[PapoPez22]

My boyfriend failed to take our cat to the ASPCA neutering station again. This time, he didn’t hear the alarm. It’s probably the 10th time he fails to get her neutered. The justifications/excuses vary: he either didn’t get enough sleep last night so he decided to take her next time, or it was raining, or it was way too cold for our cat to be taken out, or he got there and it was too late to get a turn, or he forgot that the cat needed to be fasting, or he just decided that the day was not appropriate.

The reason why it bothers me so much is because I see this as a reflection of his life.

Ever since I met him, I knew about his artistic dreams and his financial struggles, especially his huge student loans. We met working together, and he was using his income to support his dad while he was going through a rough patch. I saw a loving and passionate guy who cared about his family more than anything, and who was willing to do whatever it takes to achieve his dreams, not only for himself, but to provide for the ones he loved the most.

Fast-forward 6.5 years later and the picture has dramatically changed. After 8months together, he moved to another city where he saw possibilities to make it big. I joined him a year later, went to school, found a part-time job, and worked my butt off doing both at the same time for 2.5 years to make it happen for myself while making ends meet. I finally graduated and found a full-time job in my field with a decent income. It’s been 4 years and I’ve managed to have a decent modest life with my finances in order.

Meanwhile, during these 4 years, my boyfriend has pretty much depended on me to make ends meet, or just to support him financially. During our 1st year living together, he collected unemployment. Then, he held a job with a friend that lasted for about 4 months. Then he found a job, and got laid off. Then, they hired him back, and months later laid him off again. He collected unemployment again until it ran out. And ever since then, I’ve been paying for pretty much everything in the house except his cellphone and sometimes his metro-card. He has been officially unemployed for 1year and 4 months.

On one hand, he has become a great househusband: he cooks, he cleans, he buys all the things that we need (with my money), he looks out for me and whatnot. But on the other hand… it really, really, really upsets me to be with someone who is not being a provider. I’ve been working since I was 10years-old, and I come from a family who strongly values work ethics. When my dad lost his well-paying job, he found a job at a hotel’s laundry working late night shifts. He did that for a year because he knew his “pride” was not as important as being a provider for his family. And that’s something that marked my life.

Now, I know my boyfriend and I don’t have children, but I see months going by and nothing is happening in his life. His efforts to achieve his dreams are there, but they are mild and I feel like maybe they are not pointed in the right direction. And as much as I appreciate him taking care of our home, this is not something we agreed to at all. In fact, I intentionally put little effort in our house chores because I feel like, if he’s not working or providing any source of income, he should take care of it while I’m the one who’s working +50hrs a week and paying for everything, even leisure. What I really want is to be a team, both putting 50-50 of effort in everything and sharing responsibilities (financially, house chores, leisure… everything).

Meanwhile, he accuses me of doble-standard: “if the tables where turned, you would feel OK with me supporting you”, “if I earned the kind of money you do, I would pay for everything and let you achieve your dreams” (although… I’ve never been unemployed for more than 2 months, and wouldn’t let myself be unemployed for more than a year). He accuses me of being lucky: “you’ve had it easy because you had people that helped you, you studied something that has a lot of demand, you got a job in a field that pays really well”. He accuses me of being cold, of not empathizing with him: “you knew all of my struggles since you met me”, “you know that music is my dream and I’m never going to stop until I make it” (btw, I’ve never, ever, asked him to quit his dreams), “if you had all the debts that I’ve had to deal with, you wouldn’t be able to handle it”, “do you know how much these problems put me down?”. He accuses me of being condescending: “you’re always rubbing things on my face”, “I can’t wait till the day that I can pay you back all the money you’ve lend me (it should be about +$15,000 by now, but I stopped counting 2 years ago), and then some more, so you stop throwing that on my face”.

I don’t know if these things are right or wrong. I lose perspective because I feel so fed up, I can only see what I see and feel. I always wonder what he would have done if I wasn’t here for him.

