Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

Sorry, wrong choice of words. I didn't mean to understate what she was feeling.

I think there is an interesting dynamic here that he is basically controlling her emotions by making her walk on eggshells around his emotional reactions. Textbook codependency going on here. I recommend the OP check out a codependents anonymous meeting. I'm sure they have one in her town. Plus it's totally anonymous, and she could just say she's going to run errands, or going to a church meeting or bible study, something innocuous.

Seesaw

Or..she could attend online meetings,even more convenient.But really,I don't see the need to hide it if she decides to attend.

No I wouldn't respond to this at home. You are correct that I wouldn't want him to see my on this site. Also, I mean I have a couple hours to myself every night, but my computer at home is so damn slow that it would take 156 minutes to type and send a response compared to the 2 minutes it takes at work.

Correct, no advice needed.

I,for one,will refrain from giving you any further advice.

I do wish you well though Mapper.I hope that one day you can somehow change the miserable life at home you have.I hope one day you become strong enough to say enough is enough and tell him to f*** off and move forward with your life.

Correct. I am constantly thinking ahead to what his reaction is going to be to me doing something. Constantly worried about him getting upset about something minor, like me going out after work with a couple of female coworkers who he knows and likes, even though I've told him 3 times during the week that that's what I'd be doing. For some reason I come home and he makes me feel like I should have been home earlier. Not necessarily by what he says, but how he acts around me (being sarcastic or snubbing me).

He came home early from work on Tuesday complaining of not feeling well. With as much time as he takes off of work it's hard for me to tell when he's actually sick or if he just doesn't want to work. Was complaining of an achy neck and right arm. Didn't go into work yesterday because now he's all congested and coughing and basically acts like he's on death's door with a cold. I'm sure he won't go in today or the rest of the week because he feels crappy and he'll once again only have a few days on his paycheck. Last night it was constant sighing and grunting and loud mouth breathing because he's SO sick, yet when we watched a tv show that he was into, there was not one grunt or sigh or any sign that he was sick. As soon as it was over the sniffing and coughing and general malaise started again. Yet, when I'm sick he always says things like "Oh you're probably just hungover from last night" or "You just don't want to go out tonight". But he gets the sniffles and he just can't function.

I'm going off on a tangent here, but here's a whole other issue that irritates me. Him telling me I'm being ridiculous doing something and then him turning around the next day and doing the EXACT same thing. For example, we have 4 cats and I worry about them because we have had 2 go missing in the past year and I also hear coyotes late at night. We used to let them roam at night but as of last September, after our one went missing, I insisted we keep them in at night and shut the pet door. I like to get them inside by 8:30, sometimes earlier if they all happen to be around so I don't have to go looking for them. For so long he kept getting upset with me for bringing them in that early and if one wanted out after that he would just open the front door and keep it open and let them come and go as they please, even if I had just spent 10 minutes rounding them up so I wouldn't have to go looking for them later. He would go "It's ONLY 8:30 for god's sake, let them be out another hour or so." It's dark, it's been dark for 3 hours and I want them in, but he says their fine and everything will be fine. Yet the very next night he will be anxious to get them inside and close the pet door by 8! Last night was a new one where he actually closed the pet door at 7PM! Yet me doing it at 8:30 is ridiculous???

I'm sorry you just continue to walk in the same circle he " allows" you to.

I can not think of any other possible advice.

I wish you well and your able to stay safe in an abusive relationship.

If your income stream were to run out, I predict he would leave you immediately. I know that hurts to hear, but consider that.

It's very very likely. He won't be able to drink and smoke pot because whatever he makes won't even cover basic bills. He does need someone to support him.

What if you do what you want such as go out with friends for example and then let him stew making sarcastic comments? If he isn't physically abusuve what exactly scares you? Him being mad? What if you let him? Can you do an experiment? How long would he be mad? And how would that look?

And he would move on and find another patsy to support him. And Mapper's problem is solved, easy peasy. Simple solution: stop the income.

If it were me, I'd move back to my parent's house, open a bank account with only my name, and let the bum divorce me rather than put up with this crap.

Plus, once you are divorced, you will have to still give him financial support because that's what you have been doing while married. But, the good news, is the judge will not make that last forever. Maybe you can document what a user, creep he is about the money and the judge will give him nearly nothing.

Be free!

If mapper stays longer she might end up paying spousal support to him. They've been only married 6 years.

But if they stay longer then yes she'll be paying.

