I have complicated feelings towards my mom

Me and my mom are not close. I don't know since when, it was probably since I was still a child. I am the youngest child but unlike the rumors said (saying youngest child is the most spoiled), I am probably the most distant with my mom. It was probably because I grew up not with her by my side and by the time I was old enough, I was fine with not talking to her about anything. We did have some arguments when I was still a child though, I was having tantrums and she said that she regretted not giving me to someone else when I was born. She said if my dad didn't disagree, she would have given me to an aunt of mine who doesn't have a daughter. At that time, I wasn't hurt and I didn't really care since I was still a child and I didn't really understand what she meant. But thinking back, it really does hurt me now. I'm not sure if I love her, I feel like loving her is something I'm obligated to do as a 'child' of her but I don't exactly hate her either. I do think she is a horrible mom though, to me at least. Years ago, I used to be so jealous of my sister because she told my mom about everything, about her friends, about how her day was, about what happened to her and my mom seemed to always be happy to hear what she had to say. So I tried to do that and started telling her stories but she didn't look like she cared nor if she listened at all, so I stopped. Now, we have a lot of communication problems. She said that I'm not normal because I stay in my room too much. I also somehow, get angry easily at her even though I feel guilty afterwards. She does care about me like my health, saying that we should take care of our health until we are old but in the end she always says something about spending so much money if we are sick. I start to think all she thinks about is money, I thought, she is probably worried that I'm sick because she doesn't want to spend so much money on me. So I never ask her to buy me anything unless it's necessary. If my money is enough then I won't ask her for my necessity. Deep down though, I know that she still cares for me but I just can't help but being angry at how selfish she is being. Instead of trying to understand why her daughter acts this way, she keeps saying that I'm the one who is at fault. Now I am emotionally detached to her. I feel weird if I were to talk with her about personal things and I only talk with her if it's necessary. I don't even feel comfortable being alone with her. Is it really me who is just being a rebel?

No it is not you who are being a rebel.



Please check out my response on your other thread.

You are not being a rebel. Your mother is the adult and as such bears much of the blame for the dysfunctional communication patterns as you have described. Sometimes it is impossible to improve things if both parties don't work at it. My dysfunctional relationship with my dad couldn't be resolved because he was so hostile and refused to acknowledge the problem. The best I could do is limit exposure and move out as soon as possible. You may have to do the same.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with your mom. I hope things start to improve. You are not wrong to feel this way and are not a rebel. Sending big hugs.

I'm so sorry for your experience with your mother. ***Hugs**** You're not being rebellious, you are protecting yourself, which is only natural. This is a good thing and is healthy in my opinion. Honestly, I would do the same thing... distance myself from her emotionally and physically. She sounds cruel, unfair and selfish. Her words to you as a child are unacceptable to say to your own child. How horrible. It angers me that she said that to you and it's maddening that she treats you differently than your sister. This is not your fault whatsoever, it's a malfunction of your mother's. Perhaps she was overwhelmed by two kids, and as a result, you got the short end of the stick, but that again, is not your fault. None of this is your fault.... please don't think any of it is. Your mom sounds a bit sick to me. Emotional distance is healthiest, and I would just keep her at arms length. ((((((more hugs))))

Sorry you are struggling with this. Just for the record, you do not HAVE to love your mom. Perhaps you do, but don't beat yourself up and feel guilty if you don't feel it.

My mom is an alcoholic and was sexually abused as as child. She is really damaged, in denial, and has never sought treatment. I could write a book about all the horrible, hateful things she has said to me over the years. She's 78 years old now. There are days I hate her guts and other days I love her despite her behaviors. It's pretty confusing.