Emotional compatibility

That's clearly in the non-constructive category - at best.

I get that but what are the conditions for such love to appear... what will make it develop?

Am I asking for the impossible when I want to see ahead a bit?

It's simple with kids - it's your own kid, your own genes, and they are helpless, young, cannot yet try and take advantage of you with ulterior motives.

So for adults I find it normal that such level of trust takes time to develop. And not just time.

And then... what if they do show some signs of how much they love you but then are inconsistent with that? Say, they tell you serious things like "yes, I'd like kids but it is up to you, if you don't want kids, I will accept that", they buy you an engagement ring, etc. But at the same time, they don't even seem to remember that you exist in many cases?

Oh nice love story But how did you know and not just hope or wish?

Because, for sure, I did find myself strongly attracted to people before on first sight but it didn't mean it was going to be all good in the relationship

I do find your perspective illuminating in some ways so thanks for it.

Well, you had to ask eh? Okay. As is my tendency, I tend to answer questions that I have strong opinions on as if I am giving facts, so just a reminder to both of us that this is my opinion...

The conditions necessary for love to develop is that the person doing the loving has matured sufficiently to leave their ego at the door to the other person's heart. The closest my wife and I ever got to having a fight was almost thirty years ago. I remember it vividly. She wanted to do something that was going to result in what I felt was a great personal loss for me and it didn't help that it stoked some jealousy issues too. We discussed it at length and, for us, it was heated. Then I saw the pain behind her eyes. I excused myself, went to the bathroom for a good ten minutes just to be alone and think about what was important to me. When I returned she asked what I had been doing in there for so long. I told her that I spent the time growing up some and that I was wrong to ask her not to do this thing.

Can you check your ego and put the other person first? Because if you can, you are ready for love. If you can't, then you better be emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, financially, physically, and every other way compatible so that you don't have conflicts. Because if it isn't love, you need seriously compatibility in all facets of your lives. If it is love - if you both love each other, then having that compatibility is sufficient. I don't think much of what passes for love actually is.

I don't think so. But again, although perhaps stated a bit differently this time, both people have to be ready, willing and able to love. My first sponsor (1978 - I'm in a twelve step program) told me that in order to find the perfect partner, you must become the perfect partner. We could debate the existence of a 'perfect' partner, but the idea is sound.

It seems everyone disagrees with me on this one but I firmly believe that love is love. There are a lot of people who would agree with the statement that God is love and yet I don't hear them talking about Unconditional God, God for one's child, etc. I've always found that curious.

Trust is not required for love to exist.

I think I understand what you are saying here... people are imperfect, and all of us display varying degrees of both selfishness and selflessness on a regular basis. You've heard the expression 'There's a little good in the worst of us and a little bad in the best of us'? It's like that. I would say that if someone shows you a significant sign that they love you - then they do...and any lapses are simply their ego presenting itself front and center.

Well, that has a spiritual answer and as I've already used the 'G' word once in this reply, I'm going to pass on furthering that explanation past 'spiritual'. I would be happy to PM you the unabridged answer if you were interested though. Nothing religious.

Love just happens..You can think you have control, but you don't really.

Unless by "romantic relationship" you mean something other than love. In which case, ignore my comment.

Haha well.

OK so thanks for your answers, I'd just have a couple of questions for clarifications.

Mind giving specifics on what she wanted to do? Just curious.

I'm not sure I was following you here - having what compatibility is sufficient? (When it's love by the definition you gave.) Do you mean, the compatibility in terms of the ability of both parties for offering this love? Regardless of e.g. intellectual compatibility?

What about cases where there are a lot of such lapses?

I'm not sure what else could be meant by it?

http://forums.psychcentral.com/creat...rentice-8.html
Post #78 - Chapter 30. There's a reason I put the scene in the book.

I'll be back in ten minutes and get to your questions on

No worries. Mind you I was young at the time... I drove 700 miles every Friday night after work to see my wife in prison for three hours on Saturday and Sunday afternoons and two and a half hours each evening. After Sunday nights visit, I would drive home 700 miles to go to work on Monday. He best friend on the inside had gotten out, gotten into a relationship and had a baby. Her friend couldn't visit because she was an ex-inmate but her boyfriend could and he could bring the baby who my wife was dying to see.

Because inmates were limited in the number of visits they could have every month, I would have to give up one of my beloved visits. I didn't want to.

If you are capable of love and your partner is capable of love, then you have all the compatibility you need. Love finds no sacrifice in doing for - you want to. Doing something for the person you love is a joy. So my wife's into horses and I am not - not even a little bit. But when she goes to the rodeo to barrel race who do you think is the biggest rodeo fan there? I want to go. That's a mundane example maybe, certainly there are bigger things, but marriage is a series of mundane moments with a smattering of starbursts. Changing diapers, doing dishes or laundry, etc. When you hear the baby cry, are you going to jump up before the baby wakes her or are you going to pretend you're asleep. As tired as you are, are you going to be happy to do so or are you going to resent the fact that you got up last time too.

How do you not love someone who you discover the next morning when you awaken, that they got up all four times and let you sleep? Not because they changed a diaper - but because they would rather give up their entire nights sleep then let it interfere with yours?

If their behavior is on self more often than it is on the one they are in a romantic relationship with - who do they love more?

I don't know...I guess I didn't understand your original post.

If you're in love then of course you are emotionally compatible.

OK thanks for giving your thoughts and for describing the specific situation.

Oh well I guess my question shifts then, lol.

Anyway, thanks for the input!

well more than emotional compatibility there is compatibility period. emotional is only one aspect of it. There are value systems and beliefs and other things. such as how one expresses love to another and/or expects to be loved. There are different types of expression and this is where the most important aspects of compatibility are.

If one is a kinesthetic person that loves and feels love by touch but the other person does not respond to this type of expression it can be a problem, especially if the non kinesthetic person actually has an aversion to too much touch. One person could be trying to care for the other by touch, hugs, snuggles etc but the other person does not feel loved but may be put off by it, it results in both partners feeling unloved. The touchy person will feel like they are being rejected too. This is just one example.

the other types of expression that I can think of on the fly here are giving and servicing. where one would be the type that shows love by showering with gifts and the other is one that expresses love by doing things for their partner.

I know there are probably more types of love expression but that's all I can think of right now.

Yes I heard of the five love languages but I wondered if there were more than just five because that theory seemed a bit oversimplified comparing it to real life.

Anyone have thoughts on this?

in my opinion I think the five supposed languages just describe the expressions of love in the most general way. I dunno if there are more but people likely have more than one way to express love but probably with a primary mode