How Do You Handle Negativity, teasing, being picked on and nastiness from others?

How Do You Handle Negativity, teasing, being picked-on and nastiness from others? Also BLAME??

I hate these kinds of situations with a passion!

Anger and confrontation are NOT my preferred forms of communication. Yet there seem to be people in my life who thrive on these kinds of things. They "pick" and they "tease" (sometimes excusing themselves right afterwards, with "Oh, I was just teasing." and sometimes not).

Then, when one of these someones acts like the victim, because I went to a person in a position of authority and complained about their mistreatment of me, they blow the scene and tell everyone it is my fault that they left. *I* was supposedly trying to get them in trouble. All I did was ask that the person in charge advise them NOT to pick-on, tease, or in any way bother me.

With another such person, ONE TIME, I decided to pick-on her and tease her back. WELL! She did not like that. So, she can dish it out, but she sure cannot take it!!!

The first person has taken NO RESPONSIBILITY for their mistreatment of me (and others). He just blames us "for trying to get him into trouble." He never apologizes. He never admits any wrongdoing. It is always someone else's fault.

I have run into this thing during other times in my life also. It is maddening. It seems to be some kind of thing that you cannot fight back against either. The attitude is something like, "What is the matter with you, can't you take a joke?" Well, how can I take it as a "joke" if I can't see the humor in it? In other words, I am being made to be the BUTT of the joke. How is that going to be FUNNY to ME?

Sure, it is funny for the person who is dishing it out. Sure, it might be funny to others who are listening to it, but for myself and the others who are being picked-on, called names, told nasty stories about, and in general being mistreated, it is NOT funny, fun, or any other good thing. It is painful!!!

So, what do you do when this kind of thing has happened to you? Or has it ever even happened to you? Also, what do you do when you see it being done to others? Just curious....

Agreed, and it is never okay for anyone to have a laugh at the expense of someone else.

There have been times when I have "fought back" a bit by trying to out-do, out-wit or even shame the other person, but that has seldom been successful in changing anyone's view of me as a vulnerable target for having a laugh. So in some cases, I have had to simply stay away from certain people, places or situations.

In certain other cases, I have had to learn to be able to laugh at myself a bit...such as after having said or done something odd or unexpected by others after I had misunderstood something. And then along with that, there have been times when I have even played the part of a social clown in one situation or another so I can control others' laughter at me.

Another thing I have done along that same kind of line is to observe some silly or unusual things other people have said or done and to then get a laugh by doing the same at an appropriate time so other people can get a chuckle without my ever having "poked fun" at anyone else. For example: I once heard someone speak of something as an "optical delusion" where he had meant to be talking about an optical illusion, and I have since often said things such as "Hey, look at the optical delusion over there!" and then laughed along with others who laughed at what I had just said.

I sympathize. Good points made by leejosepho.

I have another problem too, besides what I said in the original post. I have trouble seeing humor as funny things that people say or do, or jokes that they sometimes tell too. I just don't "get it" at all. It goes right over my head. I sit there with this puzzled look on my face and say something like, "Huh?"

The one type of humor that I do "get" is puns. I can often understand those and appreciate them. My late husband was a pro at punning, and that was one of the things that I loved about him most. He could almost always make me laugh with some silly pun. However, often folks grown at puns and say they don't think they are funny. I don't often pun anyway, I am not witty like that. I just appreciate it when others are.

Usually a pun does not make anyone the butt of the joke, so that is another aspect of it that I enjoy. No one's feelings are being hurt by it, it is good clean fun.

I wish I could remove myself from the place where all of what I described in the original post is going on, but I can't. I WORK THERE.

I have tried to ignore it, but that gets kind of OLD after awhile. Also, the original offender has left, but is playing the victim, blaming me and the others who he has bullied as people that are, "trying to get me into trouble." Now all his friends, who he made sure are in high places on the chain of command there, are mad at ME because he has left. It is all MY FAULT. So it is very uncomfortable for me there sometimes recently. However, it was very uncomfortable before too, when this guy was there. It is a lose, lose kind of situation for me at times.

Some folks have tried to cause trouble too, by asking ME why he is not there. I have been told by my distant boss to advise them to ask the Director of the place. She is the one that spoke to him last (by phone, as far as I know). She has already repeated his words to everyone, but I guess either some folks were not there that day, or they did not hear her or they forgot what she said.

I am happy in one way. There should be no more confrontation with this person, or teasing or picking or whatever. I just hope he stays away. Only time will tell.

As to the other one who always excuses herself with, "Oh, I was just teasing." I told her once, "No you weren't!" She asked me how I knew. I just said that I knew, was all. And really, when she was "just teasing" is never really the case. Hardly ever, really. She just excuses her weirdness and rudeness by saying that, is all, and since I know she really does not mean to be rude or nasty, I kind of just ignore her or change the subject or whatever I can do to divert her from more "teasing." Usually I can take her "teasing." It is usually not that bad. She likes to stir up trouble too, but again, a lot of folks seem to just ignore her. I guess that is what I should do when she gets weird.

