Absolutely crushed by what I've seen. Need advice on what to do. :(

Hi all,

I've just returned home after seeing my long distance boyfriend for a few days. I'm 18 and he's 27. We met on an online game this time last year and started to grow really close this summer. I've never felt so close to anyone in my life. We've spoken online for several hours every single day since July and met in person for the first time in October. He had only just broken up with his girlfriend a couple of weeks before we met, so we didn't become a couple until recently. He's been such a gentleman knowing I'm so much younger than him and still a virgin, and has said he wants to take things slow because he respects me so much.

I was worried about us getting together so quickly so soon after ending things with his girlfriend because he was with her for such a long time and she was closer to his age, but he managed to make me feel so much better and ease my worries. He said he had been unhappy with his girlfriend for a very long time and had fallen out of love and that I'm the one he loves. Apparently she was completely selfish and possessive of him. It made him miserable and he could never have a life outside of her. She used him and neglected him.

I had such a lovely time with my boyfriend the last few days. Saturday we arranged to go out with one of his friends who I also know from the online game we play together. My boyfriend asked me to text his friend to let him know he was running late, so I grabbed his phone and did so. I was so upset and shocked at what I then saw...

His ex girlfriends name was quite high up in his list of text messages. I knew they were still talking — my boyfriend made me aware of this and said she's been having a hard time with the break up and pestering him a lot because she knows he's with me now. However, when I saw the most recent message under her name I quickly became aware this wasn't what was going on... My heart was racing and I panicked, my emotions got the better of me, so I clicked her name and saw my boyfriend had sent her loads of texts without a response from her. The last message she actually sent to him was 3 weeks ago. She told him she couldn't be friends with him because she loved him too much but she would be fine, and told him not to worry about her and that she just wanted him to be happy even if it couldn't be with her. He has sent her like 5 text messages since with no response from her at all... He was saying he hoped she was okay, that he really missed her and their time together, talking with her and hanging out with her, and that he thought the world of her and always would.

I don't know what to do or even think. I didn't tell him I saw the messages as it's just so wrong and inappropriate that I looked in the first place, and I just want to pretend I never did... It was so hard being around him the rest of the weekend, but we've been talking online all day together and he seems happy and so am I. I love him so much. What he said to his ex is still in the back of my mind though and it's really upsetting me. I'm so shocked because he seems so happy with me and I thought he was totally over her. What do you guys think?

Hi, emberlyn, and welcome to Psych Central! It doesn't sound to me like he's over her. I would take things really slowly, being aware you might be a rebound romance. I suggest you look around for other prospects while you are at it.

Hi,

I agree, it doesn't sound like he is over her yet. I might let this one go and look for someone who is more available. The long distance and age difference are challenging enough without this too. It's also bothersome that he was not honest with you. Do you think his girlfriend knew he was chatting with you everyday this summer?

I agree. While you and him were getting close, he was still dating someone else. That is a big red flag. You are the rebound girl, after all, and he still has feelings for the girl he was with while you were getting close. Be careful.

Hello emberlyn: I can only echo what others have posted here. But since I noticed this is your first post here on PC I wanted to say... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

I have a bit of a different take. To me the messages he sent just sound like a caring person would send after a break up. He wasn't asking her to get back together, sounds like he was just reassuring her. I would certainly be careful. But it's not like he told her he still loves her or anything like that. I can imagine he didn't tell you because he didn't want you to think anything of it and also, why should he tell you every little text message he sends?

I don't know. I don't think you need to break up, just tread carefully.

He would not have allowed you ready access to his phone if he thought that he had something incriminating to hide there. Still, he told you a story about this ex that seems to be utterly and completely untrue:

I think it would be worth knowing why he would he chose to lie to you about that relationship. Once the lying has begun, a person starts to wonder what else might be a lie.

Thanks so much guys.

I'm really hoping what seesaw says is the case. What do the rest of you guys feel is the biggest giveaway that he may not be over her?

I keep ruminating over the messages. The fact that he said he's missing their time together really worries me. I'm just surprised as he seems to get so much joy from our conversations and invests a lot of time in me.

The fact that he's repeatedly texting her after she told him they were over and she would be fine....

Thinking of the type of person he is, he always does tasks for people and tries to help everyone out when possible. He wants to be a good person and he feels guilty easily and finds it hard to say no. I'm starting to think that perhaps it makes him feel bad having silence between them and wanted to send her words of comfort. Is that naive of me to assume?

It is hard to explain the discrepancy between what he told you:

and what he told her:

It is just really hard to get those two statements to fit together.

It is also hard to accept his claim that she is "pestering him", when your own eyes told you that that is not the case. If anything, the opposite is the case: she said that she would be fine and did not want to be just his friend.

This guy is a chronic people pleaser.

She has moved on, but the silence is making him anxious that she is mad at him.

This isn't about her. It is about him feeling guilty.

His story about her being possessive doesn't match his actions of texting her weeks after the breakup.

Why would you want to stay in contact with someone who made you unhappy if you didn't need to?

You are not naive. i think you are the more mature one.

Thank you.

I know break ups must be a very emotional time, he was probably feeling angry at her when he said those negative things about her to me, but I know deep down he does want her in his life as a friend as they did spend many years together.

I just hope he doesn't still have feelings. The 'missing our time together' part worried me, and some people on other forums have been saying that he's not over her as well, so it seems the majority think that.

Keeping an ex in one's life can be problematic for two reasons. First of all, keeping the ex around makes it harder to get over him/her. Second, having the ex around often creates problems for the next relationship(s), as you are seeing.

You really want to believe that he is innocent, just naive and overly caring.

sometimes people keep their ex's around as an insurance policy. If it doesn't work out , i can always go back to the ex.

your intuition is telling you something is wrong. it may be nothing, then again....besides

you can always ask to meet her.

see how that goes over..

if it feels wrong , it probably is.

That's just it though, things feel great between us. He invests a lot of time in me and is so wonderful to me.

The texts to her are the only red flag and really took me by surprise. I hope it's as you say that he's just feeling really guilty and doesn't want her to hate him and said he is missing her to show her he isn't heartless.

Sorry I keep going on about it. It's can't stop ruminating about it at the moment.

You could ask him about it.

If you ask him, i suggest that your overall manner be "I don't understand and it is really bothering me", rather than "Why did you lie to me?"

If you ask, be prepared for him to get defensive. Stay on your message that you are not accusing him, you just don't understand and ot bothers you and you love him and really want to understand. If he does not ever give you a straight answer, if he attacks you and focuses on the fact that you saw his messages--well that would be a huge red flag in my opinion.

I do not blame you for having this on your mind. You are posting approporiately; post as much as you want/need to.

Okay guys... I asked him about it. As you know it's been really bothering me and I couldn't keep it in any longer. I made sure I wasn't accusing him and I'm SO glad I told him as it's a big worry off my shoulders and I feel so much better. He was really nice about it too, he just seemed embarrassed. This is what he said:

oh my gosh you did??

im so sorry

you know what im like

i feel bad easily

hurting her made me feel like absolute s***

i just wanted to let her know how bad i felt and how sorry i am

i dont want her to think of me as some d***

Well done emberlyn! ☺

I'm glad things turned out alright for you

Well done! Sounds like a positive step in building the foundation of your relationship. His response was telling in a good way.