I also think A LOT about our future… because I feel like there is none. I secretly dream of being engaged, getting married, having kids. I’m in my mid-30s and don’t have a lot of time left to start a family. And as our 7th anniversary approaches, I feel like I’m wasting my time. More so, when the subject comes up, I’ve never felt like he is unequivocally convinced that I’m the one, you know? I don’t feel this strong desire from him of like, “yes, I know is tough right now, but I’m going to fix it because I don’t want to lose you, I want us to be together and build a future, blablabla”… Instead, he always says “We can’t get married yet because of all my financial burdens, it wouldn’t be fair to you,lets see what happens, maybe one day we will”. I have no doubts that he loves me, but I feel like he puts up with me because he needs me, because no other woman would be willing to put up with all of his baggage. And I do love him too, I just feel I’m being taken advantage of somehow.

Thoughts? Is there a chance to do something differently? A possibility of change? Am I being unfair, cold, unconsidered? Does he have a point? Do I have point?

I think you already know the answer and I think you know what you need to do, but perhaps need reassurance.

Have you ever read the book "He's just not that into you?" Watching the movie won't tell you what you need to know. Yes its a cute movie, but the book is much more "in your face" and to the point.

So anyway, there's this story about a woman who is with a guy for around the same amount of time, I think 7 years? (This story reminds me of yours.) The guy is telling the woman that one day they'll get married, when the time is right, when this is right, when that is right. One day it hits the woman that HE has never said those words "I want to marry you"-----its always her who brings up the topic of marriage and he's the one saying "one day..." So the woman makes this realization that the guy isn't into her and instantly dumps the guy. She then finds a man who IS into her and thinks she's great, doesn't understand why she's not already married. Yes, its a book, and yes, its likely been fictionalized a bit, but the point is still there. If this guy was mad about you and totally head over heels and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, he'd be showing you how much he loves you! Instead, your guy is using manipulation tactics to keep you around. (This isn't love.)

I think that 7 years is more than enough time for someone to change. You're not being cold and unfair. You want kids and marriage and.... This guy cannot give you what you need/want. In reality, you can end a relationship for whatever reason you so desire. If you hang on because its not fair to the other person (for whatever reason).....what is the point? Why sacrifice yourself and your wants/needs for someone who can't give you what you desire? Honestly, if you stay with this guy and don't have kids, you are going to regret it MAJORLY. Resentment will grow and if you're past your childbearing years it may make you a bit bitter for the rest of your life. The kids issue is something that I firmly believe partners need to be on the same page----if not, cut loose and find someone who is interested and able to have kids and doesn't give a million excuses why he doesn't want kids. (Remember, guys can have kids until they're geriatric, women can't----so the bio clock is indeed ticking for you while he has no concerns about this.)

As for him throwing all of those money issues in your face and saying if the shoes were turned you would be lucky to have someone support you? Uhm, I hate to say this, but MOST guys these days don't want a woman who is going to sponge off of them! I say "sponge" in the sense that there is no marriage, no kids to take care of, etc and one partner just sees the other partner as a source of money while they go out and follow their dreams. Once marriage and kids enter the picture, its more of a division of labor, as its important for a parent to be there to take care of the kids.

There are quite a few red flags....

He's in major debt. (Do you realize how this alone will put a huge crimp on your future plans?)

He can't hold a job. He has no desire to hold a job. (Yeah, following your dreams is great but he's a little boy in a man's body. The real world has responsibilities----do you know how many famous people were working 3 jobs on the side while simultaneously pursuing their dreams? Most weren't just sponging off a partner until they made it big. Not to mention the fact that MOST people don't actually make it big. He has a lot of growing up to do.)

He can't even accomplish something like neutering the cat! (10 "attempts" with 10 excuses? Its not about the cat issue, its about this being a reflection of the larger issue at hand.)

Remember, in the end, its your life and you can choose to live it however you please. And remember, there is no wrong reason for wanting out of a relationship. You can actually end it for no reason at all. It sounds to me like he's using you and manipulating you so that he can stay lazy. I fear that you've crossed the bridge and are now to the point of enabling him. There's no rule that says one partner must financially support the other person if they don't want to work and want to willy-nilly follow their dreams. I think he has a lot of growing up to do, and I think that's only going to happen once you stop supporting him. Don't let him manipulate you into changing your mind and giving up your dreams of marriage and a family.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by AlexCL0730

My boyfriend failed to take our cat to the ASPCA neutering station again. This time, he didn’t hear the alarm. It’s probably the 10th time he fails to get her neutered. The justifications/excuses vary: he either didn’t get enough sleep last night so he decided to take her next time, or it was raining, or it was way too cold for our cat to be taken out, or he got there and it was too late to get a turn, or he forgot that the cat needed to be fasting, or he just decided that the day was not appropriate.

