[msucarl483]

This is very hard for me to discuss and I'm almost at wits end trying to figure things out with my relationship with my girlfriend of 2 years and my overbearing mother. Let me try to break this down the best way I can. Any advice would be much needed as we are on the verge of breaking up.

First let me start out by saying that I am 30 years of age and an only child. Coming into this relationship I let my girlfriend know that I was close with my family. They live about 15 minutes from me and before I met her I was probably stopping by 2 times during the week and maybe once on the weekend. My mom and I were very close, to a fault...she was a completely overbearing mother and had boundary issues. As an example, she doesn't work and would log on to my dad's Facebook to creep on my friends and figure out whats going on in their lives and then call me to talk regarding them.

Things were going well, there was talk of my mom being sort of rude to my girlfriend but she just kind of shrugged it off and dealt with my mother, until I'd say July of this year...my birthday. My girlfriend threw me a surprise party and it was a complete and utter disaster to their relationship. My girlfriend made it a friends only party. This upset my mom and she ended up inviting my aunt, this caused friction because my girlfriend then had to talk to my cousin and tell her that it was for people of our age and not for any of the family such as uncles or aunts. No only that but my mom decided to also talk about my girlfriend regarding this at a friend's of the family party which ended up getting back to her.

Fast forward to the week after my birthday. Relationships are completely strained. My girlfriend is hurt...understandably so, I decide it is best to stop communications with my mom. I don't talk to her for 2 weeks before my dad forces me to come over there. I absolutely explode on my mom privately and all she can say is how disrespectful i was. Well then I decide to try to have a family dinner/intervention pretty much. I try to bring my girlfriend, mom, day and I together to get an apology from my mom. She does end up apologizing but I could tell it was half assed and honestly she was disrespectful during this apology and blamed it on other family members.

I keep my distance from my mom, answering her calls when she calls but not calling her. Well this goes on, I reached out to my mom and demand an actual apology and ask her to call my girlfriend. She ends up calling her but says "at the end of the day you and I don't have to like each other, if my son is happy with you then that is all that matters". This apology ends up not helping at all and makes my girlfriend want to distance me further from her.

Basically the stipulation that my girlfriend and I agreed upon was that if I had communication with my mom that in order to make her feel comfortable that I tell her exactly what we talked about....I reluctantly agree even though I feel like it is controlling and completely overwhelming. I comply with this but I find myself resenting this stipulation and start to police my conversations with my mother to a point where I do end up not telling my girlfriend when we talk on some occasions for fear that she starts to think I'm going back to the old ways with my mom.

This leads to the most recent issue which may end up being our demise. About 2 weeks ago my girlfriend's sister gave birth to a new child. My mom instead of reaching out to my girlfriend reaches out to her sister. My girlfriend is not only weirded out by this but also is hurt that she wouldn't congratulate her too. Well, I end up going over to my parents during the election, pick my mom up..we go vote and mention to her why she would reach out to her sister but not my girlfriend knowing how attached she is to her nephews, she gives some nonchalant answer, which I don't respect...I stand up for my girlfriend and I drop my mom off. After telling her this, she covers her tracks and reaches out to her to congratulate her on the birth...a week later after the birth. Marissa thought that was weird that my mom reached out...I said yeah it was not telling her I had this conversation with my mom because I want relations to get better between them. Well lying about this blows up on my face this week as she finds out the truth to why she reached out, I ended up telling her.

So now, we have the current situation. My girlfriend views me as a liar who she cannot trust anymore because I lied to her face trying to protect my mom and their relationship over mine and her's.On top of that she does not feel comfortable at all with me speaking with my mother because of what she has been through. Same stipulations apply, she wants me to report every conversation and on top of that make no outbound calls to her and only let her call me but I have free will to call out to my dad. I disagree with this as these harsh stipulations and my non-compliance got me into trouble the first time. She wants us to work on us first and until she is 100% comfortable with us, then she said she will allow me to work on fixing the relationship with my mother.

I need so much advice I don't even know what to do. I feel trapped between both of them and I don't want to lose my girlfriend over this but at the same time I'm not willing to cut ties with my mom to the degree that she wants. Any feedback would be much obliged.

Thanks you for hearing my story.
Best,
Carl

[Skeezyks]

Hello Carl: Honestly... I don't know what to tell you about this. (By the way let me mention that, although I am an old man now, I was also an only child; & my mother was also very attached to me. So I have some perspective with regard to the situation you're in.) From what you wrote it sounds to me as though you are in an impossible situation. Your mom has one set of priorities, so to speak, & your gf has another set. And the two are pretty-much diametrically opposed! Plus you, for your part, don't want to give up either.

I guess where you & I differ is that I grew tired of my mother's clinging. And when I had the opportunity to move out of state, I took it & seldom looked back. It was unfortunate. But it was the way it had to be. So, from my perspective, I'd have to say that, at some point or other, you're simply going to have to choose. Otherwise the choice will, in one way or another, be made for you. As the old saying goes... you can't serve two masters.

