[xRavenx]

I found out something about my boyfriend that made me feel hurt and betrayed. A little background: we had a traumatic break up/broken engagement where we were apart for a little over 2 years, then got back together for the past few months.

He was working hard to regain my trust back, and I was cautious. Recently, I found myself finally getting attached again, more trusting, and happy that he is back in my life. He always goes out of his way to express how much he loves me, so when I found out he was hiding things from me, I flipped out and left his house. When I flipped out, it was really bad. If I type how I reacted here, it might trigger, so I won't. I was also angry that he said he can't promise to change what bothers me. I won't get into specifics, because it'll make me more emotional.

He is a very affectionate person. He always goes out of his way to express how he loves and cares for me, which makes it tempting to get sucked in. I can't allow that to happen since I made a decision that I can't go back to such an unhealthy situation. It's bad enough I'm Bipolar and not in the best place. This morning, I texted him that I need time and space when he made an attempt to tell me how much he loves me and how he's sorry.

Tonight, he made another attempt by sending memes with sweet messages about how he misses me. These things play on my emotions. I know eventually I'll have to get on the phone and talk to him, but I'm not ready for having such an emotional conversation. Would it be the healthiest choice to not respond to his texting attempts and apologies until I'm in a better place emotionally?

[Crazylion]

he's your boyfriend, not your husband and if you don't have children with this man, than i would think of myself first. it is not worth your well-being. When we are dealing with ourselves like this every second of every day, the "others" who have issues, not like ours need to be avoided. Even in a great state of mind, people like that are not good for us in the long run.

but time tells everything.

take care and think of YOURSELF first and foremost.

stay strong.....courage.

v

[Moogieotter]

Sorry you are struggling. What is he hiding from you?

It is fair for you to take all the time you need. It might be helpful to tell him "I'm processing some things and need some time to myself to think so please allow me some space, I'll come to you when I'm ready to talk". This way he won't be worried, wondering or trying to co tact you while you think things through. (((Hugs)))

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Moogieotter

Sorry you are struggling. What is he hiding from you?

It involved webcams and communicating with someone online sexually. He swears he never had any intentions of meeting her, and it was just a physical outlet since he says we don't spend enough time together (mind you, I stay over his place at least once per week and all the other times, I'm busting my *** working). To me, I treat it as infidelity, and no one can convince me otherwise. Also, I've been through a lot of sexual trauma, and I felt exploited since he knows about how my past still affects me. I can expect this type of behavior coming from others, but I never guessed he would do something like this, and he knew how it would affect me if I found out, but he went ahead and did it any way.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Crazylion

he's your boyfriend, not your husband and if you don't have children with this man, than i would think of myself first. it is not worth your well-being. When we are dealing with ourselves like this every second of every day, the "others" who have issues, not like ours need to be avoided. Even in a great state of mind, people like that are not good for us in the long run.

but time tells everything.

take care and think of YOURSELF first and foremost.

stay strong.....courage.

v

Thanks so much. I definitely need to work on taking better care of myself. I'm always worried about others and how they feel (above my own needs) to the point where it's getting unhealthy.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

It is fair for you to take all the time you need. It might be helpful to tell him "I'm processing some things and need some time to myself to think so please allow me some space, I'll come to you when I'm ready to talk". This way he won't be worried, wondering or trying to co tact you while you think things through. (((Hugs)))

Thank you. That describes my feelings perfectly: I need time to process things, and I need space. This morning, I told him I needed time to think, but he texted me messages later in the day too saying "I miss you so much." I wish he took the hint that when I say I need time, it means I need more than a few hours.

[seesaw]

I hate to be the one who says break if off, but have you considered breaking it off entirely? Blocking his number on your phone, having absolutely no further contact with him?

I mean, what he did, that's pretty dramatic. I agree with you that it's infidelity. I know some people can overcome an incident of infidelity, but as you said, with your traumatic past, it has hit you very hard.

If he won't respect your need for boundaries, you may need to enforce them yourself. You can tell him, I need to not have contact with you AT ALL for a while, and block his number so he can't get to you.

I think having a complete period, like 3 months, of no contact with him may be good for you. You can suss out how you truly feel and if you want to move forward with the relationship.

Good luck,
seesaw

[Bill3]

He swears he never had any intentions of meeting her, and it was just a physical outlet since he says we don't spend enough time together

So he sees nothing wrong with what he did, and he is not sorry, apparently, since he had a "physical need". It sounds like he would do it again if he had a "physical need" and he knew he would not get caught. He even told you as much:

he said he can't promise to change what bothers me.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

but I never guessed he would do something like this, and he knew how it would affect me if I found out, but he went ahead and did it any way.

