Sooo...I'm asking for honest advice and I'm prepared to accept it.

Here's the situation:

There's this girl who goes to the day center I do. We're pretty much complete opposites: She's very feminine, likes makeup and stuff like that while I'm more of the jeans and t shirt type who likes outdoor activities. So naturally we clash. She's the "omg I broke a nail type" and that's annoying to me to be around because we have to do activities as a group at the day center and anytime we do anything physical she shows up in these fancy outfits and complains the whole time about how it's going to mess up her clothes. Much like if someone in a professional job showed up in sweats to work...I'm sorry but that's not someone I enjoy being around.

When I vent about this , some people think I'm judging her for the way she dresses or that I'm jealous and that's just not true...For one, it's not like when I first met her I looked at her outfit and disliked her because of it. As a matter of fact someone else I'm close to likes to dress up, but she doesn't have that whiny annoying behavior this girl has. And if I was jealous and I wanted to dress/look like her I would just do it. To be fair, she doesn't like me either which I can't blame her for because like I said, our personalities don't click.

And she also cheated on her BF...so I may have called her a sl*t once without thinking, which I agree isn't the best choice of words. I don't know anything about her sex life, nor do I judge anyone for their sex life, but I think it's a different story when you hurt someone like she did.

So, is it so wrong to be annoyed with someone?

[Nammu]

Don't think there's much I could say because that kind of behavior annoys me too. It's like trying to be the center of attention but in an annoying negative way by dressing inappropriately for the situation and then complaining about it. " ph look at me, oh look at me" I'd say it's the behavior that's annoying and your not judging, but like I say that kind of thing annoys me too so who am I to say?

I don't think it's wrong to be annoyed with someone's personality - some people just don't click. In most situations people who don't click just don't hang out, and that's fine. Unfortunately you're in a unique situation where you have to hang out with people you don't care for. I suggest getting a job when you feel able to and saving up your money to move out, so that you will be able to choose the people you spend time with. Until then, it sounds like you're doing a good job at handling things. (Except for the sl*t comment, but we all make mistakes). Don't be hard on yourself, feeling annoyed is a common human emotion.

[~Christina]

It's okay to be annoyed about this situation.

Maybe you can just accept she's just the way she is and you can find others to hang with.

Sorry you're dealing with such a person.

[bearguardian]

Maybe you should try looking it from her perspective. Her life was a clash of all those things that made her who she is. Majority of people get stuck in a personality made from external influences. It takes intelligence, trauma, or something extreme to deprogram from it all.

Its not bad to be allergic to some people. But if they are not being malicious better keep irritation to yourself, or if you can tell her politely about what is bothering you.

Originally Posted by bearguardian

Maybe you should try looking it from her perspective. Her life was a clash of all those things that made her who she is. Majority of people get stuck in a personality made from external influences. It takes intelligence, trauma, or something extreme to deprogram from it all.

Its not bad to be allergic to some people. But if they are not being malicious better keep irritation to yourself, or if you can tell her politely about what is bothering you.

Yeah I've never told her because I still think she has the right to be herself...I've even tried to keep the eyerolling to a minimal when she can see me.

[seesaw]

I think it's fine to be annoyed with her, that's just how you feel. I just think along with your annoyance, try to show compassion. You don't know her story, her traumas, her history, where she is in her life, what she's dealing with emotionally...So it's one thing to say, "she's not the kind of person I'd hang out with" and "OMG what a slut and how stupid is she for wearing heels to a hike."

I also think, maybe she annoys you, but just let it go. Who is she to you? No one. Just some girl in your group at the day center. You will probably never see her again after this.

Seesaw

[Rose76]

You can't choose what does and doesn't annoy you. If she annoys you, she annoys you. But you feeling annoyed is your problem, not hers. You have no right to communicate to her that you find her annoying. She has a right to be at the center, same as you. Keep your feelings to yourself.

Roll your eyes all you want, but understand that others will regard you as immature for doing that.

It sounds like those around you are finding you to be the annoying one with all your "venting." Venting is not a right. Dressing as one wishes is.

[eyesclosed]

It's normal to not like someone just don't reataleate.

