A rant and a question: friendship

Rant: When someone is an amazing friend (always there for their friend, always available, a shoulder to cry on, helping whenever needed, etc) they get neglected, they get pushed aside or they get stepped on.
But, when someone is an asshole of a friend (not available, only texts back a week later, emotionally detached, chooses others over you) then people flock to be their friend and are loyal to these asshole friends.
What's the deal here? Why is it this way?

I've been baffled by that all my life. It's all the more baffling because as a kid I was one of the flockers.

I think people are drawn to confidence. Assholes have confidence.

Each case of his own. Can you detail your personal experience?

I've always been taught that if you want a friend, be a friend. That the responsibility is ours.

Well, I've done that my whole life, been the good friend, only to get misused, backstabbed, and bullied. Or easily replaced.

A recent example is of a friend. We will call her Amelia. Me and Amelia were always friends, though she held herself at a distance. Amelia and this other girl were close, but then (because of crazy circumstances) they had a friendship breakup. So, after that, me and Amelia got closer. Hung out lots, talked tons, were bosom buddies. Very tight. I was there for her when everyone else had deserted her. So, We're very very close for a couple years.

Then, the other girl all of a sudden decides "I want to be friends with Amelia" again, and after one talk, they're best buds again. ...And I barely hear from Amelia now.

That's just one example of that happening. There are many more in my lifetime.

Just like they said asholes have confidence. I had always wonder about this and it's actually pretty stupid the way it works. We tent to be more pure and quiet, at least I am, when trying to start a friendship but most of the time they'll go for the ones who are not like that. Just like how they say "women are only attracted to asholes who don't treat them with respect". Not that it's true, or at least not all of them.

I was thinking the same thing!! I was just talking to my husband about it and I said, people are attracted to asshole friends the way that women are attracted to asshole guys.
It's a phenomenon that's never made sense to me! And the friendship thing confuses me too

I think sometimes people befriend those that make them feel like they're worthy of their attention. We date bad people because we feel like an exception to their sh-tty behavior, we befriend similar people because they make us almost feel apart of the ingroup.

In my own experience, I've noticed that you're right, that people do have a tendency to flock towards those who can offer them not good friendship and unconditional support but to those who they subconsciously put forth such effort to prove themselves to until they're able to just feel almost 'accepted', likely not seeing how toxic their behavior actually is.

I say this because I once had an Amelia in my life with almost an identical scenario. In my case, my Amelia we can call Valentine (or Val for short), who was stranded by a girl we'll call Elena. Once Elena and Val weren't as close, it was convenient that Val and I became super close, along with the addition of another friend of ours, who we can call Alison.

Fast forward a couple years and Alison has a lot of popularity and is more social and I move away to a different state. Val calls me and messages me quite frequently about how alone she feels, how she is being neglected friendship wise by Alison, and how she misses me. I return to our state of residence and she doesn't have that same welcoming vibe she did at one point, and as we spend the night talking to catch up, her foul words against Alison impact my views on her. I soon notice Alison pushes me away as well and go on a rant to Val about how I agreed with what she way saying, that Alison wasn't a good person. But as soon as Val hears this, she uses it to become closer to Alison and cut me (a loyal friend of a couple years to her) out of the picture. Shortly after, she uses this upper hand and befriends Elena once again as well, as if neither of these two girls had hurt her before.

Sound familiar?

I think that's just how life is. I think people tend to gravitate towards those who treat them less than great just because the short term gain they get from these people is nice.

I'm sure I can go on (because trust me, my friendship experience has been less than stellar in the sense that I've been betrayed far too many times despite only ever trying to be there for others) but I think my point has been made, mostly saying that until people can recognize what is good for them and see their own lack of better judgement they'll just continue to surround themselves with others only looking our for themselves.

Even though this really isn't an answer to the question, it's kinda just food for though just to try to make sense of it

I believe there are "diamonds in the rough". I have a few in my life. I wonder if you're picking out people on a subconscious level who treat you badly. How much do you invest in these relationships once you realize it's all take and no give?

I hope you find some friends that are worthy of you. They are out there...just hard to find sometimes.

Finding friends to me is as hard as finding the perfect bathing suit.

Confidence is a big draw, I myself have been drawn to a few here and there.

I love your post! Thank you so much for making me feel like someone understands what I go through.
It's frustrating to be the good friend, only to be manipulatively put in a bad light by others (and those "others" are the people those close to you believe!! Over you!! Ughhh!)
Women, in my experience, can be treacherous. Not all, ofcorse, but a lot of them. Manipulative too. I'm not a game player, and so that puts me out of the running.
They are playing manipulative games, and I'm trying to play by the rules (mostly the golden rule). It's disheartening to feel like I'm always losing!

I think it's part of being a good person, people will take advantage of any naiveness they can see sometimes if they think they can benefit from that betrayal even if your contributions are more valuable in a long term scheme of things

But rest assured, I feel like when you start to meet more like minded people that can see you're genuine and are wanting to have something that's mutually beneficial where there is give, not only take, is when it starts to turn around. OF COURSE, I can't say I've necessarily run into such at this point in my life just yet, but I believe they're out there.

I think it's weak sense of selves that makes some people get drawn to charismatic confident people who treat them badly, and although I've experienced it I don't fully understand it.

Keep being true to yourself and being a good friend to those you care to have as friends, there will be many out there who will stick around for the long haul. Maybe maturity has something to do with it because I noticed this got better with age.

But rest assured, I feel like when you start to meet more like minded people that can see you're genuine and are wanting to have something that's mutually beneficial where there is give, not only take, is when it starts to turn around. OF COURSE, I can't say I've necessarily run into such at this point in my life just yet, but I believe they're out there. [/QUOTE]

They are out there. I have a few in my life fortunately and I hope you find those diamonds in the rough as well.

They are out there. I have a few in my life fortunately and I hope you find those diamonds in the rough as well.

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Hi Jennifer 1967
Where did you find your diamonds in the rough? Did it take years to cultivate the friendships?