[Erebos]

So, I am in my late 30's, been single for the better part of a decade after spending 10years with a man I thought was the one.
To be honest it took three years to get over him, maybe longer to get over losing what we had but eventually I was content just me and the kids and my Xbone. Oh and the dog, I loved my dog.

Anyway earlier this year I met up with one of my online gaming buddies, just for coffee and a chat. ( we have gamed and chatted for the last 2 years).
He says to me there is something I need to know first. That it's heavy **** and that he understands if I don't want to see him after he tells me.
Long story short he was convicted of raping his partner. And received a seven year sentence. 4 served inside, 3 served on license.
I was definately shocked, but it didn't and still doesn't bother me. I have met his social worker, his OMO his PO and am aware in detail of the circumstances of his conviction.
He is Younger than me not massivly but enough and it's 10 years since his offence.

So what's the problem. The problem is that our sexual deviances/paraphilias line up almost perfectly, and I am afraid I will do him more harm than good. I care for him deeply I may even be in love with him and whilst I am not afraid of him or what he may do to me. I worry about what effect it would have on him, he has worked hard to complete all his groups, and one to ones. Although I know he feels he is fighting against himself, I don't want to be the reason for that.
We have talked long and hard about this. He had long ago decided he wouldn't get involved again, as had I.
Outside the bedroom our relationship is really good, healthy. We talk, laugh, fallout occasionally but it's easy to make up again.

I don't know, I guess I just wanted to write this and try and see it from the outside.
Just for the record he is no threat to strangers, or my kids, his m.o is partner assault. And only in that one relationship.

Feel free to comment, or not. If you made it through my waffle thanku.

[TishaBuv]

Do you think it can work without leading to violence?

[Erebos]

He was never 'violent ' in his previous assaults. He never hit his ex partner or restrained her, except for once. He did ignore her requests for him to stop.
I am unsure, my problem is I have a masochistic streak, I enjoy being hurt. And forced into doing things I don't want to. And this is what worries me. So far I have kept a handle on this. We have a very clear written contract for inside the bedroom and have applied all the precautions we can.
I do believe a huge part of his behaviour was down to resentment, I am also very aware of his triggers and any warning behaviour he might be exhibiting. I would never push his boundries while he was acting in a high risk way. But ultimately I don't know.

[divine1966]

I personally would run and run fast. But that's me. Was he wrongfully accused or he actually did it? One time is one too many

[Erebos]

No he did it. And I would have said the same thing except that, honestly he had no need to tell me when he did, or ever. I don't believe that sexual preferences can be altered or changed but I do believe they can be managed. If he hadn't shown that he has tried significantly to ammend his behaviour since he was in prison it would be a diffrent story. He is also suitably terrified of going back to jail, that it acts as a driving force to keep him working to better himself.

[TishaBuv]

You are setting yourself up to be in a bad situation. Maybe you should contact his ex and hear her side of it.

Also, people really do tell you what they are about. You just really have to listen. A bf told me he had 'abandonment issues' and I didn't want to believe it until I had to file a Restraining Order.

[Erebos]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You are setting yourself up to be in a bad situation. Maybe you should contact his ex and hear her side of it.

Also, people really do tell you what they are about. You just really have to listen. A bf told me he had 'abandonment issues' and I didn't want to believe it until I had to file a Restraining Order.

Her side of it is public record, she sold her story many times over, and I have heard and read the facts on the charges, from a public protection officer who works for the police. And the social workers who work with the sex offenders. So I am not taking anything from what he told me. Although his story and her story match up. I can't contact her because I am associated with him and until his license is up he has a no contact order against him.

I am interested in the responses so far, I have never considered myself at risk, but I am worried that my preferences and behaviour may effect him and the work he has done so far. Thankyou though for your time I just thought that was interesting.

[MickeyCheeky]

I would be worried tbh.. I'd stay away from him as much as I can.. but that's only my advice.

[s4ndm4n2006]

I see you making provision for what is an ex con, that not only that, is the kind that has taken out violence on women. You being a woman should run and forget this meeting.

