Best way to deal with a bully---ignore or tell?

Hello,

I have a 9 year old who is discovering, unfortunately, that people are not always nice. Over the course of the last week, she has come home every day from school upset because another girl in her class keeps repeatedly coming up to her during the school day and accusing her of things that are not true, such as "I told my mom that you hate me", "I told the teacher on you and the teacher is going to call your mother", "I heard you were saying mean things about me at lunch", etc. I sat my child down, had her look me in the eye and I asked her to be honest and tell me if there was something she did to this girl, something she said that she shouldn't have, or anything else that could have caused this girl to target her. She said "no", that she had not done anything and I could tell that she was being truthful. I can tell when my kid is lying. My child tends to be shy and plays by herself at recess, maybe that is causing her to be a target. I also know the family of the girl who is being aggressive has been having some financial problems, maybe this girl is acting out. Either way, I am tired of my child coming home from school upset. My child has stood up for herself by telling this child to stop lying and go away, but it has not stopped the behavior. I told my child to find a few people that are respectful and start playing with them at recess as being alone is not good. But in addition to that......should my child just ignore the aggressive girl or should she tell the aggressive girl she's had enough of her rude behavior and tell the teacher? Thanks for your help on this.

(((HUGS&TEARS)))
Children can be so cruel
I am a believer in teaching tolerance always.
Part of this for me is talking with our children about bullies.
What makes a child a bully is very sad. Usually a child that lashes out against his/her peers..does so because they feel powerless in some other aspect of their life. Usually in their family life...whether it is viewing how their parents interact, or treat them, or they learn from their siblings behaviours or treatment of them
Yes you should do everything you can to protect your child and teach them appropriate ways to protect themselves as well..but when it comes down to it. The best way for a child to combat a bully is by not reacting. A bully thrives on getting a rise out of their victim. If your daughter is able to show no reaction towards this girl..Then the girl will most likely eventually stop bothering with her, because she is not receiving the attention she craves. Keep talking with your daughter everyday, and keep a close eye on the situation. If it becomes physical then I would demand the school do something...because it is their responsibility to keep your child safety while she is in their care...and they are negligent if they do not.
-LITW

If the aggressive girl leaves your daughter alone, then don't do anything. If she doesn't, then involve the teacher. It's not your daughter's responsibility to sort this girl's life out. She will soon find another target. It's the teacher's responsibility to look after the class. You're doing the right things.

Immediately inform the teacher and let school sort it out. She shouldn't be addressing it with other child herself at 9.

I'd speak to the child's teacher and let her know there are concerns and see if some sort of mediation can be held between the two.

I have a 9 year old daughter and have gone through the same thing. My daughter struggles to read and they do reading buddies with the grade 5 kids.
My daughter told me once that the older girl supposed to be helping her was getting angry that she struggled with certain words. We had the chat about bullies and how to handle them. Ignore them, state clearly to stop and not accept the behaviour and if all else fails, see the teacher immediately.
She told the teacher the next time it happened and the teacher did nothing! Then I heard the girl grabs her wrists and told her to LISTEN.
I went to see the teacher personally and the other child's teacher. Demanded that there be some consequence and to remove my child and the other girl from the reading buddy system.
Sometimes you just have to get involved personally and make sure you are your child's advocate because nobody else will!
(Hugs)

I'd tell the teacher.. that girl could probably target other people, as well

My niece was bullied so bad at a middle school that my brother took her to a different school. Her old school refused to do anything because bullying never escalated to physical. She was thriving at her new school and now is doing great at a high school.

These are great responses. I appreciate all the advice you've given. Thank you! I'm going to contact the teacher and see if it can be resolved that way. If not, my next stop is the school principal.

You need to tell as many people about this:

- teacher
- principal
- guidance counselor (if available)
- school board

They have a legal responsibility to protect your child

I'd start by talking with her teacher and maybe the guidance counselor. Sometimes they can do group/full class activities as a way to encourage/lead children to rethink their own behaviors and it's in such a way that noone is singled out. Just a thought from experience.

I agree that your daughter shouldn't be handling this alone. Teachers and school admin need to be aware of the issue.

I think that far too often adults only want to get involved if the bullying reaches a physical level because of the "sticks and stones" saying. Just like someone else has responded, when the school didn't want to get involved because the bullying isn't physical.

