[Rose76]

I saw something on someone's facebook wall that I wondered if it was intended for me. You know how people post those things that are pictures with quotations that are possibly meant as a slam at someone, but it's too non-specific to be sure?

Someone in my boyfriend's family posted something like that. It might have nothing at all to do with me. But I actually got depressed today wondering if it was directed at me.

My boyfriend's daughter is not close with me. There were some hard feelings in the past. She has apologized. I show him things on facebook and post his comments for them to see. Just innocent things about him thinking his grand kids are cute, etc. Seldom do I make comments on his kids facebook pages. When I have put a message to his daughter, about her father's health, she barely acknowledges it. So I post little. Now I see this thing on her wall and I wonder.

Maybe I'm paranoid.

[NewCommer]

My comment might not be the best, BUT in cases like yours i tend to be cynical, either i ignore it because it has no name, ask who is it about OR joke about it.

It's not the best, but don't let public gossip get into you.
Be safe, and thanks for the earlier reply

[Crazy Hitch]

Hopefully it is paranoia. I post random things on Facebook that are not intended for one particular recipient (unless I've tagged and named someone).

[Rose76]

I really wish people wouldn't use facebook to be hurtful.

My boyfriend's children have political views to which they are entitled. But his son posts lots of things saying that people with opposing political views are the scum of the earth. My political leanings are different from my bf's kids'. I don't denounce the people of any political leaning. I have relatives and friends on the right and on the left. I would not treat anyone with scorn, based on who they vote for.

Also, I don't use facebook to broadcast that I am upset with someone. I wish there was less of that going on.

[Crazy Hitch]

I stay away from political / religious posts on Facebook. I'm not there for the backstage drama - it's just a means to stay connected to my family who are overseas.

Consider the option of "unfollowing" people if there are repeat offenders who upset you. It doesn't "unfriend" them, it's just that their posts don't show up in your feed; but you can still click on their profile to see what they've posted; when you're up to it.

[divine1966]

That is why I resist being on facebook. I am still not. No I am not stuck in a mud. Lol but from what I am reading and hearing it only causes problems. I continue resisting it.

Unless you were close friends off line I wouldn't have been Facebook friends with her in the first place. I myself maintain a friends list that strictly includes only those I actually know offline.

My answer, unfriend her - and cull down your friends on social media.

As for the post. I wouldn't assume it was about you unless it was specifically directed at you. Ignore it. Don't stir anything up.

[MickeyCheeky]

If that happens quite often to you, I'd suggest to cut down the time you spend on social networks.. it could be helpful.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I saw something on someone's facebook wall that I wondered if it was intended for me. You know how people post those things that are pictures with quotations that are possibly meant as a slam at someone, but it's too non-specific to be sure?

Someone in my boyfriend's family posted something like that. It might have nothing at all to do with me. But I actually got depressed today wondering if it was directed at me.

My boyfriend's daughter is not close with me. There were some hard feelings in the past. She has apologized. I show him things on facebook and post his comments for them to see. Just innocent things about him thinking his grand kids are cute, etc. Seldom do I make comments on his kids facebook pages. When I have put a message to his daughter, about her father's health, she barely acknowledges it. So I post little. Now I see this thing on her wall and I wonder.

Maybe I'm paranoid.

Paranoia is very easily induced on social media and FB is one of the sites imo that is responsible for a lot of breakups of friendships, and more intimate relationships due to it's nature. it's become a place to quickly slam or praise people without having to deal directly with them. Your paranoia if we are to call it that, is not unique to your experience. people everyday see posts and wonder things like "was that at me?"

personally I don't use it at all anymore but I also know prior to leaving fb, I found ways to ignore people that for any reason I thought posted things I didn't want to see. you can do it without even unfriending people but choosing not to follow them. It removes their posts from your feed so it's not in your face but you can still see their posts by going to their page. Just a suggestion.

[Rose76]

I never was friends with her. My boyfriend has his own facebook page that I set up for him. I let his kids know and they all befriended him, plus some of his grandkids. His family lives on the other side of the country and he doesn't see much of them. This was a way for him to see nice photos of family gatherings. They seemed glad to have him in their loop.

He has mild dementia and needs my help to access facebook. I show him pictures that are nice. If he makes a nice comment, I type it in quotes . . . with his initials after it. (They know he can't type on-line.) Rarely do I put anything from me there. When he's been sick, I've used his fb account to send updates to his kids in the form of private messages. (Like when he was in the hospital.) They have messaged back "Thanks for the update."

One of his children noticed my fb page and requested to be fb friends with me. I accepted and don't take any of his stuff personally. He "likes" different things I put up that are just good natured things like pretty scenery where we live. He's the one who posts a lot of extreme nasty political stuff, but I don't take that personally.

What his daughter posted may have had nothing to do with me. I need to just stop thinking about it. I probably shouldn't even message her updates. She takes forever to even acknowledge them. (They are very few and far between - like maybe 3 times in the past year, involving her father going in and out of the hospital.) She seemed really glad of getting one of them. I only do this to save her having to call me. I know she doesn't particularly want to talk to me on the phone.

