Deeply Troubled Relationship - Seeking Advice

So my situation is mainly a two-part question where I’m not really sure where to turn or what action I should take at this point. I apologize up front for the length of my comments here but I wanted to not only make sure I covered everything for the best answer possible but also to help me focus on my feelings as well. With that, here goes…

I’ve been married now for over 10 years and I’ll honestly state that most of that time has been great! Unfortunately, this all began to change about three years ago and now I I’m uncertain if life will ever go back to the way it used to be.

First Problem – I want a Wife, not a Roommate.


For most of our marriage, we were very close. Our relationship was passionate, exciting, and romantic (even with children trying to burn the house down all the time). For the last long while, I feel like our marriage has become more of a co-habitation with basic levels of familiarization. I don’t feel like I have a wife, just a roommate who I happen to have children with. We don’t do things together anymore. We don’t really even talk much anymore. At night, there is little more than a “goodnight” followed by her rolling over and then silence. I don’t even know the last time she even showed the slightest interest in something as simple as a kiss. Sex in our relationship is nonexistent even though I have made several attempts to spark her interest. I often wonder, late into the night, why I ever even got married. While I see her every day, I have never felt more alone. And, while there are other serious problems within the marriage (explained below), I have tried everything I can think of to try and bring some semblance of passion back into our lives. In each case, I have failed.

I see other friends and how happy they are in their relationship and while I’m pleased for them, I’m also terribly heartbroken. Not long ago I happened to notice a short conversation a friend of mine was having with his wife and it amazed me how much love and admiration they both had for each other. I wish my wife could look at me as my friend’s does towards him.

Second Problem – Health and Fitness.

My wife and I have always been extremely motivated and active people. For me, this comes from being a career Soldier and someone who is passionate about living a healthy lifestyle. Before we were married, I made it very clear of my thoughts of personal fitness and while I’ll openly admit it’s probably a shallow point of view, I frankly detest obese people. In the military, a commander is responsible for assessing another Soldier’s personal fitness and determining what actions will be taken should they not maintain required standards. In all of these cases I dealt with, these Soldiers held a vast array of excuses which ultimately ended with them either not being personally motivated or simply too lazy. As such, I separated them from military service.


For that reason, it is extremely difficult for me to accept the situation where my wife currently finds herself. She is significantly overweight and as such, is now experiencing a growing list of medical (physical and emotional) conditions which are directly related to her choices. I have offered many times to help her with her training, offered to cook the meals, helped direct her to exercise programs that she would enjoy, etc. In each case, she began the process for a short while and then returned to her previous lifestyle without really ever putting in any serious effort.


Several months ago, she informed me that she had a binge eating problem and began seeking advice from a professional. However, her lifestyle and eating habits have not changed at all. She also began attending an addiction recovery program but didn’t continue with it.

My concern is that I fully understand that people can change due to only two situations:

1. They feel compelled by an outside force and so they make token changes to appease the situation while never really changing the core personality or belief system.

2. They feel a real desire to become more than they were the day before and as such, make a stern determination to change who they are.


As such, people only really change if they WANT to.

As it stands now, I’m tired of pretending neither of these issues bother me. I’ve mostly ignored the weight gain until lately as I simply wanted a close relationship more than a “trophy wife.” I’ve not really said much of anything about either of these issuers to her and have tried to play the role of the always understanding husband as I simply don’t want to hurt her feelings. I have always thought that as intelligent as she is, she would figure out there is a problem and take steps to resolve it. I know she is concerned about her weight as she’s mentioned it several times before but I don’t believe she has any real idea our relationship itself is void of what a marriage should be.


I don’t want a divorce. I just want my wife back again.

I’m tired of living like this.

to psych central.

Sounds like you are a loving husband and are dealing with a complex problem. I hope you can finds some answers here. Just my impression but it sounds like your wife might be clnically depressed. Maybe talking to a therapist might help her get a handle on her issues.

to psych central

Oops double post

Thanks for the response! She has been seeing a therapist for a few months now in dealing with the eating disorder and associated depression.

While I've never had an eating disorder, I do understand depression as this was something that almost consumed be in the past. For me, a drastic change to a healthy living, combined with a fitness program did wonders. Yes, some aspects of life won't change but what I can change is myself. Since making that change, I'm healthier and for a 40-year-old, people often tell me I look like I'm about 30.

I just wish I could convince her that this same sort of change will help her as well. Still, like I mentioned, she won't even talk to me about her therapy appointments.

What is said in therapy is private. Even from a spouse. It's a good thing is she's going though

Your experience isn't her experience, though...so no, you don't understand HER depression as it's different for everyone.

Do you really feel she's simply lacking the desire for change?

Because that blows my mind.

From what I can tell, she has no desire to change even considering the more recent medical problems which have shown up. I don't have a clue why.

All you can do is support her through the difficulties she's having at the moment. It's not easy to get help, or to help yourself when you are in that situation. All you can do is understand that difficulties have arisen, remember how much you love her, and give her space if she needs it and support if she wants it. Might be an idea to have some couples therapy too? It sounded like the communication has gone downhill drastically in your marriage.

So just from a different perspective, I understand that your wife has changed. But people do change. And their interests, body types, etc., all change.

You want your wife to be healthy. But she has an eating disorder. Eating disorders are very tricky emotionally to deal with. You seem to be "suggesting" a lot of things to her, but I wonder if maybe you are pushing her to hard to be who you want her to be instead of just accepting and loving her for who she is. I have a binge eating disorder, and I was a marathon runner. I could probably talk for hours with your wife about this. While I was a marathon runner, my weight was completely under control, but when I was injured and had to stop running, and various other illnesses happened, the binge eating went out of control and I gained 70 lbs. Just stopping binging isn't easy. You can't just stop. YOu know why? Because you still have to eat to live.

