Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

I agree that when you have kids together especially if you both parent well, it's not easy to end it and isn't always for the best. Without kids there is really nothing to hold on to when things are bad. If he has debt it's wise to separate finances. One can consult a lawyer how to handle it

If you divorce him now, you aren't responsible for any further debt.

Color me dense, but why would you be stuck with all of it?

Mapper,

I recently posted a thread about some issues I was having with a friend of mine. People did quickly jump to the 'get rid of her' song. I knew the fact was that they were only hearing about the problem, not the whole relationship. So I replied explaining that we were, in fact, quite close, and that she was in all other respects a great friend who I have a lot of fun with.

So, my point is, you post all these threads about how stressed and mad your husband makes you...is there anything he does that you like? Is there anything about him that you love? Why did you marry him? Can you just help us see the whole picture?

Thanks,
Seesaw

I married him because he was the first man who actually cared enough to stay with me and not leave at the drop of a hat. Other guys would date me for a few months and then all of a sudden just stop calling, stop talking to me and sometimes they'd have the guts to tell me they didn't want to see me anymore and sometimes they just disappeared. It was usually due to the fact that I would always make up excuses as to why I couldn't go out with them or stay overnight with them or travel with them because I had to please my mom who, even though I wasn't living with her, I'd have to be there on Sunday morning to take her to church and spend the day with her because she expected it. So no going away for a weekend with a guy (because all my mom could take away from that is that we'd be sleeping in the same bed. Nothing about being with the person, just the fact that I'm 30 years old and we could possibly be sleeping in the same bed!) Sometimes I'd have to make up excuses as to why I couldn't go somewhere for the day with them because my Mom expected me to hang out with her and I don't want to make my mom mad because then I'd get the silent treatment. H understood that. H stayed with me even when we were long distance for 4 years. He called me, he visited me, I visited him, he wanted me to be with him. He tells me know how much he loves me.

But his actions now are all about what HE wants. He is unhappy at work because it's the slow season and there's nothing to do and they cut out half his commission so why should he continue to work there unless they offer him extra vacation to cover the deduction. He seems to think he is the only person in the shop that this is happening to when it's happening to everyone.Yet apparently sitting at home playing video games and not working at all is what he needs to do. If I confront him on it he just gets angry and then tells me (to cover up) that it's all part of a plan that he's working on. Mostly he feels if he isn't there for a week then they'll realize just how valuable he is and offer him the commission again or give him another perk. Because, you know, in every job he is the BEST person there and deserves everything. And he doesn't seem to care that every time he does this (which is just about every month now) it upsets me so much but he continues to do it. Promises me day after day he'll go in the next day and I know he won't.

Let me rephrase...I'd be stuck with HALF of his debt because in our state the spouse is responsible for half whether you knew about it or not. I'd be stuck with HIS $10,000 student loans, HIS $15,000 credit card debt (which he has never told me about and I only found out because I snooped! He tells me that one card is completely paid off and there's only a couple hundred on the other!), his $10,000 bike loan payment and several other things.

You are incorrect about student loans. They are not part of spouse's responsibility. Unless you were his cosigner. You do need to see a lawyer.

The whole situation just sounds sad. You are with him because he is the only
one who did not to dump you and in exchange you support him financially. It doesn't sound like a good reason but is there anything good about him? Like some good qualities? Besides him staying with you?

Well I'm not getting divorced so no, I don't need to see a laywer.

If you don't plan on divorcing him,what do you plan on doing in order to change your situation?I completely understand your need to vent,but does it change anything?Does it change him?

Do you care about yourself and your own happiness?Do you feel that you matter at all?Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?Do you feel you deserve better or do you feel this is what you deserve?

You don't have to answer those questions,of course,but I am just curious.

I still.dont understand. It sounds like you married him just because he was there and would put up with your mother.

What do you love about him?

Mapper....just wants to vent as she made clear in her reason for this thread.

She has said many times over that she is not going to leave him.

Maybe we should accept that she's venting and not wanting advice.

I understand that, Christina. I'm not advising her of anything. I'm just trying to.understand their relationship. I thought maybe remembering what she loved about him would help.

After years of excuses and trying to raise two kids I left. Best thing I could have done. Twenty two years later he still is 'trying' to find himself and a job.

Question: You have our attention. What do you want us to do about it?

I understand about venting. It just seems that some type of blogging is better. Rather than a forum?

I agree that a blog would be better. Or calling a friend and venting to them. I don't feel this is the appropriate way to use PC. Just complaining is pointless.

Mapper why don't you get a journal and vent and complain in that?

Maybe letting it out helps a bit..

People preach about supporting each other on this site..ok....perhaps letting her vent is the ****ing support she wants/needs...

People redundantly complain about all kinds of **** that they very well could be doing more about on this site...

I don't post much but trying to turn her away really bothered me.

I left a toxic relationship i was in. Moved, did better, made a better life.. Etc.

