Online dating and insecurity

I very much agree with you.

The basic premise is that society boils one's worth down to the job that they have and being employed, so those who aren't working are therefore worthless. (Please don't anyone else argue with me, I say this coming from years of experience, not having worked in 8 years for someone else, now only working for myself----and even that is seen as "not really being employed"----my mom has been self-employed since I was 4 and she's dealt with the same attitudes. Thus I speak from my own experience, and my own experiences aren't up for debate, although you are indeed free to speak based on your experiences, they just aren't going to change my mind)

If you haven't been unemployed, you do not see this kind of scorn so cannot judge.

So I say to heck with "society" and think outside the box. Its a relationship FFS and my definition of "relationship" doesn't involve the whole shebang, but unfortunately that's another societal assumption that I have to fight against as well. I don't even want a "standard" husband/house/kids/dog/white picket fence relationship, but again, that's what you get pigeonholed into if you don't want to be a total hermit the rest of your life.

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm pretty over this thread atm. But here's my situation in case you might care to know. I'm on disability. I want to work. The agency that gave me vocational testing believes I need to overcome some things emotionally before I start working. I tend to agree with this even though its discouraging. I am trying to get better at showing up to volunteering first. It is my life and situation, I am working to make it better.

I think my thread has turned a bit into a "dating sucks and men sucks thread." Which is not what I intended, but thats ok. I contributed with my thoughts, but I still have hope and faith I'll meet someone right for me someday. And if not, hey, at least I didn't settle.

In my opinion, to tell people they are attracting ****** men into their lives is helpful, but also not helpful. It's helpful to think "how am I playing a part in this cycle?" It's not helpful to blame people though. It's a putdown, it feels bad, and it's not true.

I want to say, there's something about the blunt tone you write in that makes me feel uneasy sometimes. I don't know if you're judging or not. I know you have been supportive in the past of me and I could be reading into it. I value your opinion. But I don't know. You sound annoyed.

Mr. Stranger, PtangPtang, and Goldenwaves, I will read your comments and reply later. I am mentally exhausted at the moment and need to get offline.

Edit:
I read all, and my response: you guys are very awesome. I thank you for being supportive.

How do you know I had no misfortunes? I had a lot of really bad things happen to me. You can't possibly know my life. Where is your knowledge coming from?

I am speaking about myself not always blaming others when **** happens to me. Speaking from experience

As about online dating, I was a victim of romance scam. Because I was desperate. That's how we get in trouble. I don't blame websites.

That's why I am saying it's pointless to blame place where we meet jerks for the fact that we meet them! I lived with alcoholic for many years. I do not see why it's even matter where I met him?

It certainly isn't place's fault.

It's fine to vent but when people ask about online dating and others say "you will only meet jerks", then it negatively effects people and it's unfair. I don't think it is fair to stereotype our own bad experience this way.

Well, I only met jerks and guys who wanted a one night stand on online dating sites. Very rarely did it wind up in a relationship, and when it did, it inevitably failed. I'm just speaking from experience.

I am sorry for the tone. I tend to be blunt when typing trying to conserve words. It might be cultural too. I should try to do better. Sorry

I attracted plenty of very wrong people. I am the first to admit. There is no put down. I got into bad **** a lot because I lacked insight that I am attracting all this. I had to do a lot of exploring. I didn't have an easy life

I think I was annoyed but not with you, with the fact that people do say that men suck and online dating suck etc Yet it's not correct and it sends people wrong message that they should give up. I don't believe they should give up. There are plenty of nice men snd plenty of nice men who use dating sites. I don't want you or anyone to give up because some people think all men are jerks.

It simply isn't true!!!!

I really appreciate that you said all this Divine.

Wow.

I thought this was supposed to be a supportive place!

You're being anything but supportive in this thread.

Right now you have the inability to see what its like to be unemployed, disabled, and have society spitting nails at you because these two things are undesirable. You have the inability to understand how someone in this position is facing a very uphill battle with the very real possibility of being alone for the rest of their life.

Its easy for someone on the outside to be blunt and tell us all to just pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, to suck it up and deal-----but where is the humanity? You have no idea how much *I* am hurting right now because of this very issue, and yet you give no compassion?

For pete's sake, I even mentioned my end game! Is THAT not enough for you to understand how hurt and terrified I am right now!?! But to go and kick someone when their end solution if they can't fix everything that's going wrong is "the end"....?

I may be straightforward in my posts, but if I saw that someone had a problem that was plaguing them so badly that they knew if they couldn't fix things, the ultimate solution was to not go on living-----I know I wouldn't kick them while they were down.

I strongly urge you to tap into the side of you that isn't quite so blunt and realize that people are very much hurting. This is a mental health site, and while we don't all constantly post about being suicidal, just remember that many of us have dealt with it in the past and are currently dealing with it as well. To be so harsh is just too much IMHO.

Sending you good vibes and best wishes in your endeavors (volunteering even a bit sounds like an awesome idea btw! Go for it). You always sound very insightful and strong!

I will say that a lot of men do contact me and just want sex, but lots of men contact me who want to date, but they just aren't the right fit for me. I think it's a mix of people online, they don't all just want a fling.

It's funny because I have been for 10 years in a relationship and I didn't exactly know what I wanted, we were just with each other without plans. But since my separation I know I want kids and somebody who is financially and emotionally stable, and with whom I can communicate easily, that was missing in my last relationship. He would not listen, will brush it off or would lie. I want trust.
For online dating I would say like in real life to know what you are looking for and to be aware of your choice. In life we can't be sure of anything, you have nothing to lose by trying anyway.
Good luck

Yeah I have to say something too. To Divine. I think it's great you apologized to me, but you have hurt other people in this thread in the same breath. Not cool. You have power here, divine. I think you need to use it more wisely. This is a mental health forum and everyone comes here because they are suffering, in pain, etc.

I don't think divine meant to hurt anyone. I have always appreciated her honest and completely truthful perspective.

Does it matter intent in the end?

Plenty of people are mean without intending to do so.

That's not an excuse for their behavior.

Again, this is a mental health forum and if someone can't be empathetic its best to just walk away.

I've been here less than a month and at this point I don't see any point in sticking around if people are going to kick others when they are down.

Seesaw, I don't think Divine meant to hurt anyone either, though I'm confused about why she ignored Goldenqaves post about how hurt she felt. I am not choosing sides, I'm just saying what I perceive, and trying to help. I hope nobody is upset with me. Divine I hope you are not upset. GoldenWaves, I'm sorry you're hurting. I am very stressed by what is happening. I felt a responsibility to help, keep peace, but I can't do that anymore. I would like to ask the moderators to lock this thread.

I don't think it's about kicking people when they are down. People are going to have different perspectives of things and different opinions. You may find some of those opinions offensive or not the kind of support you like. I have posted threads and received responses I don't like, I don't add that up to the site being unsupportive, I sum it up to a difference of opinion, which it is. If someone is triggering you, there is an option to put them on ignore so you don't see their posts and they cannot comment on your threads. I suggest instead of writing the whole site off, that you use this functionality.

On here, as in life, there are going to be people who say things that you don't like, take what is helpful and leave what is not.

Good luck,
Seesaw

That is good advice to GoldenWaves Seesaw. Unless it's to me. I don't know. I just skimmed it. I cannot participate in this thread anymore. peace out