[thought_pool]

I've known my boyfriend for about 5 years and we've been in a committed relationship for 2.
I love him more than anything and I know he's the one for me. I know how cliche it sounds but this is the first time I've actually felt this to be true love in my life.
Every aspect of our relationship flows smoothly except for well, kids.
I know for a fact I want atleast 1 child. I've always wanted kids.
My boyfriend... not so much.
I really want to blame it on his age (he's 26) and where he's at in life at the moment (bartender making good money, in a band, likes traveling but can't decide on a career to pursue) and maybe I'm right.
I also know it's unfair to expect someone to change their mind just to satisfy your wants.
The idea of things not working out between us in the future because of this scares me...
What if he really never wants kids... what'll happen to me?
What'll happen to our marriage???

At the same time, I'm only 22 and I feel I shouldn't be worrying about something that doesn't affect me as of right now. But I know this will affect my future..
I'm in an ongoing battle with my mind and I can't talk to him about this cause he never says anything.
I need some insight. I need support.
I'm so nervous about our future.

[Molinit]

I think any further time you spend with him will be wasted if you are looking to find someone to eventually have children with. I'd move on and tell him why. It's very doubtful he's going to change his mind.

[Bill3]

To me, the fact that you cannot speak to him about it is in itself a major concern. Thonk about what sort of marriage it will be when you cannot speak about something that is near and dear to your heart.

It sounds like you would miss having kids with your entire heart. But you would have him. So therefore i ask: What do you love about him?

Originally Posted by Bill3

To me, the fact that you cannot speak to him about it is in itself a major concern. Thonk about what sort of marriage it will be when you cannot speak about something that is near and dear to your heart.

I agree. I think it would be a waste of your precious time and emotions to continue to pursue a longterm commited relationship with him. I realise it would pain you greatly to withdraw. This is what you need to do: sit him down and have a two way conversation about what constitutes a 'deal breaker' for each of you. You never know, he might feel strongly enough about you that he would be willing to concede. I have to give him credit though for voicing his opinion before the relationship goes further. I suggest then you do the same. Yes, it will take courage; but, it is a neccesary thing you must do. The above poster mentioned the importance of being able to do this; that being unable to talk about important things is not the ideal pattern for a longterm relationship.

[Bill3]

You never know, he might feel strongly enough about you that he would be willing to concede.

If he were to concede this point, it would require enormous trust to accept him at his word. A person could string along his/her partner for years, always having reasons that the time was not right for children, and then, many years later, state that it was too late.

I suggest that OP consider the following: When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

[MickeyCheeky]

Yeah.. if having kids is so important for you, then.. you should talk with him about this.

I'm sorry

[TishaBuv]

You need to have the 'we need to talk' talk. Find out if and why he never wants kids, or just doesn't want kids yet. He will tell you the truth, and believe him.

I wouldn't force the point of me wanting kids with a man who really didn't want them.

I feel for your dilemma. If he's the love of your life, you have to sacrifice having kids to be with him. If you leave him to find someone new who does want kids, will you always feel like he was the true love of your life?

If he loves you so much, why would he be so opposed to ever having kids? Something doesn't make sense there. Maybe he just doesn't want them until later, which makes sense.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by thought_pool

I've known my boyfriend for about 5 years and we've been in a committed relationship for 2.
I love him more than anything and I know he's the one for me. I know how cliche it sounds but this is the first time I've actually felt this to be true love in my life.
Every aspect of our relationship flows smoothly except for well, kids.
I know for a fact I want atleast 1 child. I've always wanted kids.
My boyfriend... not so much.
I really want to blame it on his age (he's 26) and where he's at in life at the moment (bartender making good money, in a band, likes traveling but can't decide on a career to pursue) and maybe I'm right.
I also know it's unfair to expect someone to change their mind just to satisfy your wants.
The idea of things not working out between us in the future because of this scares me...
What if he really never wants kids... what'll happen to me?
What'll happen to our marriage???

At the same time, I'm only 22 and I feel I shouldn't be worrying about something that doesn't affect me as of right now. But I know this will affect my future..
I'm in an ongoing battle with my mind and I can't talk to him about this cause he never says anything.
I need some insight. I need support.
I'm so nervous about our future.

"What if he really never wants kids... what'll happen to me?"

Well here's the hard truth: If he does not want kids now, it's only fair to assume this is how it will remain. would it be fair to you for him to question your intentions, staying with you only with the expectations you'll change your mind about kids later? No. What is the case now is what you should move forward with or not, not some future what if hoping that is based on either you changing his mind of him doing it on his own.

