Doing Kind Things to Cope with Loneliness

Today I sent a little apology message to a past female worker, apologizing if there were unpleasant moments. I also wished her good luck on her job. She sent me a "Thank you!" message.
Also, I went to a past best friend's house to return books he gave me a long time ago. I put them in his mailbox with a note and left.

Well, I'll probably get nothing from all this. I won't continue the relationship with the past co-worker and don't really feel like renewing the relationship with my best friend because he's went aggressive with people to make himself feel better about himself through arguments, sabotaging and scarring people with his lust for arguments and anger release.
I was one of them, and felt scarred for so long, and here I am doing something kind, what the hell is wrong with me. I wanted to hit him with something in the face our of fury and now I went to give something to him instead.

I mean, I don't really mind being kind, but my past has shown that my kindness made hurting people feel better... at the expense of me. An example would be that I fail to maintain relationships for more than 1.5 months, another past friend would hate women. Now he's had a relationship for nearly half a year and it's also passionate, something I greatly lacked.

How does this cope with your loneliness? you know you don't want these people as friends. YOu plan to not connect with them going forward and furthermore have good reason not to want to have any part o your ex best friend's life.

While I can understand your apologizing to the coworker being a decent thing to do, I'm not sure what it does for your loneliness. Seems more like you feel compelled to have some kind of closure to these relationships.

As for the book return, I'm not sure I'd call it a kindness as much as an obligated gesture. When you borrow something it's not kind to return the item, it's just the right thing to do. Again though this seems more like a way to bring closure to that relationship also

So I am curious how you tie this into coping with your loneliness. I'm not being snarky I'm being honest about my curiousity.

Because my heart has been closed for some time, so I wanted to apologize about things for a change, so I can finally express my heart.
As for returning the books, it's complicated. From loneliness, I miss that best friend...'s good sides and I've had hidden feelings for him. So I also left a little emotional note with them. As objective as I've been, I could never be subjective... the subjective me, my subjective potential...

I didn't really want to close those relationships... I wish they could go on, especially the one with the co-worker. But her avoidance of meeting up and his change to become a reckless arguer have made me take the difficult decisions of going a little angry/upset with her and cutting the relationship cold-turkey with him.

I've been feeling like a crap person because I hardly have any friends now. I have a selected few. If I were a good person I'd keep my friends. Most friendships ended because I left because I'd feel hurt or disconnected.

This all could be my mood that could use venting, yet I have no one to vent to. I don't want to post it here because I don't want to put a burden and it's off-topic

It seems to me that these two instances are both friendly gracious actions - you say you'll get nothing from them, but do you feel better for having done it?

I don't think it necessarily means you aren't a 'good' person because you haven't kept friendships, there could be a variety of reasons why this is. Have you noticed any common themes/patterns in how your friendships develop/end?

If someone does something bad to me or something which I can suspect to being against me, I can remember that for a really long time. Not that I'll spend my time thinking about it all the time, but it'll get added up as grudge and I'll feel more and more defeated overtime and just want to leave.
Also, if I place boundaries I'll feel like a bad person because I have to put a friend in his place. Also the anxiety of "I'm a complainer, I am needy, he'll think of me badly behind my back".
Because of some emotional attraction to them, I wouldn't really feel irritated enough at the heat of the moment to respond immediately and impulsively.
Every person I'd feel attraction to, I'd feel used and inferior.

Stems from my dad, that piece of ****

On the other hand, I would never quite directly act with those feelings, although we've had great friendships in the sense of fun. But the sense of freedom has give way to pain...
It's kinda hard for me to tell and express from here
EDIT: Something I noticed, especially with my last therapist (one main reason why I left him) - if I have a friendship/relationship with someone I feel an emotional attraction to and he reacts negatively to me, even if a critic, I easily take it too personally. Also has to do with my father, he'd always scold so harshly, would have a hard time listening and accepting emotions, especially negative ones.

None of what you have written there indicates you are not a 'good' person.

It sounds like you have anxieties about how others ultimately think of you, feeling of inferiority/insecurity and that is affecting how you relate to others.

You write about your father and how you feel his disciplining/criticism has lead to your insecurities/self-doubt. Is he in your life now? Have you been able to talk through this with him as an adult?

I still live with him, yes.
I didn't get to talk to him about this. I don't know how this can fix the situation

Were the books loaned to you or given to you? If they were a loan, then returning them was not an act of kindness. It was the fulfillment of a normal obligation.

Well, I understand what you're saying related to friendships, and to be honest, it sounds like a far more complex situation than what has been laid out here in your relatively short post. Which is fine, you're not obligated to share, but what I'm getting at, is that in all of this what seems to be the core issue is that you lack friends and blame yourself on some level for this problem. While it could very well be something you've done to make it hard to keep friends around, it's rarely entirely our own fault. In almost every person's life, there are instances where we've "burned bridges" with people for no good reason where other situations called for the breaking up of a relationship. I would not lump all of them into one thing, like being something that you do.

In this case I'm not so sure about the co worker but with the ex best friend, I can see why it was a good thing to cut off ties. With that person, I am not sure why you'd even miss them or have any regrets if indeed they were toxic and hurtful. Just move on from that one and accept that even though all people have some good in them, not all of them are good for us.

From this and other posts what I've gathered is that you're one that has a problem with self image and confidence socially. If any part of your lack of friends is on your shoulders I would place it squarely on these traits or lack thereof. I don't know if you're a self help person or someone to find help via a therapist but either way I think this issue with your self is the key to building a better social life.

I want to do this through therapy, but I've been to my last therapist for about 9 months and it has been a waste of time in my opinion. I think that form of attraction I've had to my therapist has been interfering. It's the same attraction I had to that specific ex best friend I mentioned.
With that, I prefer the therapy to not have time wasted and buttered to create an emotional bond. I want it on-point to what I want, I want it to be intellectual rather than a "spiritual journey" (as my previous therapist would label therapy), I want it to be informative to my mind and I want to feel mentally challenged rather than be put down emotionally.