I know, you said

He was never 'violent ' in his previous assaults. He never hit his ex partner or restrained her, except for once. He did ignore her requests for him to stop.

"except once". First, I hope you will stop and think about what I'm going to say about the line above, alone. It speaks volumes to what type of person he is. 1. you say he was violent with her once. That alone shows capacity to be violent. 2. "in his previous assaults" plural. So this is not only a one time rapist, but a repeat offender. 3. ignoring her requests to stop, again plural - assuming the multiple rapes happened to the same girl. keep in mind, rape in and of itself is a form of attack or many would say, violence.

I can't hear how he admitted the conviction to you but considering he's a repeat offender, I'm going to ask, does it seem to be a sense of pride he has in it or is he actually remorseful or even regretful for what he's done. Do you know if he even sees what he did as wrong on so many levels?

Please, do not pursue this relationship or meet him even for anything like gaming.

[Molinit]

Convicted rapist/criminal = No thank you.

[Yours_Truly]

I know he feels he is fighting against himself, I don't want to be the reason for that.
He had long ago decided he wouldn't get involved again, as had I.

It would certainly seem you are both playing with fire and are risking falling down the rabbit hole.

At this point, I suppose it depends on how strongly the two of you can adhere to your clear bedroom contract while continuing to resist your sexual deviances/paraphilias. Sexual proclivities can be awfully strong. It doesn't sound easy.

I'm sorry you're faced with having to make this hard decision.

[divine1966]

I find it strange you worry about him and not yourself. It seems that you have no concern for your safety. Please reconsider it

[~Christina]

Well I have been raped 3 times in my life so I'm coming out of the victims corner.

Rape really isn't about the sex it's about having abusive power over someone.

Of course I am going to say ... Get the hell away from him.

[Erebos]

I thank you all for your time. I wonder if someone commits any crime they are to be permenantly branded for all time. Regardless of the remorse shown or the steps taken to self improvement. If that were the case there would be a lot of people living isolated and segregated lives. I would certainly be among them.
I suspect I would have received more sympathy and understanding if I had said he was a murderer.
So if they are never to earn the right to a life with humanitarian values, why bother with jail at all. Why not simply dispose of them. The liberatzi's can't have it all ways. Anti-death sentence. But once a crim always a crim. Where is the basis for reform.
10 years ago when still a very immature young man, he embarked on an incredibly unhealthy relationship, where sex was used as a weapon, by both parties. He did an awful thing. Then he paid for it with a punishment handed down the court. He continues to abide by all the rules and restrictions impressed upon him.Nor does he complain. He will be on the sex offenders register for at least 15 years. Then it can be reviewed, and sadly will continue to be a burden to the state because he cannot find employment anywhere, to pay for himself or the maintenance for his son he won't ever see. ( again entirely within his ex's rights and utterly understandable.). Despite filling out application after application everyday.
Whilst I appreciate the concern, and I absolutely admit that rape by its very nature should be considered a violent offence regardless, of wether a hand is raised or not. I have no interest in going into this blind. This is a man with whom I have an awful lot in common. I have been friends with for years. Who also took a massive risk in telling me what he did. Even if I wasn't in a relationship with him I would not be one to turn my back on someone who was making very definate steps toward bettering themselves.

I must reiterate, I have NEVER taken his word as given. I have always checked it with records or his workers. He has never lied, or understated anything that transpired. This was not because I didn't believe him but because I felt it would be irresponsible to enter this uninformed. What I was suprised was how many women are in my situation. When I entered the partners support network.

Anyway once again I thank you all for any time and effort you have spent in replying. All the best. Erie.

[Erebos]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I find it strange you worry about him and not yourself. It seems that you have no concern for your safety. Please reconsider it

I have to accept that I am at risk, but I could be at risk with any man I became involved with. In this instance I am very aware of what to look for, and I wasn't writing about my concerns about him. I have other issues I consider a lot more immediate. We don't live together, cos it's way to early.we see each other once a week. With occasional weekends together. My concern at this time was to ensure I am taking responsibility for my actions, and my behaviour.

