Lonely social recluse

Like the nasty recluse spiders, as opposed to the "social butterfly." I can't make relationships... I'm doomed to dark holes. If anyone comes near I just suck the life out of them with my darkness, it's my instinct, spiders don't overcome instincts.
I went to a wedding last night, it was beautiful, an awesome wedding, and I'm glad they married because they're so great for each other. But it was really painful for me to go. Even though I was around all the people I know the most, I was totally alone. Everyone was having a great time with the couple, really "living," and I couldn't join in. I was on the outside, noticably so, even got called a party-pooper when I didn't join in the dancing... joined in soon after despite my anxiety, but stuck out like a sore thumb. Ended up leaving, though I would have liked to stay around people, because I'm just too negative, and I hate to be such a negative piece in such a joyful event.
I can't stand it, I'm so lonely. I've tried so many times to join in with people, make friendships, and I fail in everything. I know I'll never fit in with people. I can't even fit in with people online anymore. I can't talk with anyone.

I can totally relate to your aloneness. I've always felt the same way, an outsider. Even last weekend I hosted a small dinner party in an effort to coerce myself into more socializing (its said to get better with practice for those recluses among us) and heard everyone enjoyed themselves. But...I didn't. I felt like background music. That's how it tends to be, feeling invisible much of the time.
As for feeling suicidal, it sounds like you are thoughtful at least. some consolation huh? I've been told the same thing. As in; oh how thoughtful of you to pack your apartment before trying to kill yourself, etc. But, your despair and hopelessness are still in charge obviously, keep holding your breath cause eventually you'll probably get a cocktail of meds to improve things.
I've been visiting this site for a few weeks and you all are so supportive. It's amazing how much grace and forgiveness we ooffer to others that we wouldn't give to ourselves. My T brings that to my attention alot. (By the way, from another forum on T hugs, I haven't had any touch from my T because I was afraid to ask-fear of rejection- and thought she might consider it inappropriate. Lately, though, I've really wanted one. I've been seeing her over a year now and am starting to get a little dependant on her, which is very scary..but, at least we're talking I guess.)

Anyway, thanks y'all for being so good to each other. Life really does suck but until God is gracious enough to pardon us, it 's good to have something- like the support here- to hold on to.

I thought I was reading about myself when I saw your original post. Although I don't feel that I'm negative around people, quite the contrary. I try to act chipper and say hello and make smalltalk but that's where it stops. I've always, always felt like an outsider. Theonly time I didnt feel like an outsider was when I was in junior high and got involved with the "wrong" crowd. Even that didn't last.

Some people are just destined to be lonely I think no matter what we try to do. My sister is the same way. She said she doesn't even try to amke friends anymore because she knows they wont like her. What can we don, I don't know.

Around my husband's family, when I open my mouth to speak, they all wait for me to stutter or say something stupid, which is what I usually do around them. I don't know why this happens to me. It is very depressing. My husband doesn't even speak to me anymore, just screams. He cannot stand me, the the feeling is mutual. I feel sorry for my 2 kids.

I think I'll just give up and stay by self and continue to read cookbooks and shallow types of books and browse the internet.

I feel like that when I can't find anything I like to do. When I have a fun hobby, being alone doing it doesn't feel lonely. There's a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. I do feel lonely, a lot, since my husband left. Sometimes though, I find myself enjoying the aloneness. I get to do what I want, when I want and just end up enjoying myself. Sometimes, I feel hopelessly alone and unable to make friends or stay in touch with the ones I used to have. I was a social butterfly before I started dating my husband. Now that he's gone, I'm having to learn all over again how to interact and socialize. It's not an easy thing since I have social anxiety too. I either act like an idiot, over-compensating for my feelings of inadequacy or I hide in a corner under a dark cloud so everyone will avoid me. It's a catch 22. I understand how painful it is, believe me and I'm sorry you feel so alone. I wish I could help. You said that you can't even talk to people online anymore but you did very well here and you got replies so just keep talking. I'm here and I'm listening.
hugs
tina

Did ya ever think, maybe, that you're not the one who's crazy?

wow, this place is great. too bad i allready had a few too many and no one;s around

Stick around... people will find you here .

Welcome to the forums.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

Tao,

I always had feelings of total isolation in crowds. I used to go skating with tons of ppl I knew and felt so alone I thought I couldn't stand it. My t said it's called "depersonalization". Your inner self just can't take anymore and it shuts down your feelings to save you. With t and meds to control my panic and depression, I am much, much better. I still sometimes depersonalize, but it is only after a huge, huge stress that I can't handle. Perhaps this is part of what is happening to you?

January

wow, Susan, so many new people in this thread! this is great! i understand the social issues as i used to have really intense feelings about being around people. i'm somewhat better now. i got a job where i HAVE to interact with patients over and over. it is helping me alot. i am more self-confident. i worked for a year where there were never more than four people in the house at a time and i got lulled into thinking i had my anxieties under control. well, i didn't. my meds are helping me alot. if any of you aren't seeing a doc, please do. and try to find a therapist that you can talk to easily. it's really important to share our feelings about this. one time i went to the OU-Texas game and made it to our seats but when everyone stood up and cheered, i bolted out of there, hailed a taxi and went back to the hotel. when it hit me that there were 61,999 people there with me, i lost it! i'm much more at ease online than i am facing someone. good luck and keep posting. pat

(((((((((((((((TAO))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry your feeling like this. Lonleyness is agony. I have felt it myself many times, still do. I think it was good that you pushed yourself to get out there and dance even though you didnt particularly want to. But ya did and you should be happy about that. I wanted to let you know, that we are all here for you, day or night. Always. Your never alone. Your more hen welcome to PM me if need be.
Take care and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Just curious... this post was origonally made in June of 2004. How in the world did it pop back up?

Tao, I hope you are doing well now. I know what it's like to wear those shoes. It's a crappy thing to not have friends.

ryan

Ryan, Eva1der did it...have a look at the dates

oops sry ... more of my "confused" issues

Dear sweet Eva... it's quite alright. You're great.

Ryan