How do you know if someone is "the one"?

That would be nice but it's several states away from my family. My job wouldn't really allow me to split time between the two places. I don't mind being away from them right now. The issue was more about having a support system when I am settling down. I know it would be hard to split time between several states with kids unless I end up working in the school system and spend summers there.

I can see where he is coming from in not wanting to have them nearby. They have been very invasive in our lives. I have made mistakes in the past like talking to my sister about mine and his issues (like some would with a friend). The issue always ended up getting worse and with her disliking him more. I think it's okay to talk things through with the right person but I learned it wasn't helpful when I talked to her. I think the damage is done as she hates him now.

I really do want to be independent from my families control and set the right boundaries but I am unsure how to do it. I am financially independent from them, just moved to a different state away from them, and chose a partner they disapprove of so I am trying. I really hate the lack of boundaries in my family but struggle with wanting their approval or being treated as if I need their guidance in life. I Want to make my own mistakes and learn things on my own and be my own person outside of both my family and my boyfriend.

One thing that really stuck out to me that you said is that it's a burden he shouldn't have to shoulder alone. He felt as if we all ganged up against him and that I will always side with them and that I did not support him when they were tearing him down. I want to be able to balance setting boundaries with my family and having them in my life.

Would you happen to have some insight on successfully setting boundaries? I have tried talking to them about things that bother me but it has never gotten anywhere.

Also Do you think there is any recovering from damaged relationships? (The relationship between him and my sister in particular).

Is your bf and sisters relationship irrapearable ? Just coming on here late to this thread , missed some stuff , why do your family not like him , is it because you moved away , do they hold resent to him for taking you away? If you live in different states how did you meet? , confused Al ittle. Were they ok with him at first?

Talking to you family members about how you would like them to be toward you is not the way to set boundaries. I mean it might seem like a start, but actions that enforce your boundaries is what gets the job done. When they start haranging you about how he shouldn't do this or that, quickly change the subject. If you hang on their every word when they are critical, that encourages them to talk that way. Some of what they do is attention seeking. Don't reinforce bad behavior by paying a lot of attention to it. Act bored. Refuse to discuss how they think he needs to change who he is.

You are trying, and you are learning. You can get even better at curtailing their inappropriate conversation. Right now you need geographic distance from them. Eventually, you'll learn to keep a mental space between you and them, even when you're in the same room with them, sitting at the same table.

Of course he felt ganged up on. When they are guests in his and your home, they have the obligation to act as respectful guests.

I like what Rose has said about setting boundaries with your behavior. To add, Do you have someone you can talk to about your relationship issues that isn't your family? That might help, in setting boundaries with them.

I don't believe your sister really hates your husband. I think it's more she just got into a habit of talking him down to you. Yes you contributed to the negativity by confiding in her about relationship problems. I think this started off innocently on your part. It might seem like a normal way to converse with a sister. But she's not the right kind of sister to do that with.

Only tell her little unimportant things, like he annoys you by leaving the toilet seat up, or something stupid like that. You know now not to confide the deeper things. Not to her and not to Mom either because they are a tag team and they feed off of each other. They may honestly not know how else to hold a conversation with you. Getting all invasive into your business is how they feel close to you. Each of them needs to focus on their own lives. When you have a significant other - a partner - that person becomes closer to you than anyone else. That's how it's supposed to be. But they feel displaced. They want nobody to be closer to you than them. So I don't think it's about hating him. More that they fear losing you.

What they think of him is their business and not something you need to worry about. What you need to require is that they be polite and not treat him, or talk about him, disrespectfully. I have a brother-in-law whom I don't particularly care for. But I keep that to myself and I accept that my sister and her husband are a "package deal" - take one and you get the other. She expects us all to be reasonably civil and courteous to each other, regardless of what we may think deep down. She has a right to expect that . . . and she does expect that. Her first loyalty is to him, which is as it should be. She expects him to be hospitable to her family, and he is. I think he's glad when we leave, and that's okay too.