The reason why it bothers me so much is because I see this as a reflection of his life.

Ever since I met him, I knew about his artistic dreams and his financial struggles, especially his huge student loans. We met working together, and he was using his income to support his dad while he was going through a rough patch. I saw a loving and passionate guy who cared about his family more than anything, and who was willing to do whatever it takes to achieve his dreams, not only for himself, but to provide for the ones he loved the most.

Fast-forward 6.5 years later and the picture has dramatically changed. After 8months together, he moved to another city where he saw possibilities to make it big. I joined him a year later, went to school, found a part-time job, and worked my butt off doing both at the same time for 2.5 years to make it happen for myself while making ends meet. I finally graduated and found a full-time job in my field with a decent income. It’s been 4 years and I’ve managed to have a decent modest life with my finances in order.

Meanwhile, during these 4 years, my boyfriend has pretty much depended on me to make ends meet, or just to support him financially. During our 1st year living together, he collected unemployment. Then, he held a job with a friend that lasted for about 4 months. Then he found a job, and got laid off. Then, they hired him back, and months later laid him off again. He collected unemployment again until it ran out. And ever since then, I’ve been paying for pretty much everything in the house except his cellphone and sometimes his metro-card. He has been officially unemployed for 1year and 4 months.

On one hand, he has become a great househusband: he cooks, he cleans, he buys all the things that we need (with my money), he looks out for me and whatnot. But on the other hand… it really, really, really upsets me to be with someone who is not being a provider. I’ve been working since I was 10years-old, and I come from a family who strongly values work ethics. When my dad lost his well-paying job, he found a job at a hotel’s laundry working late night shifts. He did that for a year because he knew his “pride” was not as important as being a provider for his family. And that’s something that marked my life.

Now, I know my boyfriend and I don’t have children, but I see months going by and nothing is happening in his life. His efforts to achieve his dreams are there, but they are mild and I feel like maybe they are not pointed in the right direction. And as much as I appreciate him taking care of our home, this is not something we agreed to at all. In fact, I intentionally put little effort in our house chores because I feel like, if he’s not working or providing any source of income, he should take care of it while I’m the one who’s working +50hrs a week and paying for everything, even leisure. What I really want is to be a team, both putting 50-50 of effort in everything and sharing responsibilities (financially, house chores, leisure… everything).

Meanwhile, he accuses me of doble-standard: “if the tables where turned, you would feel OK with me supporting you”, “if I earned the kind of money you do, I would pay for everything and let you achieve your dreams” (although… I’ve never been unemployed for more than 2 months, and wouldn’t let myself be unemployed for more than a year). He accuses me of being lucky: “you’ve had it easy because you had people that helped you, you studied something that has a lot of demand, you got a job in a field that pays really well”. He accuses me of being cold, of not empathizing with him: “you knew all of my struggles since you met me”, “you know that music is my dream and I’m never going to stop until I make it” (btw, I’ve never, ever, asked him to quit his dreams), “if you had all the debts that I’ve had to deal with, you wouldn’t be able to handle it”, “do you know how much these problems put me down?”. He accuses me of being condescending: “you’re always rubbing things on my face”, “I can’t wait till the day that I can pay you back all the money you’ve lend me (it should be about +$15,000 by now, but I stopped counting 2 years ago), and then some more, so you stop throwing that on my face”.

I don’t know if these things are right or wrong. I lose perspective because I feel so fed up, I can only see what I see and feel. I always wonder what he would have done if I wasn’t here for him.

I also think A LOT about our future… because I feel like there is none. I secretly dream of being engaged, getting married, having kids. I’m in my mid-30s and don’t have a lot of time left to start a family. And as our 7th anniversary approaches, I feel like I’m wasting my time. More so, when the subject comes up, I’ve never felt like he is unequivocally convinced that I’m the one, you know? I don’t feel this strong desire from him of like, “yes, I know is tough right now, but I’m going to fix it because I don’t want to lose you, I want us to be together and build a future, blablabla”… Instead, he always says “We can’t get married yet because of all my financial burdens, it wouldn’t be fair to you,lets see what happens, maybe one day we will”. I have no doubts that he loves me, but I feel like he puts up with me because he needs me, because no other woman would be willing to put up with all of his baggage. And I do love him too, I just feel I’m being taken advantage of somehow.

