[catztac]

QP and I decided that this evening was our last time doing anything.
He is married and has been struggling with guilt for the past few months. His wife is pregnant with number three and I've been having trouble dealing with that. He had said that they were no longer intimate. He lied to me.

He is my best friend.

I can't loose my best friend and boyfriend all at once.

I can't loose him completely. I just can't.

I never thought I'd be the other woman. I never wanted to be. I hated being his dirty little secret.

He is always so gentle with me. So sweet and caring. We get along so well, make each other laugh all the time.

It's going to be so hard at work.

I'm alone now. But I guess I never really had him, not really. He had me though. He had all of me. All of my heart. All of my love.

Now I have no one to love me. No one to touch me gently, care about me, want me.

No one wants me.

I'm so god damned alone.

I really don't know how to cope with this.

I have no idea how I'm supposed to go on.

[Shazerac]

Welcome to psych central. I don't have an answer on how you are going to go on. I'm kind of curious what exactly how you thought this was going to play out though. Did you expect a married man to leave his pregnant wife to be with you? That's some bad karma.

I hope you do find a way to move on though and try to find a relationship where you are not coming in between a man and his wife. Nothing good can come from this and you will end up hurt and alone again.

[catztac]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Welcome to psych central. I don't have an answer on how you are going to go on. I'm kind of curious what exactly how you thought this was going to play out though. Did you expect a married man to leave his pregnant wife to be with you? That's some bad karma.

I hope you do find a way to move on though and try to find a relationship where you are not coming in between a man and his wife. Nothing good can come from this and you will end up hurt and alone again.

She wasn't pregnant at first. We've been carrying on for over two years.

He said he was only staying for the kids and because of money, not love. He said he didn't love her and was alone in his marriage.

I know its horrible Karma. I never meant to be in this situation in the first place, i swear.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by catztac

She wasn't pregnant at first. We've been carrying on for over two years.

He said he was only staying for the kids and because of money, not love. He said he didn't love her and was alone in his marriage.

I know its horrible Karma. I never meant to be in this situation in the first place, i swear.

"I never meant to be in this situation." How did it happen then, by accident, did he force you? In order to move on you may need to accept your part in this. You made a poor choice. Learn from it.

[catztac]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

"I never meant to be in this situation." How did it happen then, by accident, did he force you? In order to move on you may need to accept your part in this. You made a poor choice. Learn from it.

I do take responsibility for my part.

And seeing that I'm hurting him more than helping at this point is why I suggested that we decide to be done. We've been pulling apart for some time now, but it needed to be put in stone so to speak. For both of our sakes.

I thought I was doing him good. In the beginning I truly believe that to be true.

Not anymore though.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by catztac

I do take responsibility for my part.

And seeing that I'm hurting him more than helping at this point is why I suggested that we decide to be done. We've been pulling apart for some time now, but it needed to be put in stone so to speak. For both of our sakes.

I thought I was doing him good. In the beginning I truly believe that to be true.

Not anymore though.

Well I hope you can find some healing for your heart. And develop some healthy relationships.

[MickeyCheeky]

Sorry about this experience. Hopefully you will be able to move on and forget. It won't be easy, it will take some time, but you can do it.

Originally Posted by catztac

Now I have no one to love me. No one to touch me gently, care about me, want me.

No one wants me.

I'm so god damned alone.

I really don't know how to cope with this.

I have no idea how I'm supposed to go on.

Do you have good friends or family members around you to lean on and keep you company?

I find, through a tough breakup, that leaning on my friends and family helps a ton. It is hard breaking a long-term relationship off, especially when that person is your best friend, so I understand and can sympathize with your pain.

It truly is for the best though. He is married, she is pregnant, and this needs to happen. See it from that light. Also understand that by doing what you've done, it can deeply hurt another person (his wife) and their unborn child (who would resent you if he left her and the child eventually learned of this).

You have to think about the consequences of your actions when getting involved with a married man. Try to understand and see that this was a bad decision on your part, and that it truly is for the best that it ends. Try to grow from the experience, and see it as that.

He is also not such a great person to have carried on a secret affair for two years. Who knows - he may have done the same to you too, even if he had left her to be with you. Think of it that way. People who cheat like that usually cheat again. I doubt what he told you about his lack of love for her was even true. He lied to her, so he probably lied about even more to you as well.

You will be OK. There will be more love in your life down the road after you have healed. This isn't the end all to be all of your relationships. If you truly want love again in the future, you can certainly find it again. But my advice is to go for the single, available men.

Try to spend time with loved ones, heal and recover. And learn.

((((Hugs))))))

[divine1966]

So if this is his third child then it's likely a planned child. Of course he never stopped sleeping with his wife. It's typical cheaters excuse: not sleeping with her or not loving her. Yeah ok.

He pretty much just had a mistress for two years, at no point though he wasn't intimate with his wife. He likely just wanted to spice his life with side sex. Gross. Not a decent man.

Do you really want a best friend who thinks it's ok to take on a mistress and cheat on his wife and lie for years!!!

Be done with him and seek therapy for figuring out why you thought it was a good idea. Hope you can heal soon and find available man. You can do it. Stay strong but completely cut contact with him

[Bill3]

I agree with divine. The fastest way to get over him is to cut all contact. Block him completely, unfriend him. I gather you work with him: Ignore him at work to the extent that you possibly can. No contact whatsoever except for business. Period. If he comes to mind, use a memorable mantra such as lying sack of shyt, whatever works for you.

