Endless circle of responsibility vs myself

I'm sick of everything right now. Sick and tired. I love my family but my God I also hate them. I'm turning 24 and my life as an adult has not even begun. I'm tied hands and feet to my parents and there's no solution. I live at home, I never go out, I don't have any friends and I can't even buy myself a new pair of socks or a real haircut. I haven't had my hair cut since 2010 and I cut it myself because I give away all my money to my parents.

I got my parents in the center, they need my help because no one else can. I help them with everything, the house, financially and I keep them company because they're both introverts and then so am I. I got my sister who moved away at 18, got a boyfriend, a baby and an apartment, an education, everything; she looks down at me, expects me to help my parents and get a life of my own.
And then my brother who doesn't care about anything. He doesn't get it.

I do have a boyfriend, but because my life is like this, I doubt it'll last.

I want to move out, to live like I'm supposed to do, to do all the things I missed out on in my teenage years. But I can't. Because I'm expected to lift up my parents and be a helpful good daughter AND to get a life of my own.

I hate it all, I hate it so much and I want to cry but I can't. I'm dealing with so much that I feel like I'm going to explode. I want to scream at my parents, but I can't. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT JUST SIT HERE AND WRITE ABOUT MY LIFE. I can't do anything.

My boyfriend won't wait forever, my time is running out and I'm wasting my young years. But I can't do anything about it. I can't say no to my family and leave them to rot here, I can't just say no to helping them out because I live here. It's and endless circle.

I just want to run away and never come back.

I'm so sorry you feel like this

I'm with you. Have you tried speaking with your boyfriend about this? I whish I had better advice

I think you need to put your foot down with your siblings. Get a social worker involved.

Correct me if I am wrong but Denmark has a lot of social programs, doesn't it? So your mom and dad are unlikely to starve? Plus if all you kids are at most early 20s, likely your mom and dad are still fairly young? (40s seems young to me). Do them and yourself a favor.

"Run" away from home. It will not get easier, the longer you wait. Tell your parents you and the boyfriend are moving in together and then do it. And get a real haircut.

Your parents are not doing this to you. Your siblings aren't doing this to you. You are doing this to yourself. You know that. I know you know it because the only reason I know it is that you just laid the truth out there.

You are clinging to your parents out of fear of venturing forth. Get honest with yourself. Yes, there are risks with striking out on your own. Some things will go wrong, if you do. But you'll survive those setbacks and get stronger and smarter. You know where this current arrangement is taking you - nowhere. So make a move. Age 24 is a good age to do it. Wait a couple more years and you'll never do it.

You can spend your life being bitter at everyone else . . . or not. You make the call. And don't wait for someone - like some guy - to pull you out of this. Women who do that end up back where they started - with some man taking the place of their parents.

You basically are an honest person. That's why you revealed as much of the truth as you did. I was an introvert . . . still am. I clung to my parents like they were my only real friends . . . . . because they were. Though I was the eldest, I was the last to leave the nest. I'm so glad I did. My first apartment was a tiny place with only one window in a poor neighborhood. My car battery got stolen twice from in front of where I lived. I washed my clothes in the kitchen sink to save money by not going to the laundromat. But there was a joy in my heart from having my own "domain." At times, I cried from loneliness, but it was no worse than the loneliness of being cooped up with my parents. And I found strength I didn't know I had. Nothing beats being mistress of your own fate. That's what I learned.

If you vanished from the earth tomorrow, your parents would adapt to your absence. Let them be responsible for themselves. That way you can learn to really love them again, instead of resenting them, as you do now.

Good luck.

Rose76, I wish I had met you and learnt this 30 years ago. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
OP - she is 110% right. Good luck to you.

I was 26 when I made that final move. My father wouldn't speak to me for months. On Father's day that year, he wouldn't even open the present I brought him. I disappointed his expectations.

He got over it. Had I stayed with my parents, I would never have gotten over it. I would have become more and more damaged.

