Prepping for Father's Day

Okay, so I finally went and wrote the long letter to my dad...please read, and tell me what you think. I don't know if it will do any good, but at least I will have had the opportunity to say my piece. I will send it hand written, btw. And I will send some kind of sentimental gift with it for Father's Day.

Dear Dad,

It’s Father’s Day. And I know I’m not the best (and that’s an understatement) of sending cards and presents on important dates. I try to be better about this, then I slide back again. But I digress.

I am writing this letter, which I’ll admit is long, because I want you to understand what my life has been like through my eyes, as a young child, an adolescent, then a young adult, and now adult. It’s not about right or wrong. I need you to understand how my perception of events, how “my truth” has affected my life.

You and I, as you know, have had a serious “disagreement” (let’s put it that way), going back to the rental of the condo, but I want to leave that aside for a moment and let you know a little bit of what it was like being your daughter.

When I was little, I thought you’d always protect me. When we got out of the truck to walk anywhere, my hand naturally fit into yours and I felt safe and protected there. I remember always wanting to be holding your hand because you were MY daddy and I loved you so much.

But then I remember trying to sleep at night, with my head under my pillows, listening to you and mom scream and yell and bang tables and walls about everything from the trivial to the problems me and my brothers caused. I wondered what I had done wrong, and I felt like everything was my fault. And if I could only do better, and be a better daughter (at 6) that all the problems would go away.

I remember coming home from school every afternoon and rushing home to watch cartoons with you on the sofa, while you napped and ate cookies. In fact, if there’s anything I remember about my childhood, that’s one of the biggest memories. Watching cartoons with you (not noticing your snoring).

But the good was always mixed with the bad, and the bad wasn’t just bad, it was scary. If I did something wrong, you would scowl at me with such HATRED that I would cry on the spot and run off to my room to cry. I remember as an adult hearing you joke about this with people, but to me it was NOT a joke. I thought my father loved me, and yet so often he looked at me with outright hatred. And I didn’t know how to make him love me again. This was the beginning of a pattern of abandonment. In this case, it was emotional, but abandonment all the same.

When you went to fight in the Iraq war, I was terrified. It’s not like you hadn’t taught me EVERYTHING about airplanes. I knew you flew refueler jets, and I knew refueler jets were major targets. Every night for months I shook with fear and couldn’t sleep, kept up with the worry that my daddy wasn’t coming home because some bad man named Saddam Hussein was going to kill him, When we met you on the tarmac when you returned, I hoped I would never have to lose you to a war again. And I don’t mean die, I mean lose your presence.

We moved to Florida. You and mom continued to have marital problems. Michael, Ben, and I got caught up in the middle of all this. Sometimes we were the sources of your fights, and they were violent fights. Slamming walls, slamming fists on tables, slamming doors. It was scary. I began to feel like I lived in a war zone. I tip toed around everyone’s emotions and tried to be the perfect child, always keeping my room clean, getting the best grades, and never breaking rules, hoping that by doing so, you would still love me, despite what I heard you fight with mom about regarding me every night.

I don’t know why, but you stopped hanging out with me. You stopped having time for me. We didn’t go to the store together. There were no more daddy daughter square dances, and you made fun of me and shamed me when I got my first period. Opening the door for Ben and Michael to do the same. I began to feel abandoned emotionally again.

Even though you came to ever winterguard performance, and every dance concert, I always felt like you felt forced to come, like you just came to show you were a good dad. I don’t know if it was because you weren’t good expressing emotions, but it contributed to this feeling that I was a burden to you, and you wish you didn’t have to participate in anything I was doing. I was heartbroken.

When you and mom finally broke up, I didn’t see you for months, maybe a year. You never wanted me to visit. And mom was severely depressed and suicidal, yet I was left to deal with that aftermath, and you never wanted to see me. I felt not just emotionally but physically abandoned. It’s a recurring theme in our relationship, from my perspective. And remember, perspective is about how I viewed things at that time in my life, as a teenager, not like you viewed it as an adult.

When I went to college and you wanted me to move in with you…I was fine with that because I thought we had an okay relationship. Then you had Vicky move in, and it was clear to me that you had manipulated me to move in so you wouldn’t have to pay my rent per your divorce agreement. I felt used.