Thoughts? Is there a chance to do something differently? A possibility of change? Am I being unfair, cold, unconsidered? Does he have a point? Do I have point?

Golden waves was spot on. Of course, it is your life and ultimately you need to do what's best for you.
You are a also right about him failing to get the cat neutered IS a reflection of the bigger picture. He will probably use the excuses for any kind of responsibility he is faced with during his life. Unless he learns the hard way.
Il tell you from experience though, your situation sounded a lot like mine did and now I'm in a horrible situation because I was too stupid and blinded by 'love' to do what was right.
I met my partner almost 9 years ago. We didn't date until years after we met, but he pursued me for almost 4 years. He worked away at the time, was on a TV show, had a home and seemed to have his gig together.
We finally started dating and I saw this kind, caring man. He had money coming in, he had a job, he had a vehicle and always so attentive. Within a year, he wanted to live together and said my rental was in a nicer location for us. So he moved in. He said he wanted to marry me, have kids (everything I wanted to hear basically).
A month after he moved in, he called me upset from work and said there was an accident at work and his foreman was being unsafe. I told him to screw the job and come home.
He did and I supported him, working full time. He would get a job a month later, after a few months something else would happen at work and he was unemployed again. I thought we were hit with bad luck so I worked harder to get us out of the rut. He always had money so I figured he had saved up for a rainy day and didn't worry. I fell pregnant soon after this and we were over the moon.
During my pregnancy, the lies started to unravel, he had been claiming unemployment while working, so they started to take it off our taxes. I found out the rental he had moved out of, was because he hadn't kept up with payments. I found debts up to his eyeballs from child maintenance, vehicles, a quad plus the unemployment he needed to pay back.
Basically, he had manipulated me into thinking that he was kind, caring, in love with me and wanting to move forward. Yet he couldnt keep a job, had his license taken away and sucked me dry and into debt with him. Now I'm facing being a single mother, with no chance of receiving a penny from him and he turned NASTY when I made it clear his lies were out in the open.

Take it from me, don't ignore the red flags.. it never gets better. Get out before you are tied to with marriage and kids!

[Crazy Hitch]

I didn't get a chance to read the whole post as I'm getting ready for work but I did read the first part and you've clearly stated "our" cat.

Clearly this is an issue and I'm kinda wondering why you haven't been proactive and just done it yourself then.

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I didn't get a chance to read the whole post as I'm getting ready for work but I did read the first part and you've clearly stated "our" cat.

Clearly this is an issue and I'm kinda wondering why you haven't been proactive and just done it yourself then.

I think this is a case where its best to read the whole post instead of replying to just the first part. Of course she could just go get the cat neutered herself, but that misses the big picture. If she does everything herself and her bf has no responsibility, why even be in a relationship? Relationships are about give/take. This guy is a big sponge!

[PapoPez22]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I didn't get a chance to read the whole post as I'm getting ready for work but I did read the first part and you've clearly stated "our" cat.

Clearly this is an issue and I'm kinda wondering why you haven't been proactive and just done it yourself then.

Hahaha, thanks for pointing that out. Well, the cat issue happened this morning and, as GoldenWaves mentioned above, it is part of a bigger issue,… that’s why I began my post with it. Also, he can get her neutered for $5 dollars because he is unemployed. I am not, so I would have to pay $125,… I think the math is quite obvious there.

Also, he has all the time in the world to do it, while I work +50hours a week!

[Erebos]

Just a side note about him "making it"
It's not music he loves it's fame, or the idea of.
I have friends and relatives who love music. They write and play in their free time. And then they work where they can within the industry.
As a sound tech, or a music teacher,a voice coach, one plays in a bar. They tutor in their given skill, if they need too.write music for t.v,games adverts.
They live and breath their music.not everyone in music can be famous.
He just wants to be discovered and that isn't gonna happen sitting in your Apartment.

