Husband invited people over for Thanksgiving without discussing it with me first!

Putting everyone to work would be hillarious. Have them paint your living rooms. Remove, clean and replace all the hardware in your kitchens cabinets. Double chores for hubby. He might call in sick to the event anyways.

That was not what I meant. People generally don't mind pitching in in the kitchen....I don't expect anyone to do work work....

I like your sense of humor however.

I think the idea of making it a potluck is great. Call each person and ask them to bring somethign specific. You just make the turkey. Dinner is served.

But who did you originally planned to have for thanksgiving? Did you invite anyone? If not did you want just be him and you? In the past you said he doesn't want to do things with you. He cancels events with you all the time. Maybe he invites all these people so he doesn't have to be just two of you? I don't know why you are married? You don't like each other company and you don't like his daughter and his friends etc I just don't get it

Since your marriage is full of problems on basically every level maybe having some extra people over might be a blessing.

It's possible if you agree to just have this dinner and stop fighting it and as mentioned ...people bring potlucks , desserts etc , it will actually be a good time.

Thanksgiving is all about being thankful..... These people are not going to come to get drunk and the ones with challenges...... Well you might make there day but more so they might make yours.

For me ...... Cooking thanksgiving for just my husband and I is a shame, we invite people over or we go volunteer at a soup kitchen.

Life is much to short to have all this back and forth ...you and you're husband are so overloaded with resentment, based on your posting about you're relationship.

It's just dinner.... It's not forever.
As mentioned people can bring dishes and people always offer to help before during and after meals !

This isn't him winning..... This is just picking battles, you already have a battle over his daughter.

Its Thanksgiving , a meal.... It's not a lifelong chore.

Good luck in whatever you decide. Happy Thanksgiving

I'll say after reading everyone's responses i feel much better about my up bringing. On both side's of my family it was a yearly thing for members to invite friends over unannounced. Not once did my mother or aunt act burdened by this and encouraged it. I really thought that was a normal thing sad to see it isn't.

it's funny, I haven't read through all the responses here but honestly this, just happened to me. It's annoying af.

Thing is my (wife/ex/something) and I were separated for 4+ years with her having left us to another state for that amount of time, and only lives with us because she decided to come to be "close to her kids" and had no other place to go. I am weak and I let her come stay with us... but sorry to go into the detail but I thought it was relevant since she happened to "let me know" that her (my step) son and his gf and kids are coming for thanksgiving. Not asking, nothing like that. Just "oh hey... they are coming " kind of thing.

Aggravating as hell. It's not even as if I would say no but the courtesy to acknowledge that I am the owner of the lease, I care for everything and everyone... is asking me permission too much to ask?

Anyway... just so you know, you're not alone, I understand better than you think I do.

Why is it sad to see it isn't? We are all in different family dynamics and each one has what works for them. some do like to have a plan, others just go with it... to each their own. Nothing to be sad about it's just different than you're used to.

Well obviously this "family dynamics" isn't working. Or she wouldn't be online venting about it. Yes it's sad people can't openly welcome others in they're home and share on a day meant specifically for that.

With all due respect, you can't write off the entire dynamics of a family simply because there are problems, nor do I for a second believe that the family dynamics you grew up with were the perfect situation either.

Welcoming people openly into a home is one thing, and no, thanksgiving is not specifically for that, it is a celebration and giving of thanks nothing in what the holiday itself says that one has to openly accept uninvited guests at any time without warning. This is what this is about.

I grant you that you're perfectly in your right to accept drop-ins at the last minute at any time and that's commendable, but not everyone can and will do that but isn't that their right? To judge the masses and call it sad because they dont' live up to a certain standard that you do is simply put, simplistic and actually, ironically... sad.

Wow, judgmental much? What makes your family so perfect?

My family was on a limited budget growing up and there often wasn't enough food to go around. So, yes, if someone wanted to invite someone over for dinner, you had to ask.

As an adult with my own home, I don't like people just dropping by because I have a mental illness and my privacy is very important to me and home is my safe place where I don't have to behave any special way for the world.

Also, I just think it's good manners and polite to ask someone before inviting someone over to the home. Not all people want to be "on" all the time, especially for strangers. If you're an extrovert and okay with that, good for you, but what gives you the right to judge people who aren't like you?

It's not sad that other people value their home and time differently than your mother and aunt did. As sandman said, people have different family dynamics and it in no way makes them better off or worse than you.

Frankly, it's sad to see that you grew up in a family that taught you to be so judgmental of people who aren't like you.

I hope you can learn some compassion at some point.

Seesaw

Mapper, I've read every thread about your husband, and while I still for the life of me can't fathom why you are married to a man you clearly cant stand, I understand your need to vent.
I do however think your time is much better spent in marriage counseling, as it can lead to a resolution, as opposed to thread after thread of venting and stagnation.

PS. Since you didn't set a firm boundary WRT what you will and will not accept for TG, I also suggest you make peace with the situation, make the best of it and at least attempt to not have a miserable day.

Bud i stated my opinion and your entitled to yours. I don't agree, it's that simple. There's no need for you try and change that. Have a happy thanksgiving!

You need to remember that this is a forum for support, not just for you to state an opinion. The only thing you could have hoped to accomplish by saying what you said was to hurt other people's feelings, which is not what this forum is for.

