[InACorner]

i finally called my mom a few weeks ago...and i told her about my dissociation and stuff....and it sounded like she really understood and was really supportive....and now im starting to actually ...think... about the conversation...i told her i would be "not in my body" and she would tell me something and i wouldnt actually get the message and then i would be coming back...and i would come back to her screaming at me and i would leave again because i couldnt handle the situation.....and her response to that was...oh so its all moms fault....which i said no its not all your fault im just trying to explain it in certain situations....and then she said i definitly think you need to see a therapist....when i was living with you i was the one walking on egg shells ..What??? You walking on egg shells....you didnt even want to hang out with me...i never saw you...how could you be the one walking on egg shells....you only wanted to hang me out with me if i drank or told you gossip about people then you would want to hang with me...but i didnt say all of that....i just said a quiet yea....i thought it was a good conversation...but really...i dont know....then all my mom did was say i wasnt trying hard enough to get a therapist but i told her i have no car and my bf who is my ride has school in the morning and then we both have work 30 minutes after he gets home....and then we get home at 11....when the heck do i go if he is always at work or school...but she says id figure it out ...and to try harder...oh well...

my whole life i just wanted to read and be by myself...in high school i was in art and worked two jobs...trying to work three...i got Bs granted...not As ...but my counciler said i had a solid B GPA and that it was really good...but my whole life my mother tried to portray me as a junkie ...lol who never did drugs.....and was terrible...i dont know...she wanted me to be popular.....wear makeup....go out ..and i just wanted to be by myself....she turns it around ...she makes it sound good...i fall in her trap...and then i realize it after awhile that she is critizing me and just creating it the way she wants...i dont know...sorry for my rant

[InACorner]

17 people read...and nothing....others have been responded over 24 times....

at least once!!!

nothing...

not even people screaming mean unsupportive stuff at me......

[Pita]

Inny - sorry I just read your post and could not think of any response that would help other than I am sorry that your Mom is that way. The only thing I can think of is that your Mom does not understand and it makes her afraid for herself and for you. She just wants everything to be "normal" and probably feels, at some level, responsible - that she failed. I don't know - just know that with Mom's it is always difficult and complicated. Hope things get better for you - take care.

[InACorner]

thank you pita

(((((pita)))

it honestly doesnt matter....as long as a hug...or an im sorry...just something...it just kinda hurts to see everyone else getting so much support and i dont even get a cough...or a cricket in the backround....lol....just even saying i have no clue what you said but im sorry ...would mean alot to me....my mom is a very sore subject with me and im trying hard...she was an undercover abuser if you know what i mean....oh well..i guess ive been blubbering alot....

[Pita]

((((Inny))))
I am sorry - I do know that some things we just cannot fix even though we desperately want to and with parents we know that they are supposed to love and care about us and put their children above all else but some parents can't or won't do that and that is a pain that does not fix or go away. It does not stop the child in us from longing for a parent like we are supposed to have. Accept all the love you get from others and make sure to love yourself and take wonderful care of yourself because you matter - you are important - and you are loved.

[MyBestKids2]

(((((((inny))))))))

I just wanted you to know I read your story and I CARE....


Dee

[spal]

Your mother sounds like a very nonsupportive person. I might even go as far as to call her toxic. You are right to think that your conversation with her was not great.

My own mother was toxic: a self-involved, criticizing woman. Despite the fact that I knew that it came from her own issues of abuse and low self-esteem, I had to limit contact with her and afterwards try to put the negativity she put out into perspective. Knowing the reasons for someone's destructiveness doesn't mean that you have to give them a pass on toxic behaviour. It just means that you have more information about where it comes from and can distance yourself with compassion instead of anger.

It is not your job to fix your mother and sometimes -- and this is the big tragedy of life -- you have to choose between your own sanity and what would make your mother happy, which in this case means catering to her views of who you are. My advice is to stick to what makes you healthy. Your mother will not like it and will surely raise a fuss that you are not helping her fulfill her own negative unhealthy pattern. The saying, "Misery loves company" comes from this very concept.

I think the big sacred cow that you have to love your parents has got to be re-examined in general. Whose definition of love are we using? Love, according to some parents can mean totally capitulating one's identity and integrity. You can be kind, respectful but know where your boundaries are. I also think that as a child of toxic parents I engaged in a lot of fairy-tale thinking which set me up for a lot of disappointment which I would act out of in a totally negative way. I would change and they would love me. I would try harder and they would see what a great person I really was ... blah, blah, blah. It wasn't until I was able to accept the reality of who they were that I could set up some boundaries that I could stick with. It was really all up to me all the time. It was my choice to listen to garbage instead of limiting the conversation.

Best of luck with this. I have been where you are now and truly sympathize.