[Bill3]

She's very feminine, likes makeup and stuff like that while I'm more of the jeans and t shirt type who likes outdoor activities. So naturally we clash. She's the "omg I broke a nail type" and that's annoying to me to be around because we have to do activities as a group at the day center and anytime we do anything physical she shows up in these fancy outfits and complains the whole time about how it's going to mess up her clothes. Much like if someone in a professional job showed up in sweats to work...I'm sorry but that's not someone I enjoy being around.

I wonder what would happen if you two did something together...like spoke civilly over lunch, or did a task/project together, or dressed like the other for a day...like if you actually got to know each other rather than drawing sweeping, negative conclusions based on clothes...

She's very feminine, likes makeup and stuff like that while I'm more of the jeans and t shirt type who likes outdoor activities. So naturally we clash.

Not so "naturally".

I am a committed Christian and I am very close friends with a committed atheist. We do not allow our fundamental difference in belief to stop us from having a very close friendship. Instead, we respect our differences and learn from each other.

I wonder if something like that could happen in your situation...

I don't know anything about her sex life, nor do I judge anyone for their sex life, but I think it's a different story when you hurt someone like she did.

Is it OK to be annoyed with someone or am I being judgmental?

On the specific topic of her cheating: Imo yes, you are being judgmental.

Originally Posted by Bill3

On the specific topic of her cheating: Imo yes, you are being judgmental.

I agree that I should not have called her a slut, even if I disagree with her choices.

Originally Posted by Bill3

I wonder what would happen if you two did something together...like spoke civilly over lunch, or did a task/project together, or dressed like the other for a day...like if you actually got to know each other rather than drawing sweeping, negative conclusions based on clothes...
.

I see your point...we don't actually argue all the time. And it's not that when I walk in the room I see her outfit and make a judgment. It only becomes an issue when she starts complaining about the outing that we usually had planned... "I don't want my clothes ruined so we can't do x" doesn't seem fair to the other people.
To everyone:
I do like the idea of getting to know her better and trying to be nice. You do have a point about her history and that it may have caused these things. I definitely don't hate her and maybe over time I can learn to tolerate her behaviors better.

[Nammu]

I actually see her behavior as very controlling, seeing as the activities are pre planned she chooses to dress inappropriately and deprive the entire group of that activity strikes me as very manipulative behavior.

[Bill3]

"I don't want my clothes ruined so we can't do x" doesn't seem fair to the other people.

I agree with you. What might be some nonjudgmental ways of handling the situation?

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I agree with you. What might be some nonjudgmental ways of handling the situation?

In this instance I would say "I'm sorry you came unprepared for today's activities. You are welcome to come with us and tough it out, or stay here and wait for us to return."

It's on her then. It's not everyone else's problem.

Seesaw

Originally Posted by seesaw

In this instance I would say "I'm sorry you came unprepared for today's activities. You are welcome to come with us and tough it out, or stay here and wait for us to return."

It's on her then. It's not everyone else's problem.

Seesaw

Well since it's group everyone has to participate so staying behind isn't an option for her. Else that's what she would do.

It's not super strenous activities either. Usually just walking tbh

[Shadix]

Here's a question: how sure are you that you aren't jealous of her? I ask because when I am jealous of someone, I find myself much more easily annoyed by things they do. My brother is the same way, yet he seems totally oblivious to it. He will often go on rants talking about why he dislikes a certain person, and I find myself wondering why the stuff be is talking about bothers him so much. It is often pretty clear that he is just jealous of the person, but he seems oblivious to the fact that it is showing. It is like he is even oblivious to the fact that he is jealous.

Originally Posted by Shadix

Here's a question: how sure are you that you aren't jealous of her? I ask because when I am jealous of someone, I find myself much more easily annoyed by things they do. My brother is the same way, yet he seems totally oblivious to it. He will often go on rants talking about why he dislikes a certain person, and I find myself wondering why the stuff be is talking about bothers him so much. It is often pretty clear that he is just jealous of the person, but he seems oblivious to the fact that it is showing. It is like he is even oblivious to the fact that he is jealous.

So this is how I'm sure...there's honestly nothing to be jealous of. If I wanted act like she does, I would. I don't constantly talk or complain about her either...the first time I ever mentioned her on here was yesterday(due to a situation on Friday) and after this thread dies I probably won't anymore, because I got my answers.

I also get mildly annoyed with another guy who spits when he talks, but am I jealous of him? ...not a chance.

