[Irine]

Simple and normal is a ways to go. not being depdent. even if i am dissapointed!
even if i don`t get a reply i wanted so much!

judgin myself , my feelings and feeling stupid becasue of it will only make things worse.

so i had this stupid habbit of mine again
ho God i hope i WILL NEVER get to RAVE SO MUCH in a relatioship again!
especially if it`s JUST AN ONLINE contact.
so i know this guy only from year of positng on a msg board, from reading his journal that he has been positng on for 4 years now, and a few emails.

i have a sort of imaginary crush on him. but it`s ONLY imaginary! i don`t know this guys for real. nobody is perfect.
althoguth i have been day dreaming about it for a long itme. staring at his pics....imagening stuff....

AND I HAVE MY LIFE, AND IT`S WAY MORE INTERESITNG!
my life has MUCH MORE to it than just this contact with that guy.

maye i shoudln`t try to make this contact any more.
it has a negative influence on me! see how it happenes!
i was just SO dissapointed he hasn`t asnwered yet, becasue i thought that after emailing about 5 timesi can be with him really good online friends.

everything is temporary. and the future has endless possiblities. maybe we will have more contact in the future. maybe he is vain. maybe he thiks so highly about himself. maybe too much. maybe he places himself in his mind "above" the other person subconciously ...although he writes agains it.

well. that`s what i say.
anyways aren`t all feelings temporary?
both pleasant and unpleasant.

i feel better. i need to fo get about him. i want to reduce the time i think of him. to relax and go on with my LIFE!!!!!!!

don't beat yourself up. don't be hard upon yourself. we all do stuff that we want to bang our heads against the wall for....but if we bang very much, we're be in a deeper jam that we already are.....being nuts..........

if you want to talk, PM me. xoxoxo pat

[Irine]

thank you ! you are so nice!
and yes, i knwo that. like i said:
judgin myself , my feelings and feeling stupid becasue of it will only make things worse.

so i don`t do it. i just post here to make htins MORE REALY to me!

[Direction]

Agree with pat...

Remember, we really don't now one way or another about what he is feeling...

[Irine]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Direction said:

Remember, we really don't now one way or another about what he is feeling...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

yes. the point is..what MATTERS, is how I FEEL
and i know i can CHANGE the way y feel.
that`s why i posted it yesterday. after posting it i felt WAY better.
i also know that my negative feelings - I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM not him! and thus i have the control over myself, to be balaned and comfortable.

it`s just so %#@&#! dissapointing when you are in the climax of the conversation and are left with no answeres.

but i feel better. especially today. i am back ot my old self.

[Direction]

I'm glad YOU are feeling better today...

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Lady M --

The thing I have been learning for the past few years is that (a) I have a right to my feelings (b) feelings are not necessarily reasonable (c) I do not have a right to do crazy things as a result of my feelings (d) it's better to acknowledge feelings, live them, and go on than to suppress them.

They can and will return, lessening in intensity as they recur.

You cannot change your feelings to this man. His online persona may be imaginary, but your feelings are not. I'll bet almost everyone has fallen at least a little bit in love with a character in a movie and fantasized about a relationship with that character. Some people, as a result of this, imagine that the actor IS the same person as the character. In the extreme, they act out that fantasy in bizarre ways.

I'm sorry you have some feelings that are not pleasant. Unfortunately, this seems to be the fate of us humans. Sometimes we have pleasant feelings; sometimes, less pleasant ones. I guess we wouldn't be able to recognize pleasure if we didn't have pain at least once in a while.

[Irine]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Wants2Fly said:
Hi Lady M --

His online persona may be imaginary, but your feelings are not.
.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

THAT TRUE
what a great perception!
but-you seem as if you say that the fact i feel better is an illussion?

you see, when positng this and afterwards writing that lyric, i felt like i...get on my feet and just...go back ot my old self who is...damn don`t know the word in English. let`s say i am Aries and i have a pair of good, hard horns!
i am more independedt and i am opn my own. today i lalready thoguht less about him and more about myself.

yes i do have him on my mind sometimes, but i don`t feel it THAT hard on me..that crazy.

ha! i know myself. i am able to get to a point wherei want not by denying the feelings, but by "braiwashing" myslef and deciding...and doing what i have to do to mentally servive. that means that if right now i need to be angry and lift my chin- i will do it. if i ned to let go of control= i will do it. it just a..i think it something that comes to the oposit feeling . and then there is balance..

you don`t want to know what fantzsys i had about him! (my God how do i spell it? )
they just..wel....ahumm..looking just looking at his face...i imagie i was kissing him....and...it was crazy.
he was SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.
today i had some of that in my imaginaiton but it already wasn`t so sweet. i didn`t enjoy it that much.
let`s say -if then i could enjoy thos feeligs and imaginaiton-then now i can enjoy myself, and my freedom.

maybe one far day i will learn what is true love.

[Irine]

I won`t let it upset me
Seems like i`m a bit angry
Because i thoguht you would reply
You did not-i almost cried

Maybe you will
I don`t say you won`t
With God`s help you will
But it`s NOT all i want
Out of my life!

Life is so interesting
every day is diferent
something new i understand
too much time i have spent
Laying on my bed
With you in my head
There`s too much noise there, in my head
Too much noise in my head

I need to forget you
Reduce the number of thoguhts about you
I have my own life
Just like you have yours
And depending on your answer
Is a waste of time!

Wasting my nerves, my thoghts, my feelings, my tears, my pain, my breath, my heartbeat - on you...
Ha! you`re not worth it!
NOBODY IS

All the love i had for you
Was in my imaginaiton
Then i said - who gives a %#@&#!?
It`s my imagination

Thank you God, i had enough.
Now I am fine
Now I know better than..
Forgetting all that`s mine