When I graduated from USF, you came to celebrate, but it was clear you didn’t want to be there. Ben didn’t come at all, neither did Gramsy and Grumpy. At the time, I understood because they were coming down for your wedding ceremony. But then I also wondered, why did you have to overshadow my big moment of graduation by scheduling your wedding so they couldn’t come to both? That really upset me, but my feelings never mattered. As you always told me: don’t be disappointed. Well screw that. I was disappointed. And I was allowed to be disappointed and even upset. It doesn’t mean I don’t accept it, but I can still wish it was different.

Then I was off to LA. And the weirdest thing happened. Ben graduated from some technical school, and you forced me to take off work (when I was strapped for cash as it was) to come to his graduation. And, wonders never cease, Gramsy and Grumpy were there for his graduation. Another abandonment and failure. My accomplishments were nothing compared to Ben’s because he was a boy. They even paid for a huge celebration afterwards.

And that brings us to what no one wants to discuss. Ben was a drug addict. And you know and admitted this. Did it ever occur to you that my room was right next to his for years? Did it ever occur to you that he was violent towards me, daily threatened to kill me (and I don’t mean in a joking way, I mean in a fist in my face, grabbing my collar threatening to beat the living **** out of me way) DAILY. When we went to Wolfson together, he didn’t look out for me like an older brother should, he bullied me. He hit me on the head as I’d walk past. Later on when I lived in LA and he came to visit, he made fun of me for gaining weight, which all the men in our family felt perfectly fine doing all the time. I’m not sure if you see that this is not a healthy environment for a young girl to be growing up in, but it isn’t. The emotional abuse, the physical abuse, it was real. It happened.

Then you and mom divorced, and you physically and emotionally abandoned me. You were nowhere to be found until you wanted me to move in with you so you didn’t have to pay rent. And you accused me of manipulation.

I won’t deny, Dad, that whenever I have needed to be bailed out, you were there to throw money at a problem, but I needed so much more than that. The money was the least of my problems. I needed a father I could depend on and know that he would be there emotionally for me no matter what, not just when he felt like he loved me that day. Your love always felt conditional.

When I had my breakdown, you were ready to throw money at the problem again and move me down to Florida. Then you put me up in a garbage hole condo community where there was a recognized prostitution ring, drug dealers (I know, I met them), all sorts of illegal activity, etc. And I was supposed to be thrilled with that, while you put Amanda Francesca up in a nice place and spent all your time renovating it. And on top of that, I really cared less about what my complex was like, I moved to be closer to family, but I wasn’t allowed to come over. You refused to let me spend any time with you. Vicky wouldn’t let me come over. Here I was, abandoned again. I was better off in Missoula where I had friends at least checking up on me and coming to visit. Instead I was utterly alone and getting worse. Abandoned, as I said again.

Then I talked to you about Astro’s replacement. You agreed and asked me to wait a while. I waited a while, and then an opportunity came along, so I adopted the dog. You went back on your word and kicked me out immediately. Now, let’s forget the lies you told about me in the process of getting this dog. You could have told me to get rid of the dog, but you didn’t. You just said get out. This wasn’t about the dog at all. If you couldn’t have complete control of my life, then you weren’t going to be there for me. Abandoned again. I tried everything I could do to appease you, you called me manipulative, refused to come to ANY reconciliation, still not even suggesting I get rid of the dog, and kicked me out. You had already abandoned me by not spending any time with me or providing any emotional support as I fought my illness, and then when I tried to do something to help myself, you abandoned me again.

That’s your M.O., Dad. If you’re not in charge, you walk away. If you don’t make the decisions, you walk away.

I remember a drive up to Gramsy’s where I was asleep in the back of the P.T. Cruiser and apparently Vicky asked me something. You began fuming because I didn’t answer, but I had answered, but you couldn’t hear me because the windows were open. You pulled over, got in my face, refused to let me exit the vehicle and physically intimidated and threatened me. When I was 17, Mom and I got in a fight. I locked myself in my room because I was afraid of physical violence. As if to prove my point, you busted my door down. This is real physical violence, Dad. From you to me. You have been physically violent towards me. And that’s not okay. And it’s not something someone just gets over, not when it’s built upon years of violence and abandonment.

