Emotional compatibility

Is there such a thing in romantic relationships? Anything else you would say on this topic?

That is a good question. I have been learning a lot about the red flags of narcissism and I'm not sure that the issue of compatibility came up. What did come up was deal breakers. That would be a good list to have when you are dating. I hope that is useful.

I am more aware of compatibility on a needs scale. There is also the book on The Five Love Languages -Dr. Gary Chapman.
I agree about deal breakers. Awareness of red flags isn't limited to narcissism, in my experience.

Is there something specific that you have in mind when asking about emotional compatibility?

"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

That's right, the five love languages is a good book. I would also say screen yourself for codependency before getting in a relationship .

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Thanks!

What are these deal breakers?

What is this needs scale?

I don't find the five love languages all-encompassing enough but I can't put it into words what else may be there other than those five ones.

I also can't yet put into words what I was specifically thinking of with the emotional compatibility. But it's to do with those love languages (beyond those five ones), I think...?

Maybe if you write more about the needs scale or deal breakers or something I'll be able to identify this.

Sorry for sounding so vague. I'm just trying to figure out what was going wrong in my relationship before.

You have to determine your own deal breakers for yourself. That was what I learned.

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I forget specifically which site that I had discovered a needs list, I'm positive it was under one that specifically addresses marriages. Needs are relationship needs. Things such as to be valued, to be heard, to be understood(or sincerely attempted to understand), financial compatibility, intimacy(separate from sexual intimacy), companionship, and the list went on. It was about 2 pages. I printed it and stuck it in a journal. My T, at the time, suggested understanding my needs before embarking on another relationship, post-divorce.

Hope that clarifies?

"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

I won't be able to if I can't look at specifics. Thanks in any case

Can you find that again?

Also, I'm already seeing it'll contain a few vague words. What's companionship for example?

Lol about the last sentence... I can't understand them without experience that is also analyzed out properly. For that analysis, getting told about/reading up on specifics helps.

Companionship is important with relationships. It's about partnership. If a sense of feeling like a team is lacking in a relationship, resentment can grow.

I don't have access to my list at the moment. I went home from my session, that day, and did my research. We're talking back in '11 or '12.

I didn't want to find myself in another relationship vulnerable to being a doormat or frustrated with feeling like something was missing without being able to pinpoint why.

I also needed to step away from surface appearances and dig deeper.

Sorry that I can't provide links to any sites right now. It was a learning process and I spent a lot of time sorting through it.

Maybe, in your trying to understand what went afoul with your last relationship look at what you liked and didn't like? Grieving is tough.

"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

Ok, I learned about this on a youtube site called thrive after abuse, I can post the link for you,

That is the playlist 50 flags of a narcissist.

I also just started reading psychopath free, which lists 30 flags of a psychopath.

I can give you some examples of deal breakers that the channel hostess lists: adultery, addiction, drama, lying.

Is that useful?

Absolutely, my wife and I are emotionally compatible.

I'd be happy to discuss it further; do you have questions beyond the initial one?

That makes sense, I think. Now what I'm not sure about is, what does it depend on if it can feel like that way?

To make this clearer... I know what this is like in a friendship. But, when I was going out with a guy for a while (a year or so), it was not there. This was a while ago and it was pretty new stuff to me so I didn't really know how to put into words what was wrong or why, I just knew it was wrong. Then, I broke up with him, later we were able to be friends and there I had no problem with feeling like we were a team with stuff and we really were. Why the difference??!

I relate to the second part of this very much. (The underlined part.)

I can look at those things just fine but that does not make me understand better on its own since a lot of it was undefined, just a vague reaction or feeling that I know was not positive or not sure what it was a reaction to specifically. Even in the cases where I know, I don't know if the thing - say something the partner did NOT do - was something that could have been changed. Or is this just, either they are that way or not?

Thanks anyway

Thanks, yes, I think most of these you listed are obvious enough things to me. What is meant by drama here, the manipulative version that is produced so that the actual facts are not being paid attention to?

What is less obvious to me is the emotional compatibility thing...

Sometimes once the pressure of being a "couple" is released, that friendship base becomes obvious. I have come to realize that, that is where the old cliche of being friends first comes from. So often men and women put so much at stake in being a couple, the friendship becomes misplaced.
This aspect might tie into emotional compatibility? Can they hear it in your voice or see it in your face, if you're having a bad day or something is wrong? Is there sensitivity to that?