Then i got in another ****** relationship I'm trying to figuer out now.
It ****ing sucks. No one knows that more than the person dealing with most of the bs. It's not like shes delusional. It's not like shes not living in her reality and not seeing its a **** show.

People do things some of us will never understand or comprehend.

You would/ did leave.. Good for you.

I know first hand how good it is to leave. And i know what it's like to feel stuck or feel like staying is easier than leaving.

Take it day by day... Sometimes hour by hour.

Thank you for this.

Today should be his fifth day of work this week and he hasn't gone in at all. He's had a check waiting there for him since Tuesday but won't even go in to get that even though he has negative in his bank acct. He got a letter from our bank yesterday and he didn't tell me what it said but the only time he gets those are when he's overdrawn. He's had two Amazon requests cancelled due to not enough funds. I even saw his exorbitant lie to his coworker on Facebook saying that he was in a minor accident last weekend and mashed up his knee and tweaked his back and that his knee is fine now but his back is killing him and that he just got back from a physical therapy appt! Every time he takes these weeks off it's a new story about how he hurt his back somehow and he's always going to physical therapy when he's never been in his life!

Now telling me a few days ago that maybe it's time for a new thing and he'll be a cook in a restaurant. That idea lasted half a day. Now last night tells me that he hopes he gets this sales rep job even though they won't even be doing interviews for a month or two and says that maybe he could get a job at one of the pot shops in town and sell pot ( it's legal here) while waiting on an interview. I just about cried! He is moving down, not up, and there is no way I would tell ANYONE that he quit his job to sell pot! Why can't he just go to his current job like every other adult does, even if it's boring? My job, usually busy from March to October, is in its slow season and I go everyday even when I get bored easily and the hours drag! Somehow he thinks he has the right to do whatever he wants and every damn time he gets away with it. He's done this in every job he has but somehow manages to never get fired. And he's not actively looking for another job, just talking about all the possibilities while not going into his current one. Oh he may look at Craigslist for 10 minutes but then go play his video game for 3 hours because applying for jobs is hard! Not going to his job and moping and complaining about his current job is much easier!

Meanwhile his debts pile up and his daughter just sent him a bill for $400 for her quarter tuition. And we've got a $485 monthly deduction from the IRS because he stupidly withdrew $40000 from his 401k plan two years ago not realizing there was a penalty, even though I told him there would be. The money comes out of my bank acct because there would never be any in his and I'd be just as at fault if we didn't pay. So I am pretty much paying the entire $6000 penalty when it was all HIS fault.

My birthday is the day after Christmas and all I wanted to do was go see a movie and maybe dinner but we can't even do that because he doesn't have a penny to his name because he won't go get his check and my birthday should be the one day out of the year I shouldn't have to pay for anything!

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday to me!

I'm not so inclined to agree. Certainly this isn't always the case. In my opinion wishing to vent suggests one is looking for validation. Validation isn't always warranted. Sometimes, validation only encourages an act or behavior that is self-destructive.

I disagree frequently around here I realize. I don't speak my mind flagrantly. I do so when I feel it is important that all views - even when they might be difficult - are important to the discussion. This is not to be hurtful rather an effort to look at the whole picture and offer constructive criticism when neccessary.

Mapper, I understand that writing this out is helping you in some way to process what you are going through.

I do remember some psychology from support work training a few years back in which we learned about the phases of change, they went like this:

Pre-contemplation - Contemplation - Preparation - Action - Maintenance.

Our trainer instilled in us if we were to take just one thing away from our course he hoped it would be the realisation that pre-contemplation and contemplation phases can last for a very long time (& not to push someone in those phases either). I have seen this a lot on PC, not just you, many of us post when we are in this phase, it's where we are at that time, it gives relief to express it.

@Imalooney, it's frustrating not to be acknowledged though...

Most of us are, by now, aware that Mapper is simply venting and wants no "advice", but unless that's stated from the beginning, how are we to know this?...(it wasn't in the beginning, and isn't always) We aren't mind-readers....Lots of people have wasted lots of "breath" (for want of a better word) on sympathizing and offering suggestions. Personally, I like people to be happy and if I have an idea, then I'm more than happy to offer it. However, if it's not wanted, I would like to know that ahead of time.

I, for one, appreciate Mapper putting a disclaimer at the beginning of her posts. But I wish she would also not answer and (by answering) encourage even MORE thoughtful and possible points for her to ponder when she doesn't want to ponder anything (which is 100% absolutely fine and good).
I feel badly for all of the people thinking that they're offering advice and being ignored.

There are two sides of the screen with any post here, Imalooney, and I don't think that it's fair to slam those who have trouble with this kind of posting.

As always, best wishes and good luck, Mapper

It's good to vent

It is good.to vent but even if it's just venting, this is a support forum and just because all.you want to do is vent, it doesn't mean others won't comment on your post. Everyone has the ability to take others opinions or leave them.