You try to tell everyone I have bipolar so that you can appear blameless for my psychological issues. I don’t have bipolar. I grew up in a violent household, whether you want to admit it or not. My safety was threatened frequently on a daily basis, and that’s where PTSD comes from. That’s where my depression comes from. That’s where my panic disorder comes from.

The point of this letter is not to point a finger at you, though. Because regardless of the mistakes and failings, I still remember the father who held my hand crossing the street. I still remember the father who let me stay out on the boat fishing for 3 hours because we were having the best time of our lives. I remember the Dad who helped me build a pinewood derby car that beat all the boys.

I’m not apologizing for the dog. I’m not apologizing that you didn’t know you couldn’t rent the apartment out (that was on you, not me, you should have read your contract), and I know for a fact you made a little bit of money on the sale.

The point of this letter is that I want you to understand and try and at least see my life from my perspective. To understand that while we experienced the same events, that they had very different reactions on us.

People ask why I don’t have a relationship with Ben. Ben was an abuser. I know he’s clean now, but never once has he apologized or owned up for terrorizing me my entire childhood. That’s not how older brothers act. Not in healthy families. And if he’s truly clean, then he would want to make amends. I offered to visit him when he got hurt, and he refused, and I’m assuming it’s only because of whatever lies you told him. Which is kind of laughable because I only offered to go see him out of duty. He was my abuser. I could happily never see him again.

Michael and I have our own differences, that have been slowly mending. I have visited him in LA and the boys on my few trips there.

There is a terrible hand-me-down trait of abandonment in this family. And I will admit, I’m not innocent of it either. I abandoned my nephews. I abandoned my mother for a time.

The only way I see this family remaining a real family and not a façade is for the emotional and physical abandonment to stop, and for us to talk about conflicts and resolve them without knee-jerk reactions where we run off and stop having any contact with each other.

Dad, there are so many things about me that are from you. My desire to know how things work, not just accept that they do. My love of Star Trek. My leadership skills. Beef rice a roni. My love of animals. My body, well, that’s from your mother, but I’m grateful for it all the same. My work ethic (both you and mom). My desire to always be prepared. (The girls at work always come to me for safety pins, tweezers, a knife, bandaids, etc.) Knowing how to start a camp fire and set up a tent. And not being afraid to camp by myself (my peers barely even know how to camp much less would they ever go out camping by themselves – they don’t even know how to use a camp stove!). Doing a pre-flight check on every vehicle before going anywhere. 😊

I love you. And this letter is not to place blame, it’s to try and help you stand in my shoes for a few minutes and see my life as I have seen it.

I have no intent to send this as a letter of shame or blame or to make you upset. I just want to create some understanding. And hoping that maybe, we can begin to move forward, and get back to how things were 30 years ago, when I knew you would always protect me when you took my small hand in yours.

Love,

Very poignant, well written letter. I wish I could have written or talked to my dad about things before he passed. Things never got resolved. i just don't want you to be hurt if he doesn't recognize the importance of your effort. Best wishes and good luck.

It's heart breaking. It was important for you to write it. Great letter.

I don't know your father and if he is capable of change and understanding but my therapist told me that it's a waste of time and energy trying to explain toxic unhealthy people what they did or do wrong. They'll never see things the way they are. I gave up long time ago. Good for you for not giving up

I know sometimes people say don't send these letters. But I really feel I need to. Whether he accepts what I have to say or not. I need to be able to express what has happened to me. I don't care if he validates me or not, I need to at least have SPOKEN my truth.

Seesaw

I dont know...you guys might be right. I need more opinions on whether I should send this. What if I get a horribly nasty reply back? NOt sure how I would handle that.

Seesaw

Yeah, just got some emails from him after sending him pics of the cemetery today, and he is not going to be able to handle this letter. I don't know what to do. If I can't communicate what's in this letter to him, then I can't have any kind of relationship with him.

My story is real. What happened to me is real. Based on the two very cocky and full of attitude emails I just got from him, he would never accept it.