But the truth is that words can and do hurt. They can have a long lasting effect on us.

I think you're being a great mom by trying to figure out the best way to help your daughter. Hugs.

I have a lot of empathy for your daughter. When I was 9, I had the option of coming home during the lunch/recess hour, which I did, rather than wander around the playground alone.

Pardon me for asking you this, but are you really aware of your child's plight? Like you, my mother used to tell me to go make some friends. I don't believe any child chooses solitude on a playground. I mean . . . how does a 9 year old "play" alone.

Your child is not being bullied - a word that's getting to have a loose meaning. Bullied means "coerced into something by threat or force." (Everyone should look that word up.) But your daughter is being mentally tortured, which can be equally as awful. And you are "tired" of her coming home upset? . . . after a week?

So you advise her to find "people who are respectful" to play with. She doesn't know how. That's why she "plays" alone. Shy children are troubled at some level, I believe. They feel uncomfortably "different." Sounds odd to me that you would advise her to evaluate her peers on their "respectfulness." What kid effuses, "I have this great new friend, and she is so respectful."

You made her look you in the eye while you grilled her on her innocence. She convinced you she was pure as new-fallen snow. And I'll just bet she is. Do you, perhaps, hold her to a very, very high moral standard? Kids can so over-internalize that that they can't act spontaneously for fear of making a mistake.

A week is too soon for you to solve this problem for her. If it continues, it may be that you should schedule a meeting with the teacher, bringing your daughter along. It shouldn't be all on her to have to snitch. Still children don't grow from having adults solve everything. Your daughter needs an expanded repertoire of behavior . . . some techniques that fall outside the realm of always being restrained and nice as pie.

This creepy kid is definitely targeting your daughter because she is alone, without allies. That is the way bigger issue to be very concerned about. It shouldn't be all on you either. I think it's monstrous that teaching staff at schools leave shy children to languish in solitude.

This is a developmental problem, like dyslexia. But the kids slow at reading get special help. Their mothers demand it. But the socially awkward children marinate in their misery unsympathized with. These kids are seen as not being a problem to adults. They get "A"s in behavior. Some find solitary pursuits they can excell at (like getting homework done really well,) so adults are even happier that they be just as they are.

Maybe a responsible teacher would request the help of some very well-adjusted classmates and ask that they consider helping out a struggling peer, by inviting her to play with them. Maybe our schools should be pro-actively inculcating social skills in children. Not just in the shy kids. The socially at ease kids could be taught that, when you are in a setting, where someone who is required to be there finds themselves alone, it is simple good manners to try and draw them in and engage them. 9 years old is not too young to be taught that social responsibility.

I was quite lucky. I recall hardly ever being victimized. And, much to my own surprise, there were those among my peers at school who did notice my isolation and did reach out to me. I was fortunate to be cared about in this way in high school too, when one classmate decided that it was foolish for me to sit in the cafeteria by myself and spent days just about dragging me to the table where she ate with friends, until I had the courage to just seat myself there.

Maybe you could get to know other mothers and ask mothers of nice children to suggest to their daughters that your girl needs some help.

Never mind psychoanalyzing what family financial dysfunction this mean kid is "acting out" over the past week. Your kid is a product of family influences that you might want to give some thought to.

