[Krimekitty]

Hi there. Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. It's my first time reaching out this way so I don't really know how this works. All I know is that I've been struggling with this for years and there's no one else to talk to.

Let me start from the top.

Three years ago my husband left me for a 21 yr old girl. She was one of his students and was 9 yrs younger than me. I've caught him having affairs before but that was the first time he left me. To make things worse, everyone in his office knew about the affair for months. He would brag about how in love he was with her and how he couldn't stop thinking about her. He would buy her expensive gifts and would make a show of giving them to her. It was devastating. I felt like everyone was laughin at me behind my back for being the stupid unwanted wife.

A couple of months after leaving me, he came back saying he realized he loved me afterall. It turned out the girl was with someone else and had no plans of breaking up with her boyfriend. I took him back thinking he had learned his lesson. Only to find out that he would spend the next six months constantly texting her, trying to win her back. Again I was crushed. I realized I was the backup plan so I left him.

A few more months later, he came back swearing he's done with her and all other girls. He made a sincere effort to change. He's been sweeter and tells me he loves me every chance he gets.

Things have been great since then. Unfortunately, I still can't move on. I would still relive those months leading up to him leaving me. I would get paranoid about everything. I would ask him for details of what he did with her or why she was better than me or is he really back or will he drop me again if she comes back. It pisses him off when I'm like this. He keeps telling me to just let it go. It's in the past. I wish I could. I wish I could just forget it even happened. I really want to be happy with jow things are now. But it haunts me.

Possible trigger:

Here's where it gets a little bit twisted and this is the reason why I can't talk about it with anyone. Ever since he cheated on me, I can't get aroused. It's embarrassing and maybe not a real problem. But it's been years and I still can't get the feeling back. We still have intercourse but it's mostly dry and uncomfortable for me. I even tried watching porn but it doesn't do anything for me. The only time that I do get turned on is if I daydream about my husband doing it with another woman.

I know it's messed up. And I don't know how to deal with it. I can't tell my husband. He already left me once. I don't want to give him another excuse.

[MickeyCheeky]

How much time has passed since he stopped cheating? Personally, I wouldn't trust the guy.. based on what you said, he only came back because the girl he went with already had a boyfriend.. you were the backup plan all along. I know it's hard.. but I don't think I would want to spend another second with him. Especially because you don't seem to do too well with him..

[Krimekitty]

Well it's been over a year since I last caught him. He's been very patient and sweet since then. I know what you mean, though. I often think about how my life would be if I had been strong enough to walk away the first time he cheated. I don't have the option to leave him anymore though. We have a baby on the way which is part of the reason I want to fix myself. I feel like this time around I'm the one messing up our relationship because I can't move on. He's changed so much in the past year that I hate myself for not being happy.

[Gojamadar]

Hi,
I feel your hurt and disappointment about your husbands behaviour. However you need to understand human nature. If two people are thrown together, working inthe same place, maybe same room, there is a natural attraction at work.
My guess is that both you and your husband are attractive people and given the chance you might have done as your husband inthe same circumstances.
The question is; does he provide for you? Does he respects you?
Regarding the sexual side, at 32 the sexdrive may be decreasing. you should tell your husband to try harder to arouse you.

[gayleggg]

Have you seen a therapist? They could help you walk through the "letting go" process and as you let go of your resentments you may feel the old feelings coming back.

[Krimekitty]

I don't really know if my problem is something serious that needs a therapist. A lot of people get cheated on anyway. I tried going to church for a few months to try and find some peace but I guess it doesn't work the same way for everyone. That's the closest I've come to having some kind of therapy I think.

@Gojamadar

Yes, I get what you mean. Although cheating has never crossed my mind, I've had other guys ask me out even though they knew I was married. For him maybe there were other factors too that's why he gave in. And like I said, he's really turned things around since. That's why I think the problem really is with me.

[handheart]

Maybe will be geart you but sincerely your husband its not good for you its profit from you ,and he come back to you only when this girl left him and this only to make her jealous .Its your life and your decisions but not let others to profit from your kindnes

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Krimekitty

Ever since he cheated on me, I can't get aroused...
The only time that I do get turned on is if I daydream about my husband doing it with another woman.

That is his fault, not yours, and there is no "letting go" that will fix that. Your marriage union has been violated and scarred, and your husband is the only one who might be able to restore your previously-unique place in his life.

Originally Posted by leejosepho

That is his fault, not yours, and there is no "letting go" that will fix that. Your marriage union has been violated and scarred, and your husband is the only one who might be able to restore your previously-unique place in his life.

I echo this. It is his responsibility and not yours to restore the original tone of the relationship.

[avlady]

I agree with leejosepho.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm a member of leejosepho's choir on this one.

It's up to him to fix what he broke in you and your marriage, just because he's better behaved doesn't magically make everything okay.

[Shazerac]

I would have difficult time feeling aroused by a man who had a repeated history of cheating on me. I wouldn't want to have sex a all really.

[Elio]

In this past weeks PC newsletter there was this article:
Surviving Infidelity: Why It?s Necessary to Prove That the Affair Has Ended | World of Psychology

Maybe it will help give you some understanding as to what is going on with you or where to start.

[butterfly24]

Originally Posted by Krimekitty

Well it's been over a year since I last caught him. He's been very patient and sweet since then. ..... I don't have the option to leave him anymore though. We have a baby on the way which is part of the reason I want to fix myself. I feel like this time around I'm the one messing up our relationship because I can't move on. He's changed so much in the past year that I hate myself for not being happy.