Seesaw

This is his response from our short email conversation today:

Well Amanda, this is easy, just tell him just what you told me, he will understand. I’m sure he is happy to communicate by texting and hopefully talking (in the future)
And yes, I copied Larry to save you from doing it. This is not an unreasonable reason for Facebook friending.
Dad

From: Amanda Lipsey [mailto:amanda.lipsey@gmail.com]
Sent: Sunday, May 28, 2017 10:33 AM
To: Bert & Vicki
Subject: Re: hi further update

I'll send him a text. He keeps wanting me to add him to Facebook, but I just can;t, because of the comments he makes (I have coworkers and donors who follow me too), so I feel bad, but it's not the only way to communicate.

And, can you verify where Grumpy's cemetery is for me?

On Sun, May 28, 2017 at 10:29 AM, Bert & Vicki <flyer47@earthlink.net> wrote:
We are doing ok.
Larry is still having problems. He is on a “no talk” time for Trachea problems going back to December.
Don’t call him, but you can text him.
You are welcome, and you enjoy the time off.

Love, Dad

From: Amanda Lipsey [mailto:amanda.lipsey@gmail.com]
Sent: Sunday, May 28, 2017 10:03 AM
To: Bert & Vicki

Subject: Re: hi further update

Hi, hope you are doing well. Happy Memorial Day and thank you for your service.

Inline image 2

On Thu, Mar 30, 2017 at 5:31 PM, Bert & Vicki <flyer47@earthlink.net> wrote:
Glad you are doing ok.
Love,
Dad

I think it should be sent, you wrote that from the heart, something that you have needed to say.

((((( hugs ))))))

Christina, can you read my post related to this in childhood emotional neglect? I'd like to hear your opinion on whether or not I should mail it after that.

Hi Seesaw. I read your letter. It is well written and honest, and I feel for you. I'm Very sorry you had a difficult childhood. Here is my opinion. If you don't want it, I apologize in advance. I don't think you should send it to him for fathers day. Ok, let me back up. I wouldn't send my dad that kind of letter on fathers day. And my dad is kind of a messed up person too. Why? Because its like a birthday. It's fathers day. And I might wonder how it would be received. How someone might take getting a letter detailing all the things they did wrong in their child's life, on their day. Your father may have been an a-hole to you. And even though you are saying in the letter that you are not coming down on him, and you are soft in some parts, you are coming down in him just the same. If you don't mind me saying so, it seems insensitive. How do you think he will take it? I see that you want to be close to your dad, repair the relationship, from the letter. Is making fathers day about you and how your dad was ****** to you, even though it's true, the best way to repairing a relationship with this person? I don't know. That's for you to decide. Again, I'm terribly sorry for the things you went through. This is just my opinion and I mean no offense.

No offense taken...I'm not sure I had really intended to send it for Father's Day or not. Just at some point. I guess I said prepping for Father's Day because I was thinking of doing it before Father's Day.

I disagree with that therapist...this is called a letter of "restorative justice"--restorative justice says....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. I believe it is empowering to speak up for ourselves. it isn't about the abuser, but about the person abused. My therapist was the one who gave me the term...restorative justice.

Thanks, Nicole. I also had a therapist who would have us write letters to our perpetrators and then burn them to "let it go." Didn't quite work for me. It's like in a court of law. At least you get to look your abuser in the face and say to the world, this happened. You did this.

Seesaw

I posted this elsewhere, but this was our last communication with each other, when he kicked me out of the condo he was renting to me and blamed it on me.

This is from when the estrangement occurred. I emailed first, and that is the text in black. My dad's responses are in blue, and my responses to his responses are in red. This is why sending it would never work. He twists things around in his head and believes whatever fits the story in his head that he wants to believe.

Dear Seesaw,

I am sorry, this is not up for discussion or negotiation. I do feel hurt as well as used, betrayed, manipulated and disrespected. We seem to remember conversations and events differently. When I called you on Friday it was with the intent of asking you if you wanted to go out to dinner with Vicki, Larry and me. It was Passover and I thought it would be nice for us to have dinner together. I had been looking forward to you being close so we could do these things, especially now that we are done with the work on the other condo. I do want to say that I did benefit in speaking with your prior therapists and do not understand why you would not have wanted to bring me in to this conversation with your current ones and your doctors. I also do not understand why they would not feel the need to TREAT this need to have another dog to be “happy” rather than give in to it. It sounds to me like you are not happy within yourself and that should be the problem they need to address. That is just my opinion.