"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

Drama, well in this case we're dealing with an untreated cluster b PD (narcissism) . I think she has a video on that. I don't know how that relates to NPD necessarily but I have heard people say that they need people's emoting and affect to be really intense in order to feel them. That goes to say they could stir things up in order to get the stimulation they need. Does that make sense?

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People are emotionally compatible when the brains of the two people involved calculate both of them to be emotionally compatible.

You can't measure or quantify it. You can think about it. Don't disagree that it is not helpful. But in the end it is a subconscious process. You can only hope to lead your subconscious into the right direction by conscious effort. You can't consciously decide for your subconscious.

While related, I'm going to start a new thread on the issue of compatibility as to not hijack this one. There are a lot of similar themes but I'm afraid I expanded it too much to fit here well.

Sorry I had to go and couldn't respond to your earlier post. Can you write more on what constitutes emotional compatibility for you? How is it recognized? What does it look like? What emotional things does it directly depend on?

I noticed you did open that new thread and it does answer some of my questions except the last one. Let me know if that one makes no sense since I think I didn't put it the best way.

Also, how did you figure out it was worth pursuing her - or you just got lucky after getting together, finding that you two happened to be emotionally compatible?

Cool so how do you lead your subconscious in the right direction consciously? I'm not wishing to consciously force anything that's not there. Thanks a lot if you can provide some pointers!

That makes sense about putting too much stake in though I don't know if that was it in this case. Maybe, maybe not, no idea. But it's a thought I'll keep in mind for sure

Uhm, why are you asking about these specific examples? Why this kind of stuff specifically, I mean.

To answer, no idea if my ex's had this kind of sensitivity towards me and that on its own would not really be satisfying enough for sure. It's a nice thing to do to ask if I'm ok but if I have a problem that I want to talk about, I will anyway. So whatever I was missing so far was not this. Part of the answer I saw in yagr's thread but it still doesn't seem to be telling me everything.

Sorry if I sound so vague.

Yes I get that thanks. I'm not sure how this is always supposed to be a negative thing though. If it's really non-constructive stuff leading nowhere or if it's NPD etc then sure no good.

My questions were more rhetorical. Sorry for any confusion.



"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

No worries.

Well, if someone constantly pushes us over the edge because it makes them feel good to see us get upset, that's definitely a negative thing. That would be the "I don't do drama" thing.

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Which was: Love. Period.

Here is my pure unadulterated, uncensored, 'not search for the right words to make sure no one is going to be offended' answer:

The problem is that the word 'love' is about as charged a word, and open to interpretation word as 'God'. Nearly everyone has a different opinion about what love is and they know that their definition is the only one true way. So let me give you my thoughts on love - not to talk you into accepting my way of thinking, but so that you'll know where I'm coming from. Every poet and philosopher since time began has been trying to give a definition of love, so don't count on me to pull it off but here's some general thoughts...

I suggested in my thread that, "On the list of “What I want” you find that 'my partners joy' is at, or close to, the top of the list. When one's partner's joy is paramount to each of the people in a relationship, you are emotionally compatible. Her joy and happiness is literally my joy and happiness.

Imagine that you come home to the man you love and finding him sobbing uncontrollably on the couch. You drop your bags and run over to him asking what's wrong but he's literally choking on his tears and can't catch his breath long enough to speak. What is your priority right now? What would you give up to make his pain go away? Are you thinking about you in that moment - or is it all about him?

I think most people in a relationship are just thinking about their partner in that moment and would do almost anything to relieve their pain - and they call that love. Maybe they're right.

But consider this: I just watched the movie Southpaw with my wife tonight. A little girl who had just lost her mother to a stray bullet was screaming at her father, "I hate you! It should have been you that died!" If you're the dad right now, what is your priority? What would you give to make your daughter's pain go away? Do you want revenge for what she said to you? Do you want to make her feel as bad as she just made you feel? Probably not.

I think a good parent is just thinking about their child in that moment and would do almost anything to relieve their pain. That's love. And few people bring it to the table in an adult relationship. If we did, we might be willing to step out of ourselves long enough to realize that our partner not meeting our needs has nothing to do with us. All we'd see is someone we love hurting and want to help.

I knew the moment I laid eyes on her...but waited four hours to tell her that I was going to spend the rest of my life with her cause I didn't want to scare her off.

Anyway, I am exhausted and was on my way to sleep when I saw this. I wanted to try and answer before bed but now I'm concerned that I may not have been up to the task. I hope it made some kind of sense.