A perfectly bad idea.

@yagr, I have friends who were in the armed forces and have killed 'in the line of duty.' Two out of three have never been comfortable with it, and certainly being named hero's made them massively uncomfortable. The third seemed entirely untouched by the event, indeed made several tours. He seems able to compatmentalise successfully. His comments, if he was a civilian he'd be a serial killer.
None of this is really relevant I suppose. I was just remarking on the diffrent perspectives. I wish you and your Mrs all the best, may you have a long and happy future together.

@sophiesmom, Those were the things which I have really debated with myself at length abou. Because I didn't mention the risk factors to myself doesn't mean I am unaware, or I haven't thoroughly considered all the possibilities. It was a specific issue I was considering when I wrote this.

@Elsamars, Thankyou very much for your comments, they seemed considered and specific to my concerns, it was very helpful.

@ValentinaVVV, I don't feel I am in a position to cast judgment on him as I am a long way from perfect myself, which brings me to @Crazy Hitch if a leopard doesn't change its spots, then I feel most of us here are doomed to forever repeat ourselves, and leaves the whole concept of therapy and treatment open to debate. Also I am no angel and am in no position to consider myself morally superior. I have made a couple of decisions that if I could just turn back time and undo what I did. I would giv anything to do so.

Thankyou very much for your time people.

Look, in the end, you have to do what you feel comfortable with. People here are just going to give you their opinions. I couldn't date someone convicted of rape, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't. Just know what you're getting into.

Seesaw

I find it sad what women are willing to put up with. Of course nobody is perfect but dating men who assault women is a bit extreme imho . But it's your choice, since you do seem to want him, there is nothing could be done, I think you should just make sure he is never alone with your kids or preferably never meets your kids. I can't imagine telling my daughter that I'll have repeated rapist over for dinner. Just make sure everyone is safe

If I'm understanding this right, the OP is talking about some 50 shades of grey type arrangement because the OP themselves has a fetish for the extreme. So in this case it could be a mutually beneficial arrangement. But we are talking about a convicted sex offender and if he doesn't want to end up back in jail he shouldn't play with fire. IMHO.

If he committed a crime against you would you testify against him?

There are men who can simulate a more forceful kind of sex. As long as you are both into it, no problem.

There are rape fantasies or forced sex fantasies, etc. But you both have control.

From what I understand, rape is a violent compulsion without the agreement of both partners.

No one deserved to be abused. That is different completely.

I'm a rape survivor and for me I just could not be with someone that has raped. Even if they're reformed. I just couldn't do it. I would never trust them.

@Bill3, I honestly believe if he committed an offence against me he would turn himself in, and yes. I certainly wouldn't leave him a available to go on and hurt anyone else.

@rose1985, I am also a rape survivor, and if you had asked me a year ago, I would have said the same thing. Any of my close friends would tell you a have very little faith in people. And trust is an issue for both of us anyway, so it will take a lot on conscious work to fix that.

One of the reasons I have found this place so interesting is many of the stories I have read, just confirm this belief. But then I look at the people writing the story not just the content of the story itself and am reminded that there are so many people out there that want help to change, to be better, to not hurt their friends and loved ones and I find that things kind of balance out.

As someone said op might like 50 shades of grey type of relationships. That's fine as people have different tastes. There have to be men who are into it. There might be even ways of finding men who want S$M type of things etc (maybe sites for that?)but they don't have to have be rapists. You don't need to date a rapist if you like to be submissive.

As about wanting to help people to change there are many ways to do that. You can volunteer and help former convicts in many different ways. I think having sex with repeated rapist isn't going to help anyone. Especially if you like rough sex. If you don't worry about your own safety, then maybe worry about his. It's like serving free drugs to recovering drug addict.

As someone who is well versed in the BDSM lifestyle I feel it's necessary to say that a sub/Dom relationship is all about respect,trust and communication. Most practitioners would be horrified to have it put on a par with Non-Con, because BDSM is all about 'ultimate consent. Consenting for someone else to be responsible for your physical and emotional wellbeing. Which is why contracts are thoroughly discussed before.

For my part I had chosen a contract because he was so paranoid of doing anything p, he wouldn't even call me or take my hand without asking for express permission. It may have been endearing to start with, but to be asked your permission before every intimate moment sucks the romance and spontaneity out of of things very quickly. However he was convinced that If he so much as kissed me without asking me if it was allowed first I would run off to the police. So the contract was a way of giving him boundries to work within.
Obviously I still have the right to say no at anytime, but it still helped with trusting this wasn't some kind of set up or trap.

i would not be as couragous as you. But then again i've been abused sexually by guys that no one would ever dare to think they would do such a thing. They happened when i was living on the streets, having to do sexual acts for food. i never considered myself a prostitute but that is almost what i would have become had i not stopped. I also thought they were friends. It happened in my early 20s. i am 56 now with a 26 year old son and husband of 21 years now.

