Wondering what's the best course of action

Hi all. Well, my current relationship looks like it hit rock bottom. All the emotional pains I deal with got to me. It's just that my boyfriend and I aren't the right people for each other, and sticking the wrong people together results in heartbreak for at least one of them.

A lot of the things he does inadvertently hurt me. He's happy with me, but he doesn't meet my needs. It's really unfair for both him and myself.

I just don't know how he could've been so happy so far!

I have a feeling that he found someone online, and that's why he's been so happy. Eh, I wouldn't be too surprised since he doesn't like to express his vulnerable feelings with me. I don't have proof though, so I can't go out and say it. I could be completely wrong, after all. But a lot of the warning signs are there. Lack of sex, a lot of time spent online, hiding in another room, making sure I don't hear his phone calls, texting someone a lot while keeping his phone turned away from me, hiding everything he does online, taking his phone to the bathroom and keeping it on him, spending a huge amount of time in the bathroom (without actually using the toilet), extra "protection" hidden away, etc. And I never snoop through anyone's stuff! Oh yeah, I found the protection because it was loosely hidden on a seat, which I saw when I walked into a room. He must've been only pretending that we "ran out."

Anyway, rather than be constantly paranoid, on top of not being satisfied in our relationship, I decided to just break up and move on. Seems like the right choice, right?

I gave him a silent treatment today in my fit of unrested feelings. He usually would be very upset about this and would want to talk it out immediately (which is what usually happens when I'm upset, than we make up and move on), but I had the very strong feeling that he thought I learned something new that caused it; basically I have a feeling that he thought I somehow found out about cheating, and he's been weirdly okay with it. Like he doesn't have to pretend he cares anymore, or that he can just let it go. It could also be something else. He cried a bit without saying anything, but didn't want to talk to me and seemed okay the rest of the time. He's very peaceful, and we've been going through the day like strangers. He's just talking to whoever he talks to. I haven't been mean or mad at him either, but in something like a trance.

So, he and I are both attending school. He's financially in a tougher spot than me right now. What I want to do is keep acting like the relationship is "real," unless he wants to end it, until school is over. Than I can ask him to move out then, so that he wasn't affected financially or that he schooling would be affected. Would anyone have any good advice on this? Of course, this would be very hard living like this with someone you once loved dearly. But, I do care about him and want him to finish up his school semester.

Oh yeah, also, how would I break up without him guilting me back into the relationship? When I mentioned break up in the past, he started angrily complaining about what I'm putting him through. It was almost scary. He also made me feel like everything was perfect and that I ruined everything.

It's only the beginning of the school year. Are you planning on living with him the whole school year and being broken up?

Until the end of the semester, which will be in another 3 months.

I'm sorry you've come to a such a sad juncture in your relationship. You may be quite right about everything you suspect. Still, you are doing a lot of surmising about what he is thinking. You don't sound paranoid to me. As I've said you may be correct. The pattern of behavior that you're describing sounds pretty fishy to me. But I think you are putting yourself under an intolerable amount of stress with the plan you describe: to just act like everything is normal, until the semester concludes.

I'm not saying to kick your boyfriend out tomorrow. It's generous of you to be willing to let him stay for the semester. If you really want to do that, then maybe that's okay. But I don't see how you can keep your sanity and do what you need to do at school or at work, while you feel he is just there for a roof over his head. At least, I think you need to put your misgivings out there. Not to get into an argument . . . just to let him know that you are this convinced that something is very wrong with the relationship. You could try to say, as calmly as you can manage, that you believe the two of you should separate in three months.

Like you say, you can't accuse someone of what you don't really know is true. But there are things you do know for sure. You do know that you don't trust him and that you don't believe he is fully committed to you. Regardless of what he is, or isn't, doing on line - he isn't bringing enough to the relationship to make you feel you want to continue it. That's reason enough to end it.

His crying is interesting. It sounds like there is a dependency imbalance. Where you're living is more your place than his. I'm basing that on you saying that you may ask him to leave when the semester is over. So where the two of you live is basically your apartment. That's what I mean by a dependency imbalance. He is dependent on you for a place to live. That's a bad situation. It gives him a motive to string you along, so as not to upset his applecart. Even you don't want to upset his applecart by not letting him stay the whole semester. You feel kind of responsible for his welfare, like he's someone you adopted.

I think that, when a man is willing to move in with a woman and basically live "under her roof," he's trying to recreate the security he had as a child with someone else providing for him. He's not wanting the responsibility of managing his own living arrangement. If he were, he'ld be sharing an apartment with some other guys going to his college. (That's actually a healthier thing for any college student - male or female - to be doing.) Then he'ld be free to "play the field," which may be what he wishes he were doing.