You have matured in what you desire in a relationship, he has not.
Perhaps if you spelt it out, calmly,not during an argument he would get it.
Do remember though he gets away with this.behaviour only for as long as you allow it.

[TishaBuv]

Funny aside here-- my neighbor had a bf who was sent to the vet with the kittens. My mom saw him sitting on the front steps with a box and asked him what was up. He said the vet had to put the kittens to sleep (I don't know why) and he was waiting for them to wake up.

[Bill3]

It sounds like in your heart of hearts you know that you need to put an end to this relationship.

[MickeyCheeky]

I think you're right about having doubts about him and your relationship. But I also think he needs help. I'm not saying you should be the one to give him that help.. it's your choice. But I think he's legitimately struggling with something and he needs help.. but about you, you have to think of yourself. If you don't think he's the right guy for you, then you know what to do.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by AlexCL0730

Hahaha, thanks for pointing that out. Well, the cat issue happened this morning and, as GoldenWaves mentioned above, it is part of a bigger issue,… that’s why I began my post with it. Also, he can get her neutered for $5 dollars because he is unemployed. I am not, so I would have to pay $125,… I think the math is quite obvious there.

Also, he has all the time in the world to do it, while I work +50hours a week!

Makes sense and thanks for not taking offence to my rushed reply

You pay his bills and he tells you: "Music is my dream and I’m never going to stop until I make it."

[PapoPez22]

[QUOTE=Anonymous37894;5492459]I think you already know the answer and I think you know what you need to do, but perhaps need reassurance.

Wow… “He’s not that into you”, yes, I read the book after watching the movie, and completely forgot about it. I must have left it back home, I wonder if it is still there. But yes, I see your point, and I find it funny that I’ve heard of so many couples that end their relationships after 7 years together (my boyfriend's previous relationship also lasted for 7 years). I’ve always wondered what's the reason behind it. Anyway, I feel loved (most of the time), and we have talked about future, marriage and family, but it is definitely secondary… “first, we gotta solve this, and that”,... and those things do not have a short-term solution, and I don't have a lot of time.

And I do agree on the sponge thing. I don’t even see myself as someone who could live off from my partner, I would get depressed and lose my sense of purpose, you know? So I really don't get how he has allowed more than a year to go by like this. He has been looking for jobs, but honestly I don't know that he is putting the kind of effort that he should. And when you mention how many people have worked 3 jobs on the side while pursuing their dreams, that's exactly what I been trying to tell him when I say I don’t see him putting all the effort he could. And funny that you say “he has a lot of growing up to do”, because he really thinks that he is more mature and knows more about life than me because he has lived by himself since he was 19. Says the guy who doesn't has his stuff together. The nerve.

A new layer to our relationship is that his father might be diagnosed this week with a very serious disease (and honestly, the panorama is not promising, I’m expecting the worst, hope I'm wrong), and some family members suspect that his mother might be struggling with a mental illness, too. He does feel the pressure now to get a job in whatever he can find to support them, so that’s good, but now it’s like… Is this going to complicate our relationship even more? Is this a bad time to break up?

And, yes, I’ve crossed the bridge of enabling him, I'm sure. Not just me, but his family as well, just not as much as I have since I’m the one living with him. I guess part of the reason is that I have no one else in this city and I’m afraid of being all by myself. All my good friends have moved out, and I have no family here. But I guess I’ll need to grow out of it.

[PapoPez22]

Oh my god, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that! That sounds horrible and so unfair. Yes, I can see myself through the first half of your story, although I don't feel like my boyfriend ever hid anything from me. But yes, I think about the future, what if we had kids together, what kind of dad would he be and that stuff... I think he would be a great dad in terms of relationship, but financially, I can only see a disaster happening.

And thank you for this:

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

You are a also right about him failing to get the cat neutered IS a reflection of the bigger picture. He will probably use the excuses for any kind of responsibility he is faced with during his life. Unless he learns the hard way.

Yes, i feel like he is always finding an excuse for everything that goes wrong in his life. I try to make him see it, but he just refuses. And I told him again this morning when the cat issue happened, and he refuted it as well. It is like he truly believes it is not him, it's the world. I'm tired of the excuses...