I need to not make any assumptions and put less mental energy into this.

[divine1966]

To all honesty his children aren't your responsibility. I understand you mean well but maybe it's time to stop bothering. Imho

[Shazerac]

Facebook is dangerous territory. I see posts that get me so upset that I cry. Especially after this election. I too was told I'm a selfish person and scum of the earth. I had to unfreind a few people and I had to block my sister because she was going into psychotic rages about me in my page. Avoid toxic people, either unfollow them or unfriend them. Protect yourself.

I can only echo the recommendation to 'unfollow', it's not as aprupt as unfriending but it means you won't see their timeline posts unless you click on their profile.

I have unfollowed a couple of people who I didn't appreciate seeing their posts - nothing personal to me. In my case they weren't close at all, in your case I can see for your bf's sake you would want to check profile sometimes for family photos etc.

I too dislike those passive aggressive type vague posts - a young relative was targeted in that way and I see the pain it can cause. My advice to her was to disengage and be cautious around that person, but know that it said more about the poster than anyone else.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Paranoia is very easily induced on social media and FB is one of the sites imo that is responsible for a lot of breakups of friendships, and more intimate relationships due to it's nature. it's become a place to quickly slam or praise people without having to deal directly with them. Your paranoia if we are to call it that, is not unique to your experience. people everyday see posts and wonder things like "was that at me?"

personally I don't use it at all anymore but I also know prior to leaving fb, I found ways to ignore people that for any reason I thought posted things I didn't want to see. you can do it without even unfriending people but choosing not to follow them. It removes their posts from your feed so it's not in your face but you can still see their posts by going to their page. Just a suggestion.

Thanks everyone for helping ne get through this. I quote s4ndn4n, above, as expressing really well this ability that fb gives people to slam others in a cowardly way - without really facing the person. I'm not saying that's happened to me. This was subtle and I really have no idea what was on her mind - maybe no one in particular.

I've never before had any negative emotional reaction to fb, other than disliking the mean-spirited political stuff. I do understand about unfollowing people, and I'm glad of that option.

I know people who have had fb wars of snide remarks that destroyed connections between close relatives. That is awfully sad. I would never have anything to do with that. It really is a temptation to the worst that is in people. I think some people post things when they are drinking.

On balance, I think fb is a good thing. It is new and I wonder if people have always thought through what they do on fb.

Here's an example I feel I can share here. My sig. other and I had a troubled relationship and stopped living together years ago. But the love is still there, and I am with him a great deal of the time, enabling him to continue living outside of a nursing home, and I enjoy our companionship. My friend's son posted a thing on fb saying, "I wish the government would at least send me pictures of the ghetto family I am supporting!"

Well, if I was a real snark, I could have commented, "Just open your own photo album and there you go." His father is very low income and gets every form of help the social safety net offers, plus a ton of free help from me. This relieves his children of any responsibility and leaves them free of worry. But I wouldn't ever post anything like that.

The whole source of the coldness toward me by his daughter is that she has whined to me at the worst possible moments that she wonders how in the world they are going to finance the "final arrangements" for their father, since he is leaving no money. (Her home has a market value of over $600,000.) When her father was in ICU possibly dying, she called me to say, "Do you think he would mind being cremated?" I just said, "Sorry, I have to go." and I hung up. So she called right back, leaving a message, crying about how I did not realize how stressed out she was. It's her father. I separated from him long ago, but remain devoted to him. His children can bury him anyway they like. It's not my business. That's the whole source of the friction between her and me. She called me two years ago asking about cremation. I told her that I can't tell her what to do. He's her father. She could ask him.

If I were to bury him here where he lives, it would cost his kids more to fly out here to the funeral than they seem to want to spend. They don't try to have a sincere, honest conversation about any of this.

Issues between people do, most of the time, seem to come down to money.

She posted a thing about how, even after she forgives people, she never trusts them. Well, good for her. I have little reason to trust her, but I try to be helpful when that seems appropriate and bother her next to never.

I just want to take care of my friend, whom I love, for the time he has left . . . which I don't think will be maybe two years at most. He hasn't seen most of his family in years. Two years ago, they invited us out. But they said we would have to fly into New York, but fly out of New Jersey. (to convenience them picking us up.) Nutty as that was, I was willing. But when their father saw how much more the tickets would cost, he lost interest. Plus, he was very weak and could barely walk. The flight back would have involved a layover and dragged out the journey to double the time.

Sorry for what turned into a rant.

I'm going to try to have a productive day and get over this.

[~Christina]

Unfollow is best in this situation.

For me ,

It's my Facebook. I post what I like and ignore the rest. I have close friends that we absolutely have opposing views on certain things, it's ok we agreed long ago to scroll right past stuff that would bother each other.

I agree with what was mentioned above you should give up trying to get his children to give a damn.

He's extremely lucky to have you in his life.

