should I stay or go?

Hello everyone,I moved across the US to be with fiancee .I have been here for 3 yrs ,,my kids and I live alone without fiancee.He just built house and is now living in it..my problem is ,,I have 2 teenage daughters who are extremely shy and dont have a license or jobs,,,I thought the plan was for us to move in with my fiancee and he would be a good role model for my children but so far..its still me and the kids,,he just moved out of his parents home and his mother cant stand me ,,,,,his house is built just behind his parents home..lastnight his mother told me to get out of her home ! !!!she is upset that her son is finally moving on with his life and she still wants to do everything for him,,,my question is ..Do I stay or do you think im fighting a losing battle and should move back to my hometown? I know its confusing but I could go on and on ,,,if you have a mother-in-law like this please help ,,,thanks Bee p.s. I want to add that I love him with all my heart...

Heck this is a difficult situation.

I think you really need to talk about this with your fiancee. Is he going to be "on your side" and at least keep peace with you and with his mom... or is he always going to be "in the middle" or worse, take her side. Even if he feels torn between the two of you is he going to be able to keep himself from being overstressed?

Why did he build the house so close to his mother? Did she insist? Does he need to be close to her? That isn't necessarily bad, but if there is going to be constant conflict between the two of you, putting a little distance would probably help somewhat.

If you really love him, and since you have already made a large move to be with him, this is something really worth exploring. Talk with him about it... does he think this problem is going to "magically" go away or does he recognize it and plan to work HARD to make it work. It may require family counciling. I don't think it is necessarily the case that he will have to choose between the two of you, but he is definitely going to have to make some difficult decisions that are going to seem like making that choice (and very likely his mother will emphasize that). For example if it is necessary for your family to find a new home some distance away from his mother, that doesn't mean he has to cut her out of his life, but she may make it seem so to try to force his decision.

I don't think anyone can give you an answer on this. People here can give you some advice from experience (I am not married and have no children... so I am only commenting on what I can imagine) but you are right to be concerned and to make this a serious consideration when considering your choices here. You have already put a lot into this relationship but if it is going to cause ongoing trouble then there is no reason that you can't change your mind if that is necessary.

Consider the environment for your daughters as well if there is going to be constant stress in the household over this.

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--http://www.idexter.com

it's your life not hers, if you two love each other and there arent any abusive patterns in the relationship, go for it, you'll justhave to learn to let his mothers comments roll offyour back

"don't kick the puppy" ~ j.e.p.

Bee:

My fiance's mother hates me too and I did nothing to her. When we first started dating she told him that if we continued she would disown him (she hasn't yet, but has said some terrible things). Well we've been together for almost 2 years now and are wedding date is 10/23/04. The worse part is my fiance has 2 children (12 & 10) and they both know how much she dislikes me and it hurts them to hear her put me down. She has made it clear that when I'm married to him she will no longer watch the children. My fiance is a firefighter, so she helps watch the kids when he's working. She also stated that she won't be at our wedding. It's come to the point that my fiance don't care about her opinion. Don't get me wrong it's taken him a long time to say that, but he has to be happy with HIS life. He understands how I feel and basically I don't attend any family things and I'm ok with that. Your fiance seems a little like mine... always trying to please the mother. Hopefully, he will come to the same decision that my fiance did. It's tough dealing with it though! Hang in there!

Thank you so much for your responses...He has told his mother that he will not step a foot into her home as long as she will act like that...still doesnt make me feel good about it though..i dont want to come in between them..I have told him for so long that she has been trying to get me to go back home and I think he now knows what I was talking about,,I just feel that I can be replaced and his parents cant be..I love him enough to let him go ..congrats TLynn on your wedding ,Im wishing you the best of luck and happiness..take care everyone and thank you again ..Bee

>> I just feel that I can be replaced and his parents cant be..

That is very admirable but in your defense... i.e. as a reason to stay... consider that leaving him might NOT be in his best interest even if you do come between him and his mother. This may be his best opportunity to decide whether he is going to live his life or his mother's life... if you let mom "win" it may make it very hard for him in future to stand up to her.

Listen to him and consider his feelings, but make your decision mostly, if not all, on your own wellbeing in this (and your children).

Bottom line, if this comes between him and his mother, it is his MOTHER'S decision to let that happen. She will try to make your fiance think it is HIS decision but IT IS NOT. She is the one "in control" of the situation (of that aspect of it) and therefore she is the one who holds all the options. It is HER choice whether to love her son enough to want him to be happy, or to be so selfish as to continue to try to run his life.

BTW with regard to my first post... I think the fact that he said that to her is a very good sign that he understands this is important and is willing to fight for his happiness. He at least is willing to take a stand.

Good luck.

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--http://www.idexter.com

you know, a wedding might shut her up lol

btw, I happen to do caligraphy,art work, invites,handdone portraits etc........................ justincase......

:P

"don't kick the puppy" ~ j.e.p.

hello everyone ,its me Bee again..just wanted to say hi and let you know my relationship is now over,,,He hasnt called me since his mother did what she did,,of course I couldnt stand the silence so I called him only to learn he is just not the same guy anymore,,He said" he's not mad at me "but why make me hurt even more by what she did? I just cant stand his pouty attitude ,,I only live 20 minutes away from him so why didnt he come and see me if he still loved me ? ITS BEEN 5 DAYS!! and he isnt the only one hurt by what his mother did...well ,now I have to learn to live without him because I diserve to be treated better than that..its very hard on me ,I hope I can learn to stay away from him and move on ,,,if you have any ideas on how to let someone go who you love with all your heart ..please help ,,,when he is ready he will come to me and act like everything is alright and how I shouldnt be upset..Before I have went 8 days without a phone call or a visit ..just the way he is ,,,take care ,,,Bee