[shakespeare47]

Based on my behavior with my in-laws, it appears I believe I must always get along with them, and have decent conversations with them, despite the fact that we see the world in vastly different ways. I also seem to think that there is no way to get past our differences and the mistakes each has made in the past (regarding the ways we have communicated to each other).

I also seem to be operating under the belief that the status quo is unbearable.

Do they live nearby? Can you limit your interactions with them? What does your partner say about the family dynamics?

[TishaBuv]

A friend of mine has a great saying I adopted, "I used to tell people they were full of BS, now I say 'that's amazing', and they like me much better".

[shakespeare47]

They live over an hour away. I have limited my interactions with them, to my wife's chagrin (I refused to go to see them on a few holidays). We did go to a wedding last Saturday, and it went pretty well. I'm going to try and start engaging with them again, to see if I at least can understand their reasoning.

One of my biggest problems in the past (I think... ) has been to tell my wife about my complaints regarding her family. I think it may be beneficial to keep those complaints to myself. I've been trying lately, to make as few judgments as possible (about anything), and it's been helping me lead a more satisfying life.

For example, if I'm with a person who eats messily, I merely think, "that guy makes a mess when he eats", without making any other judgments.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

A friend of mine has a great saying I adopted, "I used to tell people they were full of BS, now I say 'that's amazing', and they like me much better".

That reminds me of Albert Ellis..... he suggests that conversation with people you don't like can be beneficial. When they say "black is actually white", you can sit there and think to yourself "wow, I guess I never thought of it that way, I guess black is actually white", and let them know you understand what they're saying. (of course, no matter their reasoning, you still actually understand that black is actually black, and not white).

[Refuse2Sink]

I understand your plight. I run into the same issues with my own mother. We are completely opposite in the way we think and our beliefs. I just told my mother that there are certain things I do not want to discuss with her because she gets so angry when I disagree, as sit there in disbelief that I actually came out of someone so close minded and rigid. It makes for a bad time when we are together.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[shakespeare47]

Another irrational belief I have is that I cannot stand it when people gossip about me, and then that gossip gets back to me.

I've been in enough situations to know that I can actually stand it.

It would be nice to live in a society in which people deal with each other in a rational way... it's disappointing that I'm not living in such a society.

[shakespeare47]

Here's another crazy belief... No one must ever attempt to "get my goat". If they do, it's unbearable. If they attempt to "get my goat" and I feel any emotion at all, then it's unbearable.

I must not be subjected to people attempting to get my goat.... and if they do, then I must not feel any emotional response.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

Based on my behavior with my in-laws, it appears I believe I must always get along with them, and have decent conversations with them, despite the fact that we see the world in vastly different ways. I also seem to think that there is no way to get past our differences and the mistakes each has made in the past (regarding the ways we have communicated to each other).

I also seem to be operating under the belief that the status quo is unbearable.

You are not married to your in laws, only your spouse. heck if you don't get along with your blood relatives you don't have to be involved with them, how much less in laws?

You may need to be respectful and courteous when the situation forces it on you but you can minimize the amount that happens. being respectful and courteous does not mean you have to like them or agree with them. But respect the fact that your views are different. I have many friends that I disagree vastly on certain subjects but we just don't talk about those things.

[Rose76]

I agree with the poster above about staying courteous and respectful. I tend to forget that, myself, when people get my goat, and I always regret it later. It's good to maintain a peaceful exterior, but that doesn't mean you are a passive receptacle to everything others want to throw at you. Minimizing how much time and attention you give these people might help your state of mind.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

Here's another crazy belief... No one must ever attempt to "get my goat". If they do, it's unbearable. If they attempt to "get my goat" and I feel any emotion at all, then it's unbearable.

I must not be subjected to people attempting to get my goat.... and if they do, then I must not feel any emotional response.

this one is interesting because if it's a belief you've set yourself up for failure. No matter where you go, if you want to interact in society you will find those that will try to get a rise out of you or get your goat. there is no avoiding it.

Instead, I'd focus on your reaction to it. Is it really unbearable or is it just the word you use to describe the discomfort and anger that rises up in you when people do get a reaction? I myself have never actually suffered a debilitating blow by someone that was trolling me in real life or online. sure I've been pretty fired up about it and lost my cool more than a few times but for the most part, having gotten away from the situation I end up merely with a story to tell about that time when some guy/gal really enraged me and we got into an argument.