@~Christina (sorry havnt figured out multipul quote thingies) I am also a rape survivor. Long long time ago now. Have had many healthy relationships since. My best wishes to you, I hope things are moving on now.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Erebos

I thank you all for your time. I wonder if someone commits any crime they are to be permenantly branded for all time. Regardless of the remorse shown or the steps taken to self improvement. If that were the case there would be a lot of people living isolated and segregated lives. I would certainly be among them.
I suspect I would have received more sympathy and understanding if I had said he was a murderer.
So if they are never to earn the right to a life with humanitarian values, why bother with jail at all. Why not simply dispose of them. The liberatzi's can't have it all ways. Anti-death sentence. But once a crim always a crim. Where is the basis for reform.
10 years ago when still a very immature young man, he embarked on an incredibly unhealthy relationship, where sex was used as a weapon, by both parties. He did an awful thing. Then he paid for it with a punishment handed down the court. He continues to abide by all the rules and restrictions impressed upon him.Nor does he complain. He will be on the sex offenders register for at least 15 years. Then it can be reviewed, and sadly will continue to be a burden to the state because he cannot find employment anywhere, to pay for himself or the maintenance for his son he won't ever see. ( again entirely within his ex's rights and utterly understandable.). Despite filling out application after application everyday.
Whilst I appreciate the concern, and I absolutely admit that rape by its very nature should be considered a violent offence regardless, of wether a hand is raised or not. I have no interest in going into this blind. This is a man with whom I have an awful lot in common. I have been friends with for years. Who also took a massive risk in telling me what he did. Even if I wasn't in a relationship with him I would not be one to turn my back on someone who was making very definate steps toward bettering themselves.

I must reiterate, I have NEVER taken his word as given. I have always checked it with records or his workers. He has never lied, or understated anything that transpired. This was not because I didn't believe him but because I felt it would be irresponsible to enter this uninformed. What I was suprised was how many women are in my situation. When I entered the partners support network.

Anyway once again I thank you all for any time and effort you have spent in replying. All the best. Erie.

The reason first, I mentioned he seemed to be a repeat offender, was and still is something that would concern me. You have to admit you had to have known the number of warning bells that would go off in this forum right?

But I also, myself added the question as to whether he had shown remorse or regret, which would be a factor.

I think the misunderstanding, and I would venture to guess that others may agree, is that you offered nothing of him other than the background related to the rapes. The absence of your providing the information that you are not concerned about it and why kind of left it out there as something that sounded much like you were unsure because of his past. I don't think the replies were unreasonable but I do think that even in your case, going ahead with it there are good thoughts to be gleaned here.

Stay safe, and I hope he is indeed a reformed person. Of course it's possible that's true it's just more often than not we hear of those that repeat their crimes and offenses even after serving time. Whether that's true or not it tends to color our view.

[Erebos]

Thankyou again for responding.

I get stuck with repeat offender, because yes he raped his ex a few times over 3 years, however he never assaulted any other girlfriend. Admittedly he was young and there weren't many before and none after, then he was convicted.
Remorse absolutely, I asked him what made him stop. (Because they were together for a while after the last time, then the separated, it was a year before she pressed charges.) and he said he looked at her. He had never looked her in the eyes before and when he did it instantly horrified him, and he couldn't continue.
He was visibly shaken when he relived this story. he despises himself for what he did to someone he thought he loved, and is very afraid of repeating his mistakes. It's not his words that tell me this but his actions and watching him when he talks. After he came out of prison, he moved into an apartment adopted two turtles and more or les locked himself away. Resigned to that being his existence from that point onward.

I have seen many people lie, and pretend to be sorry and remorseful, I have come across some who were exceptionally gifted at convincing you they were totally reformed. This man breaks when he relives that experience and when he realises he lost his son. He has
Never once directed blame at anyone but himself. And I have been tricky with him, tried to lead the conversation so that he might confess he secretly believes her responsible in someway or tht he could justify himself somehow.
He never has.

All points of view have been gratefully received it is always good to hear things from another's point of view. These are the assumptions reactions we come up against very often, and thankfully we are both level headed, and respectful of other people's views.
Even withstanding the inevitable monitoring from the Social services.

