Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

No he's NOT getting paid, which is why it's upsets me so much! And no he doesn't produce any kind of doctor's notes. He just tells them he was in an accident and they believe him. He might send a message to his boss once or twice during the week, otherwise he might send a message to his coworker on Facebook who I am guessing is supposed to relay to their boss that he's still not coming in. I mean he told them this past August about how he hurt his back and how he couldn't sit down and had to kneel at his computer at home, while he was typing that message, because it was the only way! Then went into work 2 days later ON HIS MOTORCYCLE!!! No problem hopping on his motorcycle but can't sit in a chair for the life of him! AND THEY BELIEVED HIM!!!

**Duplicate**

Stop paying Internet, tv , buy enough food for yourself only , even if you just grab something before you come home( better idea) Stop supporting him across the board He will get hungry and run out of any money he probably has squirreled away.

I'd be dammed if I would go home nightly and deal with his assholian behavior. I would stop washing his clothes....Go out, hang at a library, coffee shop, window shop, meet ups, literally I would come home to sleep ...the end ! Get up and head out , obliviously being away from him has to be an improvement than dealing with him.

I seriously could no way shape or form dealing with such a poor excuse of a human being.

I'm sorry you are in such a horrible situation.

That's just not me. I can't JUST buy food for me, JUST wash my clothes, and I'm not going to stop paying for our internet and tv as I need the internet for my occasional freelance work and just general entertainment. I would never just buy food for me in any situation. I had college roommates and we didn't just buy food for ourselves, we shared.

And I am certain beyond a doubt that he has NO money squirreled away! If he did, it would be gone. I can't wait until his mother passes away and we have to deal with that whole **** show! Another one who has no money and is in terrible debt. She's pretty much a hoarder who keeps taking in strays and has like 25 cats and 6 dogs and goats and chickens, etc.

Alright, well, if none of the 100s of suggestions can be of use to you, then I give up. I hope you are able to find some happiness or at least some peace with your situation.

seesaw

Grrrr,it's so frustrating to take the time to read these posts and threads and see absolutely no progress or any changes whatsoever.

It makes my head hurt.

It's very clear for us outsiders to see the picture clearly. But, Mapper, you are letting yourself be used and abused and you are letting him drive you crazy. He keeps lying to keep you so confused, you can't catch him and keep enabling him with money.

Prostitutes stay with abusive pimps and keep giving them all their money, too.

I'm sorry you are so stuck because of your own trapping of yourself.

You're not the only one ever who has trapped and hurt themselves. Hugs.

Well, Mapper did put a disclaimer that it was a vent and she didn't want advice...

That IS true,but she also keeps responding so maybe she really does want advice afterall.

It's not that they believe him. They just don't care. He isn't a valuable employee

I don't mean to discourage her from venting. Vent away. I'm just saying that she's standing in her own way of happiness.

I'm not sure about wanting advice nor input despite the inconsistencies in who/whom the replies go to.

I wish mapper well.

Thanks for those who replied confirming he is not paid when he takes this time off (I am from UK and employment rights are different here). This confirms a few things:

1) He is depending absolutely on you Mapper
2) The reason his employers don't care about his absences is they are saving staff wages in slow season. Odds are they probably do see through his excuses but don't care because of this.

I really do feel for you Mapper, but I'm unsure if you want input. Just want to say there are options and you do not have to put up with this, I wonder if you have self-esteem issues which are underpinning this.

Don't stay with someone that makes you miserable. First, try to fix it. If that doesn't work do a huge favor for both of you and move on.

I was married for 20 years and both of us were miserable for almost the entire time. We had the good old "stick to it through better or worse" attitude until finally a marriage counselor (she was number 3) told us that some people are simply not meant to be together. I still hung on as my ex wife insisted we divorce. Finally she made it happen on her own. Three years later, I can tell you that was the best thing she ever did for us! She is a great women and, now, we get along great. The kids see it and we are both healthy in our separate lives.

Don't allow anyone to make you miserable!

There were many many posts where mapper kept asking why and how they allow him to not show up and why they believe him. I tried to explain to her that I know how these business work, they don't care if he is there and it actually works to their advantage because they don't have to pay him. But I don't think she understands. She keeps asking why managers don't care. It's because they don't care. He isn't getting paid and this job isn't a demanding kind.

