Loving someone whose partner died recently

Hello dear people,
My name is Iris and I am 29 years old. I am writing to you because I am dealing with a complicated situation and I need some advice from someone from the outside. I tend to lose sight of certain things because of my deep involvement and I could really use some help...

Little over a year ago, I met a man who had lost his fiance in a tragic accident. They were supposed to get married but she died in a mass car crash, in which he was also badly injured. He is still physically recovering from this event. At first, we were just friends. We used to spend hours messaging each other or having long conversations on the phone.

I discovered slowly that he was an amazing person and I fell in love with him.

Our bond started out as platonic. He told me that he cared about me and that he loved spending time with me, and, truth is, we have a lot in common and when we're together it just feels right. After a few months, things started getting more intimate and we spent more and more time together.

It began to feel like a relationship of sorts, except for the moments when he was very cold, and disappeared for a few days. As these mood changes started to bother me, I had a conversation with him and he told me he didn't know if he could ever love again, that he was still very much in love with his partner who had died so tragically, and that he cannot get involved in a relationship right now. He said he did not want to hurt me, that he felt a connection to me and that I was one of the few people he actually liked having around.

After this talk, I stuck around, as I find myself to be deeply in love with him and I have the feeling he can be a good partner, once he finds a way to heal - physically and emotionally.

I totally understand what he is going through but, sometimes, I must admit the whole confusion takes a toll on me. I often feel like I am on a rollercoaster, as sometimes he is warm and tender, and other times he is distant, aloof, and does not want to spend time with me.

I am torn between understanding his situation, and feeling used. I sometimes feel like letting it all go, but then he does something nice and I feel guilty because I do not want to abandon him in this fight he is leading. Also, I find myself comparing myself to his ex-partner, feeling like I will never be enough, even feeling jealous sometimes, which, again, I see as selfish insecurities.

I do not know how to handle this situation wisely...What do you advise?

Thank you so much for reading this!

Warm regards,

Iris

Hello Iris: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

I don't know as I am the best member here to be advising you with regard to this. (I'm just a solitary old geezer.) What strikes me here is that the trauma your friend has experienced is going to take a lot of time & work to heal. Just how long it may take depends, to some extent, on what he's doing to facilitate his healing process.

My personal opinion is that he needs to be actively seeing a grief therapist who can help him, over a period of time, to work through his grief & figure out where he wants to go from here. If he's just "hanging on", so to speak, waiting & hoping that time will heal his wounds, this is (from my perspective) a bad sign. He's going to be hurting for a long time. And if you stay with him, you're going be hurting as well.

On the other hand, from what you wrote, it sounds as though you've somewhat fallen in love with this gentleman. That being the case, perhaps some individual counseling / therapy for yourself might not be a bad idea either to help you sort out how you feel about this. And along the way, some couples counseling may be appropriate for the two of you as well.

I know that sounds like a lot of "stuff". And it is. But I think if the two of you are going to have a chance to make it as a couple over the long haul, then openly & deliberately taking on what your friend has experienced is going to be vital. Open & honest communication is vital to any successful long-term relationship. If either of you is not prepared to make this kind of commitment then my advice, for what it's worth, is to seriously consider letting the relationship go.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

I think you can not push him...a year is not that long to grieve...if they were engaged than the relationship was at a peak and for her to suddenly die is a big blow.

He clearly said he is not ready and does not want to hurt you.

I hate to say this but I don't think you are being "used" because I would hate to think that you would allow yourself to be used..and I think as a man....if there are feelings there for you and sex is on the table he is not going to turn it down..after all you are a close friend to him and I'm sure he would rather have sex with a close friend when he is down and out than go find some random stranger.

I really think looking from the outside that I would step back from this situation. I would find time to spend with other friends and family members and do not make him the center of your world. You can very easily push someone away entirely when they say they need to not be in a loving relationship right now and then you keep going down that road by sleeping with him...and having that platonic relationship with him.

I see you getting hurt in this situation but I don't think that blame can be put on him as he has been honest with you about his feelings.

Like I said..step back find other activities besides this gentlemen....maybe if it is such a good connection in time you two may end up dating but now is clearly not the time (in his words) to pursue the avenue of becoming a "couple".

Hello guys,

Thanks so much to both of you for the advice and kind words.
They have given me something to think about. Some new insight is always great.

Skeezyks, I'm sure you are not old at all! Age is only a number. Plus, the best advice comes from experienced individuals.

Indeed, communication is key, always, and we have spoken about the situation, but I think, as you said, on the long haul it's going to be even more important to keep things as clear as possible.

Therapy is a great idea and I will consider it for myself. He has had counseling along the way, but he is very stubborn and independent and is reluctant to open up in a professional setting. Maybe I can suggest that to him in a warm and friendly way.

Thanks for all the feedback! I love this forum and will make the most of my time here.

Misssy 2, your words were a little more direct, but I appreciate it. Indeed, being an adult, I knew what I was getting myself into and I did not shy away from it because of my feelings toward this man.

The feeling of being used is something I resent but it comes to me involuntarily. I'm not the whiny type and I don't like to victimize myself (I come from a family where I have seen a lot of my loved ones indulge in victimhood and I have always done my best to avoid it, as it brings nothing good).

But you are right in that he has been honest with me and has not promised me anything.

