[Olive303]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years and we are in our early and mid 20s. We have started talking about a future together but I am not sure if he is the one I should spend the rest of my life with.

We are in line with everything- kids, division of labor, values, financial issues, etc. All except for one major thing: I am very adement about living close to my family. He strongly opposes this and would like to live in a different state than them. He previously agreed to live near them but they have recently had a disagreement with him and urged me to break up with him leading to the worst period of our entire relationship (for more information view my other thread). He believes that they are damaging to our relationship, especially my sister. He sees her as a manipulative selfish person who has been the cause of several of our fights in the past. He would live near my parents but not my sister and she wants to live near them and me as well so there's no getting around that. I have always imagined myself to settle down within an hour or two of my parents and sister and I really don't want to be the family who only sees each other once a year.

It feels as if there is no outcome which will make me happy. If I stay with him and live away from my family I will feel homesick, more lonely, and longing to be near them. If I break up with him to live close to my family I will always feel resentful for the role they had in causing tension in my relationship leading to this breakup. I wonder if I would ever have a long this deep again and I can't imagine myself with anybody else. If we somehow end up living close to them they might end up damaging our relationship, as they have in the past.

How do you know if someone is "the one"? There is only so much a person is willing to compromise. How do you decide, at such a young age, who is right to spend the rest of your life with? How do you chose between family and a partner? How do you make them co-exist peacefully?

honestly, if you have to ask yourself therein lies your answer.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Olive303

We are in line with everything... All except for one major thing: I am very adamant about living close to my family... He previously agreed to live near them but...

At least at the surface, that sounds to me as if he believes holding you hostage in another state (a dramatization on my part) is necessary for protecting his relationship with you from possible damage by your family. But if your family can/could actually do that, then I would say the two of you need deeper commitment and trust between each other anyway. My own in-laws detested me for a time many years ago, and actually for good reason from the earliest days of my marriage with their daughter, but where my wife and I lived made no difference whatsoever because of the no-compromise commitment and trust my wife and I still share to this very day. She never argued with them about me, I stayed off their property as I had been told and without complaint while giving them all the time they needed or wanted to see I had changed and that their daughter was well-loved and being treated properly. I have no idea what your family's issues with your potential spouse might be, but those really do not matter. What matters is what the two of you have together even if nobody else ever sees, believes, acknowledges or accepts it.

Originally Posted by Olive303

It feels as if there is no outcome which will make me happy. If I stay with him and live away from my family I will feel homesick, more lonely, and longing to be near them.

How do you know if someone is "the one"? How do you make them co-exist peacefully?

When I met my H--I was stationed on an Air Force Base in my home state. He asked me to marry him when he got an assignment to Okinawa, Japan. It was a good assignment but I did feel homesick a lot but not lonely because of his company and because the military provided a supportive environment. But things got tougher when we left the military--we ended up on the other side of the country from where I grew up. There were times that he did not acknowledge how hurtful the divide was for me. This has caused a lot of problems for us. At times, he has been the type who doesn't want to hear any complaints that he can't fix. Once we moved to where we are now -- budget restraints, our children's lives, etc. made it impossible to move back. If he had just been better about letting me express my deep distress--that would have helped a lot.
I never sat there pondering--if he was the "one"--it was simply a case of--when he asked--we couldn't get enough of each other--I was spending 5 nights a week at his place--there was constant sex--adventures camping and all sorts of things--I said "yes" because he showed me a better time than any other bf had.....
But as I think about what I wrote this morning--I do think he is the "one". I am in my fifties and sometimes I think if I could go back in time--I would want to return at the moment I graduated college and got my AFROTC commission. That was a wonderful time for me and it was before I met H but if I redid that part of my life knowing how it went--I would still want to introduce myself to H the moment I finished my initial specialty training and started working at the base where we met. Because I know how sweet he is. So I would still want to be with him despite everything that has happened to us.

[divine1966]

You'll know if he is the one, when you don't have to ask this question, you'll know. Usually asking if he is the one, is a sign that he is likely not

I agree with others, my experience is there is no questioning when you really want to be with someone.

How do you feel about your sister? Do you feel there is any validity in what he is saying about her causing trouble?

[FeelingHopeful]

Why doesn't he want to live by your parents , is there something keeping him where he lives now ?

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I agree with others, my experience is there is no questioning when you really want to be with someone.

How do you feel about your sister? Do you feel there is any validity in what he is saying about her causing trouble?