[moonlitwish]

I know someone like this. A person who is so consumed by their appearance that they can't wear practical outfits. I'm feminine. I like high heels and makeup and having my nails painted. But if there's mud I'm gonna wear shoes I don't mind getting dirty. If there's walking involved I'm going to wear shoes I can walk long periods in. Clearly no one taught her that a person looks nicer when they are dressed in a manner that makes them look competent for the task at hand. Take pity on her and go to the mall and help her pick out clothes that are practical for these types of outings. Obviously no one else ever did her this favor.

She cheated for her reasons and you called her a slut for your reasons. I think if you called her a slut, for something that didn't in anyway effect you personally, you shouldn't be around her cause who knows what else you might say that's inappropriate. She doesn't sound like the only whiny person in this tango.

[eyesclosed]

Being annoyed is something we all have experienced. It's normal just don't seek revenge this is love, giving up your revenge even though it enters our mind. You still don't have to like them if you like them you would want to be with them. There is a difference between Like and Love.

[Artchic528]

I just want to say, not everybody has to like everyone. There are people who just clash naturally. If you feel that she and her personality just don't jive with you and yours, then so be it. Sure, resorting to calling her things like a slut may be a wee bit contemptuous. Am I guilty of doing this? Sure I am, however, it probably makes me look more jealous than I actually am.

I'm like you in that I prefer comfort and functionality with my clothes and overall appearance rather than form. Sure, I try to keep my style reasonably feminine, but I try to keep things practical. I'm more the down to earth, digging in the dirt, not batting an eyelash at picking up dog poop or cleaning up dog vomit, jeans and a tshirt kind of woman. I value nature and animals over things like fashion and makeup. Does that make someone who values fashion and makeup over everything else any less of a person than I? No, but it does mean we most likely won't get along because we are so completely different in what we value.

Anyways, you have a right to your values and morals, and if there is someone who comes along in your life that clashes with them because they value totally different things, then you have every right not to want to associate with them. Does that make you a bad person? No. You just happen to have a personality that is radically different than they do and naturally you two don't get along. It's what makes this world a truly wonderful place, different personalities, different values, different morals. If everyone were the same in the ways they thought, believed, and acted I truly believe society as a whole would cease to function. Why? You can't grow as a culture if you don't have at least a few people who are radically different.

Just look at Einstein. He was so radically different, so unique, that sure, he didn't really get the standard teaching methods of the day and thus didn't prosper under their tutelage. However, when he began to think for himself and truly embrace his gift of being able to think differently from most everybody else, he began to not only prosper, but thrive. He began to rewrite what we as a society knew about our world, and the universe as a whole and because of that, we still use his theories and equations to this day to delve ever deeper into the mysteries of our universe.

Sorry, I got a bit sidetracked and carried away. You get the point I'm trying to make here, right?

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

She cheated for her reasons and you called her a slut for your reasons. I think if you called her a slut, for something that didn't in anyway effect you personally, you shouldn't be around her cause who knows what else you might say that's inappropriate. She doesn't sound like the only whiny person in this tango.

I didn't call her a slut to her face--I did it while venting--and as humans we all say things we don't mean while annoyed and regret them later. I would never say something like that to someone's face.

[Patagonia]

You guys do realize you're arguing about clothes!!
So you know this person based on clothes...her nails? her shoes? & how she broke off a relationship?
Yeah I'd say superficial, sorry.

These are things that are on the outside...& can be changed. Do you know anything about what this person is like on the inside?

You're scratching the
surface....you need to dig deeper.

Originally Posted by Patagonia

You guys do realize you're arguing about clothes!!
So you know this person based on clothes...her nails? her shoes? & how she broke off a relationship?
Yeah I'd say superficial, sorry.

These are things that are on the outside...& can be changed. Do you know anything about what this person is like on the inside?

You're scratching the
surface....you need to dig deeper.

I could care less about her clothes or what she's wearing. As a matter of fact I don't even notice. But part of the program is going places and doing things. The problem is that when we go places she complains that we can't do this or that because of her outfit. That's all I'm saying. Wear your nice clothes, but don't expect everyone to plan around you...or find another program where you don't have to do outdoor activities.

I appreciate all the advice, but I figured there would be some misunderstanding.