[xdv1]

Hi there

I started a new relationship on the summer of 2016. When i tried to have the discussion about the past and "our numbers", he brushed it off saying he didn't care. We did say our numbers (same for both us, 3). I wanted to talk more about it and know the causes for which the relationships ended and all of that. He brushed it off again. I began falling in love almost immediately; no one had ever treated me with that much respect and love. Things were so good we never talked about the past. Until we decided to get tested for STDs so that i could switch to the pill and we could stop using condoms. Turns out that my previous bf had given me chlamydia and i din't know about it. I could have lied to him, but he was the first person I told about this. I got him a doctors appointment to get tested immediately (he tested negative). We both got the medicine, went through the no sex period dand fixed the issue. After that, he started asking questions. A lot. He became obsessed with my past. I'm not good with details or dates so when i mindlessly said something he would cross reference it to something i previously said and then confront me about it. In late December, i left my email unlocked and he read some messages from okcupid and match (from 4 years ago) when things got heated up and became sexual in those messages (sexting). He pretty much called me a hoe. Then when he saw what he did, he changed his demeanor, got me a card, flowers and apologize for having issues with my past. I love him and i want to mend things, but i'm not stupid. I know he was some abandonment issues from his childhood His mother gave him up to his grandma at birth and he is very sensitive about that. I love him, but i'm not willing to put up with him shaming me every single time he feels like doing it. I know that what I did was not right, but i feel he needs to grow up and accept it. I wanted to have the talk right away and be clear about everything. I should have fought to have the talk early on, but we were so happy that we didn't care about it. But after the STD and he reading my email, he feels like i was hiding those things from him. I am honestly confused and I don't know if I should stay with him and help him through whatever issues he is having accepting my past. Or if i should leave and have peace of mind (just thinking about it makes me sad). I would appreciate feedback on the post. Thanks

I'm sorry, what was it that you did that was not right? I keep scanning your post and can't find it. Thanks.

[xdv1]

Originally Posted by GoldenWaves

I'm sorry, what was it that you did that was not right? I keep scanning your post and can't find it. Thanks.

Hi, thanks for reading my post. He said that having the std and not knowing about it, sexting, and in general behaving in a way that was not taking into consideration my future and how it would affect my image for my future husband.

[LacunaCoiler]

There's nothing I can see in your post that points to you doing anything wrong. We all have pasts and if he can't accept your past then I honestly feel like he's not accepting you as a person. Some of us are more comfortable with sexting and other sexual behaviors than others, if he has an issue with that that is on him, not you.

If it was me, I'd sit him down and talk to him about it being your past and he is your future. If he can't separate the two and see that you've corrected the error (the STD. And besides, you were open about it in the first place.. points in my eyes) then maybe you two can't move on until he can. You've accepted his past (goods and bads) and you deserve the same amount of respect that you're giving him.

I can't tell you what to do (besides, I'm just some stranger on the internet so why listen) but if it was me in your position, I'd leave the relationship if he couldn't accept it as something that's a part of who I am that I've moved on from. If he has a problem and he can't move on he might never move on and may always hold this over your head. Not a healthy thing in a relationship IMO.

Ok, none of what you have done is "wrong".

Getting a STD and not knowing about it? Happens ALL. THE. TIME.

Actually, its quite common for people to have no symptoms, and that's why they don't get checked.

Sexting is something that most of the free world does. Again, not wrong, its just intimate talk between two partners that happens to be over the phone. I mean geesh, let's go back to the dawn of language and outlaw sex talk! LOL.

Changing your behavior because it might affect your future husband?

Sweetie, you've done nothing shameful! I could see his argument if you were a street-walker who was selling her body for money (even though I still don't judge these women), but from what little (and I do mean "little") you've done?

You have nothing to feel ashamed about.

So here's the thing.

Your guy is controlling and doesn't trust you.

A man who wasn't controlling wouldn't have this kind of attitude toward you.

A man who trusts you wouldn't be hacking into your private accounts.

Do you really want to stay with a guy who wants to control you and doesn't trust you?

At 6 or so months in----where you are now----you start to see much more of the real person and not the lovey dovey person you started to fall for. Knowing the real person underneath it all is so much more important.

I'd be hesitant to advise you to stick with this guy. Rather, I think its time to let it go and move on. The right guy isn't going to hold your sexual past over your head. (Especially with only 3 partners? Does he want a virgin!?!)

[~Christina]

First off I want to say I think it's great that you wanted to get tested before you flipped to pills instead of condoms ! Not many people would do so.

You did nothing wrong at all Nothing ...,..

If he is unable to leave you're past in the past then I don't see how this relationship will be healthy at all.

Everyone has a past.

You deserve love and respect and as already mentioned you don't want him to hold this over you're head whenever he pleases.

Tread carefully in this relationship.

((( hugs )))

[Open Eyes]

Interesting how he did not care to talk about your past until it became important to "him".
You wanted to be up front because it was important to you, he was not interested until it was important to him.