Most people that are intentionally trying to get to you, do it not to attack you but someone generically who seems to be an easy target. dont' take it personally but see through it as that they have a need to see others upset and it makes them feel like they have some "power" over you. don't let them have that power over you. let it roll off your back. easier said than done but that does not mean it's not something we shouldn't work on.

[shakespeare47]

Yes, s4ndm4n2006, you are right. I do have crazy beliefs. Must language is crazy language.

The reality is that people will do the things that they think are right to do. It's crazy to think we can censure them. And in my heart of hearts, I don't want to censure them. I do acknowledge these crazy beliefs of mine that pop up from time to time.

[avlady]

i guess its up to you if you want to associate with them, they probably are not productive to be around although.

[s4ndm4n2006]

I wasn't implying you should censure them at all and that everyone does what they think is right isn't entirely true either. there really are those that thrive on making people upset or start an argument. I'm not talking about the other people like us that will at times just plain disagree on certain things. I mean those that really get entertainment value out of upsetting you or me. Those are the ones I mean you should learn not to take personally because frankly if they don't get your goat, they will move onto the next target, a person that is not guarded for such things. They'll keep trying til they find someone they can do this to.

[jimmy rich]

y When I entered therapy, a top priority was to change my beliefs from bad to at least acceptable.

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

Based on my behavior with my in-laws, it appears I believe I must always get along with them, and have decent conversations with them, despite the fact that we see the world in vastly different ways.

In my studies, that belief could be changed to "I must be as polite and civil as possible, even if I DO NOT get along with them". IMO, getting along is a different matter than just being polite and civil. If I find I cannot get along with some family member (which is happening right now), I just won't communicate with them at all! But if an accidental meeting should happen (like in the mall or at a store), I'd still be POLITE.

I also seem to think that there is no way to get past our differences and the mistakes each has made in the past (regarding the ways we have communicated to each other).

I'd still want to at least be polite and courteous regardless of the "differences" and "mistakes" (unless they are just too serious to ignore!)

I also seem to be operating under the belief that the status quo is unbearable.

Learning to make the "unbearable" bearable was the whole purpose of therapy so now, when something is "unbearable" I use a variety of coping skills to make it bearable - for myself at least. These coping skills often involve new and better BELIEFS.

Another irrational belief I have is that I cannot stand it when people gossip about me, and then that gossip gets back to me.

My new and improved belief about this is that I can stand the gossip and will NOT let it ruin my day. It's nothing more than using healthy self respect to disarm the pain and humiliation (also a pain) of their gossip.

It would be nice to live in a society in which people deal with each other in a rational way... it's disappointing that I'm not living in such a society.

My new beliefs say that I can and will HANDLE my disappointments.

They live over an hour away. I have limited my interactions with them, to my wife's chagrin (I refused to go to see them on a few holidays).

I was lucky to have a wife (she just passed) with whom I could communicate so whatever "issues" came up with her family were quickly and easily worked out by us. She was very open to discussions and reasonable solutions. Having an open, friendly partner is very important, IMO.

We did go to a wedding last Saturday, and it went pretty well. I'm going to try and start engaging with them again, to see if I at least can understand their reasoning.

I sure wouldn't bother figuring out some other person's "reasoning" (other than my late wife's) but would rely on common sense and good will to deal with them as politely as possible.

One of my biggest problems in the past (I think... ) has been to tell my wife about my complaints regarding her family. I think it may be beneficial to keep those complaints to myself.

IMO, it is disastrous to have a partner that one cannot or dare not be open with. I was free to tell my late wife ANYTHING and she did not become defensive or upset about it.

I've been trying lately, to make as few judgments as possible (about anything), and it's been helping me lead a more satisfying life. For example, if I'm with a person who eats messily, I merely think, "that guy makes a mess when he eats", without making any other judgments.

IMO, the belief that we don't need to judge others is the best one of all.

Here's another crazy belief... No one must ever attempt to "get my goat". If they do, it's unbearable. If they attempt to "get my goat" and I feel any emotion at all, then it's unbearable.

And then I'd move to the new belief: If it's unbearable, I'LL HANDLE IT!

I must not be subjected to people attempting to get my goat.... and if they do, then I must not feel any emotional response.

My belief is that, If I do feel some emotional response, I can and will deal with my response the best I can but NOT ignore or suppress it - for whatever reason or need. I was taught to "feel what you feel. - just don't over-react to or suppress it." Learning to do that was very difficult and often still is but way better than loosing it whenever some "gets my goat".
Good luck with those beliefs and Albert Ellis - he has good ideas, IMO.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by jimmy rich

In my studies, that belief could be changed to "I must be as polite and civil as possible, even if I DO NOT get along with them". IMO, getting along is a different matter than just being polite and civil. If I find I cannot get along with some family member (which is happening right now), I just won't communicate with them at all! But if an accidental meeting should happen (like in the mall or at a store), I'd still be POLITE.

