Second post regarding similar circumstances

I posted a long while back about an online friendship with someone I had met here on PC. We were pretty close for a long while and I felt at that time that each of us offered the other a strong support that we needed at the time.

In my real life, I have been friends with a girl at work for nearly 6 years. We, over the course of this time grew closer and closer and she stuck with me through some very difficult times and I considered her one of my closest friends. Very close. Thinking back now, I beleive I shared more with her then anyone on earth, other then my hubby. She meant alot.

When I moved to Texas from Virginia it hurt her alot (we will call her B. We kept in contact all the time. When I moved back to Virginia, I came back to the same job, same friends, etc. B and I picked up like I had never left, but this time, our relationship was more intense. More personal. But over the last 15 or so months since I have been back I have made some pretty drastic changes in my personal life, which essentially has effected my work life. Because B and I have a relationship that carries over from work to personal, as you can imagine things get intertwined and a bit messy. I guess I didn't help that part of my job was to supervise others and work closely with management. The fact that I have a knack for "gossip" and I have an overwelming need to have someone share in management knowledge with me before it's made public is a terrible character flaw that I have, but B was my sidekick and she always held every "behind the scenes secret" hidden in the vault. It was almost like telling my therapist where I am assured that the information I am sharing stays in the therapy session.

However after I left my position for a number of reasons, stress, my need to want more out of life ultimately led to the decision for me to leave my position to persue an endeavour I have thought about for a long time. Going back to school. Needless to say, the distance between is grew. We stopped calling eachother everyday, emailing. Since I was only working 2-3 days a week there, I barely even saw her there.

Recently I have been trying to call her and havent been able to get through. I leave messages, texts, etc and NOTHING. No response. So finally I tracked her down at work and she said that she would call me after work because she didnt feel comfortable with discussing this at work. Fair enough.

She calls me that evening talking in complete circles, saying that people are saying things to her that apparently I have said and she is upset that I would talk behind her back to anyone and that everyone at work is being mean to her and she is blaming me, etc. I was completely shocked by what she was saying, because first of all, I never said anything to anyone about her. I have no reason too. By the end of the conversation she had my crying, making me feel like a peice of %#@&#! and that I have been a horrible friend to her. She told me that she only did certain things because she was concerned about my anxiety, not because she really wanted to do the things. I was like. WTF?

So by the end of the conversation I agreed to grant her space and not speak with her at work or by phone.

She called me out of the blue tonight and honestly, I was pleasantly surpised to see her number on the caller ID. I greeted her pretty upbeat but then she started accusing me again of talking about her to others and discussing our previous phone conversation, she blamed me for the spam email she is receiving at work, she said that I needed to leave her alone and if I continued to do these things she was turning over my cell, my husbands cell, and everybody elses cell number to our boss to run a trace so everybody will just leave her alone.

Now, I know the last sentence didn't make a whole lotta sence and that is because, it doesnt make any sence. None of this makes any sence. Even more, by reading this you would think that I am 18 years old and fresdh outta high school because this whole thing is so juvenille. However, this loss of friendship is hard for me. She was like a sister to me. I shared things with her that I hadn't shared with anyone. I'm not one for friends. I am not the type to have 25 friends. I have 2-3 tops. Really close friends. It has always been that way for me.

Right now I am feeling alone and hurt. I am concerned for her hurting but at the same time I am angry that she is accusing me of rediculous things. What's worse, that she took this too the point of no return without even trying to talk about it, ask me about it, etc.

Another thing is that B is not well liked or thought of at work. Not that she is seen as horrible, but she is seen as overdramtic, mild side of paranoid, and she has a hard time articulating what she is trying to say. I also have a few personal concerns about her myself but I am not quite ready to share those yet.

I dunno, I feel better posting about it. Seeing it all down on paper (monitor). I have deleted her number from my cell and home numbers. I am thinking of having my home number and cell number changed as well. I'm a little freaked out by some of the things she was saying. She was being completly irrational.

I dunno what I am asking for here. I am just glad to post it all down and get it out.

thanks

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I know how bad these things can hurt. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Really, the only thing I can think of is that maybe she had some sort of a breakdown? Maybe she was already showing some symptoms of a mental illness and it finally hit full force? I don't know...