I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[msucarl483]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello Carl: Honestly... I don't know what to tell you about this. (By the way let me mention that, although I am an old man now, I was also an only child; & my mother was also very attached to me. So I have some perspective with regard to the situation you're in.) From what you wrote it sounds to me as though you are in an impossible situation. Your mom has one set of priorities, so to speak, & your gf has another set. And the two are pretty-much diametrically opposed! Plus you, for your part, don't want to give up either.

I guess where you & I differ is that I grew tired of my mother's clinging. And when I had the opportunity to move out of state, I took it & seldom looked back. It was unfortunate. But it was the way it had to be. So, from my perspective, I'd have to say that, at some point or other, you're simply going to have to choose. Otherwise the choice will, in one way or another, be made for you. As the old saying goes... you can't serve two masters.

I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Thanks for reading my story and providing me some insight. I wish moving out of the state was an option. We literally just bought a house. Can I ask you....do you still talk with your mother or have you completely severed ties?

[~Christina]

I think you're mother and girlfriend need to stop putting you in the middle, you can love both.

If my husband demanded that I tell him if I made a call or whatever ???? I'm sorry I would snap.

Yes you should defend your girlfriend, you can tell Mommy to back off.

Girlfriend and Mommy are in a battle to see whose going to "win" it's stupid.

If it were me I would tell them both that everyone is too old for this nonsense.

If you mom calls you're girlfriend tell her to just ignore it. I know hard at times.

You have a girlfriend relationship and then you have your relationship with your mom.

Usually once you stop playing the games people quit the ********t.

Maybe couples counseling would get you and your girlfriend learn how to deflect Mommys influence in your relationship.

Welcome to PC I hope you can find some peace.

[Bill3]

My mom and I were very close, to a fault...she was a completely overbearing mother and had boundary issues.

The technical term for this is enmeshed. Your mother wants to have, and has, excessive influence in your adult life.

I too am an only child. I can relate.

She wants us to work on us first and until she is 100% comfortable with us, then she said she will allow me to work on fixing the relationship with my mother.

Think about that: your girlfriend will "allow" you to work on your relationship with your mother only after your girlfriend is "100% comfortable" with the relationship. Until that time, you are not "allowed" to call your own mother.

There is a saying: we marry one parent and become like the other. And this makes a certain sense: when we start looking around for a partner, our image of what to look for is unconsciously guided by what we know of woman or man...which we learn in large part from the examples of our parents.

My suggestion is individual counseling for you. I think that counseling can give you the opportunity to figure out who you are, separate from the women in your life, and help you figure out how better to deal with them.

In the meantime, my suggestion is to separate the two relationships. Stop trying to manipulate your mother toward a place that she clearly does not want to be. No more forced apologies, no more trying to paper over her animosity and compelling need to control. And no more agreeing to unreasonable demands from your girlfriend. Start thinking about how you yourself want to be: not what your mother wants you to be, not what your girlfriend wants you to be, but what you want you to be. Do you want to spend the rest of your life controlled by your mother? Do you want to spend the rest of your life controlled by your girlfriend? Do you want to spend the rest of your life cut off from your own mother? If not, then start to figure out new ways to relate to these people. A therapist should be able to help you with this.

I think you might have to bite the bullet here and choose between them Personally, I am of the belief that in a longterm relationship that it be treated as the priority. If you are unwilling to do so then your choice is obvious.

I like that term 'enmeshed'. It seems to describe very well what is happening here.

Try to choose your times to communicate with your mom for when your girlfriend is present. I am serious in this. It will go very far to develop in her mind that you are not going behind her back to interact with your mother. So too, I think it would actually help to include her whenever you see your mother too. Also, if this is happening, cut off all dependence upon your mother. Try to avoid situations where she does things for you.

These things actually helped me a great deal. It both reinforced to me that I was the priority and reinforced to my now ex mother-in-law that I was part of the package.

It took some time but she eventually realized that I was part of her son's life - and hers too by default.

She never came around to getting excited to see me, but she and I did come to being on rather pleasant termss. It is ironic. Now that her son and I are no longer together we still will get along very well in those social situations we are both present.

[msucarl483]

Well, it came to a head today. My mom called me today and guilted me for not seeing her in two weeks and I snapped at her. To the point of making her cry. Not my proudest moment.

Immediately after doing that I felt awful, like remorseful actually. I actually stole the term enmeshed from the forum to describe my momwhile talking with her, so thank you for expanding my vocabulary.

Anyway the long and short of it is, I called her back to apologize. This can't continue, I feel like I'm losing grip on everything. I'm feeling very withdrawn and just want to buy a one way ticket away from everyone and everything...but that won't solve anything.

I think for the first time I will actually seek a therapist for help,advice and honestly just an unbiased opinion. I have never been so stressed in my life, add on the fact that we bought this damn house that has been a nightmare fixer upper from hell.

Thanks all for the wonderful input. Seriously much appreciated.

Best,
Carl