[seesaw]

I think you are being very careful and doing what you can to protect yourself. I hear what you are saying about him reforming. I guess if you are comfortable with giving him a chance, then just be very sure you are comfortable putting down and keeping boundaries.

I would not be comfortable giving him a chance, but I don't think that means that no one should. I admire your optimism for humans to do good.

seesaw

[PsychNitrous]

I don't think I have any advice about the relationship, but I just wanted to chime in and say good for you for giving him a chance. I work with felons in the US, and it is so hard for someone to come out of prison and get their life back. Some of them definitely don't deserve it, but for someone who can take responsibility for their actions, show remorse, and actively is working to improve themself? They definitely deserve chances. I'm glad that you plan to stick with him, in a relationship or friendship. He sounds like he deserves it.

I just got finished watching a documentary about a group of convicted sex offenders who live in this trailer park (the entire park are essentially convicted sex offenders). It was very sad in some parts and what nightmares are made of in others. It was very educational. It's Called Pervert Park I think....On Netflix.

I think it can be very dangerous to him if he's in recovery to go this route. There are some relationships which function well like this and it's helpful to have a partner who gets it to fully experience life to its fullest. I try not to judge but you said he's in recovery and you have a right to be concerned this could set him back.

The documentary says that rapists and sex offenders need to completely disengage from that behavior in order to have a chance at recovery. Just like the alcoholic who can't take a drink.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Erebos

I thank you all for your time. I wonder if someone commits any crime they are to be permenantly branded for all time.

Yes, yes they are.

Originally Posted by Erebos

Regardless of the remorse shown or the steps taken to self improvement.

Still yes.

Originally Posted by Erebos

If that were the case there would be a lot of people living isolated and segregated lives.

There are.

Originally Posted by Erebos

I suspect I would have received more sympathy and understanding if I had said he was a murderer.

Probably not. I have some experience in this one... Here's a true story for you:

Three years ago last May, my doctor told me that I could continue working or live to see Christmas. My wife was not working at the time but quickly got a job. Then she got a second job. She still volunteers regularly though, making lunches for the elderly at the senior center on the Reservation and working at a horse rescue operation that works with Down Syndrome kids She cleans houses as well, whenever she gets the opportunity for a little extra money.

That November, she was hurt on the job and couldn't work for four months. We fell on extremely hard times. We moved into a place with no running water or heat about 40 miles from the Canadian border because it was cheap and our savings had already been decimated. We had gotten to the point where we were ripping up old clothes for toilet paper that they gave away at the food bank. Destitute.

She returned to work but just prior to getting her first paycheck since returning, she went to clean an elderly neighbors house who had offered her $50 to do so. She came home empty handed. "Honey, I couldn't take the money - she's almost as bad off as we are." That's the woman I'm married to. The girl who's deathly afraid of spiders but carries them outside while running out of the bathroom screaming cause she'd rather be scared to death than to hurt anything. She is, without a doubt, the most compassionate person I know.


And one last thing, she did twenty-four years in prison for aggravated murder. Read the newspapers or watch the news and you'll deem her a sociopath. Live with her and you'll deem her a saint. I suppose at the end of the day, she's a person - just like her victim.

And then there's me. I'm a murderer too. Of course, mine happened while I was wearing a uniform and following orders; that makes me a hero I'm told. Her case was after being kidnapped, sold into the sex trade and during an escape attempt - at fifteen years old. We're pretty much the same, her and I.

If you weren't a mom...or had your own issues to deal with, then I would say that by all give it and him a chance.

As it is, then no. I couldn't take the risk. But that wasn't really your question was it?

Given the above, why are you more concerned with him than with yourself?

This is a very bad idea. I personally, would not date a rapist.

If it doesn't upset your morals, than you and I are different.

[Crazy Hitch]

A leopard doesn't change its spots.

Even if he isn't physically violent towards you, I fail to see how long term he'd treat you as the person you deserve to be treated as. You need to have higher standards for yourself.

He did that repeatedly to his partner in a long term relationship?

No. Thank. You.