I have heard that before. But I wonder if I am one of those people who will question no matter who I am with. I have deep seated trust issues. I have never felt this sure about anyone before and I question it because I want to live close to my family and in my home town. The thought of not having my family around for birthdays, celebrations, emergencies, weekends or when my kids are growing up would be devastating, and isolating. Not to mention my closest friends since childhood are in my hometown and the place itself is the only one I've felt comfortable of the 5 cities/ states I've lived in. The thought of not being with my boyfriend is also devastating since I can't imagine myself with anyone else. I essentially feel I have to choose between the two and I will loose something major either way so it is natural to have doubts...

My sister has some valaidity because she points out his flaws. However, I believe everyone can have some flaw or something that requires compromising. It is up to me to decide if I am willing to accept that flaw. Her boyfriend has a drinking problem and I know I could ever be with someone like that but I have never demanded she break up with him. I don't think it's her place to demand that I break up with someone I love unless he is abusive (which he is not). I am angry at both of them for refusing to get along. They have both stated that they will never like the other and do not want to interact with each other.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You'll know if he is the one, when you don't have to ask this question, you'll know. Usually asking if he is the one, is a sign that he is likely not

Do you think that's true if there is some major disagreement in future plans like in my situation? I am questioning it because choosing to marry him would result in the loss of being away from my family, my hometown, and my friends I've known since childhood. If I didn't feel as if I had to leave behind something so important to be with him I wouldn't feel such strong doubts. However if I don't choose to be with him I will feel the devastation of loosing the only person I can imagine myself with and resentment towards my sister especially for her conflict with my boyfriend.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

When I met my H--I was stationed on an Air Force Base in my home state. He asked me to marry him when he got an assignment to Okinawa, Japan. It was a good assignment but I did feel homesick a lot but not lonely because of his company and because the military provided a supportive environment. But things got tougher when we left the military--we ended up on the other side of the country from where I grew up. There were times that he did not acknowledge how hurtful the divide was for me. This has caused a lot of problems for us. At times, he has been the type who doesn't want to hear any complaints that he can't fix. Once we moved to where we are now -- budget restraints, our children's lives, etc. made it impossible to move back. If he had just been better about letting me express my deep distress--that would have helped a lot.
I never sat there pondering--if he was the "one"--it was simply a case of--when he asked--we couldn't get enough of each other--I was spending 5 nights a week at his place--there was constant sex--adventures camping and all sorts of things--I said "yes" because he showed me a better time than any other bf had.....
But as I think about what I wrote this morning--I do think he is the "one". I am in my fifties and sometimes I think if I could go back in time--I would want to return at the moment I graduated college and got my AFROTC commission. That was a wonderful time for me and it was before I met H but if I redid that part of my life knowing how it went--I would still want to introduce myself to H the moment I finished my initial specialty training and started working at the base where we met. Because I know how sweet he is. So I would still want to be with him despite everything that has happened to us.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful love story. It goes to show that even with complications some people will never doubt their partner. I keep wondering if someone really is "the one" would I be questioning it, or does everyone have doubts at some point or another? It does not sound like you ever have. I have a feeling that I would question if someone is "the one" no matter who they are because I am so afraid of the uncertainty of the future.
In my situation I question him because settling down near my family, friends, and hometown that I love is extremely important to me and would make me very happy. For someone to not be in line with that makes me doubt him-- is the loss of him worth being close to my home?

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you are in such a tough position. You're between a rock and a hard spot. I don't have any advice... just wanted to lend my support and let you know that I'm here to talk if you need to. I hope you come to a decision that brings you piece. Best wishes.

Originally Posted by Olive303

Thank you for sharing your beautiful love story. It goes to show that even with complications some people will never doubt their partner. I keep wondering if someone really is "the one" would I be questioning it, or does everyone have doubts at some point or another? It does not sound like you ever have. I have a feeling that I would question if someone is "the one" no matter who they are because I am so afraid of the uncertainty of the future.
In my situation I question him because settling down near my family, friends, and hometown that I love is extremely important to me and would make me very happy. For someone to not be in line with that makes me doubt him-- is the loss of him worth being close to my home?

Thanks, I am lucky to have found him but the truth is that I have had doubts sometimes. My loyalty has ebbed and flowed--unfortunately, I am can be a wishy washy person. One of the reasons I do love him so much is that he tries to be strong for me. But even strong men take "inventory"--we were watching the movie "Appaloosa" and during the part where the guy was deciding if he should leave the girl, he started listing all the reasons he should keep her despite what she had done. H said men do that all the time. I think girls just do it more obviously and more often! If we think to hard about it, making choices can be scary--so maybe listen to your gut and heart though I know that's pulling you in two directions too!
As far as being scared of the future--bad things can happen whether you are married, single, rich, poor--life eventually sends unexpected things our way. We have to be careful to realize there is only so much we can control and some things that happen in life are tragedies (terrible events come together in unfortunate ways) or no one's fault. There is pain in life but hopefully there are good things too. But with friends and family you love--if you do marry it can be a heck of a wedding.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm sorry you are in such a tough position. You're between a rock and a hard spot. I don't have any advice... just wanted to lend my support and let you know that I'm here to talk if you need to. I hope you come to a decision that brings you piece. Best wishes.