I’m sorry it has to be this way, it is not what I wanted or needed. Yes, you have paid rent thru April, so you need to find something by the time the month ends and I would hope that you will leave the condo in the same condition that it was when you moved in 2 months ago. It sounds like a group home may even be a good option for you and your doctors, nurses and staff may be able to help you with that.

Love,

Dad

From: Seesaw
Sent: Saturday, April 04, 2015 10:16 AM
To: Dad
Subject: Re: FW: Saturday Visit to pick up mail

Hi Dad,

I have made a few comments in red below to answer your questions.

Love, Amanda

On Fri, Apr 3, 2015 at 10:07 PM, wrote:
Dear Seesaw,
My response is in blue below.
Love, Dad

Dear Dad,

I wanted to write this out to you because I have a hard time telling you things with the right words sometimes. It means so much to me that you and Vicki stepped into my life and helped me get to Florida so I can get the treatment and care I need. I know I'm especially lucky to have parents like you two.

Last week, Astro had been warning me of panic attacks all week and I'd been zoning out a lot. His warnings and attention on Friday helped me realize early enough that I was beginning to have a dissociative episode. The doctor, Dr. Jones, isn't quite sure what exactly it is, if it's part of my PTSD, or possibly Dissociative Identy Disorder, or Bipolar Depression. But it doesn't really matter, the point is that I was dissociative and psychotic (yes, actually psychotic), and they are treating that with the Rispiridol.

I remember some of what I was doing and saying Friday night and the nurses told me some too. I was dead set on killing myself. I warned them that the second they took their eyes off me, even though they had taken all stuff that I could harm with away from me, I would find a way to kill myself. I told them that I could just ram myself into a wall head first. Or that I could punch a hole through the walls to break my arm. Upon admission, when they asked if I was having any homicidal thoughts, apparently I told them that I had made a plan and figured out how to kill my ex-boss. When they decided to put me on a 1:1 watch, with eyes on me all the time, I remember hearing thoughts in my head that it didn't matter, because I would just starve myself to death.

Personally, I don't identify with these thoughts. When I'm told what I said or remember certain things from that night, I can't believe it was me. I've never been suicidal before, but apparently I was Friday night. I don't tell you this to upset you, I just want you to understand what I'm going through. And I’m glad you have, hopefully the everyday therapy is/will help.

What I do remember, because I was drawing pictures and writing about him, is that I was so distraught and suicidal because I'd come to the end of what I could take from the stress of moving, giving away over half of what I owned and worked hard to get, and giving up Blue and Zooey. In talking with the doctors, nurses, and staff, they encouraged me to seek out the things that I need to be happy and lower my stress. To come to the point, I realized and they agreed with me, that if adopting another dog was going to help me recover from losing Blue and keep me stable, then I should do it. They may have agreed with you but there are other ways to do this, like volunteering at the shelter or something like that. It would have been even better to call me in to hear the doctors actually say that adopting another dog was the answer. I am uncomfortable with you speaking to my doctors or providers as I need to rely on my ability to have confidentiality with them. In the past, you reported that you got nothing out of speaking to my psychologist.

First of all, I have submitted all the paperwork to the HOA, so there is no problem there. Maybe not, Amanda, but you are not renting the villa from the HOA, you are renting from Vicki and I. We are the owners and should approve any changes to the terms of rental and WE are the ones to submit requests to the HOA. When you and I spoke about 6 weeks ago or so about me getting Astro's replacement started, you told me to get all the documentation submitted to the HOA. I thought I was doing as you asked. When we spoke, you said I just had to wait 2 months. I'm not sure why a few weeks makes such a difference. Your desire was that I be settled in, and I am. I know where all the stores I need to go to are, and whom I need to go to for all the services I need provided. I adopted a young dog this week. What type of dog? Large, medium, or small, not that it matters now. If she doesn't work out as a service dog, the breeder you worry about spending money for your therapy but will buy a dog from a breeder? Just because I ask how much something will cost does not mean I worry about it. It means I want to make sure I appropriately budget for everything. I do not know where you and Vicki got this idea that I'm unwilling to pay for my mental health care, but that's simply untrue. If that were true, I wouldn't have paid Andrew, my doctor in Missoula, out of pocket for so long. Additionally, I got a really good deal on this dog, so the cost remained within my budget. will allow me to trade her for another puppy within the next year. However her temperament is so calm, I don't think there will be any problem there. If I get to the point where I don't need her anymore or she becomes a burden, the breeder has agreed to help me find a suitable person who needs a service dog locally so I can visit her and help another person who needs help like I do.