Yes rose is right. You can always get your own place and be an introvert there. You need to find independence. I remember when I was your age, I lived alone and I was wild. I have regrets but at least I can say "been there, done that". Now I'm 29 and quite the introvert lately. I can't work right now because of my MI and I depend on my bf and only leave the house when I really need something. It's a crappy feeling to NEED someone at this age ya know? You deserve a life of your own and I'm sure if your parents ever needed help then your siblings would step up. I also know what it's like to be in the shadow of a younger sibling. My little sister is thriving in ways I never did and I'm the black sheep of the family. She too resents me and says nothing's wrong with me blah blah. I get it. You have an income... Can you move out?? Maybe look for financial programs for your parents like rose said and get yourself some therapy.

While I appreciate your advice, it's not that easy and no I'm not doing this to myself. I can't just leave and buy my own place because 1. I don't have a job, or enough money to get one. And it won't happen for another 3 years because I'm studying and get less than nothing in aid. The system won't and can't help me. I pay to live at home and on top of it, help my parents financially so that we actually have a home. Their problems are mine because I live here. I don't choose to help, I have to because hell will break lose if I don't.

If I stopped helping, I'd be directly responsible for the consequences; No food, no bills being paid, no water, no electricity, no house. They're only able to stay just above the water because of my help. And I'd destroy my relationship with my parents and be called "selfish" - so it's all on me and it's been like this for years.

Leaving is not an option. And I'm not doing it to myself because I fear leaving. I want to leave. I just can't because I live here and I'm not interested in being homeless.

But thank you for the advice. It just can't be applied to my situation.

My siblings can't and won't help. My big sister has a baby and her own life and as I mentioned, she expects me to help my parents and to get a life of my own. Whenever she comes home she always asks "you're still helping them right?" - I've had countless arguments and tried to point out that I couldn't possibly help AND save up to move out. She doesn't get it and get's mad when I tell her the things she won't hear. I have a very low income, and I can only pay for my transport to school and then give the rest to my parents. Whenever I have a bit of work or sell something, I give it to them. We've hit the bottom quite a few times but I "saved" us by selling something of my own.

Moving out, as stated above is just not possible. At least not for a few years until I get a real job after finishing my studies. There's no programs in Denmark, as the system has changed from being favorable to a punishment. I get the lowest amount because I live at home.

That makes sense about your conundrum living at home. What will happen with them, once you finish school and land a career?

I don't understand why your boyfriend isn't being understanding. Your being there is also about your finishing school. How does this create a rift?

Does your father have a job? Does your mother have a job? Maybe your parents need to sell their house and move into a small apartment that they can afford.

If you've decided that, while you're a student, living at home with the folks makes sense, then own that decision. What have you been doing since you were 17 or 18 years old? By "studying," do you mean you are enrolled in an academic program? Are you actually going to school? It's going to take you another 3 years to finish? So are you working on a doctorate degree - a PhD?

I'm not here to be your inquisitor. You don't have to answer any of these questions. I'm just trying to provoke you to think more rationally. You've painted a sketchy picture of your life, where you are being horribly victimized by the expectations of others. It doesn't add up.

If you want to come on a forum and tell a tale of woe that doesn't sound real, you can sure do that. But you do sound like a desperately unhappy young woman and PC members will feel concerned and genuinely want to help you form hope that you can build a better life for yourself. With the way you are thinking, your life won't be any better 3 years from now, or 13 years from now.

You are not the first son or daughter to decide to help out your parents financially. Here in America, I've known immigrants to this country who've deprived themselves of a lot to send money back to the families they left behind. From the time I was 16, my father expected me to pay toward my room and board. I paid him $200 a month - back when that was a lot more money than it is now. (That's partly why he was so mad when I moved out.)

On the one hand, you seem to say that, if you're going to live in this home with your parents, then you need to contribute to the household finances. On the other hand, you make it very clear that you deeply resent giving the money to your parents. Well - which is it? You think it's fair, or you think it's not fair? Do your parents have a right to expect a contribution from you, since you live there . . . or . . . are your parents exploiting you? Which is it? Because you are saying both of those things. Which is it? Or is it a little bit of both?