Rose76.....you raise several interesting points. I'd like to comment on your statement of "your kid is the product of family influences that you might want to give some thought to". It just so happens that there is a genetic defect concerning delayed emotional development that runs in my husband's family. Basically with this condition, the person ages, but the mind remains stuck at an immature, childlike stage. My sister in law and I have been calling it "arrested mental development" as we are not psychologists and don't know what the clinical term is for it. My husband's grandmother was childlike in her mental capabilities. She struggled to take care of her six children, because mentally she was not an adult. There are stories of her sitting in restaurants for long hours only eating the free stuff some restaurants serve (like hot bread or chips and salsa) but never ordering a meal. She would only drive 30mph no matter how many cars were behind her and she'd sit in restaurants and lick her plate clean (literally lick her plate) without noticing how odd she looked as an adult. My husband's mother is the same way. She says inappropriate things to people and has no clue she's being insulting. She also could not handle her children because she was mentally unable to rise to the occasion of being an adult. My husband's brother's daughter (my niece who is 22), same thing. She can only interact with young children (preschoolers) because she is not comfortable with adults. She speaks at inappropriate times and says inappropriate things (like telling a server at a restaurant "Don't spit in my food--Ha ha). She talks like a baby even though she is 22. All three of these people (grandmother, mother, niece) have difficulty interacting with adults. It's because they are not mentally adults. Mentally they are only 3-4 years old. My daughter is starting to show these same types of behaviors (talking at inappropriate times, saying inappropriate things, talking like a baby). I think she annoys people due to her social awkwardness and it's been hard for her to make friends. I honestly don't know how to solve this as I can't change her brain makeup. Her DNA can not be changed. I talk to her about when to speak and when not to, think before you speak, consider how your words impact other people. Sometimes I feel she understands, but other times it's like she's on another planet and I can't reach her. So, my point is that this aggressive girl appears to be doing what I feared might happen......taking advantage of my daughter as she has sniffed out her vulnerability. All of this scares me to death, because I'm not always going to be there to protect my daughter, but I fear she may not always be able to herself. She's bright enough to know when people are not treating her right, but everything is reactionary at that point. My goal is to change her thinking and behavior to prevent these negative responses from happening in the first place. The challenge is figuring out how to do that and that is my battle every day. And considering that her great grandmother, grandmother and niece were never cured, I fear there may not be much hope for my daughter.

Also wanted to add, we had our daughter evaluated at the age of 3 by a pediatrician who specializes in ADHD. He really was not much help. He said she did exhibit some characteristics of ADHD, but not all and not enough to warrant him giving a definite diagnosis. He said kids change alot as they grow and that she could just grow out of the awkwardness. I have not yet taken her to a child psychologist/psychiatrist because I don't think putting her on meds is the answer either and I'm afraid that's what they will want to do. That is what happened to my niece (put her on meds) and my husband's mother and grandmother were given shock treatments. None of this cured them.

One other clarification I'd like to make. My daughter does have 2 friends that she plays with in the neighborhood, so she does have some social interaction, but it's not very often and I've noticed both of those kids giving indications that they sense my daughter is different, but they have not acted out aggressively. My daughter has had other friends over the years and been invited to birthday parties, so she has some ability to interact socially. I just think it's getting harder now that her classmates are older and more manipulative. She's also had bad luck with the type of classmates she ends up with every year. Most of her classmates have been boys and the girls in her class have not been good "friend material".

I think its a little short sighted to not get her professional help just because you don't want her on meds.

You are aware that you have the right to refuse to put her on meds, correct?

There is a LOT of help that can be given to your daughter without putting her on drugs.

I don't understand why your daughter has to suffer because you as the mother have an inability to tell a doctor "no, I do not want my daughter on medication"

A child psychologist could do your daughter a world of good, with the "benefit" that they legally cannot prescribe your daughter drugs. If the psychologist insists that she take drugs, you find a new one. Really, its as simple as that.

I really am a bit dumbfounded that you'd believe that if a doc says your daughter needs drugs that you'd be forced to put her on drugs. We live in a free society. Doctors cannot legally force drugs on a patient unless ordered to do so by the courts. And yeah, we're a long way from that.

Please don't let your own personal fears prevent your daughter from getting help.

Thanks Goldenwaves....I guess I'm just uninformed. I will look into finding a child psychologist. The information in your post gives me hope.

Your child is 9 years old, possibly has an autistic spectrum disorder and she is receiving no professional evaluation/help because her grandmother who licked plates didn't benefit from "shock trearment."

Madam, I hardly know where to begin.

Your sister-in-law and you are diagnosing "arrested mental development." I'm nearly speechless.

Make an appointment and go to your child's school. Advise whom you speak with that you suspect your daughter may have a develpmental disorder. These days, schools can usually help arrange for an appropriate person to interview and evaluate your daughter. Get some informed input from someone outside your sister-in-law.

You do not know that your child has aberrant DNA. Stop making huge assumptions based on family folklore. Obviously, your child has paternal relatives who had serious challenges, the cause of which you know nothing about. No one is going to recommend ECT (shock treatment) for your child. The main treatment intervention is not medication, but behavioral training, which you are not competent to devise. It is not helpful to tell your daughter to "think before you speak, consider how your words impact other people." She is doing the best she knows how. It is not true that she is yearly landing in classes where her female peers are "not good friend material."

