[ScientiaOmnisEst]

It isn't worth living for, I'll say that. I can't stop crying. I've found myself reading about methods and mentally composing a suicide note. I think I want to play with a baby bunny before I die.

I gave my mother cancer - considering I've been ruining her life since I was born, maybe it's not a surprise. Lately we've been looking into my moving out because otherwise I'll get in the way of her recovery. Everyone in her social circle hates me and wants me to die (or at least, if it's down to her or me, it won't be me, something I get told often), including family. The other day we were so calm and happy, we'd just looked at an apartment and were talking about plans to still work together even if I lived elsewhere.

Last night though, my mom said all kinds of things that are making me seriously wonder if I could set everything right by killing myself. "I live for the day of your death, I can't wait to spit on your grave, if you even have one!" "I hope every bad thing happens to you - I hope you die in agony of the worst cancer imaginable - they'll have to cut you to ribbons to get at it and they still won't get it all!" "You're the most evil person I've ever met - I think you're actually the devil incarnate." (that last one's interesting as I've thought the same thing)

There are no more self-pitying excuses; I really do only deserve bad things in life; I certainly don't deserve to be successful or happy. But no one actually wants to live like that if it's avoidable, least of all a self-centered egoist like myself. My entire existence is and always has been toxic, unconsciously oriented towards ruining one person's life. I didn't even mean to, I just wanted to be independent, to do whatever harmless, legal things I wanted without fear of criticism, punishment, or control. The result is in dysfunction so severe it hurts people, when I don't even see how what I'm doing is bad.

The main reason I'm posting this here is in some hope that there's another solution, a way to fix everything enough for my conscience or even make full reparations. But I can't take much more.

[Rose76]

You and mom have spent way too much time together. You can make a lot of things right by flying the nest and becoming your own person. It is your mother, more than you, who bears the most responsibility for this mess of a mother-son relationship. She was an adult when you were a child. That's when the inappropriate over-involvement with each other began. Break the pattern. Cut the strings. She's ruining your life. Save yourself. Let her cope on her own. She'll manage.

Being successful in life isn't something you get because you deserve it by being good. You get what you go after in a self-disciplined way. Live your own life.

I'm sorry that your mom has cancer. Most cancer is just bad luck, it even says that in this article:
https://www.scientificamerican.com/a...from-bad-luck/

Could your mom/relatives have said some of these things because they are scared for you and sad/mad/scared themselves? Extreme fear and anger drive people to attempt suicide (that is what sent me over the edge).

The truth about cancer and suicide is that we want to be able to control the uncontollable but we just can't. My attempt made a mess of things and yours could too. It is not as easy to kill yourself as you think and people are already in so much pain from you mom's bad news. I am lucky I did not end up paralyzed or something worse than death.

Please talk about this here or to someone who can help you. Most of the time, suicidal thoughts are far from rational, especially since you have your whole life in front of you. Wait before doing anything. Sometimes things aren't as bad if we survive the night and get some sleep. I believe the best reparations you could make is to live your life well--whether she sees it or not. (But since I think there is life after death--I think she will see it.) I view that as going to school, gaining a skill, and/or getting a job. There is dignity in work, whether it is through self employment or working for others. Check out this audio book I posted:
https://forums.psychcentral.com/step...lf-esteem.html

Rose has some very good advice as well.

It is understandable that you are not rational--you just got some very shocking news. It may be impossible to see your way forward while you are processing this but your life is going to go on--I promise it will and that you will eventually make sense of this though it will take time...

[eskielover]

I totally agree with Rose. Parents responsibility is to teach their children the skills needed to become successful independent adults. Even parents who have children with mental incompacity from birth have the responsibility to train them to the maximum amount of their capability for independence.

It's like that movie "Failure To Launch"

Your best thing you could do is get out of living with your mom & learn how to be responsible for your own life. It might be scary at first because it's NEW to you but it's the best thing you could possibly do for your life. Learn who & what you are not based on anyone else in your life.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're in this position and feeling so down on yourself. I just wanted to lend my support and let you know I'm here if you need to talk.

