neighbor is more than just weird. It's not the norm. I've lived in many different places and different countries and continents and have met plenty of weirdos. Still, No, this dysfunction isn't true for the whole world.

If you go forward with separating it might be better for you to move and he can stay put. Also nothing against swingers but it's kind of sad he isn't willing to initiate sex with you yet was willing to get it on with swingers. Don't want to bash the life style if you are into it but even suggesting it would be a deal breaker for me.

He rubs me the wrong way and I don't even know him. Good luck but IMHO you are better off

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Your perception is right on.

When they told us about themselves. He could have sternly said 'no way' or privately to me at any time, he could have said he had no interest. But again there he let me call all the shots and was passive. And he encouraged it.

No, we're not swingers and didn't (really) do anything with them. (Yes, did a little bit, mostly flirtation).

I was hoping it would spice up our marriage and bring us closer together, but it didn't. It did more harm than good.

Jul 25, 2016, 08:58 PM

Thinking of you.

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