[birdieputt]

My gf and I have been dating for 15 months. We are very happy together most of the time, but she is worried (to the extent that she might not want to be in this relationship) that one day I will physically hurt her in a serious manner, because of various things I've done in the past. I’m pretty sure I won't physically hurt her, since I love her very much and want her to be healthy and alive, but since she keeps mentioning it, it has created some doubt in my mind (maybe one day I WILL hurt her?! am I really a monster?!)

Some examples of past events that's led to her believe her safety is at risk (sorry these might be rambly but I’ll do my best to be succinct):

Event #1:
She wanted to make a costume for a party one evening. I told her I was very tired and said would be nice if we can finish by 10pm so I can go to bed by 11pm. She agreed. However she ended up going way past 10pm and so I gently reminded her that I’d like to rest. She ignored me. So I complained more intensely. Then we started arguing. I felt annoyed, especially by the fact that she didn’t show any empathy or apologise for going way past the time which we agreed on. In the heat of the argument, I impulsively ripped apart the cardboard costume she spend 2 hours making. Obviously, she was very pissed off, so we argued for another few hours, before I made my way back to my own place.

Event #2:
We were in a club for a friend’s birthday party. I found out I lost my card wallet, one she gifted my for my birthday. So I tried to look for it with my phone’s flashlight. I couldn’t find it. So I went back to the restaurant and bar we went to previously in the evening, but couldn’t find it either. I went back to the club, and told my gf I lost the wallet, and I tried to find it, etc. She then started hurling verbal abuse at me, some of which were actually quite hurtful (which I do not mind, but the way she said it she definitely had the INTENTION of hurting me, which I DO mind). Instead of hurling verbal abuse back at her, I splashed my glass of champagne on her face. She went livid…which was kind of the point. She then went crying to her friends. I am now seen as the “bad guy” by all her friends (not complaining, maybe I do deserve that title).

Obviously looking back, it’s clear that I should’ve reacted in a much calmer and mature manner. Let things cool down, take a few deep breathes, etc. I probably have some anger management issues I need to work on. But should I be concerned that one day this will escalate into me physically hurting her? If so, what should I do about this?

[Molinit]

You need therapy and anger management courses. Your girlfriend is right to have thoughts of getting away from you.

The best predictor of future abuse is past abuse. Your GF verbally abused you and so you threw a drink in her face. 2 abusive people and the outcome was physical. I doubt your going to turn into a serial killer from this but you've shown a pattern of consequences resulting from your anger. Some anger management and counseling could probably be useful. There is never an excuse for violence but some people push our buttons and part of being healthy is recognizing when people are doing this and backing away rather than engaging (((hugs)))

[Moogieotter]

Alcohol can make for drama.

[Shadix]

I am not really qualified to say, but the drink throwig situation highlights a pretty big double standard in my opinion. It has always been the norm for women to spill their drink on a guy who upsets them in some way. And it wouldn't even have to be serious verbal abuse. Yet when a guy does it to a girl, it is unacceptable and a sign that he is going to abuse her? I mean, I understand why some people consider it worse for men to hit women than vice versa, since men are physically stronger than women. However, spilling a drink on someone has no relation to physical strength. I think this goes to show that the whole thing has nothing to do with differences in physical strength and the reality is that society feels any harm that comes to women is worse than harm that comes to men. Basically that men should be "tough" and deal with things that women shouldn't have to. And this basically extends to insults and verbal abuse a well. I have had female peers say things to me which I would have been ostracized if I had said to one of them. They said these things without facing or anticipating any consequences. There is CLEARLY a gender double standard of favor of women in our society and I am quite sick of it.

Violence of any kind should be unacceptable unless someone is defending their life. No double standards. I know that some people feel double standards on such an issue are okay but these people are rare and not to be taken seriously.

Verbal abuse is not good in a relationship (from either party) but it also sounds like you have turned physical a couple of times already (which I believe from your post your gf has not).

You are aware that what you did not react in an appropriate manner and you accept that you have anger management issues - I applaud you for that. Will it escalate to harming her physically? Not everyone with an anger management issue will escalate to physically harming others, but those who physically harm others usually do have anger management issues - so it's not a foregone conclusion but it's something to be aware of.