Thank you for your support it is nice to know that someone is willing to be there even if I don't know them. No one can make this decision for me so advice is not as nice as just being able to talk it through with someone, or take someone's insight into consideration.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Olive303

Do you think that's true if there is some major disagreement in future plans like in my situation? I am questioning it because choosing to marry him would result in the loss of being away from my family, my hometown, and my friends I've known since childhood. If I didn't feel as if I had to leave behind something so important to be with him I wouldn't feel such strong doubts. However if I don't choose to be with him I will feel the devastation of loosing the only person I can imagine myself with and resentment towards my sister especially for her conflict with my boyfriend.

If you can't agree on place where to live then it's possible you aren't compatible in a long run and he isn't the one.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Thanks, I am lucky to have found him but the truth is that I have had doubts sometimes. My loyalty has ebbed and flowed--unfortunately, I am can be a wishy washy person. One of the reasons I do love him so much is that he tries to be strong for me. But even strong men take "inventory"--we were watching the movie "Appaloosa" and during the part where the guy was deciding if he should leave the girl, he started listing all the reasons he should keep her despite what she had done. H said men do that all the time. I think girls just do it more obviously and more often! If we think to hard about it, making choices can be scary--so maybe listen to your gut and heart though I know that's pulling you in two directions too!
As far as being scared of the future--bad things can happen whether you are married, single, rich, poor--life eventually sends unexpected things our way. We have to be careful to realize there is only so much we can control and some things that happen in life are tragedies (terrible events come together in unfortunate ways) or no one's fault. There is pain in life but hopefully there are good things too. But with friends and family you love--if you do marry it can be a heck of a wedding.

Do you think that most people have doubts at some point in their life? If you are with someone long enough you are bound to find something that doesn't fit well together/ requires compromise. My heart and gut are pulling me in two different directions which makes this difficult.
I know I shouldn't bank on him changing his mind but part of me wants to give him some time to see if he can possibly change his mind. He just made this statement a few days ago after years of saying he would live close to them. I wonder if over time him and my sister will get along for my sake. I only say this because he has changed his mind on other major issues. For example he was very adement on only having one child (for financial reasons) and I wanted two. He has now agreed to have two and has not gone back on it. Is this foolish to try and work the issues between him and my sister out enough that he is willing to live close to her?
Thank you for your words of wisdom. We can never predict life. If I chose to leave him over this and marry someone else I may have the same issue. They could be willing to live close to my family and then change their mind, or have external factors like work that prevent them for being able to. We never know where life will lead us.

It sounds like your family loves you. If it were me, I wouldn't give them up. Wouldn't it be great if you could meet someone that loves your family the way you do? Some people say anything you want them to say for the moment but then change their minds later. Of course, not everyone is like that but if you see trouble now with this person, think how much more will be in store down the road.

[Rose76]

I don't believe any person is "the one," intended by fate or Heaven to be with us. I think a person only becomes "the one," if you make that person "the one." It's really all your own decision. A person becomes "the one," when - and if - you designate him as such. If your family's approval is paramount to you, then it's also necessary that they sanction a person as "the one." Otherwise, you won't feel secure because you derive the major share of your sense of security from them.

After over 3 years, you know what this man is about. Did you move in with him as a kind of "experiment." If you're finding yourself real miserable because you are not real close to your family, then maybe the "experiment" failed. Whether it's worth losing him to be able to stay close to home is something only you can decide.

Usually a couple selects where they live for a number of reasons, like affordability of housing and employment opportunities. Usually a couple sees what a location has to offer, before selecting or rejecting that location as a place to live. It sounds very odd to have a couple disputing what is the right distance awsy from family to be - with one saying that it must not be more than x miles and the other saying it should be at least y miles. I think that's putting the cart before the horse. Like you two are thinking: "Let's first select the right number of miles away to be. Then we can make a list of communities at that radius away." That's a very odd way to proceed.

Olive, the thing I am having difficulty in understanding is not that he and your sister do not get along (that is unfortunate but it happens sometimes) but that he wishes to isolate you from her if I'm reading correctly.

I guess if he chose to ignore your sister and not be around her that is one thing, but he is asking you not to be around her and by default not be around your parents too. That is a big ask IMO. You two plan of having children, that is a time when extended family can be a real source of support, but given his way you won't have that. I think he is asking you to make a pretty big sacrifice.