[PapoPez22]

Originally Posted by Erebos

Just a side note about him "making it"
It's not music he loves it's fame, or the idea of.
I have friends and relatives who love music. They write and play in their free time. And then they work where they can within the industry.
As a sound tech, or a music teacher, a voice coach, one plays in a bar. They tutor in their given skill, if they need too.write music for t.v,games adverts.
They live and breath their music.not everyone in music can be famous.
He just wants to be discovered and that isn't gonna happen sitting in your Apartment.

You have matured in what you desire in a relationship, he has not.
Perhaps if you spelt it out, calmly,not during an argument he would get it.
Do remember though he gets away with this behaviour only for as long as you allow it.

His case is a little different because he is not a musician, but an aspiring music producer. He has a few friends/aspiring artists who he works with, but just like you said, "he is not going to get discovered sitting in his apartment"... I've told him this thousands of times. He needs to get out there and expose himself as much as he can.

Perfect words. Thank you so much.

[Bill3]

I've told him this thousands of times.

Just wondering how many more times you need to tell him before you get the message.

[PapoPez22]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Funny aside here-- my neighbor had a bf who was sent to the vet with the kittens. My mom saw him sitting on the front steps with a box and asked him what was up. He said the vet had to put the kittens to sleep (I don't know why) and he was waiting for them to wake up.

Oh my gosh!! That's funny in a really, really sad, terrible way! </3

[PapoPez22]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Just wondering how many more times you need to tell him before you get the message.

I see what you did there, and I appreciate it.

[PapoPez22]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I think you're right about having doubts about him and your relationship. But I also think he needs help. I'm not saying you should be the one to give him that help.. it's your choice. But I think he's legitimately struggling with something and he needs help.. but about you, you have to think of yourself. If you don't think he's the right guy for you, then you know what to do.

We have spoken about that, too.

He is absolutely frustrated that he spent so much money on his education and hasn't been able to find a job in his field because there is barely any demand. Also, he is overwhelmed with his student loans. I honestly don't blame him.

I've identified that he has good ideas, but has trouble getting them into action. He spends too much time trying to figure out all the whys and worrying about things that are valid — which is good, but sometimes you need to stop thinking so much and start doing. He wants to solve problems, go from A to Z, but struggles to get through the process in-between.

I also believe 100% that not-working can drive you to a deep depression, especially when you stay indoors all the time. He is very pro-mental health, but he doesn't has the means to go to a doctor right now, of course.

[PapoPez22]

Originally Posted by Lefty the Salesman

You pay his bills and he tells you: "Music is my dream and I’m never going to stop until I make it."

Is not exactly like that. That's just him saying that, no matter what he does, he is never going to forget his real goal in life — which is valid. I'm rooting for him, but I just want him to get a job already so I don't have to cover his share anymore, once and for all!

Well, his dream seems like his #1 priority, so he probably can't think well of the relationship when he's starting to realize his dream is fading out.
I read about negative symptoms happening to men who turn into stay-at-home partners - they can develop that kind of complaining and can even develop depression.
I think going deep into his heart and understanding that he is devastated by his dream's outcome and being empathetic can ease his pain. It can take time, but it has to start with LEAP (Listening, Empathy, Acceptance and Partnering). You're partnering greatly as I see. Eventually you're gonna have to be there for each other, through the highs and through the lows.
He's not a loser, but feels life a loser. I'd say he's quite the warrior fighting for his dreams, you should be proud of it!
He may be depressed. I think he should get as much help and support as possible. Start with yourself, offer your heart and time for him, use both your free time to be there for him, even if it means staying at home and just talking things out at times for instance.
If you've really reached a point your help does nothing, consider a therapist to help guide him to a more suitable path regarding his dreams on one hand, and the current situation on the other hand.

[Marylin]

Alex I think your boyfriend is a bum and a jerk to complain about you daring to suggest that he is being carried financially by you,that is the big issue in my eyes.He is being carried financially by you and I think it is a pipe dream that he will make it big musically someday,a focus on the future that gives him an excuse not to work now meanwhile he takes YOU for granted and your money.There is no comeback,no consequences to him not shouldering responsibility so he won't care,not if the cat doesn't get neutered,not how much debt he is in or how much money he owes you.Face it he is dependent on you and can't lose you,so if that means promising you money and kids he will do it,talk is cheap.