Maybe someone can explain better

Another night ruined by his out of nowhere attitude! It was his day off. He made lasagna. I walk through the door a little after 5PM and I can hear him in the kitchen making the lasagna. Within 5 seconds after I get a "Hey you're home" from him he tells me "Don't get too comfortable. I need you to go and get another container of ricotta". Really? You couldn't have called me about this BEFORE I walked through the front door and now I have to turn around and go back to the grocery store that I just passed 10 minutes ago?? I get back with the ricotta and yell "I'm back". After 10 seconds I get a sarcastic "Great". It was a delayed reaction because he was playing his video game in the other room and had to focus on that! Then he comes out and is all lovey with me, but then gets all serious and focused on the lasagna and barely speaks to me. C'mon, it's practically done! Why are you acting like everything I say is worthless and you just can't talk to me? 5 minutes later I go and take a shower. After I'm done I come out and tell him that this sweatshirt of his that I was wearing can probably be trashed since the sleeves and neck are all raggedy, there's a hole in the front of it that's been there a while and then as of the night before he tells me there's a hole in the back. I look at the back and there's a seam coming from the hole down the back where it would totally rip all the way down if I just gave it a tug. Well me saying I wanted to get rid of it upset him. He actually questioned why I wanted to get rid of it! Um, it's holey and raggedy! Then he goes "Well you should at least donate it or give it to a homeless person. I look at him with that "Really?" look on my face. Donate it to Goodwill so they can resell it?? You're kidding right? THEY would throw it out after looking at it! Or give it to a homeless person? Sure, let me purposely go looking for a homeless person and then give them this horrible sweatshirt! I tell him "Well I'll just buy you a new one then to make up for it". Then he hits me with a sarcastic "Fine. If you'd stop stealing and wearing my sweatshirts we'd be fine". Oh I'm SO sorry! You've got about 5 sweatshirts and I have none and want something to keep me warm at night but god forbid I wear one of your sweatshirts. He never says a word about me wearing them when I do, but when he's upset, then all of a sudden it's been a huge problem. I then leave the room and start muttering to myself. I walk back and forth from the kitchen to the bedroom a few times and apparently he thinks I'm stomping around (which he always says I do) and then goes "Why are you stomping around? Are you mad?" I of course say no because if I tell him I don't like his attitude I'll just get more of his attitude. He then makes reference to me stomping around like I'm in the German army. Well then for some reason I take this to talking about my German friend/coworker who we had over for dinner the week before and how he's told me she's so bossy no wonder she can't keep a boyfriend. We had been talking about motorcycles that night and she said she doesn't like being on them. I say to him "Well at least you don't have her on the back of your motorcycle telling you how to drive. You'd do a wheelie to dump her off the back". Then he comes back with the lovely line "Yeah I know. I've been trying to do that to you for years but every time I look back, you're still on the back. Damn!" THAT pissed me off! I just said snarkily "Oh I know right" and walked away. Then 10 minutes later I walk into the computer room trying to be nice and start a conversation with him and say "So when will the lasagna be ready?" Simple question right? Nope! He snaps back "I don't know! Why? Are you so hungry you just HAVE to eat right now? I know how you like to eat!" I take a deep breath and softly go "I was JUST wondering when it would be done". He goes "I don't know. When do you want to eat?" Why did I bother asking. Any other time he'd answer the question with "Oh another 20 minutes" or whatever, but this turned into a huge problem of me simply wanting a time frame! Oh and I'M the one who likes to eat?? He is the one who had a piece last night, then an hour later had another piece, then I see a dirty dish in the sink with lasagna residue that he had yet another piece after I went to bed! He's the one who can't sit and watch tv without eating SOMETHING!

I give up and go and sit in the living room and read. He comes out 10 minutes later and sits on the couch as well and plays his guitar. He's still being snarky with me saying something that he just heard on the tv about how the guy said to the woman "Well if you'd be quiet and let me talk I'd tell you". He says snarkily to me "That's like you. Always talking and never letting me talk". Seeing as how I'm really quiet and never have said a lot in conversations and how he's the one always monopolizing them, I take this as a dig against me and say as much. I say in a very uncaring voice "Yup just like me. Sounds like a dig on me." He then rolls his eyes and says "Yeah whatever" and puts down the guitar and stomps out into the kitchen to get the lasagna. This is the same crap he pulled when my coworker and her friend came over for dinner last week. He originally wanted to serve them leftover split pea soup he made days earlier. I said we weren't giving them that. He then goes to the opposite spectrum of steak and potatoes. I say okay but then say maybe just spaghetti so as not to go overboard but he insists on steak. Then in front of them, after asking how the steaks were, he goes "Mapper wanted to serve you spaghetti if you can believe that" making it sound like I wanted to serve them a bowl of gruel! I then say without a beat because I get so tired of him trying to make himself look so much better than me "Well he wanted to serve you days old split pea soup". Oh that got an eye roll and a shoulder shrug from him and he goes "What? The soup is really good." See, he says this stuff and doesn't expect me to say anything back and when I do I get the eye roll and "whatever". So anyways, he brings us both plates of lasagna into the living room to eat and then just like that, he's calling me "hunny bunny, rubbing my back, holding my hand and everything is hunky dory.