However, as feelings go, even if I know all of these facts rationally, it is sometimes hard to always be cerebral about the whole thing.

I will think about your advice! I do spend a lot of time with my family and friends. I have learned from past relationships that focusing all your energy on one person is more often than not, destructive for both the people and the relationship.

Thanks again and if anyone else has any extra-feedback, it would be muuuuch appreciated.

I'll try to keep this as concise as possible, since its actually a very detailed story. Lol

Uhm, so my bf and I have known each other forever, we were close friends in HS and fell in love, but didn't act on it.

After HS he went abroad for a few years, and by the time we actually rekindled our friendship in 2009, we discovered we were still very much in love.

Problem was, his GF had recently taken her own life (and I suffer severe depressions) and I had just come out of an abusive relationship...

So what did we do?

Well we had a good long talk and neither wanted to be without the other, but we weren't ready for each other either.

So we decided to have a "no pressure non-relationship" idk how better to label it.

Basically we didn't make any plans for the future, it was a zero expectations, live in the here and now, yet exclusive deal.

Lol we actually tried to play it very cool and pretend it was super casual, but we failed at that part of the experiment, the emotions were apparent, even when they weren't being verbalized.

So yeah, kinda unorthodox, but it worked for us at the time.

Sucks but I was ready for a labeled relationship way before him, but I just reminded myself what I signed up for, and exercised some loving patience.

Which paid off, we're still together and going stronger than ever, things are even more traditional now. Lol

*Just thought I'd share my experience.

I have no experience in this...but from what you post...

I imagine that he feels guilty when you both are enjoying each other. I think feeling like you're being unfaithful to the memory of a loved one is "normal"....hence the guilt and backing away.

As far as feeling used, well there's a difference between using someone (we all use others to get what we need) and taking advantage of them.

But you're right. Being cerebral about relationships rarely helps because relationships are emotional and hears don't listen to any of that nonsense

I like what Trippin said...

Trippin' and Sophiesmom, thank you so much for your feedback!

Trippin, I am so glad to hear it is working out for both of you. You seem happy and that brings joy to me. Indeed, having a no-pressure non-relationship sounds like an interesting and doable thing. I'll give this a thought.
Sophiesmom, indeed, I have often felt like he is guilt-ridden and that he believes he is betraying her by enjoying the time he spends with me. I think this is natural but for the moment he does not want to talk about it so I am not pressuring him in any way.
I was thinking about maybe laying off the idea of a "relationship" and being there for him as a friend, first and foremost, because that's how we started off. I think he needs that more than the complications of a love affair right now. As for me, I think he's a great person and would hate to lose him, which is why I believe it would work out best for me too to keep things simple for the time being. He is clearly not ready for something more.

Intimacy is a misleading thing and sex, more often than not, especially for women, it complicates things and emotions.
What do you guys think?
Thanks again!

Definitely be his friend, making friendship the basis of your relationship is never a bad thing. But in the same breath, I suggest not to completely shut any doors for something more. By that I mean, don't go too cold on him, it may make him withdraw more instead of refocus toward friendship. If you can accept the space he's in today, and maybe a different space he's in tomorrow,(example today i just wanna hangout and enjoy your company, yet tomorrow I feel the need for a little extra, like a cuddle and a movie) it will reassure him that you accept him and what he's going through.

Yes sex definitely complicates things, so its up to you how and where you draw the line in the sand of friendship. Me, it was ok to be intimate, without a commitment because i knew he loved and respected me.

Note i said "ok" not "easy" hehe. I had some issues with it at certain points definitely.

This is not to be confused with running everytime he calls or letting him walk over you though. I know I never needed to worry about that with my bf, because of how well I already knew him, but it can be an obvious risk with someone you don't know too well. They can take it to mean you'll "take anything"...

Sorry idk if I'm being all that clear, but wanted to respond since you requested more feedback.

Thank you so much, Trippin. This has been very, very helpful.

Thank you for taking the time to advise me. It really means a lot to me.

You are right. I guess I also have to grow up a little bit and let go of my past experiences with relationships in which I was treated badly, and used. It has let me with a bitterness and sometimes I project that upon other situations, thinking that history might repeat itself.

And yes, you are totally right about the sex thing. Very wise thoughts.

Thanks once more!

You said this:

However, as feelings go, even if I know all of these facts rationally, it is sometimes hard to always be cerebral about the whole thing.

Please remember I am not trying to hurt you. I just think that we all including you deserve full undivided attention in relationships. I like the statement you made because it is so true that it is hard to be cerebral about the whole thing..for both of you..but especially for him as he has had a great loss.

I know about this loss from my friend that died and her husband was very confused about new relationships after she passed. So many feeling of guilt, worrying about what others think. He just didn't need that during his grieving period which is different for everyone.

Your guy may have a short or long grieve time...but absolutely he is not being cerebral about this and your strong feelings are affecting your ability to think clearly about what you deserve.

I think it definetly could work out in the end..but I would want him to be fully past his grieving and I would know he was by a change in dialouge, behaviors and being open about his move to recovery.

I wouldn't put my heart into this situation until he was able to say to me...some day....something like..I've thought long and hard about X (girls name) and her passing and I realize she would want me to continue to live and in order to love you or anyone else fully I have to move beyond that.

I would feel better if he were talking like this...and then I think I could move forward with him.