People with anger management issues, both male and female can and do change their behaviour patterns. How they do this is specific to the individual, for some people self-help (reading up online and practicing self calming strategies) will be enough, others will require therapy of differing levels. A lot will depend on what is behind your tendency to lose your temper, and it's quite likely that there is something (family background possibly) which is behind this. One thing is for sure, throwing drinks or ripping up possessions is not healthy behaviour in either sex.

[Erebos]

@Shadix, I actually agree with what your saying about perceptions, more than once I have seen a girl get a pat on the back for pouring her drink on a creep in a bar, or an inconsiderate boyfriend. Yet in this example they are concerned he will become an abuser.
@burdieputt
There are two mildly abusive patterns here, yours and your girlfriends, together you could escalate, but I don't think your turning into a wife beater. It sounds like your relationship Just isn't healthy, or a long term prospect. I also suspect that alcohol was a factor in both these examples. I would ask is she always prone to getting verbal and immature when she drinks,(I assume you didn't loose her gift on purpose), to the point where you feel your only recourse is to respond physically.
I might be looking at your anger, and wether this relationship is really the one for you, either of you. I suspect not.

Whatever you decide, see someone about your anger, for yourself so you know who you are, and I wish you all the best.

[Yoda]

A relationship needs trust and respect. You and she need to work on those if you want a stable relationship.

[Bill3]

but she is worried (to the extent that she might not want to be in this relationship) that one day I will physically hurt her in a serious manner, because of various things I've done in the past.

Emotional pain, intentionally inflicted, and on more than one occasion, is itself a serious matter.

Please seek professional help so as to stop intentionally hurting someone that you love.

[Crazy Hitch]

To be blunt I think you've downplayed your role in some of this. I could point out adverbs you've used to portray yourself as the lesser of the evil (gently reminded her etc).

Whether or not you physically hurt her you've definitely succeeded in emotionally hurting her and she's earned the right to be cautious, based on your behaviour.

I don't know if you're predisposed to violence or domestic violence but the two incidents you mentioned are coming close, in my mind. In fact the police would probably take a dim view if they were ever to become involved - your girlfriend feels threatened. It's an issue you should work on.

[hvert]

Her fear alone is a very bad sign, imo. Being afraid that your partner will physically attack you at some point/being partnered with someone who thinks you will attack them - neither of these are healthy.

I think your actions were outside the norm in both incidents you described. In the first incident, kicking over a can of markers would be bad but more write-off-able. Destroying something she'd already worked on for hours is different. Do you see that difference?

[Bill3]

She then went crying to her friends.

The contempt expressed in this statement, which presumably you wrote when in a calm state of mind, really troubles me.

Originally Posted by Bill3

The contempt expressed in this statement, which presumably you wrote when in a calm state of mind, really troubles me.

I agree. OP you stated she had lack of empathy when she stayed up later than you wished, but this statement shows a lack of empathy on your part too.

[avlady]

i also say you should get counseling if you are going to keep persuing this relationship.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by birdieputt

My gf and I have been dating for 15 months. We are very happy together most of the time, but she is worried (to the extent that she might not want to be in this relationship) that one day I will physically hurt her in a serious manner, because of various things I've done in the past. I’m pretty sure I won't physically hurt her, since I love her very much and want her to be healthy and alive, but since she keeps mentioning it, it has created some doubt in my mind (maybe one day I WILL hurt her?! am I really a monster?!)

Some examples of past events that's led to her believe her safety is at risk (sorry these might be rambly but I’ll do my best to be succinct):

Event #1:
She wanted to make a costume for a party one evening. I told her I was very tired and said would be nice if we can finish by 10pm so I can go to bed by 11pm. She agreed. However she ended up going way past 10pm and so I gently reminded her that I’d like to rest. She ignored me. So I complained more intensely. Then we started arguing. I felt annoyed, especially by the fact that she didn’t show any empathy or apologise for going way past the time which we agreed on. In the heat of the argument, I impulsively ripped apart the cardboard costume she spend 2 hours making. Obviously, she was very pissed off, so we argued for another few hours, before I made my way back to my own place.

Event #2:
We were in a club for a friend’s birthday party. I found out I lost my card wallet, one she gifted my for my birthday. So I tried to look for it with my phone’s flashlight. I couldn’t find it. So I went back to the restaurant and bar we went to previously in the evening, but couldn’t find it either. I went back to the club, and told my gf I lost the wallet, and I tried to find it, etc. She then started hurling verbal abuse at me, some of which were actually quite hurtful (which I do not mind, but the way she said it she definitely had the INTENTION of hurting me, which I DO mind). Instead of hurling verbal abuse back at her, I splashed my glass of champagne on her face. She went livid…which was kind of the point. She then went crying to her friends. I am now seen as the “bad guy” by all her friends (not complaining, maybe I do deserve that title).