Same for me in many ways, and that does not make us weird people or justify laughter at us from others.

Not everyone has the same type or kind of Theory Of Mind (T.O.M.), so one person's pun is not "punny" to someone else.

Same here...and maybe this will help if some new situation might come up:

I once had a supervisor who was occasionally quite disrespectful to me, but I never told fellow workers -- no gossip whatsoever -- or even said anything to him about that. Also, neither did I ever make any kind of complaint when I went to HR for a solution to try to bring all of that to an end. At HR, I simply asked (and then never wavered away from this single-and-specific question): "What should I do the next time my supervisor speaks to me disrespectfully?" It took a few days to eventually get that situation straightened out, but I only gave the details while the three of us (HR, supervisor and me) were together in the same room...and then I also did not let the two of them distract me from my question to HR: "What should I do the next time my supervisor speaks to me disrespectfully?" I was never actually given a clear answer, but my supervisor did ultimately admit to his wrong-doing and promise to not do that again.

Bottom line: Let the people with the authority and power to resolve problems be the ones taking all the action against wrong-doers!

The director of the place apparently sees nothing wrong with what this man does. If she has seen anything wrong with it, she sure has not said so to me. She has given us all a lecture or two about how a person has the right not to be picked-on or teased, and had the former director give us one too (that went into a bit more detail), but that last lecture made ME almost look more like the "bad guy" than the person I have been describing.

No, I have been told that the Director was "sad to see him go." or words to that affect. Then again, I don't know what she said to him in response to my last complaint about him. I had video tapes and witnesses to the last "event" that occurred between myself and him, so she must have seen and heard what he did, or at the very least read the bus driver's report. However, I don't know what she said to him or threatened him with. I only know that he is now playing the victim and claiming that "some people are trying to get me into trouble so I am leaving."

One other sad thing that I just realized is that one woman who was sitting close to him has stopped coming. I fear that he said something off-color or crude to her and that she got insulted. If this is the case, she left quietly, probably having said nothing to anyone about it. This is so sad. She is in her 90s and had to have someone bring her by car. She does not to my knowledge drive. I feel so bad for her. She is a real true lady, very polite. She would not have complained. She would just have walked away quietly and never said a word I bet.

In my case i find sarcsm funny, but never to hurt someone. Sometimes it is just the way a person sees things in the same way I do. Not many people like sarcasm, but a lot of sit coms on tv use it too and i find it enjoyable.

I was told, when I moved to Florida from the New York Metro area, that sarcasm does not go well there, so I took it out of my vocabulary quickly, so as not to offend anyone. I had used it on her, and she had no problem with it (she was from the New York Metro area too) but she wanted me to know that it would most undoubtedly not be appreciated in Florida. I thanked her and have never gone back to it, or maybe rarely might have used it in some difficult situation to lighten things up a bit, or something. I used to use it a lot, but I have forgotten how at this point LOL...

I now no longer live in Florida, but I doubt that anyone here in North Carolina appreciates it either, as I have rarely if ever heard it used here. So I will probably refrain from using it here too.

However, back in NYC, I used it a lot. Living in NYC is very rough, probably even more now than back then in the mid-90s. So I can imagine that New Yorkers are using it still, and a lot, to ease the toughness that life there dishes out on a regular basis.

Two good reasons to never again gossip!

Well, as you probably read on my other thread, on the subject of what is GOSSIP, some folks there did not think that what I have been saying is gossip. They felt I had the right to defend my honor by telling others what he has done to me.

Then there are those folks who believe that if I say anything at all about him that it is gossip. You, obviously, are of that opinion.

I am unsure. At this point, however, I want to keep my mind OFF him as much as possible, because hashing over what he has done to me has just stirred up a bunch of bullying from my past, all my traumas and just about every other thing that was done to me that should not have been done to me!

In answer to you OP,I generally can ignore if someone is teasing me. Being picked on? I ignore it or if it bugs me, I tell them. Sometimes I hold it in and freak out on mean people.

I just got in a FB fight, with my snobby neighbor. And I called her a B****. She said "did you call me a name?"

I replied "Yes, after you were snide, i did call you a name and I am going to do it again. B****."

You have just uncovered why this is bugging you so much-- past bullying and past trauma. That is why you cannot let this go and rise above it. I have been thinking that you are feeding into all the negative drama around this person and need to rise above it and be the adult in the situation, but now I understand why this is eating you up so much.

Perhaps work on releasing and healing the old drama and harm that it caused. Do you have a therapist? This is a good thing to work on in therapy.

This person has most certainly created split politics and drama. You, as an adult, have a choice to rise above it and feel confident in yourself that you've done the right thing by YOU, ie, said something to those higher up and stood up for your rights to be respected at work. You have every right to speak up, and I am glad that you did. If others don't like it and look down on you for it or blame you for him leaving, that's their problem. They are not seeing that what he does is just plain wrong and poor/bad behavior. They are condoning the behavior in a way by not seeing it.