So my recommendation to you is to not suggest things, don't push her towards work outs or whatever, but rather just show as much love and support as you can for whatever route she chooses. I guarantee if she feels loved and supported do to whatever is best for HER, she will probably end up losing the weight.

Sometimes we think we're being supportive but we're really trying to "fix" something instead of just being there for someone emotionally. My dad was in the military and he was that way. He didn't understand the difference between trying to fix me and just giving me emotional support.

Good luck,
seesaw

A book called "Love Busters," hands down, greatest marriage book I've ever read and help restore my marriage. Actually, our marriage is a lot better than it was ever before reading the book.

Eating disorder...from personal experience, she's stuffing her real feelings. Odds are if you're not happy in your relationship, she isn't either. Good for her for seeking some help with the binge eating.

That's a real problem for me actually. If I see a problem, I immediately try to fix it. It's how my brain is wired. Soldiers don't come to talk to me about problems so I can be a sympathetic ear, that's what the Chaplain is for. When someone comes to me with an issue, my assumption is that they want help resolving it. Honestly, I would never even consider talking to someone about a problem just to have an ear to speak to. The only reason I would ever talk to another person about a specific issue is if I believe they have the knowledge or skills necessary to help me resolve it.

I suppose I don't understand, what is the point is bring up a concern to someone if you don't want their help to fix whatever is wrong? Isn't that similar along the lines of going to a store to "shop" without a list?

You're by far not the first person to mention to this but it's such a strange concept to wrap my head around.

This actually shouldn't be news to you or difficult to understand considering that you've been married ten years.

Being in the military is all about conformity (I suppose)...But you're no longer in the military, you're out here where everyone is different. Especially when it comes to emotions and women and the need to reach out without APPEARING to reach out. Support isn't the same as getting someone to do what you think they should do.

Probably, reading cues isn't something you're proficient at (not meaning an insult, just an observation from your background and your posts).

Yes. We go shopping without a list.

I just see a lot of very rigid thinking/standards on the part of the husband.

Also, if your wife "fixes" her problems (in your opinion), you still won't get the wife you married back. She'll still be different because so many years have passed. So she could get more physically fit and decide she'd rather be with someone who has more flexible thinking, perhaps.

Remind me again - how many babies did YOU personally have? You had them with pretty much no effort on your part. THAT is the difference between how easy it is for some men vs some women to lose weight. For men, they put in a little effort and they get results - not even great results, they just GET results. For some women, it takes a LOT of effort. A lot, a lot, a lot. Dont underestimate how much. I have a friend who is walking over ten miles a day, working out with a personal trainer, biking and swimming, dieting, and working full time. Do you call that "a little bit of discipline"? Give her some support and understanding.

Perhaps depression won't let her change just yet.

I will tell you what it's like for me:

For a long time, (like, years) I had no desire to do anything and when I say that, I'm not exaggerating....everyone has a different experience with depression. Some are able to make the necessary changes required to stop from sinking too deep. Some just are too deep immediately....(me, totally). My husband had to make an appointment and take me to the doctor. I really, really couldn't do it.
My own treatment doesn't matter at this point....it's going pretty slow. But you can believe me when I was shocked at the suggestions made to me. They were absolutely correct, but at the time doing any of them were the equivalent (to me) of walking on water or sprouting wings and taking off. They COULD NOT have happened. And it wasn't anything monumental...it was more like telling me to sit in the sun or go for a walk.

I hope this gives you some insight as to what it's like for some of us. I hope you continue to read here and expand your view. I really hope that you are able to think of your wife above yourself.

Take care (and remember that YOU need to take care of yourself also so that you can help her)...

You've been with her for 10 or so years, I would safely assume there is something there that keeps you with her and I can tell that you do care about her but something concerns me about your post that I do not have the answer to but I would like you to ask yourself some things.

First off the entire original post seems to assume all of the change in the marriage is carried on the shoulders of your spouse. it assumes "she's changed" and that you're still the same loving husband you always have been. I am not here to point any fingers at you or fault either of you in any way but to say this. Rarely in a relationship does one person change without having been affected or affecting the other person along the way.

What I want to ask you is, if she is dealing with depression and weight, could there be, something you are overlooking that you might have a part in that has caused this rift between you that therefore also is causing her other problems? We as men are rarely as guilt free from things as we like to think. I know, I realize it may feel as though you are still doing the same things and only she's changed but if you look deeper into yourself can you find how you've changed too?

In every relationship it is always inefficient to try to* change things that we do not have any control of, and it seems to be an especially common thread throughout relationship forums of every kind. We men and women both tend to hit brick walls when we are looking at the other person and even if it is out of concern for health and well being, we try to figure out a way to fix, change or modify our loved ones. it never ever ever works. I realize that you've alluded to this idea in your OP but at the same time I think you've overlooked that nothing in your post has examined yourself and wondered "how have I changed also?"

It's something to ponder because this, my whole reply does not come entirely from thin air. my ex, who was overweight for many years, had her faults but hind sight many of the things she did, were partially from actions I may have taken or my inaction in certain areas. She was never in a bubble nor did all of her change come about free of mine. I did things also, that in time, caused her to be more apt to gain weight, not feeling cared for and loved. Did I think I was a caring husband? sure. was I faithful? of course. I was always there but being human I lacked certain areas where I needed to be something more than I was but in my denial of self examination I never realized those things.

I am NOT in any way saying you are entirely responsible for her state now, but it's worth looking at, and on top of that, always remember you can only control and change yourself. Perhaps in being able to step back away from the examining what's wrong with your wife, you can realize what is less than perfect in you and in changing those things, it may help to bring you both together again.