The BIG QUESTION is how do you feal, about spending your hard earned cash supporting him while he sleeps half the day and even skimps on doing the chores so you have to think about sometimes doing them but leave them for him cos he does nothing else?
How do you feel about wanting kids and all the responsibilities of them but he can't even get the cat to be neutered and do you still want to be the main breadwinner if you have kids?You said if you are honest your heart isn't into having kids with him.There is your answer.Why continue to shelter him from the storms of life when he is not grateful but complaining and demanding that if the shoe was on the other foot you be expecting it,and he is kind of saying he expects it too off you without setting a time limit on how long this will continue.If you keep doing this at least give him a date by which he has to come good or he is out on his ear earning his own bucks.

[Marylin]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Well, his dream seems like his #1 priority, so he probably can't think well of the relationship when he's starting to realize his dream is fading out.
I read about negative symptoms happening to men who turn into stay-at-home partners - they can develop that kind of complaining and can even develop depression.
I think going deep into his heart and understanding that he is devastated by his dream's outcome and being empathetic can ease his pain. It can take time, but it has to start with LEAP (Listening, Empathy, Acceptance and Partnering). You're partnering greatly as I see. Eventually you're gonna have to be there for each other, through the highs and through the lows.
He's not a loser, but feels life a loser. I'd say he's quite the warrior fighting for his dreams, you should be proud of it!
He may be depressed. I think he should get as much help and support as possible. Start with yourself, offer your heart and time for him, use both your free time to be there for him, even if it means staying at home and just talking things out at times for instance.
If you've really reached a point your help does nothing, consider a therapist to help guide him to a more suitable path regarding his dreams on one hand, and the current situation on the other hand.

I think this advice is wrong,sentimental claptrap,I don't see anything wrong with your expectation that he pulls his weight and doesn't continue to use you as a cash cow.Wanting to make it big in music is his ego talking,if he were any good at it he'd have made it by now or at least be making a living out of it.The truth it seems to me is he is deluded if he thinks it is still going to happen or he knows it won't and is out of ideas how to earn a living,he is a one trick pony whose time is running out,the dream is fading and I think you have been there for him enough.it isn't emotional support he needs it is tough love.kick him into the here and now and show him you aren't his indulgent mother unconditionally hanging to cater to his every need while you shoulder all the burdens and make all the sacrifices.I can't believe someone is advising you to be gentle with him and support him emotionally,you already give it all financially.You work 50 hours a week he can't be bothered to take the cat to the vet,and someone is now asking you to give your few precious spare time to emotionally support the loser layabout as well.Well if that is love nowdays stuff it,I thought partnership was equal contributions equal responsibility anything else is dependency,resentment,and negative emotions.

Originally Posted by Marylin

I think this advice is wrong,sentimental claptrap,I don't see anything wrong with your expectation that he pulls his weight and doesn't continue to use you as a cash cow.Wanting to make it big in music is his ego talking,if he were any good at it he'd have made it by now or at least be making a living out of it.The truth it seems to me is he is deluded if he thinks it is still going to happen or he knows it won't and is out of ideas how to earn a living,he is a one trick pony whose time is running out,the dream is fading and I think you have been there for him enough.it isn't emotional support he needs it is tough love.kick him into the here and now and show him you aren't his indulgent mother unconditionally hanging to cater to his every need while you shoulder all the burdens and make all the sacrifices.I can't believe someone is advising you to be gentle with him and support him emotionally,you already give it all financially.You work 50 hours a week he can't be bothered to take the cat to the vet,and someone is now asking you to give your few precious spare time to emotionally support the loser layabout as well.Well if that is love nowdays stuff it,I thought partnership was equal contributions equal responsibility anything else is dependency,resentment,and negative emotions.

I don't want to point arguments, but I will say this:
If you love someone you won't throw him right away. You'll want to work things out as best as you can.
If OP, or a part of OP, didn't want to work things out, she wouldn't have made this thread.
We all have our opinions based on our knowledge and personal experiences, but eventually the choice will be hers.

With best regards

[Marylin]

Merely giving my opinion,of course the choice is down to the OP goes without saying.I think the OP is saying she has fallen out of love with him.