[xRavenx]

I'm getting tired of people in my life saying they will do something, then they will cancel plans last minute or not call me back until the end of the day. I really do try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes they do have valid excuses, but since I always try to put time aside for them and rarely ever cancel, it gets frustrating. They always apologize and explain, but I feel horrible and disappointed. Plus, it breaks my trust, because when I can't reach them, I wonder: are they not going to get back to me until 10:00 at night, or will I hear from them in an hour or so? When they do get back to me, I act nice about it and accept their apology. I have a hard time with confrontation and would like to know how to approach them without being pushy or driving them away.

Can anyone relate? It makes me feel unworthy when this happens, or at the very least confused and left hanging.

[jpb4815]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I'm getting tired of people in my life saying they will do something, then they will cancel plans last minute or not call me back until the end of the day. I really do try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes they do have valid excuses, but since I always try to put time aside for them and rarely ever cancel, it gets frustrating. They always apologize and explain, but I feel horrible and disappointed. Plus, it breaks my trust, because when I can't reach them, I wonder: are they not going to get back to me until 10:00 at night, or will I hear from them in an hour or so? When they do get back to me, I act nice about it and accept their apology. I have a hard time with confrontation and would like to know how to approach them without being pushy or driving them away.

Can anyone relate? It makes me feel unworthy when this happens, or at the very least confused and left hanging.

I can relate, I am obsessive about my punctuality and response times to messages or texts. I always feel let down by all but a few. I think that I have unrealistic expectations though.

Have you ever told these people what effect their actions have on you? I had to tell my wife and a few close friends a couple of years ago that it had a negative impact on me when they would not respond to texts, but I could see that they were actively on Facebook.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by jpb4815

I can relate, I am obsessive about my punctuality and response times to messages or texts. I always feel let down by all but a few. I think that I have unrealistic expectations though.

Have you ever told these people what effect their actions have on you? I had to tell my wife and a few close friends a couple of years ago that it had a negative impact on me when they would not respond to texts, but I could see that they were actively on Facebook.

I haven't fully explained to them what kind of affect this has on me since I don't want to come off as clingy or overbearing. I decided that I will tell someone upfront that if they aren't sure about plans, to please let me know in advance if they might not happen.

Every now and then, something comes up where someone has phone problems (I have a friend or two that are really disorganized or unable to reach me at certain times, and I also have friends who aren't constantly "plugged in" or able to bring their phones into work). In instances like that, I can make exceptions. But I've come to the conclusion, I can't constantly let things go. I think texting them the day before to make sure might help or saying "please let me know if things change," so they think twice.

Maybe being more assertive will make a difference. I know people have busy lives, and maybe they will work on reliability when I talk to them about it (trying to look on the bright side), since everyone has their strengths and their weaknesses. Yes, they should be more reliable, but it doesn't always mean they don't value the friendship....so I'll try not to let this control my emotions when things don't go my way, although it's a challenge for me.

[Michelea]

This has happened to me, with one of my sons actually. He and his family are very busy with school, work, and raising a two year old...so when they needed to reschedule a visit, I was okay with that. I was not okay with not knowing about it being rescheduled until I called him on the day I thought they were going to be here.

It wasn't intentional on his part, he is an amazing son, but after a few times of this...I did have a conversation with him about it. Told him that these no shows were not acceptable. Asked him how it would make him feel if I promised to watch my grandson for him one day, but when they brought him over, I told them that something came up where I couldn't do it...and just forgot to tell them about it?

I wasn't angry when I said it, but he did feel badly after realizing what he had been doing. Think reversing the situation made him see how it would make him feel to be on the receiving end of this. So far, no more being left hanging on things.

I don't mind when people cancel because, now that I have depression, I see things from a different viewpoint...not saying that everyone has depression of course, but I never considered in the past that there might be a problem...now I do.

So...I cancel at the last minute because I always hope against hope that I can join in on the fun.

Also, my phone is and always has been, there for my own convenience. If I am doing something else my phone is not my priority. And being offended because you know someone is online rather than answer the phone to you, strikes me as a little wrong imho. (Sorry, just giving a differing opinion).

I have been known to leave my phone off for days. It's always off at night. I don't always bring it with me when I go out, and I never answer it if I am face to face with a human being.

I am odd I suppose...

[jpb4815]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

I don't mind when people cancel because, now that I have depression, I see things from a different viewpoint...not saying that everyone has depression of course, but I never considered in the past that there might be a problem...now I do.

So...I cancel at the last minute because I always hope against hope that I can join in on the fun.

Also, my phone is and always has been, there for my own convenience. If I am doing something else my phone is not my priority. And being offended because you know someone is online rather than answer the phone to you, strikes me as a little wrong imho. (Sorry, just giving a differing opinion).

I have been known to leave my phone off for days. It's always off at night. I don't always bring it with me when I go out, and I never answer it if I am face to face with a human being.

I am odd I suppose...

I would not say that you are odd, in fact I really appreciate your point of view. I guess it is unrealistic to expect my standards from other people. Thank you for offering an alternative POV, I will try to remember it the next time I start to get riled up.

I don't think it's unrealistic to expect a certain amount of responsibility. I wish I was different to be honest. I used to be.

The real issue, and one I have posted about before, is how do we control our emotions? To me, it seems an impossible accomplishment. But then a lot of things are these days.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I'm getting tired of people in my life saying they will do something, then they will cancel plans last minute or not call me back until the end of the day. I really do try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes they do have valid excuses, but since I always try to put time aside for them and rarely ever cancel, it gets frustrating. They always apologize and explain, but I feel horrible and disappointed. Plus, it breaks my trust, because when I can't reach them, I wonder: are they not going to get back to me until 10:00 at night, or will I hear from them in an hour or so? When they do get back to me, I act nice about it and accept their apology. I have a hard time with confrontation and would like to know how to approach them without being pushy or driving them away.