I love FB, but I don't friend people I don't know, and I feel perfectly comfortable unfollowing people whose posts bother me. I don't have to do that very often; most of the people I FB with are good people and we just use FB to keep in touch and share some fun. Another recommendation that has helped is FBPurity. It is an extension that helps you personalize FB to hide things you just don't want to see -- everything from ads to trending topics, etc. It only works on computers (not tablets or phones unfortunately), but it has definitely improved my FB feed. Here's a link: F.B. Purity - Clean up and Customize Facebook

[eskielover]

I have local friends IRL on FB who during the election season were slamming the other side. I actually responded once asking if that was really what they thought I was like & expressed my opinion on the issue so they had a REAL understanding of where the other side was coming from rather than the shallow view she had picked up from the media.

She said she knew I wasn't like that & it actually got a good discussion going. After that, she decided not to post those kinds of comments any longer. Hmmm maybe it was a learning experience to not be so quick to generalize the way the rest of the media loves to do because they don't interface with those it touches personally.

I am not keen on FB but after leaving everyone I knew for 54 years of my life, this keeps me in touch with those who did matter in my life & local activities I sometimes get so busy I would otherwise miss

[divine1966]

To all honesty since two of you weren't married I don't believe you can burry him. It would have to be them. Or you have power of attorney? I certainly hope you aren't paying for his funeral. It is crazy they don't come see him and instead rely on you. What would they do if you weren't there?

Is there a better way for everyone to maintain contact? The phone? Email? Even letter writing?

Using your significant other's account - regardless of whether you opened it or not - sets up several ethical arguments for me.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Is there a better way for everyone to maintain contact? The phone? Email? Even letter writing?

Using your significant other's account - regardless of whether you opened it or not - sets up several ethical arguments for me.

As far as I can tell she's not using his account. She stated she helps him with his account because he has trouble accessing it. If it were in secret and she was using his account I would have ethical arguments too but in this case its neither without his knowledge or snooping.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by divine1966

To all honesty since two of you weren't married I don't believe you can burry him. It would have to be them. Or you have power of attorney? I certainly hope you aren't paying for his funeral. It is crazy they don't come see him and instead rely on you. What would they do if you weren't there?

You know - you make a very good point!

I am the primary P.O.A., with his eldest as the secondary. I had been thinking that I did not have the obligation to make all final arrangements. But I actually don't have any moral right . . . and possibly no legal right.

If they didn't claim the body, I would bury him. But they're not that empty of decency.

If I didn't exist, he would simply be in a nursing home. The VA here even offered to help place him in a veterans' home near them. They said that was fine. He was almost going to go . . . . then he thought better on it. He loves his apartment, which is handicap-accessible and very cute and comfortable. He decorated it all himself, when he could walk . . . and planted a garden outside the door. We are in a nice mild climate. I take him to all his appointments. He has a nice set-up . . . and so do they.

[Rose76]

They didn't call him Christmas eve or Christmas day. I feel so bad for him. I know this is off topic compared to my original post.

This man provided well for his family. Then, 20 years into the marriage, his wife fell out of love. She found someone else and pursued divorce. He fell apart and drank himself into homelessness. Then he turned things around a bit, met me and he and I have been together - sort of - for many years. He is old now and in failing health . . . can't hardly walk. He lives on his Social Security. I stay with him to provide the care he needs. I do this for free. He's in clean, comfortable, attractive surroundings. He hasn't drank in almost 20 years. He's not bothering anyone. When they call him, he just wants to know if they are all okay. He's not an attention hound. He complains about nothing.

I don't think he'll live more than another year or two . . . if that. He's not a burden to his kids in any way.

They seem like decent people - more or less.

Yet . . . Christmas . . . they don't call to say "Hi Dad."

I'm horrified. I'm depressed tonight.

[divine1966]

I am sorry. It's sad. Please don't allow it to depress you. My husband has pretty damn backwards and semi nasty family too. its upsetting. But we can't do nothing here. Hope you two have good holidays and don't worry about his kids being nasty. You can't change them

[Rose76]

Thanks divine. No . . . . . . I can't change them. I didn't expect they'ld be this heartless . . . . not to a man who isn't that far from the end of his days.

Well, I'll still show him face book pics . . . but I won't put up "likes" for awhile. Not when they seem to think an exchange on fb counts as remembering their father on a major holiday. I think, if I even open his fb page, it shows up on their fb pages as him being active on fb, so maybe I won't even open him on fb.

As it is, I don't show him all their political posts - some of which are so nasty. It's interesting to see the personal family values - or lack thereof - that go with their political leanings.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I actually posted a week or so ago about how I got so upset at a post, i laid awake till 5am pissed off. It pretty much said that people on social security are scum and the guy went so far as to call them a racist slur. He was clearly wasted. When I woke up the next morning he had deleted it by then. So good, the guy knew he was out of line. But I obsessed about it all night and even brought it up in therapy. My T thought it was crazy that I was so upset.

So what I decided to do is TRY and stay off there. I seriously check fb 20 times a day out of boredom and every time I feel worse about myself. My T wants me to keep a planner starting on the new year and I'm going to keep a tally every day of how many times I check my fb. And every day I'll try and check it less and less. If that doesn't work then well I guess it's time to deactivate and delete the app for a few days or longer.