[seeker1950]

As I look back over my personal history, I feel like a failure in the area of relationships. I'm talking about the romantic kind. Lately I've been thinking about couples...people who met that one person, after only dating a short while, then made a commitment and settled with them happily for life.
This never happened for me, and I must be seriously flawed, despite having devoted my total energy to building relationships only to have them fail. I can attribute this to having poor relationship models and an unhappy childhood...but one gets tired of tracing the blame to the parents. In the end, I think it's just me and my unrealistic expectations.
Patty

[Wants2Fly]

Patty, I have been ruminating, too. Right now, I have a coworker whose wife is having her eighth bout with cancer -- and it doesn't look good. He is completely devoted to her, yet remains kind to his students, sometimes funny, completely present for everyone.

I lost my job, was diagnosed with a chronic illness not nearly on the scale of cancer -- and my beloved of 15 years walked out. Abruptly with no fighting etc. My expectations were not so high -- he was not a good lover, he was on the road all the time, and he was a modest earner himself. He was also funny, and kind, and gentle, caring, upbeat, good with money, usually emotionally stable, knew good food and good art, played nice with others, and I loved having him in my life. The shortcomings weren't all that important.

So I wonder -- what inspires a man to stick like that, adoringly, and I wish that I had had that. I, too, look at couples who fell in love and stuck with each other, and I wish I coulda had that in life.

[sabby]

I guess we can never put our finger on one true reason why our relationships have not worked in the past. So many different things can come into play as to why something worked or didn't work.

I'm on my 3rd marriage now. The first one was a total disaster. It was filled with alcohol, and mental and physical abuse. There was so much that I learned from that relationship that has carried me forward. My 2nd marriage was not a horrible one. My husband and I grew apart. We were so completely different in too many ways. In his own way, he was a good guy. I still care for him to this day and I will always care about him, but never in a way that was meant to be more than a friend. I also learned from that marriage many things about myself.

Now, I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man that pushes me to be my best, supports me when I succeed and fail, makes me laugh, shows me passion, and I could go on and on and on but I don't want to bore you all

What I'm trying to say through all of this is that I believe that even if our relationships fail at some point, does not mean that we are failures. I look at each situation as a learning experience, one that I could grow from, one that I could apply to my life presently and in the future. For all the wrong and bad things that happened in those past relationships, I can turn those things around to be positives in my life.

I did my share of "why me's". I did my share of being down and out because of a perceived failure. Then I realized that not everything that fails or ceases to be is a bad thing.

I know not everyone is in a place to be able to grasp these ideas. And I know that not everyone has the same mindset as I do. But all of this didn't come naturally to me, I had to work at it....I had to play with ideas and notions to get to the point that I am now at. And even though I have a wonderful relationship with my husband now, we live apart, 7000 apart to be exact, so I have learned how to live on my own. It's not that I "need" a man in my life, but that I "want" this particular one

I surely hope that you can find "your" peace soon.

sabby

[seeker1950]

Sabau said, "Now, I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man that pushes me to be my best, supports me when I succeed and fail, makes me laugh, shows me passion, and I could go on and on and on but I don't want to bore you all."
Sabau, that's not boring at all, and I am truly happy to hear of your success at a loving relationship, especially after recounting your past experiences.
In truth, I've had lots of relationships, maybe too many. I married my husband at age 27 primarily out of fear of being hurt again (after the hippie experiences with which I was ill prepared emotionally and morally), and, like you described your second husband, he wasn't a bad fella, but we were just friends, like brother/sister. I stayed because of our daughter, and only left when she went away to college.
The experiences I"ve had in dating and trying to form relationships since then have been pretty disastrous, and I am now four years solo, no dating. I'm afraid to even think about it again. I don't even think I want to extend myself again in that way. I was devoted and loving, only to be stepped on like a doormat repeatedly. This is not a pity party, understand, just learning from experience.
Yes, there is still a part of me that grieves over the loss of a loving relationship, but being realisitic, I doubt it will happen now. The other part of me is too self-protective and learning to take care of myself first (for the first time in my life!).
Patty

[seeker1950]

Wants2fly said, "So I wonder -- what inspires a man to stick like that, adoringly, and I wish that I had had that. I, too, look at couples who fell in love and stuck with each other, and I wish I coulda had that in life. "
That would have been nice, wouldn't it! I look back (for now at least) at my behaviour and think I was too accommodating and too eager to please. The women who seem to snare the devoted husbands are the ones who are more aloof?
Patty

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
seeker1950 said:

This never happened for me, and I must be seriously flawed

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Whoa, Nellie! That's kind of a leap don't you think? You can't (I won't let you :-) put those two statements into one statement like that with an "and" connecting them.

I was 39 when I got married. I did meet the "one" guy but can't tell you how many insurance frogs I kissed :-) before him. There's nothing "wrong" with me, him, the other frogs I kissed, etc. There are billions and billions of people in the world and I'm picky :-) That's what I want to be and I got what I wanted. You haven't met what you wanted yet is all.

[seeker1950]

Well, Perna, first of all, "Thanks!" for the reassuring comments, but you know, I'm age 56. I think something happens to us as we age....at least that is what I'm experiencing.
A cynical professor once stated that "falling in love" is a trick nature plays on us to "pair bond," and mate, thus procreating the species. I no longer feel inclined to seek a mate on that level, and even wonder if "falling in love" is possible over 50.
Patty

[PlanningtoLive]

Patty, I'm on my third marriage and I don't believe in "falling in love" either anymore. I'm going to be 46 in a couple of weeks and I don't even feel married. It's a shame but my husband and I don't connect at all, on almost any level. We've been together for 11 years now and I wonder why almost daily.

I think some people get lucky in relationships and some don't. I'm one of the ones who didn't. I think it does get harder though as you get older to find someone, people get set in their ways and/or have a lot of baggage. As long as we're happy with our choices, that is what matters.

Mary Alice

[Perna]

http://www.microsoft.com/presspass/p.../seniorpr.mspx

[seeker1950]

Thanks for the excellent article, Perna.
I also like the link at the bottom of your message...very nice!
Love
Patty

[seeker1950]

Hi, Planningtoexist...
That sounds like my 20 year marriage, like that from the honeymoon onward! I was 47 when I broke away. I thought, maybe, after that, I'd meet the love of my life, but I was wrong.
I'm feeling now that posting about all of this is a bit of wallowing on my part, but it seems to be generating discussion from others who identify, or who have encouraging suggestions. Having 4 years of solo work now, with no dating, I'm seeing my mistakes glaringly, accepting responsibility for my poor judgment. Like Perna said, I kissed a lot of frogs, but the chemistry was not right, though I tried to make it work. The thought of dating now, trying to get to know someone, seems exhausting work to me now. Maybe I'll think otherwise eventually...maybe not.
Patty