Can anyone relate? It makes me feel unworthy when this happens, or at the very least confused and left hanging.

tbh if this is a habitual thing they do, I can relate but also I didn't remain friends for them if it continued. Time to find friends that actually care and want to hang out, not ones that give lip service and pretend they care and then their actions do the opposite.

[BipolarMama31]

Im gonna be honest here. I am constantly cancelling on people.
I usually over book and get exhausted and just cant do it. Or my husband is sick and needs me. Or the kids.

What i like is when people text me the day before just to say, hey are we still on?
Because then i can reevaluate and cancel at that time.
If ibdont get a heads up, ill end up calling or texting 30mins prior to the meet and cancel and explain why.

But never been no show.

Im not unreliable, friends can depend on me for emergencys and for fun times. But they know if they are not in my calendar they dont exist. I even calendar in phone calls. My mom had to tell me that she needs to have a once a week talk with me at minimum. Because i would just be off the grid. So now she is scheduled in.

Just my pov from the constant canceller


Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk

Well all of my close friends are online. The only one who I didn't meet online now lives in California. I know some people from a place I used to live and say hi if I see them in the store or on the street and maybe update eachother but that's about it. I don't rely on them for anything really.

With my online friends, my main concern when they don't respond to me is that they are mad at me or that I did something wrong. If they go a long time without messaging me I might be worried that they will forget me. Almost every relationship I have is full of abandonment fears-which I'm working on. I guess everyone is different but I like it much better with having closer friends on the internet and keeping my distance from people in real life.

Maybe you want to feel like you're important to someone and valued in their life. That makes complete sense because I feel the exact same way. I just find that people in real life are less able to meet that need for me than people online. I think you should explain this to your friends. Tell them that you understand they have responsibilities and stuff, but that you would really appreciate it if they could set aside some time to spend with you.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Anna72914

With my online friends, my main concern when they don't respond to me is that they are mad at me or that I did something wrong. If they go a long time without messaging me I might be worried that they will forget me. Almost every relationship I have is full of abandonment fears-which I'm working on. I guess everyone is different but I like it much better with having closer friends on the internet and keeping my distance from people in real life.

Maybe you want to feel like you're important to someone and valued in their life. That makes complete sense because I feel the exact same way. I just find that people in real life are less able to meet that need for me than people online. I think you should explain this to your friends. Tell them that you understand they have responsibilities and stuff, but that you would really appreciate it if they could set aside some time to spend with you.

Thank you for this. I do think part of the problem is that I want to make sure I'm valued by them, and maybe I'm being a little oversensitive and not recognizing that some people have limitations when it comes to being able to carry out plans. Sometimes people don't get back to me at all too (not online, but by phone). We'll plan something a few days in advance, but then when the time comes, I call and they aren't there. I guess it can be hard making plans too far out in advance though and maybe just sending them a text the night before would be a better way to go since things can easily come up if something is scheduled two days in advance. Part of the problem though is that I need to learn how to value myself and not give others too much importance, but it's tough.

When they do not answer and I do not hear from them that day or for a period of time, I tend to get paranoid that their opinion has changed about me or they no longer are interested in being friends. This isn't usually the case at all though, so I'm trying to stay positive about someone who did this to me recently who I haven't gotten a hold of. I think taking a step back and saying "they must have other stuff going on that they need to take care of" and just moving on with my life would help mitigate upsetting feelings. They'll catch up with me when they are able to and giving them too much power over my emotions isn't good for anyone.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I'm getting tired of people in my life saying they will do something, then they will cancel plans last minute or not call me back until the end of the day. I really do try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes they do have valid excuses, but since I always try to put time aside for them and rarely ever cancel, it gets frustrating. They always apologize and explain, but I feel horrible and disappointed. Plus, it breaks my trust, because when I can't reach them, I wonder: are they not going to get back to me until 10:00 at night, or will I hear from them in an hour or so? When they do get back to me, I act nice about it and accept their apology. I have a hard time with confrontation and would like to know how to approach them without being pushy or driving them away.

Can anyone relate? It makes me feel unworthy when this happens, or at the very least confused and left hanging.

I relate 100 percent. I have the exact same problem. I always feel like when friends act that way, then that is a sign of a fake friend. They don't care or not as invested in the friendship as much as you are. Trust me, I have the same problem. I hope you can find new friends that will treat you better.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I'm getting tired of people in my life saying they will do something, then they will cancel plans last minute or not call me back until the end of the day. I really do try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes they do have valid excuses, but since I always try to put time aside for them and rarely ever cancel, it gets frustrating. They always apologize and explain, but I feel horrible and disappointed. Plus, it breaks my trust, because when I can't reach them, I wonder: are they not going to get back to me until 10:00 at night, or will I hear from them in an hour or so? When they do get back to me, I act nice about it and accept their apology. I have a hard time with confrontation and would like to know how to approach them without being pushy or driving them away.

Can anyone relate? It makes me feel unworthy when this happens, or at the very least confused and left hanging.

IMO, this is mostly about bad/low self-esteem and disrespect which sets us up to be taken advantage of, ignored or even ABUSED by others (who also have bad self-esteem) so, I'd look for any information or workshops about raising or improving one's self worth and self respect and then get to work on fixing mine - EVEN IF IT'S TOUGH!!!

[djb92]

I am always that friend. I try not to say yes to everything anymore, but I still am always the person to leave early or bail last-minute. I would be mortified if someone had "the talk" with me. I feel so ashamed as it is.