Ooookay. First off, where'd his whole attitude come from in the first place? He just started saying really mean things to me because I wanted to throw out an old, holey sweatshirt that I gave him 10 years ago?? Or because he thought I was stomping around the house mad so he thought he'd be even madder at me?? Then he turns back into this uber caring husband saying how much he loves me and acts like everything is great!

I wouldn't inform him that you are about to throw away a sweatshirt. If it's old and ripped, then it goes out. No need to discuss.

I also wouldn't drive to the store. If he was off and you were working, I'd expect him to drive to the store. If he can't drive because he is drunk or high, then driving to the store for him is enabling him.

Overall he sounds like an alcoholic and pot smoker: hot and cold. Typical

Just my thoughts how to deal with nonsense

I feel bad for both of you , such a total mismatched couple.

While I was reading I was thinking it's not just him,it's both of you.

It sounds like and seems like you two are just to the point where you cannot even stand to be around each other and every petty little thing is turning into something major.

In other words,the marriage is completely torn apart,and probably has been for a long time.You are obviously fed up with him,and it sounds he is fed up with you too.It's just going to keep escalating,it's obvious neither one of you are happy,I bet you two even argue over eating loudly,breathing too loud,a crumb dropped on the floor.

It also sounds like maybe deep down one of you is hoping the other will walk out,that neither of you has the courage to,that way one of you can blame the other for it instead of mutually agreeing it's already over with.

All of this ridiculous fighting over lasagna,old sweatshirts and all the other petty stuff isn't even really about the lasagna,sweatshirt,whatever,it's just how both of you are expressing your unhappiness,and it will eventually take its toll and come to a head.

Then what?

I think the only way to get through this marriage and remain sane is to disengage, not to engage in arguments and spend less time together. Like since there are no kids at home, I wouldn't come home at 5pm, I'd get a second job or go to gym every night and arrive home right before night is over, wash and eat and sleep. I wouldn't come home early and wouldn't hang out every night. On the weekends I'd hang out with girlfriends. Or work second job, and attend Alan on meetings.

That's all I can advice. If the person can't or won't leave, there is nothing else they can do but disengage

I had done all the shopping the day before for the lasagna, but had forgotten the aluminum pan to make it in so he went up yesterday afternoon to get that about 2 hours before I got home. He was up to his elbows in lasagna and pretty much didn't expect himself to go up to the store when he was in the middle of everything.

And him being drunk or high doesn't stop him from driving. He's driven being both.

I'm perfectly happy everyday I come home and if he's happy then everything is fine. I'm a happy person by nature. I'm never the one who starts this attitude as I want everyone to be happy. I'm not the one who starts getting irritated for no reason. He's the one who decides to go from hot to cold to hot again. He's the one who jumps down my throat for asking him a question twice because the first time he didn't answer because he was so involved in his video game. He's the one who comes home pissed off because his coworker rubbed him the wrong way and now no matter what I say, I rub him the wrong way. If I ask what's wrong, he jumps down my throat. If I don't say a word and keep quiet, he rolls his eyes at me, says something to make me feel bad about myself, tells me I'm being weird and stomps off in a huff. Than an hour later will come out all lovey dovey. Every time he pulls this **** it sets me back and it's hard to WANT to talk to him for fear of some smarmy response or him making me feel unimportant. Or simply asking a simple question of "Do you want chicken noodle or beef barley soup" for fear of him going off the rails.

Least he was making dinner.

Ok so he forgot a second ricotta cheese that should not have blown up the whole night.

I agree with Divine if there will be no divorce.... the disengage would be the only helpful idea.

There's a huge difference between being a happy person, and being happy with / within your marriage.

Members are trying to encourage you to cultivate some extra individual happiness, because the misery of your marriage will eventually sink in and swallow you whole.

It's never a bad idea to counter negativity with positivity, for some of us with inescapable circumstances, its what keeps us sane at the end of the day.

It wasn't the ricotta that blew it up, it was his snarky response to me wanting to throw out the old sweatshirt that illicited his eyeroll and him questioning why I wanted to throw it out when it's obvious it's about to fall apart. Him pretty much pointing a finger at me for wanting to throw it out rather than donate it (how could I be so heartless?!) and then making the comment about how if I'd stop stealing and wearing his sweatshirts it would be fine. He has at least 5 sweatshirts that I know of and he has an issue with me wearing them? Does he plan on wearing all 5 at once? He can't understand why I want to throw things out of his when they have holes in them. Why don't I just donate them because throwing them out is a waste!