Obviously looking back, it’s clear that I should’ve reacted in a much calmer and mature manner. Let things cool down, take a few deep breathes, etc. I probably have some anger management issues I need to work on. But should I be concerned that one day this will escalate into me physically hurting her? If so, what should I do about this?

To answer specifically to the question, if being predisposed is supposed to somehow predict how you will behave in the future, no. I don't think that anyone can predict their future behavior, heck sometimes we can't even predict what we'll do in five minutes let alone years later.

but to be more precise to your real concerns, you do seem to have issues with how you handle anger, irritation and such. I commend you on the fact that you're being self analytical enough to notice these things because for the most part those that wind up going too far behaviorally related to anger are either in denial they have a problem or have done nothing to even look at what they do, so this is a huge plus for you and gives you a big opportunity to become self aware and change your behavior.

On another note though, your gf seems to have a mean streak when it comes to anger also. Two volatile personalities together can sometimes feed the fire a lot. So although you can't change her directly, or at all, be aware that you're not the only one that seems to struggle with how to behave when angry.

Therapy may help but even though some may say that getting into anger management itself may help, I would go further to say that anger is an emotion, and it's not only how you behave when angry that is the problem. Thing is how we behave period is much deeper and just learning what your (I hesitate to use this overly used word) triggers are and the underlying force for your behavior will go much further. General therapy for self, or even if not therapy, self learning will help a lot.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'd check out a doctor/professional to be sure.. there's the risk to hurt another person, after all

[birdieputt]

thank you everyone for all your helpful insights and advice...the general consensus is that I should seek professional help...meanwhile, I've made a promise to her and myself that I will do my best to not cause any physical destruction or react in a physical manner when I'm emotional...

Originally Posted by birdieputt

thank you everyone for all your helpful insights and advice...the general consensus is that I should seek professional help...meanwhile, I've made a promise to her and myself that I will do my best to not cause any physical destruction or react in a physical manner when I'm emotional...

I hope you get the help you need and have a happy life. You sound very reasonable and take all the advise in stride without getting defensive. I find that impressive and feel it's a good sign. It's a smart person who can see when they are wrong and you'd be surprised how many people are incapable of doing so. Keep the open mind and you will be successful. We support you.

[birdieputt]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I hope you get the help you need and have a happy life. You sound very reasonable and take all the advise in stride without getting defensive. I find that impressive and feel it's a good sign. It's a smart person who can see when they are wrong and you'd be surprised how many people are incapable of doing so. Keep the open mind and you will be successful. We support you.

Thanks @ElsaMars. The problem is I fail to be reasonable when someone I love dearly disrespects me and tries to hurt my feelings.

[Bill3]

Thanks @ElsaMars. The problem is I fail to be reasonable when someone I love dearly disrespects me and tries to hurt my feelings.

When you go nuclear on her the fact that she was hurtful gets forgotten.

Originally Posted by birdieputt

Thanks @ElsaMars. The problem is I fail to be reasonable when someone I love dearly disrespects me and tries to hurt my feelings.

We can't fix problems we don't know exsist or don't admit are problems. You are over that hurdle and some can never jump that particular hurdle so you're ahead of the game in some ways. Get some help....some anger management and DBT as well as some one in one therapy will probably take you far. You are smart and that will take you far. You have to really want to change though. Good luck and keep us posted if you are up to it.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by birdieputt

Thanks @ElsaMars. The problem is I fail to be reasonable when someone I love dearly disrespects me and tries to hurt my feelings.

But disrespecting her, hurting her feelings, and hurting her physically (or hurting her property) isn't the solution. See a psychiatrist and get some help with your anger management problem. It sounds like you want to change before you do something you will really regret, so I think getting that help is the right move.

[wildflowersinmytea]

This is physical violence in both cases at it was a physical act of aggression intended to hurt, punish or scare her (for hurting you verbally/emotionally). It sounds like you should not drink at least while you pursue a long period of therapy, self-growth and anger management. My boyfriend when I was a teen started like this and eventually did hit me and choke me, etc.