What causes someone to chronically bail out

I've always wondered why some people chronically bail out on friends. I'm not talking about those who are busy or something else comes up and has to cancel from time to time. I'm talking about those who consistently make plans and then doesn't show up or cancels at the last minute or agrees to plans you made and then just doesn't follow through. I know these friends really aren't real friends, but I've wondered what the reason is. Do they get a power trip feel from doing it? Does it make them feel like they have control? Is it a form of manipulation? Just wondered what you guys thought about it.

I do know one possibility is that, for some people, they are just making plans as a back up until they can find something better to do with someone else. What are some reasons you can think of? I know these people are not really good friends but I've just wondered what drives some people to be this way. I feel like if someone really doesn't want to hang out with you, they just simply won't agree to plans or make plans in the first place to it can be baffling at why some people feel they need to chronically bail when they clearly don't have to make the plans or agree to them in the first place.

"Do they get a power trip feel from doing it? Does it make them feel like they have control? Is it a form of manipulation?"

Sometimes, yes!

And they are unreliable, crappy people. Don't set yourself up for plans with them again.

Anxiety and depression come to mind. I often want to get out of plans because of those reasons. Luckily, I'm usually talked into going anyway.

Yeah I definitely am more careful about not making plans with these kinds of people.

Yeah in those cases, that is a little more understanding. But for people who don't have anxiety or depression, I feel like they have no excuse.

These are the reasons I usually have to cancel. I never know how I'll be from one day to the next so I make tentative plans.

I am one of those people who make plans and always cancel. I never make plans with the intention of hurting or letting people down, I just make plans because I really want to meet that person but when it comes to it I just can't deal with it of have been so unorganized that I literally can't make it... I have never looked at it for the person on the receiving side. It's crazy because I am a very caring loving person and if someone or a friend really needed me I would be there..please try to speak with these people who let you down because like me if they realised how it made you or other's feel then for the future they would make sure they turned up x

Yeah I can understand that. I like making tentative plans too so it is not a complete commitment. I feel like that is better than making concrete plans all the time and then bailing all the time.

I can see where your coming from. That can happen. I have thought about saying something to some of them but then I worry they will feel pressured into doing something they may not want to do which is something I would also not want. I'd want them to do something because they want to, not because they feel pressured. I have told a couple of them politely to just let me know if they will cancel though. Canceling and not saying anything is worse than cancelling and telling the person before the scheduled meet up time.

I have a friend who is always fashionably late. She acts so full of herself and entitled. I will not go with her to a restaurant anymore because she is so impossible. I know she does it on purpose because of her ego, and I can't tolerate it. I stopped seeing her.

Then I have a friend who tells people she has anxiety issues. We go out with her every once in a while. It works out and you wouldn't think she has issues, she's fine in public and restaurants, etc... but, I do shy away from inviting her because I think she's apprehensive, and she rarely invites me somewhere. But, interestingly, she writers racy, romance novels!

For the first friend you mentioned, yes I have stopped hanging out with people like that. They are stuck up in my opinion. For the second friend, I have a casual friend like that. When we are together, you would have no clue that she seems to just not care or at least gives off the vibe. But texting her and trying to make and keep plans is very difficult.

Often we cannot know whether another is anxious or depressed, or what triggers anxiety or depression in another.

An option might be to nonjudgmentally inquire of them as to their consistent need to cancel. Perhaps a friendly and enlightening discussion could occur.

Another possibility is to nonjudgmentally be aware that this is their consistent practice, for whatever reason, and plan accordingly.

I experienced this so much with a person in the past, that I let her go as a friend. That's another story though. I'm also guilty of doing it due to my mh issues sometimes. I'm curious to know if the people you refer to, tell you they are cancelling, or just don't show up?

Depression, anxiety, poor health are what come to my mind. My friend thinks people who do this do it for a power trip. I love my friend but she consistently does things to power trip people which is why she assumes other people do things for power tripping reasons. I have no real idea why the people who do this to you do it, I don't know them. When I don't show up for something it's usually a health or mental health reason so that's where my mind goes. There are soooo many possible reasons but what matters most is how it effects you and the boundaries you need to set for your own well being. I've discovered it's best not to mind read people's intentions because the conclusions you draw often have more to do with yourself than the other person.....but sometimes we just "know" a person is manipulative and if this is how you view these friends, it's best for all parties involved to part ways as it's unlikely it will change or lead to anything positive.

For me it's anxiety, I nearly always bail on plans because I freak out at the last minute. I do it with appointments too. It has zero to do with the person I am meeting.
I am awAre it can be hurtful and I thankfully have amazing friends who totally understand my anxiety issues, and let it slide.
They are also super supportive when I do actually make it out.

The people I am referring to just don't show up and say nothing. Which is worse than saying something before I go out to meet them in my opinion. If someone is going to cancel at the last minute, the least they could do is say something. It has gotten to the point where the person who does it will make plans with me and I will actually not go to the meet up place until I know for sure she will show up and it turns out she never planned on showing up so therefore I saved money and time by not going out of my way to meet up when the person had no intention to in the first place.

You did the right thing by confirming and saving yourself. Why would a person make plans and never show up or call? What kind of relationship do you have with this person? Did you misunderstand that you had plans?

I'm sorry I said these were 'crappy' people and was judgmental (as Bill pointed out). People who don't show up because of anxiety are not crappy people, I didn't mean you guys. It's my friend who I know does it to pull some sort of self-driven power play and it really irks me.

I know. I knew for sure we had plans. Even asked a couple times before the planned date to meet to see if we were still meeting. She responded with yes definitely. She has done this so many other times. It is most likely how it is with your friend. She is probably doing it to get some sort of power trip. Those with anxiety is different. It is one thing to have anxiety, but another to do it to manipulate.

And what is even worse is that later in the same day, I will see her posting photos of herself with other people on the day we planned on meeting. So most likely I am like a back up option to her. She may even say she is too busy on a certain day and just can't hang out and then post pictures of herself hanging out. So it is definitely a power trip. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

You have a lot of restraint to not flame out and tell her off for being so rude.

Yeah I do. I have thought of it. The only thing that really keeps me from doing it is that it could cause her to feel pressured into hanging out with me which is not what I want either. Don't want someone hanging out just because they feel like they have to. And even if she didn't, I still don't want her to assume I am clingy.

You'd be best off finding someone else who likes to be with you.

Yeah definitely.

It isn't "clingy" to want to understand what happened when a person simply fails to show up and, from what you said, never even intended to show up.

I don't think that blowing up at her is the right or helpful thing to do, but asking her what happened, and taking into account what she says in your future planning, is certainly appropriate in my view.

Yeah true. Oh I would never blow up on her. I am not the kind to start yelling at someone and make them feel like crap. But I have asked people whu they do that stuff and even politely asked them to let me know if they plan on cancelling. I may do the same to them.

Yeah I always say something when I have to cancel. You deserve friends who value you and your time.