Marriage in trouble!

So my wife and I married almost a year ago. We are both women so that in itself is stressful. We struggle in a lot of ways. We both have mental illness but she is undiagnosed. We've both been very depressed and she is angry. I am diagnosed bipolar, borderline personality disorder, ptsd, ocd, anxiety. I feel bad because she's a free spirit and I'm insecure, needy and clingy. I have a hard time trusting. Over time this behavior from me has left her feeling angry and resentful. However I'm not totally at fault because she knows her ex is a huge trigger for me and she has continued to have some type of contact with her from just sneaking to text all the way to having her over for a party with us where she spent the night and stayed all day the next day. I didn't say no. But I did say it made me very uncomfortable and nervous but that I was trying for her. At any rate I've had several "breakdowns" over the last year for various reasons. During two of these I once shoved her and once punched her in the side. This is not like me at all. I've never been violent and have been a victim of an abusive relationship myself so I'm totally against it. She told me I need to get back on the meds. So yesterday I went back to the Dr and got new prescriptions. I also mentioned to her that she might think about seeing someone too because she's depressed. She completely shut me down. We constantly argue. Even when I'm trying to empathize with her she hears negativity. She's so angry. She says I've trapped her and that it's just better she doesn't speak to or see any of her friends to avoid any outbursts from me. I've never told her she couldn't see her friends I've only asked she not be around her ex. I feel guilty that I've made her so miserable but I also feel it's some kind of manipulation. I really don't know anymore. I don't want her to shut everyone out and resent me for the rest of my life. I am trying to work on myself so I can help her feel better. We can't talk about any of this without screaming at each other. I feel like everything I say is wrong. When I try to be there for her she hears me putting her down or mothering or patronizing when I'm not trying to do any of those things. I'm so lost. It's like I'm the crazy one and I'm the one causing all the problems so I'm the one who has to do all the changing but if I tell her that her angry tone or her depression needs to be addressed she gets even more angry. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to break up the marriage. I want us to try. But it just seems like a dead end. Help!

it seems to me that maybe you need some time alone without each other. distance makes the heart grow fonder. otherwise you can see a counselor if she would go.

It seems like a one way street with her. She says she wants you back on meds yet she refuses to get her own help. Are you asking us how you can help her? If so, I'm sorry to say but if she doesn't want help, she's not going to get better. I would say to try and convince her to go to couples counseling. But as long as you both aren't stable, this relationship isn't going to be easy. And the ex sleeping over??? Wouldn't sit with me. I just want to say that you and I have the exact same dx's so I get your mistrust and need for attention. It does get exhausting for my bf though when I'm constantly asking him questions trying to get something out of him. Then I have to sit back and realize that he didn't do anything, it's just my issues with my own MI coming out.

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I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. She wants to have her cake and eat it, too. Married (or not) people who love and respect each other don't continue relationships with their exes, especially when their spouse doesn't approve. Lots of people still might, but they do it very discreetly behind the spouse's back (but that's a different issue).

She's gaslighting you by telling you it's your problem. It doesn't look good and I don't know if your relationship has much of a chance for happily lasting.

This is domestic violence. I am not attacking you, just kind of flummoxed that thus far in this thread we are focusing on what she is doing to you when you have been physical. I've read dozens of threads from women who have been hit by their husband and in every one of those threads, the husband has been demonized by those who replied. "Once an abuser, always an abuser!" they cry. I expect that your being a woman has had something to do with the lack of outcry.

Personally, I don't look at people who become physically abusive the same as most. I think that in all cases, the person doing the hitting is hurting as well. i.e. 'Hurt people hurt people'. As a result, I tend to feel compassion for them as well as the person being hit. I share that so you will perhaps trust me that I am not attacking you.

But here's the thing: you can't change her behavior but you can change yours. You can address this with a therapist but please do address this. If she had called the police when these incidents occurred, you likely would have gone to jail - regardless of how serious you may have thought it was.

Don't worry about the marriage right now. Worry about yourself. If you don't take care of you - there will be no marriage anyway.

If my husband punched or shoved me, I'd be gone. It's abuse.

Was this relationship abusive prior to marriage? I really don't get it. Was it all great before marriage and now is bad? And if it's been always this way then why marry each other?

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