[ace333]

I have been with my guy for 8 years. Its both been good and bad. However within the last 6-8 months I've really wanted to breakup but can't find a way or time to tell him. I have been going back and forth on if it's something I want or if its just I'm stuck in extreme conflict and and anxiety. Big reasons for not wanting to be with him are, we still aren't married ( I CANT EVEN bring up the m word without it starting a fight), we still don't live together even though we see each other everyday. Extreme lack of sex life (once a month if I'm lucky). A lot of the things I thought we had in common in the beginning have really started to fizzle. I have brought these issues to him many many times and nothing gets resolved or talked about.
I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to the terrible year I have been having. I want he'd my dad suffer and eventually die from cancer early this year, had a surgery myself , been dealing with other medical issues that have yet to be resolved, and of course the everyday stresses of debt bills and having enough money for food. All these things have caused me to develop severe anxiety that will give me panic attacks out of no where. I do not take medicine at this time.
I have noticed at tines I do tend to take my anxiety and depression from these out on him but at the same time i feel like I'm stuck in the dead end of the relationship and life and I need a change. Can anyone offer some insight on what to say or do? Or should I wait things out longer ?

[Bill3]

I'm very sorry for the loss of your father.

You've given a lot of reasons to break up. What reasons (if any) do you have for staying with him?

[Rose76]

Eight years is long enough to wait for someone to get to where they can commit. What you want to keep waiting for is never going to happen, so give it up. You having a rough year gave your boyfriend lots of opportunities to be supportive. He didn't really step up, or you'ld feel better about him.

Your boyfriend has a right to be who he is . . . and probably can't be anything else. What he is doesn't match up with what you want in a relationship. Stop waiting for change.

So far, this relationship has been held together by you being the accomodating one. You're getting sick of that, and I don't blame you. He's reasonably content with the tacit understanding between you two that you will accomodate him. So he has no reason to want this to be over. Now, you want out, but you're waiting for him to be okay with that. Keep waiting, and all you'll get is older.

Start small, if you want. Next time he comes up with plans for the two of you, tell him you're unavailable. Like: "No, Honey, I won't be able to do that with you because I'll be real busy with something else. I have this drawyer full of stuff that I need to sort out." Just make yourself less and less available to fit into his agenda, and you'll be on your way to winding down this long, slow march to nowhere that he's been leading you on.

[healingme4me]

I think breakups are tougher when there's really no hard feelings, but there's really no future.

Sometimes life changing events are catalyst for other changes in life. Sorry to hear about your dad.

I can understand what you are saying about wondering about losing him while reevaluating your relationship. My divorce was finalized months after losing my mom. Her cancer was aggressive so the timeline from beginning to end was about the same. Losing a parent when younger places many things into a different perspective. Even relationships and friendships.

Wish I had answers or advice.

[Talthybius]

I usually like Rose advice. But that is so immature to do. To make up excuses to do less and then just let it fizzle out. That's almost as bad as starting to act so badly that the significant other will dump you.

They already have been bad in communicating. Your first reason for breaking up makes no sense to me. He hasn't brought up marriage. Have you? Maybe you are a very traditional person where the male has to kneel down with a ring and propose. I just don't like the concept where the female waits sheepishly for the male to propose in dramatic fashion. It's 2016. I don't know how you can bring up marriage, and it ends in a fight, and you stay together after that. That's so odd to me.

There's all these things you are fed up with and annoyed by. They are good reasons for breakup.

Since the way you tell the story, he knows exactly what you are dissatisfied about and he can't or won't be the person you think you want, you can just say: "I want to talk." and explain it is over and he should know why. You don't live together so there's no difficulty there. You just stop seeing one another completely after that talk. If there is still something to resolve, you can meet one another one more time. Then no contact.

I don't know why you would want to draw this out and get a lot of additional drama.

I also don't understand your 'I don't know how to break up'. You don't know how to break up? Or you are just too afraid to tell him? If so, why? Or you are too afraid to actually suffer through the breaking up?

[winter4me]

You could write a letter...and follow it up with a talk maybe...give him time to "digest" the break up & you space to say what you want...it doesn't have to be anyone's fault...

[Crazy Hitch]

I think you've been through a really challenging time, this year especially.

If you truly feel that it is time to part ways, then it's important that you work on some kind of strategy to let him know that it's over.

If it were me, personally, I'd let him know that if you guys can't even live together, then it will be over, per say. I'd put the ball in his court. If he's not prepared to contemplate the two of you living together as a couple after 8 years then I'd be done too.

[hannabee]

Hi Ace333,
I read some of your previous posts and it appears that you have been unhappy with this man for over 2 years. Why do you think you don't deserve to be happy and have a partner that values you. From what I read, he really sounds a bit self-centered and immature, yet he is in his 30's. Do you really think you can change him, I don't.

If in the back of your mind, you are thinking he will propose to you, or worse, move in with you WITHOUT the benefit of marriage, what will you have really accomplished?

You don't seem to be compatible and he doesn't sound like a man with character. You really do deserve happiness and you only have this one life.

Were it I, I'd tell immediately how unhappy you are and that you want a break. Then take the break!

You will meet someone else and you should now know what it is you don't want from a man and filter out the poor choices sooner.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Originally Posted by Talthybius

Or you are too afraid to actually suffer through the breaking up?

You've had a terribly traumatic and stressful year; breaking up with this guy will probably be traumatic and stressful, so make sure you don't launch into the breakup until you're confident that you've had sufficient time to recover and you're ready to take it on.

[ace333]

[QUOTE=Talthybius;5297887]I usually like Rose advice. But that is so immature to do. To make up excuses to do less and then just let it fizzle out. That's almost as bad as starting to act so badly that the significant other will dump you.

They already have been bad in communicating. Your first reason for breaking up makes no sense to me. He hasn't brought up marriage. Have you? Maybe you are a very traditional person where the male has to kneel down with a ring and propose. I just don't like the concept where the female waits sheepishly for the male to propose in dramatic fashion. It's 2016. I don't know how you can bring up marriage, and it ends in a fight, and you stay together after that. That's so odd to me.

To expand on this, each time its different sometimes I have asked for a simple yes would like to get married not even right this second but in the future or no you never do. I never get a straight yes or no, he's gets angry and defensive will say anything to change the subject , even say mean and awful things,but will never say Yea or no till
And everytime its the same thing any mention of the subject turns out the same. Unless its someone else asking like friends, then he just laughs and quickly changes the subject.

[ace333]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I'm very sorry for the loss of your father.

You've given a lot of reasons to break up. What reasons (if any) do you have for staying with him?

I'm not really sure other than living together and marriage I'd say we get along decently and have some things in common. I do love him a lot but its really not enough after 8 years.

[Moogieotter]

If you do break up, make sure you have friends or a positive group of people you can seek emotional support from. Isolating can be a bad sign for many of us w MI and other challenges.

Good Luck,

moogs

[Rose76]

Why do you want him to marry you? How do you think that would change anything?

[LeeeLeee]

Breaking up is hard to do... just like the song says. But it sounds like you might know what to say and since you've described so vividly. The reasons you gave are not so unreasonable. How you do it depends on how you think he'll react.

Most importantly is to be kind and respectful and compassionate as you can. And, be prepared to experience some complex emotions!

Here is a video of a gentleman I've been following.

Hugs, Lele