This is important to see about him. His comments towards "you" that have been negative are about "his" needs not yours. Healthy relationships require the couple to "care' about each other's needs, not just how things are going as long as "their" needs are satisfied. You tried to be honest about yourself up front, you have been honest with him from the beginning too. You did not do anything wrong. His behavior is being "selfish". If he continues on this path even though you have drawn his attention to it being toxic, then he is not going to change and can end up turning you into a codependent wrapped up in "his needs" all the time which will include picking on you when he starts feeling insecure.

[Erebos]

I will be honest, I do not get this whole thing about sitting down and outing your sexual history. I don't get it, the people mature enough to let past relationships stay in the past don't care about this stuff. Those who do usually end up using against their partner or themselves by making comparisons.

Anyway that wasn't your question.
When he is talking listen to where he puts the "I", "you", "us".
How much of what he says is, "i need/want"
How much is what can "we" do?
How much is what do "you "need..

This is a small window into your life, and you currently sound balanced and confident in what you feel you need for this to work.
Trust yourself, sit talk and explain,maybe if you can both really get how the other feels about it, it could work.

I say it again, TRUST your instincts.

[Sad Mermaid]

Tell him that your experiences have shaped who you are now and that you are proud of the person you have become.

[Trippin2.0]

The getting tested before unprotected sex, awesome!

The listing of past lovers, not so much! That's actually just asking for trouble.

I've never once heard someone say they've had that convo and that it went sooo well.

So while this whole shytti situation is definitely on your bf for being rude, immature and disrespectful, I honestly would refrain from having numbers talks in the future. There's nothing wrong with leaving the past behind you.

[seesaw]

Yeah, seriously, I can't see sitting down with a partner and going through my sexual history with them. I have had 14 partners. I have been tested for STDs, and I'm clean, because I use protection. But seriously, I don't even remember them all much less be able to recount them to a new partner, and it's none of their business frankly.

Different people approach sex differently. It has different meanings for everyone.

Your past is YOURS, not his. He has no right to judge you for it. You haven't done anything wrong except live your life.

Tell him to shape up and leave it be. Look forwards, not back.

seesaw

His past has damaged him. If he can't get past it, I suggest that you move on.

[Zedsdead]

Il give you another perspective. I have dealt with something called retroactive jealousy. I don't choose to think that way, I don't want to at all, but it is a form of obsessive thinking and it's PAINFUL.
When you first tried to bring up the subject of past partners, (something I truly don't understand) he maybe didn't want to talk about it because he knew he couldnt handle it or had the jealousy issue.
When it was forced into the mind, obsessive thinking and acting comes into play. E.g checking your email history. Now he is faced with the vivid detail in his mind and it's painful. The more he tries to stop thinking about it, the more it comes to mind. Rationally, he may know that the past doesn't matter but that doesn't stop the thoughts playing through his mind.
Its a horrible issue to have, iv struggled with it for as long as I can remember.
My situation was a little different, but was triggered in a very similar way. I was upfront about it to my partner, i told him i struggled with it and that i was wanting to overcome it. My partner was unfaithful and untruthful and although I hated doing it, i dug into his past and seeing how he was before I met him, in a way shattered the way i thought about him. I had details, pictures and made up visions about his past that made me very insecure.

It's something that he will have to want to overcome himself. Im in therapy for it and my therapist told me it works the same way OCD does. It's a struggle and I realize my partner didnt deserve to have his past brought up and that it shouldn't matter. It's probably best that you sit him down and discuss it further and see if he's willing to work through it fairly, or let you go.
All the best

[Erebos]

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

Il give you another perspective. I have dealt with something called retroactive jealousy. I don't choose to think that way, I don't want to at all, but it is a form of obsessive thinking and it's PAINFUL.
When you first tried to bring up the subject of past partners, (something I truly don't understand) he maybe didn't want to talk about it because he knew he couldnt handle it or had the jealousy issue.
When it was forced into the mind, obsessive thinking and acting comes into play. E.g checking your email history. Now he is faced with the vivid detail in his mind and it's painful. The more he tries to stop thinking about it, the more it comes to mind. Rationally, he may know that the past doesn't matter but that doesn't stop the thoughts playing through his mind.
Its a horrible issue to have, iv struggled with it for as long as I can remember.
My situation was a little different, but was triggered in a very similar way. I was upfront about it to my partner, i told him i struggled with it and that i was wanting to overcome it. My partner was unfaithful and untruthful and although I hated doing it, i dug into his past and seeing how he was before I met him, in a way shattered the way i thought about him. I had details, pictures and made up visions about his past that made me very insecure.

It's something that he will have to want to overcome himself. Im in therapy for it and my therapist told me it works the same way OCD does. It's a struggle and I realize my partner didnt deserve to have his past brought up and that it shouldn't matter. It's probably best that you sit him down and discuss it further and see if he's willing to work through it fairly, or let you go.
All the best

@zedsdead,

Really wanted to Thank you for bringing up the topic of retroactive jealousy.
Have suffered this myself and my heart goes out to you.
The logic rationality goes out the window when those waves of hurt and envy hit.
You can tell yourself over and over it makes no sense but you just can't stop the intrusions.