Whatever he is, or isn't, doing on line - he wasn't, and isn't, ready to make a mature commitment to you. He needs to grow up first. Part of that will involve him figuring out for himself how to have a place to live - without trading a pretend love commitment in exchange for some material security.

I'm not saying he was insincere when the two of you got together. He probably thought, then, that you were "the one" and this was it. When I was young, I thought that about a half a dozen guys - most of whose birthdays I can't remember now. I'ld be curious to know how long had the two of you dated before you began living together? You don't have to tell me. But the shorter the time was, the less of a chance this whole arrangement had of succeeding.

After he leaves living with you, he may jump right in to living with some other young woman. If that happens, thank your stars that you managed to severe the connection. A guy like that is perpetually in the market for someone to adopt him. Also, ask yourself why you are attracted to a man who does not come into the relationship as an equal partner.

Hi Rose. Yes, you're right. We actually ended up talking about everything and helped settled down the active volcano that was my head at the time.

We've been together almost 2 years. We waited about 1 1/2 before moving in together. Still, I understand that we could've waited longer.

Yeah, I can't jump to conclusions about him, and it's always best to talk about my assumptions first, I realize.

In our discussion, he did say he's trying really hard and putting his all. He says he needs so much time by himself because he gets really tired and anxious if he doesn't get time alone. I mean, that's fair.

I wonder if my fears were simply a long series of misunderstandings?

He also said that he has been trying to get us to do more together, too. Plus, he says that I'll sometimes be busy when he has free time.

He did say he's just playing games on his phone when he takes it to the bathroom. Still, that sounds strange, but maybe I should trust that he's telling the truth?

He did bring up that he's never done anything in the past to cause me doubt, pretty much. I've never found any evidence that he's cheated or anything. Maybe I'm worrying too much?

He said he's tired of lack of trust, and that he's really sad that I don't trust him yet when he gives me his full trust (and he does). He said he doesn't understand why I don't trust him. I told him why, but he explained everything.

I'm tired of putting the poor guy through this, too. Maybe he really has been a good guy, but just has been really needing time alone.

He says he values his privacy a lot, and that's why he hides things from me.

He explained the "protection" to me, too, and his explanation actually made sense. He apologized and said he understood why I'd think anything bad.

He said he doesn't want these fights to go on. He says that we fight a bit, talk about it, and by the next day I'm upset about something again. That's true; I often get mad at the small things he does that he already explained to me.

"Regardless of what he is, or isn't, doing on line - he isn't bringing enough to the relationship to make you feel you want to continue it. That's reason enough to end it."

Yes, I couldn't agree more with this.

He has been working his butt off to cover his end of the bills. He's just in a worse financial situation because he doesn't make as much money as me, effectively. And, he'd have to be the one to move out, due to his financial status. So, that'd be really hard on him, not to mention giving up classes. He actually had to trade off to a lower-paying job to live with me. He didn't have to move in with me, but he said he wanted to.

I feel okay with this relationship once again. But, I think I'll try to post here if anything goes sour. I might need the extra support if it backfires.

I did mention breakup in this discussion of ours several times, and he says he's willing to compromise.

He seems mostly upset that I keep hurting his feelings by assuming things about him.

He isn't your average person. It could be that he genuinely needs a lot of time alone. For one, I've never heard him talk about girls or their attractiveness to me or anyone else. I've been told that he does talk about me a lot compared to anyone else.

I wouldn't be surprised if he has a dependency on me of some sort, but maybe we could work it out.

The fact that I was at my last straw but he managed to talk it out with me gives me some hope. He didn't guilt trip me at all, probably because I brought up how worried I was that he guilt-tripped me before, so he did stick to his promise at least.

You're right about the last part. I haven't had time to yet, but it's time to see a therapist. I've been studying up, and I fear I may have codependency.

I'm confused about the part where he's really trying so hard to accommodate you and spend less time alone.


Where is he trying exactly, in his head?


Because from your posts none of his repeated promises to meet your needs have materialized...

Well what if a professor said that (s)he really needed time alone so (s)he is only lecturing for 30 minutes instead of an hour and only grading half of your submitted assignments? But (s)he still really want you to be in the class.

What if a supervisor said that (s)he really needed time alone and so the shop is closing early and your hours are cut in half? But (s)he still really wants you to work there.

Your boyfriend might "need" time alone, but nevertheless the result seems to be that you are getting maybe half of a relationship from him. But he really wants you to stay in the relationship.

He shuts you out behind closed doors and behind his strong desire for privacy.

Saying that he values privacy isn't an "explanation". It just says that he values keeping you out, but it doesn't explain why, and certainly it doesn't reveal what he wants to keep you away from.

Thank you two!

When it comes to what he's keeping me "out" from, I'm worried that I'm letting my suspicions get the best of me, than I get angry at him for things he probably never did.