Work on changing your own thinking because part of your daughter's problem is that you role model an approach to problem solving that is preposterous. I'm sorry, sunny, but you are scarcely making any coherent sense at all.

Please get some therapy for yourself. You are trying to take a very cerebral approach to helping your child, which you utterly lack the capability to do.

You are not well-informed about developmental difficulties in children or adults. You desperately need help in sorting this out. Stop trying to figure this all out on your own. Though I believe you love her, you are doing your child an enormous disservice.

Thank you for listening to her. Thank you for not being my own mother. When at 4 I cried to my mother about bullying her reaction was to ask me what I had done wrong. I never trusted my mother after that right through until she passed at my age 42.

You have started things right by talking to your child. By doing so you are acknowledging the problem to her and validating her fears and feelings.

I've suggested telling as many people as you can.

In the meantime I recommend you set about trying to find ways to improve her sense of self worth. Extracurricular activities are always good. But even acknowledge small feats around the house. You could have her do her own laundry and praise her afterwards. She could help fix dinner and you could praise her for that. She could help dad too. Encourage her to do things on her own. This will instill some confidence and independence. Try to avoid smothering her and coddling her.

And, open discussion regarding what's behind these situations. Try not to insinuate she is responsible but get her to describe what led up to the incidents. Ask her too if this happens to her other peers? And, what do they do about it? Ask her who she likes of the children at school and get her to talk about why. You may get some insight into the matter; what happened, possibly why, and her self image. Learning these things will make it easier to form a plan to navigate through all this.

You know Rose76....I believe you mean well, but I find your response to me very accusatory, hurtful and insulting. I've been sitting at my computer crying when all I asked for was help. You did me a disservice. I do love my daughter and maybe my attempts so far at solving her problems are not textbook perfect, but at least I'm trying as best as I know how to at this point.

Thanks for these suggestions!

Sunny, if your child had a broken leg, would you do the best you knew how to set the broken bone. I'm sorry I was blunt, and I surely could have taken a nicer tone. I was wrong. Forgive me, if you can. I don't doubt that you have meant well towards your daughter, but your tears are partly because you do feel uneasy with this do-it-yourself approach that you've been taking, as you are seeing your child flounder more and more.

Now, I'm going to be blunt again. You have absolutely no credentials to be identifying genetic disorders in your husband's bloodline. Your child presented with worrisome signs, or what you thought were worrisome signs, at age 3, and now - 6 years later - you're still kicking this around with your sister-in-law, whom you seem to believe knows more than professionals. All because SIL told you that niece and grandma got bad, or ineffective, treatment.

I heartily commend you for not being willing to follow any doctor's recommendation in robot fashion. But find out what they have to say, first. The behavioral interventions that have proven helpful with children whose socialization is developmentally delayed are normally started well before the age of 9.

You have been trying to diagnose 5 people: niece, grandma, great-grandma, mean kid and your daughter. I don't doubt you've applied your very best and hardest thinking to figure this out. That's what I meant by your cerebral approach. You're trying to think your way through this, when you are no more equipped than I am to do that. You are holding tight to a set of assumptions that may, or may not, have anything to do with your daughter's problem.

Stop it. You're spinning your wheels, getting nowhere, and daughter and you are just getting more stuck in the mud.

That the school has not contacted you to say they think your daughter may have a developmental problem, suggests to me that your daughter's problem may be rather marginal - meaning overcoming it or learning to compensate for it may be very doable, without resorting to draconian measures. A professional evaluator may conclude that your child is not severely handicapped, but more lacking in exposure and experience. Be wary of what you are told. I would be very, very slow to permit medications. Nothing can be given to your child without your permission, as posters above have explained. But get competent people involved. See more than one. Discuss all this in a forthright way with teachers who have had your child in their class. Ask them what they are seeing.

Dry your tears, forgive me if you can and move away from an approach that you've tried and isn't working. Get professional support for your daughter . . . and so it's not all on your shoulders.

What about a school eval? Someone else mentioned one of many neurological conditions. Developmental Delay is but another possibility which is treated behaviorally and not medicated.

I'm so sorry to read of ect treatment in her family line.

Have you talked to your daughter's teacher yet?

Have you found a therapist?

How is your daughter doing in her academics?