Finding Humor in Dysfunction

I have to try to find the humor in the sucky sexually dysfunctional issue between me and my h.

It's so not funny. I have to try to make it funny because I just don't want to be sad and cry about it anymore. I just have to try to laugh.

I called him a matzo ball this morning. That was mean and not funny, but it actually is funny and I am laughing about that now.

I said "What do I want from you anyway, you're just a matzo ball?" OMG, it's such a nightmare.

It's like having a nightmare and only when you learn to laugh at it, it will go away.

It is my fate to be trapped in hell. Ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha

Humor is one way that we can use to cope with dysfunction. As long as it is funny to both people I find it very helpful, however if it is as the expense of the other person it would be considered rude or hurtful. Just make sure both of you are laughing.

Oh we're not laughing. I just don't know how else to cope.

This is all part of our "torture foreplay". This won't stop until I am beaten and crushed. Then we will have sex, and I will feel normal again. Who am I kidding? There's no laughing. There's no changing. There's only this dysfunction, it's a well-oiled machine.

It's hard to describe the seering pain. If there is a hell, I am in it. Mind, body and spirit seering fire, burning pain.. broken body, heart, hopeless, helpless, praying for death

This is our foreplay.

Is there a prize for the sickest relationship? Do we win?

He got me good. Here goes the SH. Here goes the scene in front of the kids. Here goes any semblance of normalcy. I don't give a **** what anyone thinks anymore. He got me good. I am conditioned to hurt myself in response to his incapabilities in bed. Insidious beatings. This genius got me to beat myself.

I'm a Cymbalta, a Cannabidoil capsule, two Aleve, one Kahlua travel shot bottle, and one shot of cognac in... going for more... someone else will drive my son to school. I'll try not to beat my head. Just go for my gut this time. Here we go. There's no one to stop this. No cops, no docs, no kids, no one to help me. Insidious beatings he conditioned me to do to myself. While he functions just fine. One day I'm gonna expose him to the world. I'll do it when I'm dead.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this :/

They know what's happening. They're watching me do it. They're tip toeing around it. The warmth falls over me like a fog from the 2nd shot of cognac. My wrists are too sprained and arthritic to punch myself anyway. My neck hurts, muscles so tight. My hands burn and tingle numb while typing. My bones break down. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

It just feels good to type this and put it to words from my tormented mind. I don't even look while i type. Where does it go? Does God listen?

I pay for the sins of my fathers. The seeds of decay in the fruits of pleasure.

I took the easy road that proved to be the rockiest.

Was there a reason that was bigger than myself?

I don't care about this stupid man. He can go to hell. I just melt back to the earth.

You say you are sorry so much. You are very empathic. I'm sorry you are depressed. I'm sorry too, for everyone who suffers.

And you're in Italy. How cool is that! I imagine everyone speeding around on their scooters.

I want to run away to Italy!

Maybe we should visit MickeyCheeky together. Lately, my sister has been visiting every summer. She bought a place a bit inland from Naples with a portion of her divorce settlement.
Personally, I have been thinking of road trips; if I don't find a job after the bit of work I do every Spring; I plan to visit Só leigheas in New Mexico when I go out to visit part of my family.
You need to plan something to give you a break from this nightmare so that you at least have something to look forward to. Maybe something with your kids so that they see you at your best! (No H's allowed)

Maybe a new writing project? I hear so much disappointment in yourself here. It's not too late in your life to achieve more. Don't blame yourself for his inadequacies. It sounds like he is unwilling to admit his faults in this dreadful situation -- that does not mean you are not right. You seem extremely smart to me. He should treat you more kindly than all of this!!

I'm ok now. Only the few shots of booze before 9 a.m. And slept it off. My kids are awesome. They love me no matter what. That man is a matzo ball!

Why? Why find humor in dysfunction?

Make a profile on a dating site already.

That was all I was going to say, but I'll add this bit more.....I feel very hurt and frustrated that all my advice to you has been tossed away. I won't scream, or kick, or stomp anymore. I'm done with that side of me in this situation.

You're only going to cause your untimely demise staying with H.

None of your advice has been tossed away. I flip flop on a dime. I am sickly dependent on this man's treatment of me for my mood. This dysfunction is a well-oiled machine twenty years in operation.

We went to the therapist last night. I was saying I want out when we are through co-parenting, and I am just biding my time. But, he and the therapist reminded me that I turn on a dime. As soon as my husband acts like a normal, sexual man again, I go back to wanting the marriage.

And it is him playing his part without a doubt. He admits it.

The T was disappointed in me. He was hoping we'd leave his office with a positive plan to not try to have sex at all and just act like a family and enjoy being together for a while. I told him I was sorry I disappointed him. I'll put on a nice face while my boys are home from school, but I don't want to be here.

I can't imagine putting myself on a dating site now! I'm imagining what I'd write, oh dear lord! Match.com would no doubt pair me up with my own husband! There's no way I would want to start dating those 70 + year old men who would be the ones who would even consider dating me!

We also talked about how ridiculously dull we are and addicted to tech. T said it's an epidemic. People don't do things anymore and relate together. Everyone is watching TV or on their electronics. This has also been a huge issue with my h. He is a total tech addict, he always was. The TV is never off, plus he is on his iPhone constantly.

The whole marriage, I have to be (as he calls me) the Social Director. So, if I am severely depressed, no one pulls me up. I am the only one who ever tries to get everyone to do something.