My husband pays a ton to his ex who simply never wanted to work longer than few months a year and more than part time minimum wages. Mapper says she makes 60k. My husband makes just a bit over it and pays tons of alimony, we have 6 more years to pay. Since mappers husband only works a bit and mahes nothing, she will be paying him for like maybe 10 years after divorce. That's if he asks for it of course and if they stay married over 10 years.

Tish it doesn't work this way. When you show judge that you supported your spouse all these years then when judge is going to decide that you need to continue because that's what your spouse is accustomed to!

In our case husbands ex almost never worked but does have college degree, she demanded alimony until retirement age but judge said well you do need 10 years to get on your feet then alimony stops. By the way she still only works 15 hours a week minimum wages and lives in subsidized housing. No one makes her work full time.

Mapper would also need to give him half of the house and half of her savings etc unless of course they get divorced sooner. I'd be so terrified of paying spousal support that I'd run and run quick. My husband pays THIRD of his salary in spousal support (after tax). I am not kidding.

I don't think she even needs to be moving with her parents. She has decent income and can easily live alone. Or roommates etc I was single most of my adult life and raised a child and I never lived with my parents since I graduated high school. And mapper has no kids so it's even easier as kids cost a lot.

But I guess it's all just talk because mapper says she will never leave him.

Mapper, may I ask if he gives you his paychecks? Have u ever physically been where he works? Have u ever talked to his boss?
I am getting the feeling he is not even going to work but spending time at the library or a coffee shop and using free WIFI.
I really don't know any kind of an employer that would tolerate his abscences even if they are only paying him when he is there and doesn't care about the rest.

Not knowing the extent of his debt would scare me (H and I have always tried to live a debt free life--were even able to pay cash when we bought our house, prefer driving old paid off cars rather than new ones, etc.). If it is really bad, if she were to divorce, there might be nothing to divide up, instead she'll be paying off the debts he accumulated during their marriage.
Of course, then I did rack up medical debts but because I don't want my spouse to suffer from what I did, I voluntarily filed for my own bankruptcy (not jointly). If your spouse cares about you and you talk about your finances realistically, this is a possible solution to your mess. (By doing this, the spouse that did not file for bankruptcy still has a high credit rating which is nice when it comes to purchases like appliances/computers etc--no interest no payments is still available for those things)
As far as spousal support goes--I know this varies according to state laws because a year or two ago I heard a story on NPR about how Florida changed the guidelines to:
"If the marriage lasted at least 17 years, permanent alimony is appropriate if certain factors are present. If a marriage lasted at least seven years but less than 17, a permanent alimony award can be made if there is “clear and convincing evidence” that such an award is appropriate."
When I googled Washington State guidelines, one website said, "There is no set formula for calculating maintenance and, in fact, it comes down to the discretion of your particular judge based on his interpretation of factors unique to your marriage." but then also said when a marriage is 25 years long the spouse could receive half of your income for the rest of their life. One thing is for sure, the longer you are married, the more you will be expected to pay if you are the one that makes more money!!! If he keeps spending what you make--you maybe working nonstop until age 70.

Yes he is ACTUALLY employed. I have been there numerous times, scanned in his checks to his account occasionally (just last week actually) when he doesn't have time to stop and deposit them at the bank. He sends texts to his boss saying he won't be in, receives texts from his boss, receives messages on Facebook from his coworker asking where he is. When he pulled this not going in for 1 1/2 weeks a few weeks ago he actually asked me if I would mind going in and picking up his check! I declined.

That is the thing! I too do not know of an employer that would tolerate these constant week long absences without calling in. He did this at his other job which he had for 7 years. He didn't do it the first 2 years or so of that job, but once the FMLA kicked in he found a way to abuse the hell out of that. That was a huge company with a union though so I figured the union must have something to do with it. But this job is just in a small shop of maybe 35 people, no union, and yet he STILL does the same thing and never seems to have an issue with his boss or anyone. I get that people say that they don't fire him because it's just one less person they have to pay when he's not there, but why would you want to keep someone on who is so unpredictable and doesn't show up for weeks at a time? The whole purpose of hiring someone is because you WANT them there to work. You can be damn sure if he was the boss that he'd be totally fed up with someone doing what he's doing now and wouldn't hesitate to fire them!

Yup my husband was married for almost 30 years, he was first told to pay half of his income during separation and divorce proceeding, he paid for few months and he gained tons of weight because he was only eating junk because he couldn't afford anything else, he was also sick the entire time because he was so stressed. One month he ran short because he had medical bills and he acquired arrears.