You mentioned talking to your sister about her relationship with your bf. You also mentioned living an hour or two away instead of several states. Are these things that could be worked on? For that matter you could even live 30 minutes away with appropriate boundaries in place. Will your bf even consider that? Is the only reason he wants to move away your family?

No he was unwilling to do any of it. He didn't want to live 30 minutes away, one hour away, two hours away, or anywhere within the state borders.

We already live away from my family and he wants to keep it that way instead of moving back to my home state like we originally talked about.

He likes my home state and once said he could imagine himself there. Now he doesn't want to because of the conflict with my family and he doesn't want to have them nearby in our lives.

I'm sorry you're in such an impossible position. Can you find ways to stay close to your family: Skype, calls, texts and frequent visits?

Yeah, this is a difficult situation.

I'm in agreement with the other poster who said "If you are asking if he is the one, he isn't".

Thank you for the information on setting boundaries in your other post! Telling people that I don't want to do something hasn't worked in the past so enacting boundaries with behaviors seems like a more successful way.

Do you always think a life partner is closer than the immediate family? And that it is unhealthy if they are not? He is my boyfriend, not husband, but we have been together for 3 1/2 years which is quite a while at my age. I am having these conversations and thoughts now, before I do make him my husband, or more to see if he should be my husband (as we have discussed marriage after he completes his doctorate program).

I think you are right about the fear of losing me as they have stated that they don't want him to "take me away" from them (mostly this means moving away). The issues they struggle with him I have struggled with myself before speaking up about them so it's not that I am only feeling doubts because of their opinions. I just wish I didn't have their issues with him cloud my thinking.

I want to find some way where they can all coexist. Where I have the right boundaries in place with my family so my boyfriend is willing to be in close proximity to them. Where they don't have conflicts between them. I am not sure if it is even possible at this stage.

If you're not sure it's possible, it might be time to reassess the relationship and if it's worth continuing.

May I ask what exact behaviours from your boyfriend your family object to?

It seems to me that you're making this seem a lot trickier than it is. A life partner may not be a husband, but, of course, I'm referring to someone who is more than a roommate. There probably are people who place their relationship with some blood relative higher than their relationship with the lover they live with. That's not my idea of being in love with someone I seriously might spend my life with.

It sounds as if you would like your boyfriend and your family to all work things out among themselves so that you have no friction to deal with. That's not going to happen.

What issues does your family have with your bf that they are "struggling with?" If it's about him raising his voice angrily at you, that's not your sister's issue. It's not your mom's issue. It's your issue. If he speaks in an angry voice at your mom or sister, then that would be an issue for them. If they are saying that they have an issue with how he treats you, then you need to explain that you will be the one to worry about that - not them. They don't get to decide what you will, or won't put up with. You decide that. My parents used to have a saying, "It doesn't matter if we like your boyfriend/husband. We don't have to live with him. You do."

Maybe your bf has an anger issue that would make your life miserable. I don't know. I never met him. And I don't know you. His basic personality is probably never going to change. Ask yourself this: "If my mom and sister vanished from planet earh tomorrow, how would I feel about staying with this man?" You don't need to justify your decision to your family . . . only to you.

So what kind of men are Mom and Sis with? Are they each in wonderful relationships with flawless partners?

I think there will always be friction. I know I have to be the one to do something different since it is my family and my boyfriend. If it wasn't for me they would be nothing to each other. I just have no idea what to do. Trying to create boundaries always resulted in me being treated like I am a child who is incapable of knowing better because I am "just too young". I know the first step would be enforcing a healthier relationship with my family.

Their issue is with how he treats me. It's his temper and small personality traits they don't like. My boyfriend does not have an issue with my mom since he understand why she was upset when he raised his voice and she said she'll accept him as long as I'm happy. His issue is with my sister. He thinks she's a bad person and he doesn't want to spend time with toxic people. She thinks he's a bad person. I don't even know where to begin in mending that one.