Originally Posted by Krimekitty

I tried going to church for a few months to try and find some peace but I guess it doesn't work the same way for everyone. That's the closest I've come to having some kind of therapy I think.

The problem with serial liars and cheaters is that you don't KNOW if he really quit cheating or if he just got better at lying. YOU are not the one messing this up. It is perfectly natural--and in fact sane and rational--to not trust a man who has repeatedly SHOWN HIMSELF to be untrustworthy.

It is possible to leave a man while pregnant. At the very least, I suggest you start getting your ducks in a row in case you catch him cheating again. Have an exit plan. Have money stashed. Have at the very least a part time job, and preferably one in which you can increase hours later.

I have been in your position and finally left him--with multiple children to support. I have never once regretted it.

[Artchic528]

My honest opinion on the matter? Cheat on me once, shame on you. Cheat on me twice, shame on me. Basically, if the other half has cheated once, they'll more than likely cheat again and again and again. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he is cheating on you again in secret right now.

I have absolutely zero tolerance for a guy that doesn't treat me with the respect and love I rightfully deserve. This includes never looking at another woman with romantic or sexual interest while I'm dating him, let alone if marriage comes into play. I expect him to see me as his one and only and foremost love in his life when I allow him to enter my life and will absolutely not settle for anything less.

You deserve the exact same treatment from a guy, yet I feel you're not allowing yourself to feel that you deserve anything better than a lousy, no good, constantly cheating guy and never amounting to anything more than a fallback plan in his eyes. Perhaps you're afraid of being alone, or afraid that you'll never find another guy who will show you love and affection anymore. I can't say what it is because I can't see into your mind and heart, but I do know you might greatly benefit from the help of a good therapist to gain that much needed sense of self worth and self respect. You're an absolutely wonderful, amazing person who only deserves the best a man can give her. Please don't settle for anything less, it's only going to bring pain, suffering, and heartache into you're life.

Originally Posted by Gojamadar

Hi,
I feel your hurt and disappointment about your husbands behaviour. However you need to understand human nature. If two people are thrown together, working inthe same place, maybe same room, there is a natural attraction at work.
My guess is that both you and your husband are attractive people and given the chance you might have done as your husband inthe same circumstances.
The question is; does he provide for you? Does he respects you?
Regarding the sexual side, at 32 the sexdrive may be decreasing. you should tell your husband to try harder to arouse you.

What now???

Since when do we justify cheating?

[Bill3]

I suggest that you contact a sex therapist.

This is their job: to help sex get better, or get back to where it was. They are familiar with low sexual desire; they are familiar with people dealing with affairs.

You suggested that the situation might not be important enough to justify seeing a therapist. In my perspective, an inability to enjoy sex for many years is an important concern. I think that you deserve better, and I think that a sex therapist (or a regular t who is familiar with sex therapy) can help.

[Fuzzybear]

I agree with Bill3

(You deserve better)

[divine1966]

I can't believe that people actually suggest that op makes an effort to be more aroused. Wtf? She lives with a liar, not wanting sex is the least of the issues. I personally wouldn't touch my husband if he slept around. Sex therapist wouldn't fix that

Serial cheaters don't stop, they just get better at lying. I'd be afraid of STD that he can bring to you and potentially to your child. It's too scary. No man worth it

I am appalled how people trivialize affairs

[Bill3]

The OP asked for help with sex. A sex therapist will provide that.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by Bill3

The OP asked for help with sex. A sex therapist will provide that.

She shouldn't be having sex with this guy period as it's a danger to her unborn child to have sex with a guy that has been unfaithful and might potentially be harboring STDs.

She needs to go to a regular T to learn how to respect and value herself enough to know that she needs to have a guy respects and values her above other women and won't cheat on her ever.

[Bill3]

Sex therapists are aware of the issues that you are raising. They routinely work with individuals and couples who are trying to recover from affairs.

To say that a person should never be with someone who cheated is a valid perspective and I respect that. Here, however, OP evidently does not share that perspective. In fact, she says that things are "great" except for sex. For better or worse, she is seeking help with sex, not with leaving her husband. A sex therapist is therefore a good choice for her. A sex therapist would not be a good choice for everyone.

[toolman65]

Do you TRUST him?

right here , right now.

yes or no?

[ptsdlmw]

TRUST is huge in a marriage. Ours was breached and I found out at 23 years married. It wasn't an 'emotional' connection, though. It was "fee for service". I'm still struggling from this. It's trauma (per my therapist and I agree).

It takes a long time to re-build trust (2-5 years is what I've read) and yes, it's impacted my ability to trust him and 'let go' during sex. I know he hasn't gone back to porn and prostitutes, so I know I am safe from diseases, but it's so hard 'letting it go' and learning to trust. In my experience, other people that haven't had this happen to them have a hard time understanding the magnitude of the trauma.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say I'm, sorry, I understand what it feels like to be betrayed for several years, and at a least for now, I am willing to work on the marriage IF he shows HE is working on it.

@toolman56 - he has a good point... for example, I trust him now, but I monitor his comings and goings and he agreed to that. It's part of re-building trust - is he where he says he is?

HUGS

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Bill3

The OP asked for help with sex. A sex therapist will provide that.

She also doesn't believe her problem is even serious and many people get "cheated on anyway". I understand she asks about sex. Many women accept unacceptable behaviors and I just don't feel like the focus needs to be on how to get aroused by him. If I told my therapist my husband sleeps with other women, I am pretty sure sex act would be the last topic she'd want to discuss. We can agree to disagree.