He betrayed you.

we had a traumatic break up/broken engagement

I'm sorry.

He was working hard to regain my trust back, and I was cautious.

From this statement it sounds like he hurt you badly when the engagement was broken. In other words, it sounds like he brought you enormous emotional pain in the past and he brought you enormous emotional pain in the present. What does that say about a future with him?

[LeeeLeee]

Unless he had your permission to do so, I think webcaming with complete strangers or anyone, while he is in a committed, monogamous relationship with you is totally WRONG and you have every right to be against it.

Your reaction to this tells me shows a lot of growth. Your triggers are healthy! Think about how unhealthy it is for people who make excuses, or even buy the baloney that it's because you don't spend enough time together. He seems to be literally trying to place the blame on you for this. Your willingness to walk away from this toxic situation is crucial. Consider that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone you can relax with and you don't always have to be worried they're going to be secretly up to no good. So, if you take the time to heal, you can be just a little more free from the trauma you lived through.

I've been working on my issues with Attachment Trauma and it has been eye opening to say the least. Name of the therapist channel on Youtube is Alan Robarge. I recommend
browsing the videos on his channel and find what speaks to you.

Best of luck to you and I hope you can feel a little stronger every day. (hugs)
-Lele

Originally Posted by xRavenx

It involved webcams and communicating with someone online sexually. He swears he never had any intentions of meeting her, and it was just a physical outlet since he says we don't spend enough time together

Oh hell no....

Hugs. I am sorry.

[xRavenx]

Thank you so much everyone for your responses and support. His texts saying "I miss you" and "I love you" seem manipulative, because if he already said earlier that he is not willing to change his actions, then his words do not mean much. I wouldn't be surprised if at some point he contacts me and then says he will change, since he sees that he's not getting away with this. Well, too little, too late. Staying in a relationship with him would be toxic. In fact, I think I need to be alone for a while.

I did not respond to his attempt to reach out tonight. It's too upsetting for me to even reach out to him. I think distance from him is the solution. I want to move forward (without him), and I'm glad that at least now I can see him for who he is and not who I want him to be.

[Crazy Hitch]

I think that by him throwing caution to the wind with regards to not being sure if he will change, magnifies how little he can empathise / relate / understand the magnitude that his actions have had on you.

I think men have primal urges and he actively sought out to relieve his urge. My definition of cheating is doing something that you wouldn't do if your partner was right there standing over your shoulder.

To me I think of it like this. What do you think his intentions were by doing this? I kind of believe that he had no intention of meeting up with her, hence it was online as this provides a "barrier". There are levels of cheating, and then there are levels of cheating.

If he can show remorse and some kind of inclination to change his ways, then perhaps there may be a chance to move forwards.

However, his stand off attitude at the moment, suggests that you need space to come to terms with what he has done.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I think that by him throwing caution to the wind with regards to not being sure if he will change, magnifies how little he can empathise / relate / understand the magnitude that his actions have had on you.

I think men have primal urges and he actively sought out to relieve his urge. My definition of cheating is doing something that you wouldn't do if your partner was right there standing over your shoulder.

To me I think of it like this. What do you think his intentions were by doing this? I kind of believe that he had no intention of meeting up with her, hence it was online as this provides a "barrier". There are levels of cheating, and then there are levels of cheating.

If he can show remorse and some kind of inclination to change his ways, then perhaps there may be a chance to move forwards.

However, his stand off attitude at the moment, suggests that you need space to come to terms with what he has done.

I agree with you completely. Although men do have primal urges, I believe people whether men or women should not be in committed relationships if they want to do things that would hurt a partner that they are aware would hurt them. Also, as a female, I take notice that I have stronger sexual urges than most men that I've known...especially when manic, but even when not. However, I never cheated on him and would never do anything to hurt him. That includes not sexting or doing anything sexual with anyone, even if it's from a distance, like webcams, etc. It especially bothers me that I've explicitly told him in the past what behaviors would hurt me, and it included exactly what he did. So he knew, and did it behind my back anyway.

As far as all levels of cheating, in my eyes, those levels all have the same effect on me personally. Whether someone is actually meeting with someone or turning to someone online for their own gratification is all the same to me (my own personal opinion).

I see it like this when it comes to cheating:

1. it makes a person feel hurt, inadequate, disrespected, and that they do not measure up
2. Cheating=engaging in sexual behaviors that the other person doesn't approve in, so it is betrayal....especially if the partner has been through sexual trauma the way that I have. Either way, it's betrayal
3. Engaging in these types of behaviors causes that person to not focus on the needs of their partner, so it can cause dysfunction sexually and emotionally in the relationship

This is going to take a while before I can heal. All I know is I'm not going back to him.