[yagr]

A friend of mine recently posted this link in another area of this forum:

https://www.edcinstitute.org/library...se-trauma.html

Here's a few excerpts:

Learned Helplessness: This leads us to the third part of the cycle because the situation becomes complicated by what is called “learned helplessness.” And that is that no matter what the child does to try and get away from their abuser or save him/herself, they learn that nothing works. There are actual studies where they have taken dogs and put them into a wired cage, and when they try to get out, they get a shock. So after getting a shock every time they try to get out, they learn that they are totally helpless. The same thing happens with children. They learn that nothing works, so they develop “learned helplessness.” This also helps to keep the secret within the family which leads me to the last part of the cycle which is called the stress-response cycle.
Stress-Response Cycle: With all of this conditioning by their parents telling them not to “open their mouths,” the learned helplessness, and the enormous shame and self-hate, the teenager then turns inward and starts using self-harm to reduce their stress. This can be everything from eating disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, promiscuity, self-mutilation, and attempted suicide. They have learned the anger must be directed at him/herself, they can’t express it, and they self-soothe the best way they know how.
When the child becomes an adult, if they are not able to get help with overcoming their trauma, the four elements of the cycle are reinforced. Again, it begins with the “Original Setup.”


I wish you all the best. There is help out there. You deserve help. You deserve happiness.

I came across an amazing band called Alice in Chains that I never quite reached in High School because it was uncool to like hard rock - you were "a mosher" I liked Nirvana, linkin park, snowpatrol, pearl jam, godsmack, feeder, but I wish I had discovered AIC

Anyway the lyrics are

"We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight, and yet I fight this battle all alone
No one to cry to, no place to call home

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find, and yet I find repeating in my head
If I can't be my own, I'd feel better dead

It is an acoustic album I highly recommend and I cannot find ANYTHING like it. I have trawled the internet.

[MickeyCheeky]

Your mother is being toxic.. I'm asking you to stay away from her as soon as you can.. she's not doing you any good. I'm sorry she said all those nasty things about you

My mum has said hurtful things too.
I had to cut myself off from my family completely before I eventually mended the ties. You may not have to resort to that. I know it is not as easy. "Caustic are the ties that bind" (Trivium)

My mum would say "what's good enough for me is more than good enough for you" "beggars cant be choosers" "you are bone idle" "your not confident enough to be anything" "one day you will thank us for putting a roof over your head"
My step-dad when I was 18 was mad he could no longer "control" me as I rebelled big style. He punched through the glass in the door. Dug his fingers into my head "and said you will listen to me LITTLE GIRL, your a LITTLE GIRL" Other times "you don't have a mind of your own" "your fathers brainwashed you"

When I was ill they would phone my boyf to see if I was behaving. My boyf knew more about what the doctors told my parents than me! When I found out I was incandescent with anger. They spoke of someone on my mums side. I was a "genuine" case but they told them they didn't find anything "wrong" with me.
My parent were like- any other guy would have run a mile and we don't blame them (cause I had a psychotic breakdown)

So my boyf would always say "I am not your step dad" when I was mad at him (my mothers fiery temper didn't skip a generation) But that was three years down the line and through reading and thinking I had actually, looked past his faults - my step dad. It was my mum and me who were at logger heads. And the boyf in question managed to make an even bigger rift between me and family. My mum said my boyf would "fight with his own shadow" and it was accurate. I said this and he exploded. It was like we used to try and see who had had a worse childhood as he felt he was so hard done by coming from a big family.
I started to even use his jokes.
He made me even more messed up. Saying I needed help, when what I needed was a life of my own.
So I had become trapped in that cycle of helplessness and landed from the frying pan into the fire.
I too just wanted to be free/independent
When it all hit the fan and I landed in the hospital, I luckily had a relative who was there for me. Her and my mum never seen eye to eye. She helped me a lot. I had felt unbelievably alone "have I run too far to come home"

What I am saying is, you know you need to escape this awful predicament you are in, you have to completely detach yourself from it. I know. Because I had to do the same with my ill grandmother.
Put your health above all else . And for the sake of your health you need to cut loose on your own.
Get in touch with local services to see to your mum, and get yourself help- go to the GP and tell them, and you can be referred to psychiatry. Tell them you are suicidal. Tell A and E you are suicidal and they will not turn you away. If anything at least you can get something to alleviate the way you are feeling. be safe

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I'd like to apologize for this clusterf- of a post. I was in one of the worst emotional states I've experienced in months, didn't know what to do, and the two of us are getting so sick of each other pretty much every day is miserable for both of us. We're looking for an apartment and I'm going to a showing this week.

[Rose76]

You need to cut the cord, Scientia. What's wrong with where your mother is living now? If "working together" means your income is dependent upon some joint business venture with your mother, then you are pretty entangled. Getting unentangled may be beyond what you can conceive of.

What the people in your mom's social circle think is of no great consequence in your life. Your mom saying all those things you quote above sounds to me like she is really terrified of you "abandoning" her, which is how she probably would view you moving out. The two of you sound like quarreling domestic partners, which I guess is what you are. Mom resents how much she needs you, but she keeps clinging. I think you are meeting more needs of hers than you realize. Try and pursue relationships outside home.