Perhaps I came across as snarky, or you assumed people would be judgmental...idk

My question really WAS, why are you more concerned for him than you are for yourself? Your question to us (or non-question) was: "I worry about what effect it would have on him, he has worked hard to complete all his groups, and one to ones. Although I know he feels he is fighting against himself, I don't want to be the reason for that"

You don't seem to be worried about your own health.

(And, for the record, yes I think it's dangerous for his own health and well being to engage in this type of play.)

Yes I too think it's dangerous for an ex rapist to be playing with fire in this way. I find it very frightening.

I agree that this is too dangerous for him to be doing BDSM. I think he should be trying normal sex first for a while before going into something kinky.

seesaw

Are you seeing a therapist? I think it might help to figure out what's behind this desire to be with such man. Do you in general have low standards when it comes to men? I would worry what kind of message you send to your kids, are they young or grown? If they are young girls they will grow up repeating unhealthy patterns (unless you intend to keep him s secret). I'd definitely talk to a therapist

At the moment the sexual relationship is healthy, and within the realms of 'normal' . As advised by his key worker. I am have no interest in pushing his buttons, or undoing the work he has done.
This thread has helped me see just how heavily biased things are against him as it is, He doesn't need the one person who should be providing support to be leaning on him from the inside.
@sophiesmom, sorry I thought I had answered your query futher back. It's not that I am not concerned about my welfare. It just wasn't the reason I started this thread. I didn't want to draw attention from my main question. I appreciate your concern, and Thankyou for asking. I wasn't trying to be evasive, I just wanted to focus on my current concern.

@divine1996, yes my psych, Says he has no concerns and we have discussed this at length.
That I have taken all the steps I can to ensure we are both safe.
Low standards, that's an interesting comment. I have had a few long term relationships, and many flings when I was still in my teens. I would never have consider any of them to be of low standard. I am not sure what that means.
My previous partners, have all worked , had their own homes, cars, holidays and disposable income.
One didn't work out cos we were to young.
One because we wanted diffrent things.
The last one, we went 10 years and four kids later they suddenly didnt want the responsibility. I couldn't have seen it coming, no one did. So I took a longtime out to heal and realised I was happier on my own with the kids so I stopped looking.
As for the kids, my girls are grown, and know the situation, because they still live at home I felt they had the right to decide if they wanted this man in their home or not. They both went off and did their own background research, and have been very supportive. I havnt brought him home or introduced him to my kids, and I won't until the social do their risk assessment.
Again I thank you for time and questions.

By low standards I meant maybe not expecting much. You mentioned somewhere that your kids father isn't in their lives and decent upstanding citizen do not abandon their children so I thought maybe in general you don't expect much from men. But if you say otherwise it's ok. I agree that people especially women are biased against men who assault and rape. Certainly there is a bias and it's kind of expected. I am glad you seeing a professional and I am out of this thread. This thread is very triggering for people btw. I have never been raped but had students who were and know other rape victims and it's very triggering to read that someone would choose to be with a rapist. Good luck.

@divine1966, Thanku for taking the time once again, I understand that this is a trigger topic hence the warning. Again if you had asked me a year ago, would have stood on the other side of the fence. Having been a suvivor myself.

Your right upstanding men don't abandon their kids, but how do you know. When I met him he was single had his other two children in his care. Worked, raised two toddlers himself, was involved in his community, helped those less fortunate. We had nine amazing years, he was emotionally available and I thought that would us for all time, and then poof. He was done. And not just with me and our children but his two from a previous relationship.
Not sure how you can guard against something like that.
Anyway that's all a bit off topic, I appreciate being made to think this through, and I have definately learned something valuable. So I shall work on that.

BDSM and a rapist are a dangerous combination. There's too much adrenaline, too many blurry lines (even with a contract), and a loss of control.

Not only is it dangerous for you, but both of you are increasing the danger for him. It's like the worst test ever with extremely low odds of success.

I noticed that you are very very sweet and seem to really want to defend this guy. And I think I detect a little anger and defiance because of the answers you really didn't want to hear.
I'm sorry about that.

I wish you all the best and hope that we are all very wrong.

Wow! I find it totally honourable that he was honest with you! That must be so hard to do! I believe that everybody deserves love and I think it is great that you are both thinking of each other's safety.
Me personally, I would be nervous, but that's just me and has nothing to do with you and how you feel.
If you are concerned about your sexual preferences being unsafe for him, have you both been to a counselor together?
What ever happens with you two, I believe that you already know the answer in your heart and soul.

@sophiesmom, that might just be uk sarcasm seeping through. I feel this has helped a lot, I have definately seen I need to shift my focus about what's important here. Whilst we are still learning about each other, we can just continue to discuss it with his workers and attending his meetings, my psych etc . They have all been very supportive. But when you are constantly surrounded by professionals sometimes it helps to hear from those outside the circle.

Apologies if I sounded snippy, it wasn't intentional, I am genuinely interested to take in other perspectives, I think it's important.

@Acorn Oaktree Thankyou for your post, it is often difficult to hear unfavourable things said about someone you care deeply for, and harder still when you can see the truth in it.
A few kind words can go a long way.
Many thanks.