If I'm honest I doubted our relationship before my family even met him. There is that part of me that can't imagine life without him or life with anyone else. And there is the part of me that wonders if he is the right one for me. I don't think the "if he is the right one you'll know" bit applies to me because I have never not doubted a single thing, person, or choice in my whole life.

My mom and sis are not in perfect relationships. My sisters boyfriend seems to treat her well but when he drinks socially he doesn't know when to stop. He has drank to the point of putting himself in danger, vomiting, and even peeing himself. Addiction runs in his family and she worries he may end up on that path. I have never ever told her I think she should leave him- that's not my place.

My mom is still with my dad and their marriage is difficult- my dad has mental Heath issues he refuses to seek help for, drinks daily, is disrespectful to my
Mom, and they have trust issues between them. She does not want me to be unhappy because I think she knows deep down that she's not. I can't blame her for this.

I just want to say thank you for continuing to bear with me through so many posts and replies! It's really nice to talk this stuff through with a third party.

My boyfriend is temperamental- finds it difficult to simply "go with the flow". He can overreact and get upset over little things when he is stressed out or struggling with some deeer issue. His temper usually comes out as the silent treatment and sometimes in raising his voice. We are always able to talk about the issue after he cools down.

I know that this is a difficult trait to deal with but I do wish my family would let me deal with it on my own instead of telling me to leave him. Especially my sister and him have stated that they can't stand each other and don't want to spend any time together.

Thanks. Yeah we call and text often but it's not the same as being there. They are not the only reason I want to move back home eventually. I have very very close friends in my hometown and I absolutely love the state. I don't think I can make that same quality of friendships because these are friends I have known since childhood- hard to beat history. I'm someone who really really struggles with making good friends and clicking with people.

Stop waiting for your family to give you permission to make your own decisions. I understand this was the established pattern. Disestablish it. Next time they say he's not good enough for you, say "I'm afraid I'm going to have to decide that for myself. I've heard what you have said, but I'm going to ask you to stop bringing this up. I'm with him because I want to be. I'll stay with him as long as I want to. We're not going to talk any more today about me leaving him. Now we can talk about other things. Or we don't have to talk at all. But the subject of me staying with him or not staying with him is closed." Then close it. If they keep it up, you must physically remove yourself from their presence.

Your boyfriend and your sister don't have to like each other - ever. But they each have to be courteous. That's all you have a right to demand. But you can expect and demand it. Each of them owes you that. Your boyfriend doesn't have to spend lots of time hanging out with your sister. But, now and then, you and he and she will have dinner together. He and she can eat their food and sip their wine and behave themselves. If your sister acts improperly, then you support your bf by finishing the meal and cutting the evening short.

You have your own issue with your bf over where the two of you are going to wind up living. Keep that separate from him and them not liking each other. Even if you and your bf lived one half mile from your sister, that doesn't mean they have to see each other all the time. Actually, if you and he move back to your home town, it would be easier for you to duck out for time with Sis, without dragging him along.

When Sis gets pushy about how she doesn't like your bf, tell her that it's okay for her to not like him. But tell her you expect her to act courteous toward him as you do toward her guy. Say you know your guy isn't perfect, but then neither is hers. Don't get into comparisons. Just say that your bf wouldn't be a good mate for her, but he's what you want for yourself.

Your firm policy has to be that "Wherever my boyfriend isn't welcome is a place I don't want to be either." That doesn't mean he has to go where you go every time you go anywhere. If you love him then when someone insults him, they insult you. Someday you hope to have a child. Would you tolerate someone being mean to your child? Learn to have some righteous anger when someone you love is being mistreated. I expect my bf not to mistreat my sister. If he did, I sure would make him regret it. Same policy toward my sister. If she were not nice to my bf, I would let her know I was very much offended.