No one should be picked on at work and/or bullied. Period. So, kudos to you for saying something, and if he left and is blaming you, well that's what these types do - they blame others rather than take responsibility for their actions. He will never apologize or own up to the behavior. But again, that's his issue and problem, not yours. Don't take on the weight of the world and everyone else's issues. They have the issue, not you, and you've done the right thing for YOU. ((((Hugs))))

I hope you find some inner peace and resolution soon!

Thanks, Eve. Yes, I have therapy this afternoon, actually. We moved my appointment up one week, just so that we could address all this sooner. I have a feeling that we will have to make some extra appointments in order to deal with it fully. I want to handle not only "it" but also what is behind it, my past traumas, bullying and also the emotional abuse I received as a young child from both my father and his father. The later was also my molester. Both, as well, physically abused me. (And I have an adult repeated rape by a BF as well). Needless to say, ALL this has come to a head and is overwhelming me!

Thanks. You made me laugh. I did not call this guy any names or use any foul language on him, as I was at work and could have been fired if I had done so. So I had to keep it to some degree "under wraps." None the less, I blasted him as best as I could under the circumstances!

I am so sorry for what you've gone through, it breaks my heart to hear that, but I am glad that you have a therapist and an appointment soon. I can only imagine how this has brought all the past up for you. Sending many many hugs to you.

I think maybe I am fortunate, when people are like this with me I seem able to pin point what their actual issue is.
Then quietly cut them down with a choice remark.
I find that usually nips things in the bud.
I also never respond impulsively, always take my time to make sure I have watched their interactions with others versus myself.
But if your struggling that's easier said than done.

Yes, I have watched his interactions with others. He has bullied others too! Also, I think that at least one true and polite lady may have left because of his crudeness. Time will tell.

Thanks Eve. I feel your love for me!

Good!

In answer to your original question OP I would like to say that I handle it very well but unfortunately I don't particularly.

I let it go, and slide off me best I can, in the knowledge it's almost always about them and their issues not me. It happens a fair bit where I work, sarcasm/insults are a common form of communication. It's called 'banter' I suppose.

It isn't at all my style, my humour is gentler and I'm fairly literal so it doesn't sit well with me.

Officially the work company handbook says banter is banned from the workplace but in practice it happens all the time.

It stresses me a little but I keep quiet and get on with my work. I then shrug it off best I can. Realistically I can't stop it, only control my own reaction.

Not sure if any of this is helpful but it's my experience.

If only I could do what you do, but I have a lifetime of bullying that has been triggered by this, not to mention childhood molestation and having been repeatedly raped as an adult by a BF. ALL this has been triggered by this bully and his friends.

Then today, my therapist ended the session early and said she has no advice for me whatsoever. She has no experience with this kind of thing, no training in it and no answers for me. She agreed that it is a horrible situation though.

Mobile Crisis has offered to find out if any of their therapists might have experience with this and is going to get back to me tomorrow about it. That is my only hope at this point.

I am sorry to read your therapist is not sufficiently trained in this area, it sounds like you need someone experienced in trauma, they are out there just hope you can find the right one.

As for me dealing with it well, I am not sure about that. I shut myself off and go into my own world a bit. That is exactly how I dealt with bullying when I was younger, it was all I knew to do, not sure it is the right or healthy way.

I'm a very social person, enjoying the company of many, so shutting myself away or going off by myself would depress me a lot.

Today went better at work. We all went out to a restaurant for lunch and saw some beautiful scenery on the way there and back. None the less, it was wonderful when we pulled back into town. I turned to my client and said, "Home sweet home." And he smiled.

One person gave me a very lackluster "hello" in response to mine, but others greeted me kindly and a friend sat by me after lunch and chatted for awhile. That was nice. My boss treated me so-so today. I can see that she is still a bit miffed at me for the bully having left, and I am guessing that will take awhile for her to get over. She hated losing anyone. She called us all her "babies" today, when she was telling someone about us at the restaurant. He was asking her all about us for some reason or other. Probably he was just curious.

I am glad today was better, hopefully people will forget about this bullying person in time.

You are right not to shut yourself off, and you are right that can lead to depression (it did me).

Well, my boss agreed to give us all FALL PREVENTION TRAINING at my request today. It will be on some future occasion. It is because our 99 year old fell and cut his head last night and our 65 year old fell and broke her arm last night! At least my advice is being accepted by my boss, so I feel a bit better about my work situation yet, today. Thankfully. My client is OK anyway, for that I am also grateful.

I also drafted a letter to my boss's boss today, asking for EMPATHY TRAINING. It is available through a website that is designed to teach folks not to bully and how to deal with it if you get bullied. They help folks with mental illness too! It was mentioned in the book BULLYING AMONG OLDER ADULTS by Robin P. Bonifas. I may have mentioned this book already. Please forgive me if I did. I forget what I posted where.

Here in the website, if any of you are interested in it:

http://www.dlmculture.com