Yeah, he does keep me out, but he thinks our relationship isn't unusual at all and this is what couples usually do. That couples spend some time together, even if the spend the rest of the day apart. He does spend a couple of hours with me a day on average, lately, doing stuff together, so that is an improvement, right?

I mean, could he really just need that much time alone? I don't want to throw him out of my life for needing more alone time than most people.

I'm not disagreeing with you both, though. I'd like to hear people's thoughts on these, because this is the logic to talk myself out of my anger.

Does an average boyfriend not keep his online life hidden to some extent from their girlfriends? He still will occasionally talk to me about things he sees online, but not very often.

I also wonder if he's spending a huge amount of time working, too.

I seem to recall that you posted previously that you hear him talking and laughing when shut into his room.

Am I correct in my recollection?

That's good that you two did some talking and airing out of these concerns you have. Doesn't sound like much of anything is resolved though.

He says he needs lots of time alone. I think he really needs to not be living with a girlfriend. He's not ready for that level of commitment. Moving in with you meant he had to switch to a lower paying job? So he made himself more financially insecure, so that he could have the security of living with you. As I said above, he sounds like a guy who would rather be taken care of, than take care of himself. Then he amuses himself with all kinds of on-line game playing. I really do think you've adopted a kid, rather than having found yourself a partner.

A year and a half of dating before moving in together was a respectable amount of time to have gotten to know something about one and other. Still, I think you would have done better to have just kept dating. It doesn't sound like he is mature enough to want this much commitment. Unfortunately, living with you may actually pose a roadblock in the way of his journey toward greater maturity.

It doesn't sound like the two of you are all that good for each other. You'll probably feel better for a little while, as a result of the talk the two of you had, and, then, you'll go right back to where you were at the beginning of this thread. That's not a very satisfying way to live.

@Bill: Yes, that's true. He talks with his friends usually every day.

@Rose76: I suppose that could be. I didn't know he lacked commitment since he and I both believed that him moving away to live with me was a big sign of commitment, and he's brought it up before to show how serious he is. Yeah, if he needs more time to gain maturity, I definitely don't want to hinder that. And the thing is, I want to feel like I'm more important, like I did when I lived alone. I want to work on bettering myself.

It's just, how am I supposed to explain that to him? He says that I'm not giving him a chance when I say I don't believe he'll change, when I bring up past behavior, and he gives examples of how he changed, and treats me like I'm being a bad person for not thinking he's "good enough."

He gets really upset and sad when he thinks I'm telling him he's not good enough.

He doesn't say I'm asking too much, but he seems to be upset that I don't understand that he needs that time alone.

When he's playing games with his friends, he doesn't let me join in or play, since he's worried that bringing in his girlfriend would make everyone uncomfortable.

Breezy-Day, I confess I am getting irritated with him.

So it is okay to exclude you and make you sad, because he has a "worry" that your presence will make others uncomfortable. I can certainly see how insulting and hurtful that would be to you.



So a significant proportion of the time that he supposedly needs to be shut away from socializing with you so as to not get "tired and anxious" he is actually socializing with others, presumably without getting tired or anxious. I can certainly see how this, too, would be insulting and hurtful.



Breezy-Day, you do not need to explain. You do not need his permission. You do not need to convince him.

If you are going to wait for the day in which he says "Yes, you're right, I don't treat you well when I shut you out, as I often do, and when I hide everything from you, as I always do, and when I am not helpful around the house, which is often the case, or when I withhold sex from you, which I typically do. I agree, you should leave me."--you'll be waiting for the rest of your life, or until he decides to leave you.

You don't have to explain yourself to him to his satisfaction. You can simply inform him that you have decided to leave--if/when you make that decision.

Breezy-Day, you have given him oodles of chances to change. You are the queen of second chances!

This strikes me as akin to his crying: his words and actions have the effect of making you feel bad, guilty, sorry for him, etc., so that you won't leave or try to change the relationship. Didn't you say that you have been reading about co-dependency? What have you learned so far?

Instead of changing himself, he finds ways to make you feel bad so you will stop insisting on change.

My suggestion is to think, say, and do what is best for you. If he gets upset or calls you names or tries to guilt you, so be it--stick to what is best for you.

As above: to me, this emotionality and guilt-tripping is his way of deflecting you from proceeding with what you may have decided is best for you.

Here is a mantra for you: I do not have to explain myself to him. Here is another one: I can leave without his permission.

This needing to have playtime with his friends - not adult social time that you both could participate in - but time to play games with his friends makes him sound very much still a boy. I think you've outgrown him.

It's starting to sound like you're the one who wants "out of the commitment," but you don't like being the one to abandon the relationship. You want to be the innocent party, the one who was "wronged." You want the break-up to be his fault.

