why aren't we attracted to good people then?

I'm posting this after looking over the thread "why women are attracted to creeps." What I'm hoping people might brainstorm on is why then are we (I use this rather than women because I believe both sexes are attracted to dirtballs) NOT attracted to good people?

I'm curious as I consider myself to be a good person and yet have never been in a situation in which a women shows any interest. Now, I think people here could focus on variable specific to your person (In my case I've always felt that it's height. I'm short, and as the number one thing looked for in sperm doners is height, I've always believed it to be the major reason I'm overlooked). What I would prefer to focus on is general characteristics. Something that could affect all of us, good-people-in-hiding.

My first guess is that I believe good people put themselves "out there" less often than do creeps. I believe this translates to dirtbags hooking up more simply through chance alone.

A second thing, which is related to the first, is that because good people don't put themselves out there as much, they are more likely to misinterpret situational problems as personal ones. Take, for instance, an example of a person that goes out with some friends to a club or pub. A person with less experience in that situation is likely not to know the norms and roles of that situation, which would probably translate into them not talking with other people around them. But when it comes time to make an attribution as to why that may have occurred, they are likely to make internal attributions (I'm stupid/unattractive) when an external, situational attribution which would have clearly been more accurate. This phenomena is robust enough that social psychologists have coined a term for it: the Fundamental Attribution Error (the tendency for people to overestimate dispositional influences while underestimating situational influences).

The problem with that second point is that once we've made a decision that we're stupid or incapable, we're also likely to stick with that interpretation, even when presented with disconfirming evidence. Then in the end, the most likely outcome would be a learned helplessness situation (which of course, just feeds back into the original problem).

Okay, just a couple of ideas from me.

Hi there -- Thank you for starting what could be a worthwhile thread.

First, I do not believe that people invariably look for or hook up with emotionally troubled people.

Second, as I read your thread, I started to wonder if perhaps the notion that the other person's shortcomings are responsible for the demise of the relationship is, in itself, an effect of both internal and external forces, not all of which are dysfunctional. For example, one much-married coworker, who married nice women, wondered, as his third was breaking up after 12-15 years, if "all relationships eventually run into heavy weather."

What with the longevity of people, perhaps it is indeed inevitable that, as the old saying goes, familiarity will breed contempt. As well, our society encourages unrealistic expectations for love, passion, marriage. And I suppose it's a part of human nature to find the log in the other person's eye without seeing the mote in our own, or denial, as we might put it in contemporary terms.

Last, I will share what my particular pathology was in hooking up with bad boys. If a man had a lot of girlfriends, it affirmed my low self-esteem when he wanted to be with me. If he said, call you tomorrow, and didn't show up for two months, it created an emotional roller-coaster ride, and that, too, had a kind of addicting excitement. Once I understood my pathology, I stopped.

It was not easy to get used to the idea of being with someone who was nice, reliable, but relatively dull and a lousy lover. But I cultivated a loving attitude, and I managed to pull it off for 15 years.

I think that it does go both ways with the sexes. I have had male friends that have been married to women.. who were well not "nice" to them..

Once burned.. twice shy.. I never looked after my marriage - just a choice..

Watching my ex -husband.. thru the years was interesting - he actively went after women that were gentle natured and he could control.. and he was charming.. and these gentle natured women.. wanted that in their life.. so they were attracted...I think they could not "conceive" of a man that evil.. and by the time they figured it out too late...

So I guess I answer the question in a very round about way..

But then there was the case of my neighbor.. who had a thoughtful husband.. a very good guy... so after 14 years of marriage.. she craved excitment.. so she divorced him.. and gave up her kids for an apartment.. and man after man.. so for her.. it was the excitment factor...she and I were friends.. and really that was it.. nothing wrong with the guy.. she craved to excitment the bad boys brought to her..