The questions I would be asking myself if I were you is whether I'd feel a few years down the line I may be resentful if I go along with this.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

Olive, the thing I am having difficulty in understanding is not that he and your sister do not get along (that is unfortunate but it happens sometimes) but that he wishes to isolate you from her if I'm reading correctly.

I guess if he chose to ignore your sister and not be around her that is one thing, but he is asking you not to be around her and by default not be around your parents too. That is a big ask IMO. You two plan of having children, that is a time when extended family can be a real source of support, but given his way you won't have that. I think he is asking you to make a pretty big sacrifice.

The questions I would be asking myself if I were you is whether I'd feel a few years down the line I may be resentful if I go along with this.

He Understands that I am close to my family and will speak to them frequently and see them as much as I can. However, He wants to settle down farther away from them because he thinks they will make our life difficult in close proximity since they don't like him and keep asking me to leave him. If we live in the same area I know I would want to see my family a few times and month and he doesn't want to spend much time with them.

I have lived away from my family for a total of 5 1/2 years now and that gave me taste of what it's like so I know I would be happier if they were around when I settle down. I think I would feel resentful not having them nearby, especially because they would be my support system when children are involved. I also think I would be resentful of my family for refusing to accept him if I leave him.

[Rose76]

Your boyfriend might be more accepting of living closer to your family, if he felt he could trust you to set appropriate boundaries between your family and yourself. It is possible to live right across the street from your parents and sister and not let them intrude wrongly upon your life and your privacy. But that means you have to finish the job of becoming an adult, which involves emancipating yourself from your family's control. If you can't do that, then your boyfriend is correct that living near them will be a constant source of strife in his relationship with you. He has every right to want to protect himself and his future marriage from the damaging impact of that.

You seem to be leaving it up to him to figure out how to not have your family making trouble all the time. So he figures it's best to stay the heck away from them. That's not bad thinking on his part. Only it's a burden he shouldn't have to shoulder alone. You should be the one figuring out how to correct your family when they make trouble in your life. And they do that. Giving you advice out of love is one thing, but you have described them as going beyond that and, basically, cooking up trouble. If you want to be a woman and not a child, you have to develop the skills of putting Mom and Dad and Sis in their places. If you don't, then you'll never have a healthy relationship with any man. Your family will always be in the middle of it.

[yagr]

What struck me most about your post was the juxtaposition of two separate comments which leave me with a question...here are the two comments:

Originally Posted by Olive303

We are in line with everything- kids, division of labor, values, financial issues, etc. All except for one major thing:

and

Originally Posted by Olive303

There is only so much a person is willing to compromise.

I am happy for you based on your first comment and agree wholeheartedly with your second comment. But it does beg the question, if you see eye to eye on everything but this, what else have you had to compromise?

I know that tone of voice doesn't translate over the internet so please believe that I'm asking out of a sincere desire to be helpful.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by yagr

What struck me most about your post was the juxtaposition of two separate comments which leave me with a question...here are the two comments:


and


I am happy for you based on your first comment and agree wholeheartedly with your second comment. But it does beg the question, if you see eye to eye on everything but this, what else have you had to compromise?

I know that tone of voice doesn't translate over the internet so please believe that I'm asking out of a sincere desire to be helpful.

I more so meant that what he's asking is a big compromise.

We have to compromise on differing sleep and personal schedules or what we do for fun together. These are small compromises to make that are doable.

Never living in my home state ever again and being away from family and friends forever is a big compromise. I have already moved out of state for him, and left a job I loved to be with him. I am in my early 20s and I don't mind living away from home for some time, I actually wanted to do it eventually to gain some life experience/ independence from my tight knit family. I wanted to try and settle down in my hometown a few years down the road when children are involved. I am also not particularly fond of the place he wants to settle down and can't imagine myself remaining there forever.

This is what I mean when I say a person is only willing to compromise so much.

[FeelingHopeful]

The place he wants to settle down , could you see yourself loving it down the road ?

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by FeelingHopeful

The place he wants to settle down , could you see yourself loving it down the road ?

I could imagine liking it because it's a very nice place. It has beautiful scenery, a lot of job opportunities in both our fields, the people are friendly and there's always something to do. But it's not home. It's expensive to live there and I don't like the weather but most of all it's not where my family and friends are.

[FeelingHopeful]

Is it anywhere close to where you lived before with your family , because maybe you go could split time between the two places , depending on yours and his jobs of course , if you had the type of jobs that would allow that , this way it's sorta like a compromise , ?