Are you doing what you basically have decided to do . . . or . . . are you doing what others expect of you that they have no right to expect? Which?

It's hard to break free if the obligation you feel to your parents. My dad has very poor eyesight and he's way to proud to ask for help. So I have to stay around the house to help him and drive him around. I honestly don't know what a normal life is since I've never had one and am not normal myself.

Personally I think we are all dealt a certain number of cards in our life and it's our choice how we play them.

I've been on this site for quite a while and written on here when I felt like life was getting too much, I've talked about my situation a fair few times as well. I'm in no way fabricating a story to gain sympathy as I don't even pity myself.

I don't know if you meet everyone with doubt and thinking their "tales of woe" are lies, but I actually don't blame you. No one believes me when I sketch up the past few years, thus no one wants to understand or listen.

I've never had the same chances as most, because in truth, my "young" years were wasted on an all-consuming depression and building the mask I wear every day. I'm not after sympathy though, this is just how it is and always have been and I've tried to change it but there's no exit to this room I'm in.

To answer your questions, yes both have a job but also a lot of debt they're struggling with and that's not due to irresponsibility, they've just had extremely bad luck. Sickness and death and family drama along with accidents has filled the past few years. As of right now, my grandma is dying and my mom is taking care of her and everything else and has little time for herself. Thus, more responsibility is dumped on me. There's no program or way for them to solve things, I'm the only one.

Yes, I have to contribute and yes it is expected of me. And my sister isn't the only one who does expect me to. Other family members have asked if I help and expect me to. I'm not the black sheep of the family, I'm just the go-to person when someone needs something. Be it my sister, brother, grandparents, or someone else, I'm expected to pay up.

I guess my biggest problem is saying no. But how does one say no to family? I see my family every day and I couldn't live with them if we didn't speak or if they were mad at me.

No, I'm not a special snowflake with a tragic backstory and again I'm not after sympathy. But I didn't "decide" this, which was my point from the start. I'm doing it against my own will and I'm not blind to what it'll leave me with. Nothing.

But I emphasize again, I live in this house with my parents and if there's no money, there's no food, no power, no water, nothing. And we cannot sell the house just like that.

This isn't excuses but fact and I guess after reading your replies, I can't ever expect people to understand and thus why I'm truly alone with this.

Yes, the answer is to just leave, but I can't do that. So I guess that's what it boils down to.

I know the reality of being stuck due to circumstance all too well.


Just wanted you to know I get it.





PM me if you want to chat one on one.

I was trapped financially in a bad marriage the last 13 years of the 33 years I was married to him.....I understand the financial issue & we couldn't sell the house because it was worth less than what we paid for it so I would have walked away from the marriage with absolutely nothing & no place to go & no money to even get into an apartment.

I get the problem you are dealing with.....but I was also available when the door opened to get out ASAP & I did & the freedom was an amazing feeling.....my depression & anxiety even got better & the trauma dealing with the home care person I went through caring for my mom the last few months of her life when she was dying of cancer even got better by leaving the whole location I lived in.....but I also had no family left at that point so I was free to leave my marriage that had been bad for so long.

I hope that a door opens for you to be able to escape. I know I would definitely be looking for one if I were you & ready to latch onto it if it does come along (I don't mean getting married to your BF to escape where you are either)......Honestly it sounds like you need some serious time to yourself to figure out who you really are without the who being tied to anyone else when you finally do get out of the situation you are in.

If your parents house is still worth more than what is owed on it, I think it would be a good idea for them to think about down sizing into something that fits their financial situation better. So often people want to hold onto what they have even when it makes absolutely no sense financially for emotional reasons, not logical ones. It's important for your parents to make wise decisions at this point in their life which will also ease the need for your support being given to them.