Women are addicted to attraction. It is everything to them. It is more important than compatibility, integrity, kindness, etc. It is sad. Narcissistic men with a lot of testosterone get the sexual juices flowing. But then women want to civilize them and it doesn't happen. Women are torn. I read two polls in a magazine once. In the first poll women were asked what they wanted from men. A lot of the women said they wanted a man who could express his emotions. In the back of the magazine there was another poll in which women were asked what they hated about their man and they said, "I hate it when he cries." What is a guy supposed to do? I guess, be masculine in the beginning to get the juices flowing and then bring on the sensitivity. Some women had narcissistic fathers and are attracted to men like that. My father was a "wounded" man so I was always attracted to men who had a history of being wounded and needed someone to take care of them. Women need to get their priorities straight and stop picking guys just because they are sexy and rough around the edges. Compatibility, honesty, integrity, kindness, self-awareness, communication skills. This is what I look for in a man. It turns me on just to get along with someone. At my age pleasure is the absence of pain.

David, I don't agree with the thesis of your post. I think many women are attracted to "good" men and vice versa. I know lots of couples in which both partners are "good." I think a lot of what you said is a generalization based on a discussion in another thread that some women are attracted to "creeps." While that is certainly true, it is also certainly not all women. I personally don't feel I am attracted to creeps and know many women who also are not.

i think we tend to act out our pathologies...

i usually feel attracted to father figure types. someone who i can idealise a little. someone who is strong in a way. so i can feel safe and protected and kinda merged with their strength. i guess a downside to this... is that the person might turn out to be sadistic or something. into physical strength or a certain macho thing... i don't tend to go for that, however. while i do have a distinct preference for tall ('cause i'm rather tall myself) and more solid than me (e.g., not a bean pole build) i find a certain gentleness and emotional responsivity to be very attractive rather than someone having a macho idea of masculinity... i guess physical and emotional closeness is important to me... but then... i think i am attracted to good people. probably not the most psychologically healthy people... but good people. never been attracted to someone who has physically or emotionally hurt me... but then... i've never really let anybody in properly before... hard to tell but i am starting to wonder whether mr man might have some kind of intimacy issues... perhaps... dunno. only time will tell, i guess. i think i need to mirror him more... maybe i help him feel stronger 'cause of my idealising him a little. or maybe he feels worried that he will be inadequate or somehow let me down. more with the mirroring and less with the idealising methinks. i think he might have intimacy issues :-( still... if he is prepared to work on them then i'm up for that 'cause i'm not psychologically perfect myself ;-)

I know there are good men out there , but I haven't met any of them! I do know a few happy couples, long-time married, but only a few. Most marriages I know...I wouldn't want to emulate.
Patty

We repeat our history until we understand it well enough to challenge it and change it.

I think we don't *pursue* good people if we feel we don't deserve to have them in our lives, or that we are flawed an unworthy of them, or that we think they can see our core flaws and so they don't feel we are worthy of them so why even try.

Short never matter to me. I like someone my height, as a matter of fact. I am short.

Sperm donor?! Might want to work on THAT perception!

"We repeat our history until we understand it well enough to challenge it and change it"

I have known a few so called good guys. That ended up being big jerks.So i at times hate hearing guys complaning how they are nice. But women over look them.I myself have been attracted to so many different kind of guys.Some decent ones and some bad boys.I like someone with a good personality.Ok some guys make a good impression.But end up being jerks.

I didn't get married until I was 39. When I was 35 I met and ultimately married my "soul mate". I dated other people, had a couple of proposals of marriage, but they weren't "right" for me. I think some people just don't stop and think long and hard enough about whether a person is "right" for them or know themselves well enough to see why they are attracted to particular people and, if those people aren't what they want, what to do about it?

My husband loves to quote a line I hate to hear :-) about how "you shouldn't order a hamburger in a seafood restaurant" (allegedly it won't be any good because their specialty is seafood, not beef) and I think that goes with people. You can't worry about what other people want in a person or what you "should" want in a person. You have to take care of yourself and become interested, understanding, compassionate, etc. if you want that in another person. We reflect one another so if you are a woman who wants a guy who is tall, dark, and handsome, you'll probably attract a guy who wants a woman who is blonde, thin, and has no brains :-) Look at specific, individual traits you want in another and work on developing them in yourself and that's what will be attracted. You are the other half of the "magnet"; what are you attracting?