After divorce was fine judge lowered the pay to one third. Husbands lawyer showed that my husband would have to starve paying that much.

I am telling you. Having a spouse who doesn't work is beyond scary in the US

I don't see what the problem is,they are both content in the misery provided by the other. Better shared between each other and thank heaven for small mercies no children are embroiled in this 'marriage'.
She married a man because he was marginally preferable to the life she endured with her overbearing mother.
She has never once mentioned him with any fondness even retrospectively. If he worked out she only married him cos he would do it's little wonder his behaviour your escalated.
Two years to get an annulment told her everything she needed to know. And he came with debts already incurred.
Male egos are just as fragile as everyone else's, and I can totally understand why he is stoned all the time. I wld be too with no reason not too.
They have made a joint decision to make a miserable life together.
I wish them all the best. And hope that one day they both find something worth changing for.

So now he's been home AGAIN for almost a week without pay and this time he's actually sick with a cold. He came home early last Tuesday complaining of sore neck and arm. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday Saturday you'd have thought he was on Death's Door so he couldn't go in. Yes he was coughing and congested, but he seemed to be just fine when he was engaged in something, but when he had nothing to do he was moaning and groaning and sighing which just about drove me mad.

He sent a Facebook message to his coworker asking if he could take care of his one customer and call him and tell him about something and that he might be in later in the day on Wednesday and if not then he'd be in on Thursday. Well, I don't know why he said that because he knew he wasn't going in. Oh AND his coworker sent him a message on Thursday telling him that he left his phone at work if he was looking for it. So he hasn't had his phone in his possession since last Tuesday and has no idea if anyone is calling or texting him and doesn't seem concerned. This also means that he has not once let his boss know that he would not be in to work. Unbelieveable! Yet he'll go back to work tomorrow (fingers crossed) and all will be fine!

So he didn't work from Dec. 20-29 because of the bogus excuse of his back hurting. Went back on Dec. 30 and worked until early the day of Jan 10 and now hasn't been to work since then. All without pay and basically all without even calling in. So he has missed 12 work days in a 20 day work month! This last one was at least legit with being sick, but still he didn't call in. Wouldn't it be funny if this time he DOES get fired and it's the one time he had a legit excuse to be out?!

And you know what also kills me? He said he had his final straw with a customer about 2 weeks ago and talked to the head of the parts dept (he's currently in the service dept) to see if the guy would take him on there instead. I mean this desk is right next to the service desk and he'll still be dealing with customers but he feels it will be SO much easier dealing with customers there. He tells me this guy really wants to bring him on. Now obviously since these desks are right next to each other this other guy knows how often H isn't in but STILL wants to take him on?? Why, why why???

Did you say before he uses(abuses) FMLA?

If he does,that's how he keeps his job and gets away with missing so much work and why his employer is so accomodating.

He doesn't have FMLA with his current job...the company is too small for it. His previous job he had it, but he still abused the hell out of it there. I think he was supposed to have up to 3 days off a month or something like that, but would still take weeks at a time and never get reprimanded.

He sounds very much like mine was when we were younger. He liked the TV better than anything else, and I have always been expected to work, keep the house and the yard. All he does is go to work. When he comes home, he is home. Period.

Oh yeah! And forget about asking him anything important or to help me with something within a minute after walking through the door because he needs time to chill out and he'll jump down my throat if I ask him anything. Yet as soon as I walk in the door from work he'll yell "I need you to come into the kitchen and help me with something" or "Put your purse down and come hold this shelf for me while I put it up" or "I need you to turn around and go to the store because we're out of xxx and I need it for what I'm cooking".

Okay so this just blows my mind!" H just sent me a Facebook message asking me to look over his resume he just sent me becuase he's on the lookout for another job. Tells me he just spoke to the guy that heads up the parts dept at his work and he's going to be starting there rather than in service which is what he discussed with them a couple of weeks ago. I assumed that he was at work and was talking to him because he told me he was going in today. He goes "As I said, I just talked to him and he told me to just chill at home today and come in tomorrow since he has to fire the guy I'm replacing". So how exactly did he just talk to him?? His phone was left at work last Tuesday when he was last there. I checked his email and there's no email to him from his personal account (unless he could somehow access his work account from home, but he never has before). Or unless he talked to him on Facebook, but that's doubtful. And you know why they are firing this other guy? Because he doesn't show up to work half the time!! Whaaaaa? And they think H is better??