You can only assess your own priorities and adjust them if necessary, never the other person's and even if you could change them, that would not be right. So choose if you want children 100% for sure or not. If you do, then assume this relationship isn't the right one for you and find someone that you can have a child with like you want.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

If he loves you so much, why would he be so opposed to ever having kids? Something doesn't make sense there. Maybe he just doesn't want them until later, which makes sense.

why doesn't it make sense? I know quite a few people, men and women that are in loving relationships who never want kids.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

why doesn't it make sense? I know quite a few people, men and women that are in loving relationships who never want kids.

Yeah, I guess that's just my bias. My friend said she never wanted kids and never had them and does have a loving husband. She said she didn't want them because she is too selfish.

[Rainstoppedplay]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

why doesn't it make sense? I know quite a few people, men and women that are in loving relationships who never want kids.

If both don't want kids thats fine, in fact its great too many humans already. But if one does want them, its trouble ahead.

[Rainstoppedplay]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Yeah, I guess that's just my bias. My friend said she never wanted kids and never had them and does have a loving husband. She said she didn't want them because she is too selfish.

Its unselfish to not have kids. Selfish is to have kids and neglect/abuse them. Your friend is a nice person IMO!

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Yeah, I guess that's just my bias. My friend said she never wanted kids and never had them and does have a loving husband. She said she didn't want them because she is too selfish.

thanks for saying that. initially it just sounded like if someone loves someone, having kids is just something that goes along with it.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Rainstoppedplay

Its unselfish to not have kids. Selfish is to have kids and neglect/abuse them. Your friend is a nice person IMO!

I think that selfishness in and of itself stands alone. one can have selfish motivations for either. You could be selfish to have kids because you want kids to give you status and or many other reasons based on what they can do for you. But you can also NOT have kids for selfish reasons like not wanting to share your spouse with children, etc.

So I don't think there is any kind of statement on selfishness in either choice.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Rainstoppedplay

Its unselfish to not have kids. Selfish is to have kids and neglect/abuse them. Your friend is a nice person IMO!

She became a major activist for animals and social justice. She just never had any maternal instincts for human children and was smart enough to know it.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

thanks for saying that. initially it just sounded like if someone loves someone, having kids is just something that goes along with it.

It usually is. I'm not judging, just saying. For example, my sons all have talked about having kids of their own one day and how they'd be as a father or names they'd like to give their kids. I think it's a very natural thing to want, maybe even a biological instinct to reproduce. To not want kids always has a reason.

I didn't want children because I was afraid. And now I am too old.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Little Cat

I didn't want children because I was afraid. And now I am too old.

A lot of people are afraid, whether it is of the parenting or the physical pain of child birth.

I've known MANY guys who didn't want kids at 26 who changed their minds and now have several who they love and care for greatly. But there is no guarantee he will change his mind. Life is often a crap shoot. We place our bets, cross our fingers and hope for the best. Some wishes and dreams come true, some fall through our fingers like sand in an hourglass. There are no guarantees when it comes to having children even if we do want them and try.

I do think you should seriously talk to him about it and know exactly where he stands. He might not want them, you could decide to leave and a few years later he could have them with someone else...so many possibilities here. Get to the bottom of why he feels the way he does, it could be an eye opener and make your decision much easier. You don't have enough information to make any kind of decision yet.

I'm sorry you are in this situation and I hope it works out well for you. Good luck.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

A lot of people are afraid, whether it is of the parenting or the physical pain of child birth.

If you're not at least a little scared, you're probably not doing it right. It literally is the toughest job but so very rewarding.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I've known MANY guys who didn't want kids at 26 who changed their minds and now have several who they love and care for greatly. But there is no guarantee he will change his mind. Life is often a crap shoot. We place our bets, cross our fingers and hope for the best. Some wishes and dreams come true, some fall through our fingers like sand in an hourglass. There are no guarantees when it comes to having children even if we do want them and try.

I do think you should seriously talk to him about it and know exactly where he stands. He might not want them, you could decide to leave and a few years later he could have them with someone else...so many possibilities here. Get to the bottom of why he feels the way he does, it could be an eye opener and make your decision much easier. You don't have enough information to make any kind of decision yet.

I'm sorry you are in this situation and I hope it works out well for you. Good luck.

That's the thing. First yes, she needs to find out for sure where he stands on it as it is, and weigh out whether or not it's important enough to her to make a decision on now. but as for his changing his mind, I would say never bank on that idea and go forward unless you're willing to go forward assuming where he stands now is where it will be in the future and possibly always.