The hardest part for me is that I'd rather not communicate with them, but for the sake of peace in our marriage, I will probably need to see them at holidays.

And honestly, I can admit that they probably have good reasons to be angry with me, and I finding that difficult to deal with, as well.

[shakespeare47]

All right... here's the most recent one....

I have an aunt that I must not be around. Every time I'm around her she pushes my buttons. She speaks to me in ways that are intolerable. She brings up topics that must not be brought up. People tell her things they must not tell her, and then she brings up those things that must be kept private and must remain unknown to her.

And I spend a lot of time thinking about the above, and what I will do about it the next time I happen to see her. And the fact that I spend so much time thinking about her is intolerable. I must be able to handle this, and I must not ever be overwhelmed by the situation.

[TishaBuv]

Can you laugh at yourself? Has anyone ever played a practical joke on you, and if so, how did you react?

[shakespeare47]

I refuse to respond because I plead the fifth.

It's none of anyone's business if I just sit there looking dumb while everyone laughs at me. And if I were to spend several days wondering why in the world people would lie to me in that manner? that's my business- and I would never reveal that info to anyone... especially not publicly.



People must not play practical jokes. When they do, it's because they don't realize they're lying. People must not lie, even if it's to play a practical joke. Practical jokes are intolerably painful.

I repeat: People must not play practical jokes on me.

If people do play practical jokes on me, it is so embarrassing that I WILL Die. (maybe not right then... but probably at some point in the future).

(seriously.. I don't like practical jokes. But, I can laugh at myself.);

[TishaBuv]

That's something people who care about you should respect. But you should tell them, so they know. You should probably avoid hanging out with people who have that kind of sense of humor.

We had a friend who was a comedian. He played a practical joke on my mother. He just couldn't resist setting her up because she is so dramatic and excitable. Luckily she saw the humor in it and took it like a champ. Yes, it's lying and playing on someone's emotions.

[shakespeare47]

I'd say that this sums up most of my MUSTS:

1. I must do well and win the approval of others for my performances or else I am no good.
2. Other people must treat me considerately, fairly and kindly, and in exactly the way I want them to treat me. If they don't, they are no good and they deserve to be condemned and punished.
3. I must get what I want, when I want it; and I must not get what I don't want. It's terrible if I don't get what I want, and I can't stand it.

[TishaBuv]

1. If others did not approve my performance that doesn't mean my performance was 'no good', it just means those others did not like it. Who the H are they, the Academy?

2. Other people treated me poorly. Did I warrant their respect? Did I hold some power over them where their not respecting me holds a penalty of punishment that I can dole out? Did they have the choice to respect me or not? Does their lack of manners have anything to do with me?

3. If I don't get what I want what will I do?

[shakespeare47]

I'm making a sincere attempt to be as brutally honest with myself as possible. And I like to ask other people what they would do, if they could imagine themselves in my position... and to get their input.

Suffice it to say... "yes", I do need to dispute my beliefs.

I've actually survived and endured a lot in my life. And the evidence suggests I will continue to do so. But, I still like to think through these issues, in order to keep up my stamina.

From time to time, life even looks enjoyable, and I have some well-deserved self-respect.

The last couple of months, I came across what some call a spiritual practice. It entails enjoying the moment. Any moment... If done correctly, that enjoyable moment can last for quite a while. It may sound silly, but THIS moment is the only time any of us can truly be happy. And there is literally nothing that can keep one from enjoying it.

The goal of all this self-analysis is to enjoy life. To truly flourish as a human being.

[TishaBuv]

Your post made me think of something funny. I made a short film that was my worst performance ever because of the student director and the script (otherwise, I'm usually a pretty good actress). Even though the performance was undeniably bad, the film ended up being quite popular because of other reasons that are really unbelievable (I wish I could explain more). So even bad can lead to kinda wonderful.

[shakespeare47]

Here are some more crazy beliefs....

I must always feel good about myself. I must not ever notice flaws that I want corrected. Any flaws I do notice must be easy to correct, and people must not notice those flaws while I'm in the process of correcting them. People must acknowledge that I'm the type of person who recognizes his own flaws and attempts to correct them, and people must acknowledge that that is the best way to deal with one's flaws.