I have never understood this whole confessing about previous relationships , and have very few examples of the conversation ending well.

Anyway, respect to you for facing your demons and I hope you make it.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by Erebos

@zedsdead,

Really wanted to Thank you for bringing up the topic of retroactive jealousy.
Have suffered this myself and my heart goes out to you.
The logic rationality goes out the window when those waves of hurt and envy hit.
You can tell yourself over and over it makes no sense but you just can't stop the intrusions.

I have never understood this whole confessing about previous relationships , and have very few examples of the conversation ending well.

Anyway, respect to you for facing your demons and I hope you make it.

Thank you for understanding. It truly has been a problem for me during my last relationship. Im sorry that you have dealt with the same in the past too.
I was ashamed of it at first and didn't really understand what was happening until I spoke with a therapist.
Owning the problem and working towards eliminating it and the triggers has helped immensely, so to the OP, this could be worked on and overcome if he is willing to accept and deal with it. 😊

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

The getting tested before unprotected sex, awesome!

The listing of past lovers, not so much! That's actually just asking for trouble.

I've never once heard someone say they've had that convo and that it went sooo well.

So while this whole shytti situation is definitely on your bf for being rude, immature and disrespectful, I honestly would refrain from having numbers talks in the future. There's nothing wrong with leaving the past behind you.

Right from the get go, when I read them talking about "numbers" I wanted to stop right there and say "no, just no..." This never goes well.

@OP the bf needs to accept that you both have pasts and there were chances that either of you could have contracted something, it's not really a reflection on you now or even then, if an ex gave you the STD, that really is on that guy not on you. If it was from infidelity or being promiscuous and with many men then it could be an issue with you but since I don't get that feeling from what you've said, it's just the one bad ex, you dealt with it and it's time to move on.

By move on, either you move on with him and he lets it go or you move on without him. That's my strong suggestion. I have a feeling though he's hung up on this now and won't and so I would recommend that peace of mind though going it alone is the better of the options you have here.

Man here, I think I can understand his fear. While there's no need for fear in relationships as we all know, it's still something that is worth knowing to have a better understanding of each other, instead of denying those feelings.
This may seem intensive and crazy, but we're talking about a fear mechanism here, so here it goes.
The past got triggered in him because of the STD from the past.
STD can correlate to irresponsibility, casual sex life, and in extreme internal reactions, correlations to prostitution. On the long view, irresponsibility, casual sex life, prostitution, etc, can correlate to commitment issues, loyalty issues, etc...
It seems crazy, but this is the subconscious mindset of fear of abandonment.
I'm not saying you have commitment issues, loyalty issues, not at all!
I'm saying that this is what the fear is saying.

I'll tell you a personal story about my "numbers".
In my third relationship, my partner actually started with this. She asked me if I ever had a relationship, why we broke up, etc...
I mean, I don't really mind answering, but thinking about it right now, this was an anxious thing to ask. But it was mutual, as I asked her afterwards about her numbers, too, but it was more for mutuality rather than really caring, as she'd ask about me more than I'd ask about her in general.
Well this is my story, I kinda felt like sharing it with you

I think a good thing to do is being compassionate, giving a bit of place for fear instead of seeing it as fully wrong, because fear is also part of our nature, even among ourselves, for whatever reason there is as there are many (mother abandonment, attachment, jealousy...). How about a loving conversation about how you can go further forward in your relationship?

[s4ndm4n2006]

@Vibrating Obsidian. it's kind of hard to be compassionate with someone that is being accusatory and shaming of you, at the very least at the time it's happening.

The funny thing is, and btw I'm a man too and don't make provision for this fear. That in almost every situation where someone is questioned about their past sexual history it's the male in the relationship. I cannot recall (I'm sure it happens sometimes) when I've read one of these posts related to a person in a relationship saying their mate had problems of their sexual past where it was a female doing so. Again, not saying it never happens just saying I can't recall any male complaining about his gf or wife looking down and judging them on their past relationships.

I am not sure why this is, but I am merely stating what I've observed.

It's all well and good to say one needs compassion for someone but my question I would pose is, "where is the compassion for the one being shamed for a singular mistake in her life?"

[eskielover]

Its obvious there are differences in moral values that he does have a right to be concerned about. Yes, we alk have our pasts but those pasts if they havent changed can be red flags for the future.

Yes there are some things done in the past that we have learned from & wont do again & just because MANY in society do things doesnt make it the RIGHT THING TO DO.

Getting STD....obviously points to some level of being unsafe in your past though tou did the responsible thing NOW. Sexting...if you meet someone while with him....is it something you will do again?

He probably didnt think there was a reason to wonder about your past & wanted to trust that. He may be wondering if you really have values that he wants to continue wuth just as much as you are wondering.

Maybe your values arent compatible...might as well determine it NOW than wait until later with only more complications. Glad he apologized for the name/label calling. That isnt appropriate since he also has a past but there must be something about his past that he sees different than yours. That is what needs to be discussed to help determine if there really is a compatibility between you. Values do matter in a relationship if you really are interested in it becomming serious.