[Open Eyes]

You learned a hard lesson with this experience. You gave your heart to the wrong person, this does happen, not just to you but a lot of people experience this. The big lesson here is to never get involved with someone who is married. A married person is being "selfish" when they start up an affair without ending the marriage relationship they are in "first".

Yes, there are men who are married that not only engage in sex with the person they are cheating with but also their wife too. Feel sorry for this wife who is expecting and doesn't even know her husband was cheating on her. When a woman is pregnant she is extremely emotionally vulnerable. You spent time with a very SELFISH man and that's the truth/reality and you are not the only one that got hurt. His wife WILL eventually find out and she will be absolutely crushed. Be glad you don't have children with this man because that makes it impossible to completely break free.

[catztac]

In the time we were together, his wife cheated on him, and it hadn't been the first time she did it. I guess that sort of made him and I feel justified in a way.

It's just all around a bad situation and poor choices on everyone's part.

I love him though. He is not a bad person. He has flaws and learning and growing to do, but he is not a bad person.

His marital situation aside, my poor choices aside, I just ended a really deep important relationship and I need to figure out how *I* am going to deal with the pain and hurt.

Possible trigger:

I was brutially sexually abused as a child from ages 6 - 10

this history has made it very hard to be intimate with anyone. To even have those feelings/desires is very rare for me, my judgement was clouded because I was just so freaking suprised/excited to feel that way and have it returned to me.

He made me feel safe and loved and I've never had that before. I never though myself worthy or capable of that before him. I really can't say for sure that I believe I will ever have that again.

My few close friends are not accessable right now for support for various reasons, and my mom just doesn't get it, she doesn't care much about what I go through in general, and this is no different. I don't have anyone IRL to lean on right now.

My therapist is new. Three sessions so far I think. I met her briefly last year when she was a co-leader of a DBT Skills group I was in, but all in all, I don't know her very well. I'm opening up more than I normally would this soon because of how desperate and unstable I've been recently.

Us ending it was the right thing to do for so many reasons. I'm not arguing that. The fact remains though taht I am left alone with a broken heart and no idea how to move on at all.

[Shazerac]

I'm glad to hear you ate going to talk to a therapist hope it goes well.

[Sunflower123]

I agree with divine and bill. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I wish you peace and healing with the ability to move on. Sending big hugs.

[QueenOfStars]

I know that you are hurting right now and the last thing you want right now is to here any given advice. But don't worry this feeling will go away, they always do. And breakups are a part of life, you will fall in love again so just move on.

[divine1966]

I don't know how you determine that he is a good person but good men don't sleep around while married. Just please stop listening to his stories. Since he lied about not sleeping with his wife, he lied about her cheating on him. He is just a liar. And I hope you checked for STD. I wouldn't trust that he didn't sleep with more people than you, men like that usually do, but even if just his wife who knows what she might have. It's dangerous to share sexual partners. Please see a doctor.

Do some grieving and healing and you'll do well. Break ups are hard but you will manage it. Just please don't play friends with this man. You are worthy way way more than this lying and cheating sleezeball. You deserve way better

A broken heart takes time to heal from. Unfortunately, we cannot control the time frame that it takes to heal a broken heart, but you will feel better in time, trust me. It does get better, and you will heal from this experience.

Lean on your new therapist, perhaps pour your heart out to them, and try to distract yourself with feel-good activities... maybe pour yourself into exercise, a hobby or interest or passion of yours.. cry and mourn the loss, and allow yourself that. Perhaps even journal out your feelings... this always helps me to feel better.

You now know that you are certainly worthy of love. That is a golden nugget you can take away from this experience.

A way to move on is to put things into perspective and to know that you deserve love, but with someone who is available. There are plenty of others who can make you feel just as safe and as loved.. he will not be the only one.

I hope you find inner peace soon.... ((((big hugs))))

[Erebos]

Hmm, my best friend, wouldn't lie to me, or cheat on me, deceive me or ask me to put myself in a vulnerable situation for them.

Whatever you think this relationship was, it wasn't. Whatever you think this man is, he isn't.

I sorry, we all do it. Give ourselves to someone who doesn't deserve it. It's a learning curve.
It took me three years to wake up and realise my ex wasn't a confused and deeply sensitive lover.
But a lying, deceptive manipulative asshole who played me like a cheap violin.

Accepting that was in ALOT of ways the most painful part.
Even more painful than looking back at the 10 years I had with him.

Nothing hurts more than realising you've let yourself be taken for a ride.
But it's when you do thAt you can finally move on.

He knew what he was doing, if his wife cheated, he should have left, you both know this.
Although I would be wary of any information he gave you to justify his actions.

'My wife is Cheating.' is the oldest play in the book.
I suppose I wonder why you still believe him once his wife became pregnant.? But then love makes us put up with all sorts of b.s we shouldn't.

Breaking up is just the same as grieving.
Take it one day at a time, hell just take it an hour at a time of needs be.
Take care.
Be good to yourself.

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by catztac

She wasn't pregnant at first. We've been carrying on for over two years.

He said he was only staying for the kids and because of money, not love. He said he didn't love her and was alone in his marriage.

I know its horrible Karma. I never meant to be in this situation in the first place, i swear.

You have wasted 2 years on this person. He's not your friend, never was. He wasted your time, he lied. Not a good person at all. You probably need to find a new job so you aren't in contact with him.