I've made all the preparations, and Desia and Gail are both happy to check in on her while I'm at the PHP during the morning.

I hope you can understand why I had to do this, and I hope you will like Ya-Ya when you meet her tomorrow. I’m sorry Seesaw, I’m having trouble understanding this, talking to your doctor and hearing his reasoning as to why this is a good idea probably would have helped. I need to rely on the confidentiality between myself and my doctors. I was under the impression that, based on our conversation previously, that you were satisfied with the documentation I have as you had said okay to this with the caveat that you wanted me to wait two months from that conversation. I had an opportunity for a great deal from a good breeder, and was hoping that a couple of weeks wouldn't make that much difference. Seesaw, you did this very thing to your landlord in Missoula, he said no dogs and you got Astro, he, I think gave in to one dog and then you got Blue, and he asked you to leave, as I remember it. Dad, I do not want to dwell on the past. I am trying to move forward with my life. I wasn't trying to go out of my way to offend you. Before I ever got Astro I spoke to my landlord to see if he would allow me to have a dog. He agreed and asked for a specific pet deposit, which I paid. He didn't "give in," I asked and he agreed. With Blue, my landlord was on one of his long trips (4 months) to visit his girlfriend in Colorado and I did not want to make him cut his trip short by giving him notice while he was out of town. Yes, I adopted Blue, and the second he was back in town, I gave him notice. This was what our disagreement was about, whether or not I had given 30 days notice. I hope this clears up any misunderstandings on this issue.

And now you are doing the same thing to me. To do something and then ask for forgiveness or permission is not right, I don’t care how you put it. I do not like being manipulated, you say what you have in the first line, that we stepped into your life to help you. Well, I think that because of your lack of communication of your issues or needs--I feel I have communicated my needs numerous times and any time I do, you and/or Vicki just get upset that I may have needs other than what you think I should need. It would help, if when I am communicating my needs to you, that you wouldn't just walk away or take it as a personal attack (not having the doctor tell me this was a good idea, which by the way Seesaw, might have made this easier). I think this might be the action that causes me to rethink how involved I am.

Seesaw, I love you dearly, and nothing can change that. But, this does put a very large strain on our relationship. If only you had done this differently and thought of others before you did this. Unfortunately I am serious about requesting that you find someplace else to live. We do not want another dog, especially a puppy, living in the unit to damage our investment including the furniture. This is part of our retirement and we cannot afford to throw it away or have it diminish in value. You told me that you were buying this condo for me and Amanda Francesca's for her. Why would I do anything to damage it or diminish it? My goal is to enhance it and add to it's value. That is just part of the problem we have with this. We have a big problem with your lack of respect and no feelings at all for our mental and physical health--I have no feelings to your mental and physical health? That's why I went to the hospital while you were getting your surgery and waited until I could see you to make sure you were okay before I would leave? That's why I'm the one who went in search of a nurse and insisted they let us see you for a few minutes in recover? That's why I asked 100s of times if I could help out with Amanda Francesca's condo because I didn't want you working too hard or straining yourself? That's why I play it cool when Vicki is upset that I've asked to come over to spend some time with y'all? I think if you look a bit closer you'll see that all I've done is try to show my respect, appreciation, and concern for your mental and physical health, at the expense of my own. I’m sure you will be able to find a place that is more appropriate for you and your two dogs. Please let me know how soon you will be out of the unit. If this is what you truly wish, then that's okay, and I will work to be gone by the end of April or first week of May.