Please think before you post next time.

Seesaw

I stated my opinion, my experiences and my feels. I'm not sorry for that. I'm sorry you had a tuff upbringing and fight with mental illness to that degree.

I stated in response to your statement that "the family dynamics are clearly not working"

Not entirely opinion. I am not stating my opinion, it's really a fact that by just a few factors one cannot judge an entire situation or environment or say, a whole dynamic of a family based on one post being related to a complaint. How is this an opinion?

This is making clear reasons for why some people do things the way they do and feel the way they do about this subject, in no way does it point out one opinion or another but is giving reasons. If you can't see it that way I'm sorry.

Again, not in any case have I stated that your family dynamic is sad or bad or wrong, but stated that every family is different. What I did say is sad is your simplistic thinking and quick move to judge others because they are different than you. The difference between you and I is I acknowledge and realize that not everyone thinks or feels or acts the way I do but that doesn't make my way right or better, it's just my way. As I said you have the right to live the way you do, accepting drop-ins, but I just think it's counter-productive to simply judge because my (and others) way is different.

Lastly I am not trying to change your opinion at all. One can feel differently about a subject without having to make others believe their thinking, but people can, on the other hand understand why others think the way they do and believe or behave like they do. Judging others based on how they do things differently cuts off all ability to understand others and actually have a discussion.

We were having NOBODY over for Thanksgiving. He told me a month ago that instead of making a big fuss at home that we'd just go out for Thanksgiving instead. Then it changed to we're just going to stay home. Then he told me he invited 2 people over. Then a few days later tells me he invited another 2 people over. Then last week as a side note he told me 2 more people were coming over. Do you understand how frustrating it is to have him invited people over without asking me and then just assume I'm fine with all these people coming over?

Of course its frustrating.

The question that still remains is why do you go along with it?

Why is saying "No" to your husband taboo?

I mean you can b!tch and moan about it all you like, even start a blog or vlog about all the things that your husband does to urk you.

But wouldn't a solution be so much better?

So this is rich! You know we've got 6 people coming over for Thanksgiving and last night H says to me "So what's Claudia doing for Thanksgiving?" Claudia is a woman who was hired the same day I was and we became friends and have done a few things together outside of work. She's originally from Germany so has no family here, but has plenty of friends and a new boyfriend. I tell him "I don't know, probably something with her boyfriend" and H goes "Oh that's right she has a boyfriend now. But we'll have plenty of food so you should ask her to come over. It's the RIGHT thing to do!" Can you believe that? He's basically scolding me because I didn't invite her over! He's become Mr. Do Gooder by inviting anyone who wants to come over because "It's not a big deal". He even said a customer at work found out what he was doing and gave him a $25 Visa gift card to go towards the food. Holy crap! So you've even convinced a customer that you're being so gracious by inviting everyone over for Thanksgiving?? Then he's like getting all serious about how we're going to rearrange the living room and add some chairs and says there'll probably be a lot of people just sitting on the floor. Then says "I just want it to be fun". I say sarcastically "Fun???" He goes "Yes I want people to enjoy themselves". Big fat duh! I thought you'd want it to be a somber and sad time! It's like he's all irritated that I'm not inviting anyone over and I'm not excited about it. Sorry. This was all your doing. You promised me Thanksgiving out and now we're hosting half a dozen people and you're upset that I haven't invited anyone!

I know this sounds harsh but can you not tell him that you refuse to cook for all of these people that he invited, and he'll need to step up to the plate and do it himself? Or at least get him to help?

There's only so much that posting on these forums can do for you, before you need to take action outside of ranting.

Oh because then I'm a bad person and he'll make me feel horrible about saying no for the next week. He'll find anyway to rub it in my face. Probably start getting all sarcastic and say "We'll I'm going to take a shower but I figured I should run it by you first to see if that's okay with you" or "I'm going to be 5 minutes late tonight but figured I should tell you so you don't send the police out to look for me". He ALWAYS turns it around on me.

Oh everybody is bringing something. We're just doing the turkey and stuffing. The cooking isn't the point. The point is that he would invite his entire company over without telling me and expect it to be fine with me! Then he gets upset because I don't want to invite a single person over. Nope, I like my privacy.

There's still time to do some internet research and rig your turkey to blow once its core temperature exceeds a certain pre-determined threshold. Sure, there will be a big boom and an enormous mess, and you'll have to devise some pretense to keep yourself, your husband and all guests corralled safely in the parlor, but Thanksgiving will be abruptly and decisively cancelled and your homeowner's insurance should buy you a new kitchen. Remember to erase your browser history.

I like Trippin .... can not fathom for the life of me why in world you stay with this man?!?!!?

He is inviting people without asking you. He also is talking to his daughter about moving in and that has you twisted in a knot upset also.

Maybe consider this as the "last supper " cook it and maybe you will actually enjoy being around other people than just you're husband , maybe he doesn't want to be around just you and he is inviting these people so they can help be a buffer so it might deter you and him all this nit picking you both seem to do all the time, so much resentment on both your parts it " seems"

I also think Lefty has a great plan. Great plan indeed.

No he doesn't think I nitpick him at all because I keep all my anger buried way down deep. If anything, I should be the one angry at him for doing all he does without asking me.