Ultimately I think even considering where people stand on having children at all is a subject that shouldn't even be breached after only 2 weeks of being together!

Sometimes initially in a relationship it starts one way and 2 yrs later you find you are completely different when it comes to stances on many things.

Focus on what it is you have right now this is all just "noise" at the moment, feeding into your anxiety.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

That's the thing. First yes, she needs to find out for sure where he stands on it as it is, and weigh out whether or not it's important enough to her to make a decision on now. but as for his changing his mind, I would say never bank on that idea and go forward unless you're willing to go forward assuming where he stands now is where it will be in the future and possibly always.

Ultimately I think even considering where people stand on having children at all is a subject that shouldn't even be breached after only 2 weeks of being together!

Sometimes initially in a relationship it starts one way and 2 yrs later you find you are completely different when it comes to stances on many things.

Focus on what it is you have right now this is all just "noise" at the moment, feeding into your anxiety.

I agree on all accounts.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Well here's the hard truth: If he does want kids now, it's only fair to assume this is how it will remain.

I must respectfully disagree. He's young; his life will change, and he may change with it.

For starters, the band probably isn't going to last. For all its glory, music is a very demanding and punishing industry. In his mid-twenties, my brother was in an incredibly dysfunctional indie rock band (of which I was an embarrassingly rabid fan) that had a hot stretch and got signed and played on The Late Show and toured America and Europe. The band eventually imploded under excessive substance abuse and the pressures of the road, and my brother is now an attorney and law professor and the devoted father of two young children, a man in his forties with very little resemblance to who(m?) he was at 26.

In the very off chance that my brother happens to read this: Sorry to make an example of you, bro, but this is a psychiatric support forum, I need you to make my argument, and nobody here takes what I say as fact. I love you.

Returning to topic: If the OP cares about the guy, it's only fair to both of them that she communicate clearly to him that her need to have kids is real and non-negotiable, and he has to decide whether his aversion to parenthood is temporary or permanent, given that it could cost him their relationship. If he still doesn't want kids forever, the OP has to choose between kids and him, and I don't envy her that kind of choice.

Then everybody has to decide that they trust each other.

My wife and I have always agreed during the sixteen years that we've been together that we would never have kids because she doesn't like kids and I'm a train wreck. If ever asked why we chose never to procreate, I answer that miscegenation is illegal under Halachic law, a response stupid enough to shut most people up.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Lefty the Salesman

I must respectfully disagree. He's young; his life will change, and he may change with it.

For starters, the band probably isn't going to last. For all its glory, music is a very demanding and punishing industry. In his mid-twenties, my brother was in an incredibly dysfunctional indie rock band (of which I was an embarrassingly rabid fan) that had a hot stretch and got signed and played on The Late Show and toured America and Europe. The band eventually imploded under excessive substance abuse and the pressures of the road, and my brother is now an attorney and law professor and the devoted father of two young children, a man in his forties with very little resemblance to who(m?) he was at 26.

In the very off chance that my brother happens to read this: Sorry to make an example of you, bro, but this is a psychiatric support forum, I need you to make my argument, and nobody here takes what I say as fact. I love you.

Returning to topic: If the OP cares about the guy, it's only fair to both of them that she communicate clearly to him that her need to have kids is real and non-negotiable, and he has to decide whether his aversion to parenthood is temporary or permanent, given that it could cost him their relationship. If he still doesn't want kids forever, the OP has to choose between kids and him, and I don't envy her that kind of choice.

Then everybody has to decide that they trust each other.

My wife and I have always agreed during the sixteen years that we've been together that we would never have kids because she doesn't like kids and I am a train wreck. If ever asked why we chose never to procreate, I answer that miscegenation is illegal under Halachic law, a response stupid enough to shut most people up.

my point in what you quoted should be re-worded. It should be assumed this is how it will remain because banking or putting any kind of hope in someone changing their mind about something like this is just a bad way to start. it's best to assume that it won't change and you should go forward with a decision on what someone thinks now not what they may or may not think later.

[~Christina]

My daughter is not going to have children at all...period.

She makes it very clear from about date 3.

Some of the guys that wants kid wind up good friends with her.

Not everyone wants to be a parent, and that's okay.

OP , I do agree you need to really sit down and have a serious talk about this... Yes you love him, but I would imagine if he doesn't want kids and you do ....resentment is going to build and the love for him you have will collapse.

Have the talk

((((( hugs )))))