Yes, we can truly feel hate for the situation we are in & feel totally trapped in it without seeing a way out at the time being.....but we have to keep our eyes open & try to look for all the possible ways to cut back & to make whatever changes are possible (you & your parents) through logically analyzing the situation financially & logically to make wise decisions & to try to make even small changes now that will make big changes possible later on.

I am a little confused because in one post you say:
Then you say:
I am assuming that you passed with a certain grade & are right now in school studying. Will the results at the end of the 3 years of your studying end up having a financial increase for you? Are you just biding your time for these 3 years until you will end up more financially stable on your own? 3 years may seem like forever but honestly they do pass quickly especially if you are focused on doing an outstanding job on your schooling so that you can come out in a much better financial situation. I understand it doesn't make the now that much more tolerable, but it does provide HOPE for the future so that you will be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel......would be a good time for your parents to aim at getting out of the house they are in & down sizing to decrease their burden they are causing you & you can set it up as an end point in your living with them. You can then focus on yourself & your needs & give them from what you have left over if they still need help after they have helped themselves......3 years of planning should be enough for everyone to get goals worked through.

Nat92 - You're not hearing me. I don't disbelieve you. I accept that you have very little materially. I accept that you give your income (or most of it) to your parents. I accept that your parents are not in good circumstances. You absolutely do sound like a family in distress.

But answer me this: Would you do to a daughter of yours what your parents are doing to you? Do you think your parents are treating you fairly?

If your answer is "Yes," then why do you say that responsibility is being "dumped" on you?

Nat, pay attention because this is important. Nobody says stuff is being dumped on them, if they feel that a burden is being shared fairly.

You clearly do not feel you are being treated fairly. But you also say that your parents are being as fair as they possibly can be. Which is it? Are you being treated fairly . . . . OR . . . . are you being treated unfairly? Both those things cannot be simultaneously true.

Now, I do understand that it's very possible that this world and life in general may have been very unfair to your whole family. It may be that your parents, and your grandma and you, yourself, have all been given a raw deal by life in general.

But you didn't come on here to lament about how tough life can be. You are very obviously mad at someone. But that's where you start to do a dance. Your poor sister has a baby and "her own life," so what can she possibly do? Your poor mom has to take care of granny, so what more can she possibly do? Your poor parents have debts, but that's not their fault, poor things.

You heart is just bursting with understanding and compassion for everyone in the family, the poor things. Meanwhile, you are pissed as h£\\ at somebody. Do you hear what I'm saying?

I think you have denied yourself a right to your own feelings. You believe that, as a good person, you have to pity everyone else and not judge anyone for how they developed the problems they have. And, if they need help, well, then, by golly, you are only too glad to do what you possibly can to ease their difficulty. So that's what you are doing . . . . and that's what you believe you should be doing . . . and have to be doing. And so you're doing it, and you will keep doing what you can to help this family that you love so dearly, UNLESS . . . . . . . . one of these days you grab the biggest knife in the kitchen and slit everyone of their blood-suckin' throats.

Nat, whether you want it or not, you do have my sympathy . . . . . my heartfelt, sincerest sympathy. You are very depressed and that hurts. One theory holds that depression is anger turned inwards. I'm not sure that's always true, but I believe it is what's going on with you.

You are very angry, but when I ask you who you are angry at, basically, you say "Nobody." And that's just not true. But, if you feel angry, and you tell yourself that you have no right to be angry at anybody, then the anger just festers and starts to rot your insides.

I take care of my invalid boyfriend. Sometimes I'm just sick to death of doing it. He can't help being sick, but sometimes I get mad and think, "Well, it's not my fault he's sick." Sometimes, I just wish he'ld hurry up and die. Sometimes I'm mad and I snap at him for the least little thing. Sometimes I'm mad that he didn't work harder when he was young and save his money, so, at least he could give me something for all I'm doing. I don't have to do anything for him. But I'ld be lonely without him, so I'll care for his needs and keep him going as long as I can.

What I'm saying is that maybe I understand more than you realise.

Oh, like the poster above: When I left my parents home at age 26, my father said, "You are basically a selfish person." That still bothers me.