What I would really like is if we could work this out, because I love you too, Dad. I'm sorry that you feel hurt by this. I was under the impression that you had okayed this and I was just doing it a little bit early because I was getting a good deal and emotionally I needed the support.

Love,
Seesaw

I read your post,

To be honest I think he will just turn things onto you like he has already shown his ways.

Will this help your relationship? I doubt it , I think he will just not understand what your saying and blame you all for it, even the undeniable truth of your parents fighting all the time.

But .... will you feel better to send this? I think that's the biggest part.

Through my own Therapy I came to realize that my Mom was very emotionally abusive and why I have a particular nightmare happen all the time.

She passes away in 2003 so I had no way to send a letter or try to talk it through so my opinion might be skewed by my lack of ability to giving her a letter....

so I would say yes send it .

Just be prepared that he won't like it at all and possibly make him angry, truth often makes people angry.

Either way you decide make sure your support is in place so regardless of the reaction you will have help to manage through it all.

Send not on Father's Day , any other day would be good

(((((( hugs))))))

Could you see his twisting and outright lying in that email chain though? His refusal to take no for an answer to be allowed to talk to my doctors (I was 34 at the time) and not ruled incompetent or anything of the sort. He also wanted control of all my finances. Which I refused. I would ask to come over just to watch tv in the evenings with them, so I wasn't alone 24/7, and they always refused. So they put me in this condo, and expected me to just stay locked up in there 24/7. That was their idea of helping.

Seesaw

Also, I love how he references that my needs are being disrespectful to their needs - literally what he is saying is that my PTSD and depression are an inconvenience to them and put too much of a strain on them and that I should just stop being ill so it doesn't bother them. Knowing them, that is exactly what they mean.

It was appropriate in my context. My therapist was speaking about my particular situation.

I don't have a solid opinion whether you should send the letter in general, just the fathers day thing, but I like what Christina said! While I didn't notice the lies and twisting - it sounds like he just has his opinion and view point. It does sound like he sounds, from my view point, which isn't much since I'm not in the thick of it, selfish and insensitive. I'd say if you send the letter, it could go either way, you never know, but be prepared for him to reject it. It sounds like your dad does not understand M.I. How frustrating! I would hate being called manipulative. . It is not a compliment, that's for sure. It doesn't make someone want to listen to what is being said to them.

Seesaw can you cut your dad out of your life or it's impossible?

The lies and twisting are about him saying I did the same thing to a previous landlord, which I did not. I had my lease agreement amended to allow me to have dogs before I ever went to pick one out. And I paid a hefty pet deposit. But I did have a dispute with that landlord when I left because he claimed I didn't give 30 days notice. My Dad Twisted That To Say That I Broke My Lease With That LANDLORD By ADOPTONG A Dog too.

Sorry about weird typos, it's on my phone.

Seesaw

I feel your father will always twist anything with you , I usually see people act that way when they do not want to take responsibility for there actions past AND present.

Myself, personally I would send the letter and be prepared for it not to go well, but at least you will have truly gotten it out there.

You deserve support whether it been friends or family . You deserve better and if he can't see it or accept that you went though such a hard childhood then maybe cutting him out or greatly reducing the amount of your life you allow him to be in might be your best thing for you

(((((hugs))))))

Tough decision. I'm personally feeling a bit stressed tonight about my own father. My therapist had mentioned less is more to me once or twice. My father isn't one to take ownership of how his actions make me feel. It's all about him. It just is.

Seeing that my father is all about him, I don't believe a letter or even a mediator-type could change that, rectify that, bring us closer together. I tossed in a zinger tonight. Guess who gets crickets chirping? As usual... Basically, a bit out of my usual with him, but same results.

Are you hoping for different results? No need to answer here.

Same as with previous poster, my therapist said that "less is more" with my dad. And it works for me. People like that will never understand other points of view. I feel no need to explain anything anymore. It's tempting. But it's a waste for me. Unfortunately I don't think your dad will change either

Um, weird question. ..what if I modified it a bit and at least posted it to Facebook? A cousin of mine did that, she left the post about her mother up briefly in our family group, let people read it, then deleted it.