Maybe that's not entirely fair. Maybe he's being the best he knows how to be, and it's just not enough for you anymore. Maybe it's you who made a mistake, thinking you could commit to this guy.

I think you need someone further along in the maturity process. Even though he will probably continue to mature, I have a feeling that he'll never catch up to you. You sound like a person with a serious, reflective mind. In some ways, I think you are old for your years . . . and always will be. You might be happier with a man who is at least a few years older than yourself.

It might be kindest for you to pull out the old, "No, it's not you; it's me." routine. It's not fair to tell him you'll leave, unless he changes. He is who he is, and he probably can't change. This is probably who he was when you two started living together. You thought, then, it was enough, and now you find it isn't. That's not something to really blame him for. The two of you were very young. I know it's easier said than done, but maybe this could be done as an amicable, no-fault "conscious uncoupling," to quote the movie stars. Just say to him, gently, "I think we made a mistake. This isn't working for me, and I don't think it's working for you. Either I'm going to be miserable, or I'm going to make you miserable. What I want in a partnership is different from what you want. It's okay for us not to be on the same page, but we can't build a life together on that." Better that you two go your separate ways now, before there's a child involved.

The trouble with living together is that it quickly comes to feel like being married. It is a kind of true "mating" when you live, eat and sleep together. So undoing it can feel just as traumatic as divorce. That's why I think this kind of trial relationship is emotionally dangerous. I would say that you probably shouldn't live with someone whom you aren't quite sure you would want to marry. Undoing the arrangement is likely to feel very hurtful to one of the parties. So, if he wants to guilt you about ending it, you may just have to eat that. Better to be big enough to shoulder some guilt now, than to drag things out and try to figure out how to "catch him" at something that will allow you to be "the woman wronged." It doesn't sound to me like your really want this young man anymore. No great crime there. You really don't owe him a whole lot. This doesn't have to be a contest of who can guilt who. Let it be that the two of you innocently made a mistake that can be unmade. Then, hopefully, you both go on with no deep hard feelings. Five years from now, you'll both probably look back, thinking it was good that you separated. You may each end up in happier circumstances.

Thanks, you two. I feel more courage.

Thank you Bill for your validation . I keep turning my back on my feelings because I'm on a seesaw of guilt. I do feel that way over those situations.

I can see what you mean, Rose76. I should say that I don't think I ever wanted to be the "innocent" party, per se. I just want both of us to be (eventually) on goods terms and for both him and I to be the "innocent" party. I really don't have anything against him. I'm just unhappy with our relationship. I do really like your advice on how to break up with him. I agree that it isn't his fault... he really is who he is, and he shouldn't be with someone who's secretly unhappy with him. That isn't fair. I still worry about him finishing up his school first, but like your previous advice, maybe I should bring up us separating after the semester.

Yeah, I can't just wait on him to change, since he may not want to, and wouldn't be happy to.

Hm, it might be a good idea to date someone older, eventually, after I've given myself time to myself and to better myself.

It could be much better for him, too.

I'll update you guys on how it goes. I'll think over it for a day or two.

Hi, just an update. It's been a while. Things are going better. A few melt-downs seem to have brought us closer together, and at some point we admitted that it's hard to deal with each other when we both feel hurt by one another.

I have the feeling now that my boyfriend is very sensitive, which seems to be underlying a lot of what he does. It comes out when we fight, for sure. Hiding in his room seems to be a way of hiding away from everyone. I've learned that he's been hiding in his room this way forever, even as a kid. He told me that talking to people over the internet is much easier than in person.

I'm still open to the idea that we might break up after the semester, but I feel a lot calmer about the idea.

Now when he spends so much time alone, I do the same. I'm starting to distance myself from him and trying to spend most of the day not thinking about him or checking texts. I'm trying to get my old life back now.

I don't know if it'll work out. But most of me really does want it to work out. That's why I keep fighting to be with him so much, even if I'm really hurt by what he does.

Oh yeah, he is doing chores now when I ask. Props to him.

I'm also doing less so that he has to. Like dishes, I won't do those as much.

He is talking more about getting a higher-paying job now, so I'll support him in his decision to do that.

I had multiple talks about why he wants to stay with me, and I gave him my answers for why I want to stay with him in return. He does have good reasons to stay with me. He says he can be more open with me than his guy friends, as well, which I admit is true.

I'll just pray for things, and try to not focus so much on the negative now, and try to enjoy my life. I can try to think more of the good times between him and I, for now.

I'm doing good in my schoolwork, and I'm focusing on that more. And my hobbies. If we drift apart in the process, or I'm still very upset, I'll have to break up.

Thank you so much for the update. ☺

(((((Breezy-Day)))))

Thanks, Breezy, glad to hear from you! Mid terms are now ending. Have some fun.