Maybe it would be a good idea to change your phone #s.

You haven't lost ME, Kiddo!

Poopiedust, you always have us here
xoxoxoxox
Wise-in-himer

((((((((((((((((((Mama and Wise-n-himer))))))))))))))))

Thank you for your posts. B does suffer from a mental illness and that was part of what I wasnt ready to post on yet but it did cross my mind that perhaps that has something to do with it. I am calling tomorrow about the phone number changes. I have to sleep on it.

I am thankful for you guys here at PC.

xoxoxo ((((((((((Wise-n-Himer)))))))))))

xoxoxo((((((((((((((Mama)))))))))))))))))

My first thought was the same as September's -- that your friend is having some kind of paranoid or mental break down.

Good luck with this. Relationships are complicated.

<font color="#000088">Yeah,I think September had a good point there. I agree with her post. I think changing your numbers would be a good idea. I'm sorry your friend hurt you like this, and that she may be hurting as well, and possibly can't control it. But it's still no reason to take it out on you!
Good luck with getting things resolved, phone#s,etc..! </font>

Mama, Wise-n-himer ; ), Wants and Justice,

Thank you for your posts. I began the process of getting my home and cell numbers changed yesterday and all is completed today. I know that this was a necessary action, at least for me it was. However, I got an email from her this morning, with the subject line that read " I was wrong". I stared at it for a minute. I was deciding if I should read or delete it. The whole situation has been leaving me very, very unsettled. I did decide to read it because my curiousity kills me everytime. In the letter she basically wrote that she sorry that she has blamed me for everything, because she knows that it is not true. She said she is feeling very empty and angry and she is spending a great deal of her time crying. She feels that our relationship is "unhealthy" but by the same tokken, she misses me and wished she knew how to fix it.

The thing is, the tone of her voice on the phone the other night was something I never heard out of her before. It's almost like I dont even know her anymore. The friend that I knew was not capable of hatred. All this has happened in a matter of a few days and I just don't know how to handle it.

I didnt reply to her right away because I am afraid to say anything because it might make matters worse. Anyhow, I just replied back and this is what I had to say:

"I'm not quite sure how to respond. I am very confused over the whole situation right now. I spent a great deal of time Wednesday evening going over in my head and trying to make sense of the situation and I really couldn't. I don't know where to begin so I won't even try right now. I just can't. The XXXXXX that I know, or thought I knew would have never conveyed hatred towards me because she is not capable of doing so. I don't know you anymore XXXXXX and that too leaves me feeling very, very empty inside because my friend XXXXXX completed the other half of me. I obviously have done something to hurt and offend you and I have never intended to hurt you, ever. I just thought the extent and complex level that our friendship consists of would always have assured you that we could talk about anything with eachother, because we were my very best friends. Ya know? I would never call our friendship unhealthy, but that is ok that you do because that is how you feel about it and your feelings are never wrong. I'm afraid to say anything else right now because I know that you are hurting so I won't say anything else, except that I miss you too.

Thanks for listening back,

Jen"

My mind went completely blank and that was the best I could come up with. I don't really know what else to say.

Thanks again for listening to my rants.

I had a friend who basically is a good person -- but she has no empathy for the times when I am financially in crisis. The first time, I was moving, so I just let the relatinship go. The second time, she let loose with a letter than was critical and I cut off contact with her.

After a few years she wrote; I wrote back; we have traded perspectives and gained closure. But closure it shall be.

Our friendship works best when we can be dysfunctional together. So I cannot go back to it.

I suggest that you take your time deciding how to respond -- as long a time as necessary, even years. Your first priority is to take care of yourself. If you need to send a note right away to express concern for her situation, keep it very brief. "I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I'm not able to be a good friend to you right now. I wish you all the best finding the strength and support and you need." Something along those lines.

My very humble opinion is that trying to straighten things out when both of you are upset and have no perspective on what occurred will only create more messiness. But that is just the opinion of one person, with no therapeutic background, who is not very successfully at establishing nurturing friendships.